Shell
by LowWren
Summary: Owen Shepard is a survivor. As the galaxy begins to unravel around him, he tries to manage the new role that has been thrust upon him - and the lives he's desperate not to lose. A novelization of the first part of the Mass Effect trilogy. Comments and critique welcome! Rated M for sexuality, language, violence.
1. Chapter 1

Hey everyone! Welcome. This story will vaguely follow the events of the first game, focusing on the relationship development between characters. It is simply my reinterpretation of a great story, and the characters I fell in love with.  
I am not any sort of writing perfectionist or grammar savant, so any feedback is helpful.

It all belongs to BioWare. So yeah, enjoy.

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Green eyes stared back at him from the mirror.

Shepard let out a sigh, rubbing a hand over the scruff on his jawline._ I should probably shave. Anderson gets pissed when we don't shave._ A final glance looked over his disheveled, wet black hair, the bags under his eyes, and the jagged scar across his cheek led him to a final conclusion.

_Screw it._

He ran a towel over his hair once more, combed it back to show a little added effort, and threw on his casuals before heading to his locker to suit up. Another colony run. He couldn't help but think Anderson was starting to do them just to get to him.

With a curt nod towards Pressly after stepping out of the elevator Shepard took a few more commanding strides across the CIC – just in time to meet Nihlus' gaze.

The Spectre quickly continued on his way, leaving Shepard as frustrated as ever. The turian had given no explanation as to why he was coming along on this mission. Despite its co-development, the Normandy was an Alliance ship. There had to be a reason he was here. He continued towards the cockpit, picking up the tail end of a conversation as they cleared the relay.

"Nihlus gave you a compliment. So, you hate him?"

"Remembering to zip up your jumpsuit on the way out of the bathroom? That's good. I just jumped us halfway across the galaxy and hit a target the size of pinhead. So that's incredible!"

_Cocky bastard, isn't he?_ Shepard glanced between Alenko and the ship's pilot. Obviously, Joker got away with not shaving. No reason he couldn't. The XO lifted his gaze towards space, half listening to the pair's bickering.

"Yeah, that is the official story. But only an idiot believes the official story." Joker continued, obviously unable to help a backwards glance at Shepard.

_Oh, he wants my opinion. Great._ "They don't send Spectres on shakedown runs," The commander murmured shortly, earning a baffled glance from Alenko. Shepard hadn't taken the time to get to know him, and apparently his ability to speak had taken the biotic by surprise. Joker smirked.

"Right. So there's more going on here than the Captain is letting on," The pilot gloated, earning an eye roll from Alenko.

Any further babbling was cut out by Anderson's voice. The captain was short and concise, with an edge to his voice that made Shepard quirk his brow. He headed quickly to be briefed, suffering through a conversation with an over-curious Pressly and an over-eager Jenkins. They both needed to focus on their jobs. He walked confidently through the automatic door into the briefing room, only to become wary by the sight of the lone turian.

"Commander Shepard, I was hoping you'd get here first. I wanted a chance to talk."

_Well, shit._

"Is this about why you've been watching me nonstop these past few days? Cause I've got to say, it's getting a little weird." Shepard deadpanned, and watched as Nihlus' mandibles dropped with an irritated snort.

"We'll get to that. I wanted to hear what you think of this world we're going to. Eden Prime – it's supposed to be something of a paradise for your people, isn't it? A symbol of humanity's progress."

"What's your point, Spectre?" Shepard met Nihlus' green eyes with his own. He forced himself to crush down the feeling of discomfort welling up inside of him.

"Its proof humanity can not only establish colonies across the galaxy, but also protect them. But how safe is it, really?"

Shepard clenched his fists. He could tell from the glint in the turian's eyes that he knew exactly what he was talking about, but he couldn't understand why. Why would he care? What business did a Spectre have poking around in his past? Squaring his broad shoulders, he took a step forward to tell him exactly whose business it was, but was cut off by the captain's entrance.

"I think it's about time we told the commander what's really going on," Anderson said quickly, his brow furrowing as he took in Shepard's tense posture.

"Captain?" Shepard turned towards the older man, curious and still more than a little agitated. The turian nodded, mandibles fluttering as he refocused his attention on Shepard, and continued.

"This mission is far more than a simple shakedown run."

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Owen grinned broadly, the sun warming his tanned skin and creating ripples of light over the ocean of gold before him. He ran fast, cutting a path through the grain. His breathing was labored as he jumped the final few paces to plant his hands on the field's only tree. The boy collapsed in a laughing heap, rolling onto his back with closed eyes and running a hand through his dark hair.

"You so cheated! You said on the count of three!" An indignant voice was suddenly upon him, and his grin only widened.

"Forgive me?" Owen chuckled, leaning back on his elbows and slapping on a winning smile. "It's not my fault you're half cheetah, I needed some kind of advantage."

He watched as the girl fought a smile, and gave him a firm prod in his side. "Oh, whatever. Come on then, we need to get back."

Owen groaned, laying back and throwing an arm over his face. "Do we have to?"

"Yes, we have to."

"Come on, Cass. It's still light, and curfew can't be for another couple of hours," he groaned, reaching up to take hold of her wrist. "Your parents won't even know you're gone." He pulled at her arm gently, and she gave in with a sigh. Long blond hair splayed over his chest as she settled in beside him, laying her head on him and looking up at a nearly cloudless blue sky.

"You know, my sister thinks you're a bad influence,"

"Your sister hates me because I stole her juice in the third grade."

Cassidy chuckled. "Well, I think that only proves her point," She turned her face towards his, grinning. "I think it might also have something to do with beating up Troy. And Parker."

"Hey! I had perfectly legitimate reasons for both of those occasions."

"Like?"

"They were both assholes."

Cassidy let out a groan, rolling her blue eyes. She still didn't let go of her grin though. "Okay, tough guy," The girl rolled over, propping herself up on her elbows and leaning her face towards his. "But if you keep going at it at this rate, it's just going to be you and a colony full of 'assholes' that you pissed off." She searched his olive eyes, watching as he grumpily avoided her gaze. "Seriously, Owen. Why do you keep messing with those guys? You're going to get kicked out of school."

Owen sighed. "Why does it matter? They were being idiots." He smirked. "And they wouldn't kick me out, you're the only one that beats my scores. Somebody needs to make this shithole look good on colonization reports."

"Oh, of course, Mr. Humility." She rolled her eyes again, but he couldn't miss the affection in the gesture. "So, someone of your high caliber must have big plans for the future, right?" Her voice was teasing and warm, and he couldn't help but inhale her floral scent.

"Just getting off this rock," he murmured, running a hand over her white blond hair, before settling on her neck. "I want to do something. Go places. I couldn't stand just taking over the farm, becoming some shortsighted colonist who couldn't care less about the rest of the galaxy, all the while expelling tales of the virtues of the simple life." His eyes wandered over her face, past her short nose and to her small mouth with full lips. He glanced back to her blue eyes as those lips parted to speak.

"Deep thoughts at sixteen," She said with a giggle, her hand coming up to fiddle with the fringe of dark, wavy hair above his brow. "Mindoir's not that bad, you know."

He smiled warmly. "Yeah, I know. I just don't want to get stuck here. I'm thinking I might actually join up with the Alliance."

Cassidy abruptly stopped the mini-braid she was working on in his hair, and it stuck up from his forehead like a unicorn's horn. "You've got to be joking. You, a soldier? You know there's trouble with the batarians. What if you were sent to fight?"

"Hey, it can't that bad. A ton of people do it. Besides, you're always saying I need an outlet for my aggression." He smirked, the quickly silenced the concerned whine rising in her throat with a kiss. It was quick and sloppy, but in his short experience it was the most fantastic thing there was. He drifted, his hand burrowing into her hair at the nape of her neck while the other slid around the small of her back. She smiled against him.

An acrid scent cut into his nostrils, banishing the smell of her perfume. His eyes opened as he pulled away from her, and she returned his confused stare. They both sat up, eyes drifting over wheat and back towards the settlement. Smoke was blooming in a cloud over the homes of their families.

The wind carried hundreds of screams.


	2. Chapter 2

Shepard's head throbbed. It was the kind of ache that pulsed through the rest of his body. His fingertips curled into his palm as he stirred from unconsciousness. Visions of destruction still swam through his head, intertwined with the usual echoes of his past. A heavy sigh escaped his lips as he opened his eyes, fighting the intensity of the bright light.

"Doctor! Doctor Chakwas? I think he's waking up." A woman's voice called out, a little more loudly than he appreciated. _Shit, I feel like I've been slamming back tequila. What the hell happened?_

He pushed his memory, fighting the visions still flashing in his mind, until he recalled Eden Prime. The beacon, the geth. Finding Chief Williams. The colonists, dead. Mutated. Nihlus, dead. Jenkins, dead. His eyes shut once more as he took a deep breath and he rested his forehead in his palms. _Lose one of your squad and an entire colony. Let the Spectre run off and get himself killed. Great fucking job, Shepard._ He looked up, but still refused to turn towards the voices speaking behind him. Another ache, and a flash of fire. _And now, you're seeing things. Goddamn fantastic. This is why I don't do colony runs._

"You gave us quite a scare there, Commander. How are you feeling?" The doctor walked around his bed to stand before him, a concerned expression on her face.

"Great." Shepard's voice was short, intending to cut off any further questions about his wellbeing. Chakwas looked far from deterred. "How long was I out? What happened to the beacon?"

"About fifteen hours, something happened down there – "

"It was my fault. I must have triggered something getting close to it, you had to pull me out of the way," Williams spoke up quickly, cutting the doctor off. Shepard glanced over his shoulder at her, raising an eyebrow.

"You had no way of knowing," The commander put simply, confused by her reaction to the events. Much to his surprise she seemed to relax at his words. _Huh._

"But what about the beacon? Were we able to retrieve it?" He repeated urgently, looking back to Chakwas. He needed to know the mission wasn't a complete failure.

The doctor frowned and shook her head. "Unfortunately, no. The beacon exploded, and the resulting blast was what knocked you unconscious."

"Some kind of system overload, we think. The lieutenant and I carried you back to the ship," Williams put in, coming around the table to stand beside Chakwas.

"Appreciate it." He nodded towards the soldier in thanks, earning a smile from the woman. _Someone's proud of themselves. _He managed to quirk his lips in a half smile, before another throb pulsed through his brain. The next few minutes passed with him nodding as he listened to Chakwas drone about abnormal brainwaves and rapid eye movement. He offered short replies, affirming her suspicions that he had dreamt but not elaborating. He wasn't about to let the ships only doctor believe he was a psych case.

"How's our XO holding up, doctor?" A deep, familiar voice cut into his thoughts. Shepard glanced around at Anderson as he entered the med lab, nodding and pushing to stand up.

"I'm fine, sir." The captain looked right past him, however, clearly not taking his word for it.

"Doctor?"

"All readings are normal. I'd say our commander is fit for duty." Chakwas smiled at Shepard and made to leave the room. Williams cast a last quick glance at the commander before snapping a salute and following her out. Shepard wasted no time.

"What the hell happened down there? _Geth?_ We weren't prepared, sir. Intel dropped the ball." He grimaced, become increasingly irritated at Anderson's calm exterior. Why wasn't he upset? The mission was a spectacular failure, and the man before him remained impassive as Shepard let loose on him.  
"We lost the beacon. Oh, and the Spectre meant to evaluate me was killed. _By another Spectre. _I mean, what the hell?" He growled out, watching as the captain quirked a brow. "Sir." He added as an afterthought, and Anderson shook his head.

"What's this about, Shepard? You didn't seem too thrilled about even being considered as a candidate when we talked with Nihlus," Anderson asked, leaning back against the nearest bed. "Missions don't always go as planned, you know that. We knew going in this wasn't a simple in-and-out."

"I lost Jenkins." Shepard growled, looking away. "I lost the colony."

"You know that wasn't your fault. You did your job, and you did it well, Shepard." Anderson shook his head, pausing a beat to examine his XO. "Now come off it, and tell me what happened with the beacon. We need something to bring before the Council about Nihlus and the geth invasion. Lieutenant Alenko submitted a report while you were out. Now, Saren is a Spectre as well, and if everything is how it looks, then he's gone rogue and allied himself with the geth. He was one of the Council's best agents and he's about as anti-human as they come. If he's who we're up against, we're going to have a hell of a time convincing them he's guilty." Anderson sighed, pacing back and forth in front of the commander.

Shepard rubbed a hand over his face, fingers scratching at the lengthening stubble. "Saren was there for the beacon. The geth wouldn't have been trying to move it otherwise."

"Right. Did anything happen when you triggered it? Anything that might give us a clue as to why Saren wanted it?"

"Maybe. When I approached it, I… had a vision." Shepard glanced up to Anderson's eyes, searching for clues that he might be sent to a ward somewhere. _Shit, he's going to think I'm insane._

"A vision? Of what?" Anderson stopped his pacing, offering the commander his full attention.

"Destruction. War. It was fuzzy, in pieces. There was screaming, synthetics slaughtering people. I couldn't tell if it was geth." Shepard closed his eyes at the resurgence of pain in his head.

"We have to report this to the Council." Anderson said quickly, apparently unfazed by Shepard's vision of the apocalypse.

"What? We can't bring them a bad dream as evidence. They'll think I'm insane!"

"We can't even begin to know how much information was stored in that beacon. It was Prothean, thousands of years old. Any piece that may have transferred itself to you is something Saren now has as well, and something we need to bring him in." Anderson's voice became heated, determined. "We need to stop him, Shepard. Whatever secrets he wanted from that beacon, I guarantee you he'll use them against humanity. With that and his newfound army of geth, we need every shred of evidence available to us to bring to the Council. With them on our side, we might have a chance at it."

Shepard nodded. "Understood, sir. We'll bring him down."

"Good. We should be getting close to the Citadel. Head upstairs and tell Joker to bring us in to dock." Anderson ordered, and started towards the door before adding, "Williams will be joining the ground team. She's a good soldier, so try not to be too much of an ass." The captain smirked, and left a frowning Shepard alone in the medbay.

_Fan-fucking-tastic._

Shepard rolled his neck, considering his treatment of the new member of his squad. He knew he had been a bit short with her on Eden Prime, but getting your ass shot at and losing a squad mate generally did that to him. Added to her and Alenko's chatter mid-combat, he was rather proud he'd only told the two to shut up and shoot once. His insensitive reaction to the loss of her squad wasn't lost on him, however. He sighed, brushing his hair back with his fingers. He might have to apologize for that one.

The commander stepped out of the medbay, set on heading to the cockpit to talk to Joker, but stopped as he heard Williams approach from behind.

"Commander Shepard, have a minute?"

Shepard nodded, turning towards her. "Sure, Williams."

"I just wanted to apologize again. Getting my commander injured is generally not how I like to start off a new assignment. It won't happen again, sir." Williams said seriously, but there was an undertone of humor that surprised Shepard. "I'm glad you're okay. The crew needs some good news after what happened to Jenkins." She continued, humor vanishing from her voice.

_She's obviously already settled in. She didn't even know the kid._

"Jenkins was a good soldier. He'll be missed." He ground out, shifting his weight from one foot to the other. "And don't worry about it. Like I said, you couldn't have known what would happen. I needed a nap anyways."

Williams smiled. "Right. Thanks, Commander." She stopped, seemingly conflicted on whether or not to continue. "Can I ask you something, sir? I know you said down there that dying is just part of the job, but you can't really believe that, can you? I lost my entire squad down there. Hell, you lost your whole unit on Akuze. I know God wouldn't just let that happen unless he had a plan."

Shepard tensed instantly."God had nothing to do with this. You're a marine, Williams. People die. Praying isn't going to stop that." He barked, but cut himself short as the woman seemed to regret her words. He inhaled deeply, trying to extinguish his temper. _You're supposed to _not_ be an ass, asshole. _Shepard glanced at Williams, taking in her now frigid expression. _Shit. _"I'm sorry about your squad. Welcome aboard." He muttered quickly, then stalked off towards the stairs. Behind him, he overheard hushed voices.

"Is he always that much of a dick?"

"I don't know. He usually just doesn't talk."


	3. Chapter 3

"Damn, nice shot." Shepard said with an approving nod, stepping over a few bodies towards the turian.

"Sometimes you get lucky." Garrus said, but the smile his flared mandible gave betrayed his humility. "Not too bad yourself. You might have even beat me to that last one."

Shepard smirked. "It was a clean sweep." He paused as the recently rescued redhead cleared her throat. _Oh yeah. _"Are you alright, doctor?"

"Yes, thank you commander. If it wasn't for you and Officer Vakarian, I would have been killed!" Dr. Michel stepped towards Garrus, grasping his talons in her hands. "Oh, thank you, thank you!" Her heavy accent and dramatic flair made Shepard resist the urge to roll his eyes.

"Do you know whose men these were?" He cut off any further adoration, and couldn't miss the grateful look on the turian's face as he quickly pulled his hand back from her.

"Fist sent them to keep me from talking to Garrus about the quarian. I sent her to him a few days ago when she came to me after being shot. She was scared, probably on the run." Dr. Michel informed him, looking a little nervous. "He's an agent for the Shadow Broker, and she said she was willing to trade information for a place to hide. Information on the geth."

Garrus shook his head. "Fist works for Saren now and, as I've heard it, the Shadow Broker isn't too happy about it." He shifted his weight, contemplating. "This quarian must have something he wants – something worth crossing the Shadow Broker to get."

"It must be evidence linking Saren to the geth!" Shepard cut in, enthusiastic to finally have some kind of a lead. He glanced at the turian officer, whose eyes mirrored his own determination.

"There's no way the Council can ignore this." Garrus said with a growl. "I'm coming with you, Shepard. I've been on this case for months. Saren is a traitor to the Council and a disgrace to my people. I want to bring him down just as badly as you do." He stated matter-of-factly, leaving no room for debate.

Shepard frowned. _He's determined, I'll give him that._ He gave the turian a once over, before his gaze fell to the thug with a bullet hole between his eyes. _And there'll definitely be more idiots who need to be shot. _"Sounds good to me." He said simply, then nodded to Dr. Michel in farewell before turning to leave. Williams was eyeing him incredulously, and began to open her mouth in what he assumed was protest. "Let's move out." He ordered, not allowing her the chance as their new squad mate fell in with them.

"Fist will be ready for us. He's got a small army of bodyguards around him in Chora's Den." The turian walked beside him as they cut through the wards. "If you want extra help, the Shadow Broker hired a krogan bounty hunter to take down Fist. He's up at C-Sec right now."

The commander nodded. _I've always heard krogan make effective meat shields, and I'm sick of being shot at. _"Alright, we're going to swing by C-Sec and see if this bounty hunter feels like sharing."

"Are you sure about this, sir?"

Shepard frowned, turning to face Williams. The two had been unusually quiet all day. It was understandable – the commander had been on fire after the debacle with the Council. After a shouting match with Udina amidst the bustle of the embassies, Shepard had stormed off with Anderson on his tail. He was then scolded like a petulant toddler and sent after some turian C-Sec agent, in the captain's final desperate hopes of exposing Saren.

Alenko's eyes were widened beside the soldier, clearly uncomfortable with her questioning their commander's decisions. The lieutenant gave the woman a warning nudge with his elbow.

"What's your concern, Chief?" The commander said as diplomatically as he could, but couldn't quite keep the edge out of his voice. _What is her deal? _He fixed his green eyes on her in a steady stare. She didn't back down.

"I don't think we should be bringing in anymore…" She cast an uncomfortable glance towards Garrus, "_strangers_ into this investigation. What if Saren finds out we're on his trail?"

"How? Through the bounty hunter hired to take out his agent?" Shepard shook his head irritably, totally confused by the sudden show of caution from the soldier. "Or from the C-Sec investigator trying to bring him down?"

Williams took a step closer to him, closing the gap. Her brown eyes met his, serious as she replied in a hushed voice. "Allegedly." She murmured, "_Allegedly_ trying to bring him down. He's a bird, too. I don't buy it."

"Dismissed, Chief."

The woman gaped at him, stepping back as if slapped. "What? But, sir – "

"I said dismissed. We'll rendezvous at the embassies once this investigation is over."

Williams looked at him with fire in her eyes. She looked ready to argue further, glancing at Alenko for support. As soon as the lieutenant shook his head, she let out a huff and stormed off.

He brought his hand up to run it through his hair, letting out a sigh. He had never met anyone so damned stubborn. She was infuriating, and as he watched her retreating form, he couldn't help but feel the urge to go after her demanding an explanation. He glanced over at Garrus, the turian's mandibles drooped. Apparently, Williams hadn't been as quiet as she hoped. _What the hell. I didn't figure her for a damn racist. _With a last regretful glance in the direction she left, he started off towards their goal. "After we're done, drinks are on me."

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"You wanted proof? There it is." Udina's arrogant voice greeted them as they entered the chamber. The ambassador gave an overly satisfied grin towards Anderson as he walked up behind him.

_Oh, great. He's just as much of a douche when he's happy. _

Shepard stood behind Anderson, the towering behemoth that was Wrex at his back. Tali wrung her hands beside the krogan, her helmeted head taking in the vast chamber. He fixed his eyes on the three councilors before him. If Tali's evidence hadn't convinced them, nothing would.

"This evidence is irrefutable, Ambassador. Saren will be stripped of his Spectre status and all efforts will be made to bring him in to answer for his crimes." The turian councilor pledged. Shepard let out a breath he didn't know he had been holding on to. A glance at Anderson told him his captain was just as relieved.

"I recognize the other voice on the recording," The asari councilor spoke up, "Matriarch Benezia."

Shepard's brow furrowed. All he knew of matriarchs was that they were asari who had reached their final stage of life. But from the look on the councilor's face, he doubted Saren's buddy was some wizened grandmother telling tales of her youth. "Is she dangerous?" He heard his voice reverberate through the council chamber, and was surprised by its commanding quality.

"Very. Matriarch Benezia is a powerful biotic, and she has many followers. She will make a formidable ally for Saren." The asari replied gravely. _Oh, dandy._

"I'm more interested in these Reapers. What do you know of them?"

A sigh escaped the commander as the salarian councilor joined the discussion. The Reapers were going to be a tough sell, and he knew it. Only the broken images still burned in his head from the beacon made him half believe the ancient machines could be real. He watched the councilors closely as Anderson retold what little they knew: the Reapers were old, powerful, and brought total annihilation upon the Protheans.

"The geth revere them as gods. They believe Saren is the prophet for their return." _Turian Jesus._

"Do we even know what the Conduit is?" The salarian sounded doubtful. Shepard didn't blame him.

"Whatever it is, Saren thinks it can bring back the Reapers." Shepard looked at each councilor. Only the asari didn't look convinced he was a madman. "We need to find out. We need to go after him. The Reapers are too dangerous to ignore."

"Listen to yourself," The turian scoffed in disbelief. "Saren wants to bring back machines that wiped out all life in the galaxy? Impossible. It has to be." He shook his head, his voice taking on the tone of a father scolding a toddler. "Where did the Reapers go? Why did they vanish? If they were real, we would have found some trace of them."

"We _did_. The beacon. The Protheans left it as a warning." Shepard growled out. "We were right about Saren, and you thought that was just as impossible, councilor."

"This is different." The asari cut in, taking the commanders glare off the turian councilor. She spoke soothingly, though her tone was no less belittling. "You proved Saren betrayed the Council. We have all agreed that the geth are helping him search for the Conduit, but we don't really know why."

"The Reapers are obviously a myth, Commander. Saren has fabricated them to bend the geth to his will." The salarian councilor's words were as disappointed as ever.

"You can't just put your heads in the sand!" Shepard burst out, frustrated and desperate. Behind him, Wrex gave a quiet chuckle, obviously amused at his tactlessness. He understood their reservations, but a complete denial? Their complete unwillingness to consider his words was maddening. "The Reapers wiped out the Protheans 50,000 years ago. We have to stop Saren from finding the Conduit before the same happens to us!"

"Saren is a rogue agent. He is stripped of all council privileges and on the run for his life."

"That is not good enough!" Ambassador Udina barked. "You know Saren is hiding in the Traverse. Send your fleet in!"

"A fleet cannot track one man." The salarian councilor said, regarding Udina as if he were no more than a noisy lapdog.

"The Citadel fleet could secure the entire region. Keep the geth from attacking anymore of our colonies." Despite Shepard's dislike of the insufferable man, he had to agree with Udina. _What happened to bringing Saren to justice for his crimes?_

"Or it could trigger a war with the Terminus Systems. We won't be dragged into a galatic confrontation over a few dozen human colonies!" The turian councilor announced angrily. Shepard clenched his fist, stepping forward. Anderson looked at him in warning, giving him a single shake of his head, but the commander was raging.

"Then send me." He spat, eyes hard. "If you can't be bothered to protect the lives of a species you call allies, then let me." _I'll be damned if I let anyone die over bullshit politics._

"Shepard's right. I'm tired of this Council's anti-human bullsh- "

"Ambassador!" The asari councilor raised her hand, diplomatic as ever. "The Commander is right. We can't risk sending the fleet into the traverse, but a lone agent sent after Saren would not trigger a war." She said, looking to the turian on her right.

"No!" The turian growled, brow plates pushing together. "It's too soon. They are not ready for the responsibilities that come with joining the Spectres."

_Fuck. Who said anything about being a Spectre? _Shepard looked over at Anderson. The captain knew his reservations. He had never been particularly taken with leadership, he had simply fallen into the position on the Normandy after his N7 training. But being a Spectre... He was unable to stop himself from silently agreeing with the councilor. He wasn't ready for that responsibility. Anderson gave him a reassuring nod, the same determination in his eyes. _He should be the one. _With a sigh and an overwhelming feeling of dread, Shepard looked back to the turian.

"It's the best solution. You don't need to send your fleet, and the Ambassador gets his human Spectre." Udina was nodding rampantly. "Everybody's happy." Shepard's voice sounded distinctly not happy.

The two other councilors looked to the turian, obviously convinced themselves. With a resigned sigh, he gave in, nodding. The three lifted their hands to the consoles in front of them.

"Commander Shepard, step forward." The asari commanded, and Shepard complied. His throat constricted in panic. He was halfway aware of the gathering bodies on the balconies overlooking the main chamber, and he made an effort to stand taller.

"It is the decision of the council that you be granted all the powers and privileges of the Special Tactics and Reconnaissance branch of the Citadel," The asari councilor continued, oblivious to the commander's discomfort.

"Spectres are not trained, but chosen. Individuals forged in the fire of battle; those whose actions elevate them above the rank and file."

"Spectres are a symbol, an ideal. The embodiment of courage, determination, and self-reliance." _Shit._ "They are the right hand of the Council, the instruments of our will."

"Spectres bear a great burden. They are protectors of galactic peace, our first and last line of defense. The safety of the galaxy is theirs to uphold." _Fuck._

"You are the first human Spectre, Commander. This is a great accomplishment for you and your entire species." _This is a goddamn shitstorm, is what it is._

"I am honored, councilor." Shepard elected to say instead, his voice eerily calm.

"We're sending you into the Traverse after Saren. You are authorized to use any means necessary to apprehend him.

Shepard nodded. "I'll find him."

"This meeting of the council is adjourned." The asari concluded, the three councilers then signing off and walking off stage. Shepard's shoulders instantly slumped.

"Congratulations, Commander." Anderson was beaming at him, the pride in his eyes unmistakable as he came forward to shake Shepard's hand.

"We have a lot of work to do, Shepard. You're going to need a ship, a crew…" Udina muttered, obviously unimpressed with the events that just occurred. "Anderson! Come with me. I'll need your help to set this all up." He barked, and quickly walked off. Anderson heaved out a long-suffering breath.

"Take a look at the Spectre Requisitions office, they have a few things that might catch your eye." The captain's eyes twinkled. "Go celebrate, Shepard. You've earned it."

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People moved around him; talking, drinking, dancing. Flux pulled Shepard in, the three new alien members of his crew following. Alenko had murmured his apologies and something about a migraine before escaping to the Normandy.

The music blared in his ears, driving away the tension from his inauguration. Taking a hearty swig of a blue liquid the bartender had assured him was levo-friendly, he let the alcohol and the bass sink into him. He willed his mind to clear, to forget the dizzying events of the day. The hunt for evidence, the council, becoming a _Spectre. _And to top it off, the Normandy was now his. Anderson had found him outside the requisitions office, where he had been looking over his new rifle like a kid with a new toy. Garrus had come along after putting in his resignation, and the two were chatting animatedly about the benefits of Spectre-grade arms when the captain pulled him aside.

It was bullshit. Udina had bullied Anderson into stepping aside again, and no word from Shepard seemed to sway the man from his decision.

"It's time for you to step up, Shepard." Anderson had put simply, his voice hard. "No more messing around. Lives are depending on you." His hand had come down on the commander's shoulder. "I know you can do this, Owen. You've grown. I wouldn't have put you forward as a candidate if I had any doubts."

Shepard had grimaced, shaking his head. "Anderson, this should be you. I'll fuck it up."

"Stop throwing yourself a damn pity party and get your ass in line. You are a leader. Quit holding yourself back and be one." Anderson's stare was intense, and Shepard had felt himself fizzle out. "The Normandy is yours now, Owen. Take good care of her."

A pause, then a grim nod. "Yes, sir." A final reassuring slap on the back, and his captain was gone.

Shepard took another swig of his drink. It was sweet, almost cloyingly so, but it got the job done. Turning from the bar, he walked back to where his new crew were seated. The turian, the quarian, and the krogan – an eclectic mix. _This is going to be an interesting mission._

"Shepard."

"Wrex."

He slid into a chair across from the battlemaster. He hadn't met many krogan, but he couldn't help but think how goddamn huge Wrex was every time he looked at him. Wrex had been useful in their confrontation with Fist – barreling in with a shotgun and charged biotics while Shepard and Garrus picked off thugs from opposite vantage points with their rifles. Alenko had maintained barriers and put up stasis fields to prevent foes from escaping deeper into the nightclub. The team had worked well together.

"Nice show with the Council. About time those pyjaks got something other than an ass-kissing." Wrex let out a growling chuckle, the sound deep and grinding.

"I would have loved to see that. Probably was almost as good as rubbing it in the Executor's face." Garrus lifted his drink, but paused before he drank with a question. "Wrex told me you told them to get their heads out of the sand. Is that some human expression?" His expression was quizzical, and Shepard chuckled. The action was soothing, and he was internally surprised at how at ease he felt. It had been a long time.

"It comes from an Earth bird. Ostriches." Shepard shrugged, "Never seen them myself. Apparently, when they're in danger, they put their heads in the sand to try and hide."

"Well, that's just stupid. They must be extinct." Garrus snorted. "And you people call turians birds? If that's what Earth birds are like, I'm not seeing the similarities." He shook his head, appalled. Shepard snorted.

"Yeah, I've been meaning to apologize about that – "

"Don't bother." Garrus shrugged, holding up his talons. "I've seen every form of prejudice there is in C-Sec. She'll get over it eventually." Shepard nodded gratefully, raising his glass to the turian. They both took a drink.

"I still can't believe it." Tali said, speaking up for the first time since the council meeting. "I was _in_ the council chambers. My people haven't been allowed on the Presidium since we lost our embassy." Her voice was distinctly awestruck. Shepard's eyebrows rose in amusement. She was so innocent.

"You're not missing much." Garrus said quietly, glancing at the quarian before returning to his drink.

"How can you say that? It was amazing!" She gasped, throwing out her hands. Shepard grinned. She seemed to make up for her loss of facial expression with overly emphasized body language. The turian chuckled.

"Not having anything, Tali?" Shepard asked, noticing she wasn't drinking.

"I doubt I'd be able to drink anything here. They always say it's purified, but I'm not going to take the risk before such an important mission." She shrugged, her voice still bright. "Besides, I don't have my feeding tube. I still need to stop and get my things to load onto the Normandy."

Shepard nodded, smiling. "Where do you have them?"

Her hands came together, fingers twisting at each other. "I've been staying at a shelter in the lower wards. It should all still be there."

Garrus whipped his head towards her, scandalized. "You've been staying in the lower wards? Alone?" He gaped at her. "That's not safe!"

"Princess here can take care of herself." Wrex growled, sporting a toothy grin. "I saw her beat off some lowlife last week with the butt of that shotgun of hers while I was strolling through the markets. I would've just shot him, personally. Easier."

Shepard laughed. "I'm starting to think you didn't need our help at all, Tali." He grinned at her, and she murmured something indistinguishable, the silver glow of her eyes behind her mask falling to the floor in embarrassment. Garrus' mouth had not stopped gaping.


	4. Chapter 4

Owen ran. Unlike his race through the fields that afternoon, this running was desperate, frenzied. His breathing was labored and smoke choked his lungs. He had finally reached the edge of the settlement as he felt a hand close around his wrist.

"Owen, _wait!_" Cassidy hissed. "We can't just run in there, you heard those screams."

"Cass, my family is in there. Your family too. We can't just sit here, we have to _do_ something." His voice was tense and hushed, and he tugged her along with him as he took a few quick, silent steps towards the edge of a barn. A shriek echoed from inside and he felt Cassidy tense along with him. "What the hell is going on…?" He murmured, daring a peek inside the barn's half-cracked door.

Dozens of colonists were packed together, their hands and feet bound as they lay on the dirt floor. Some were stripped bare, curled and sobbing, angry red marks on their backs and sides. Many more were dead, lying in piles around the edge. Owen fought the bile that rose in his throat, and tightened his hold of Cassidy's hand as she choked back a sob. His eyes rose to the guards. Dread enveloped him as he recognized them as batarians. Slavers.

The aliens were talking amongst themselves in their guttural language. Owen had never taken the time to learn the batarian language, and he thanked the heavens now for translators.

"Bring the ones young enough to train to the ship to get implanted. Burn the rest of them." One of the slavers grunted, his four eyes narrowing in disgust as one of the women near him was racked by another sob. He kicked her naked form with a booted foot, snarling. The woman shrieked. "Disgusting animals." The batarian spat on her. "Quiet, or you'll get worse than that." He threatened, leaning down to run a menacing hand over her cheek. He left with a chuckle, and she whimpered.

"That's Ms. Locke…" Cassidy whispered, her eyes full of tears. She looked visibly ill.

Owen's own eyes were wide with rage, fists clenched. "We have to do something. Find weapons or…" He growled to her, but the girl was still with shock. "Cass, come on. This isn't everyone, we have to find where their keeping the others, or find a distress beacon, something." A sickening stench hit him, and he looked back to the barn. Guards were dragging out the bodies out of a door on the opposite side and piling them nearby. Burning them. He desperately fought the bile once more.

When the blonde didn't move he grasped her wrist and pulled her away. "Come on, Cass. We'll be okay. We can do this." He held her face between his hands, searching her wide blue eyes. She nodded meekly. Owen grabbed hold of her hand once more and stalked to the edge of a nearby clearing. Several pods were nearby, the small housing units of individual families. All looked deserted. He could see the newer dwellings on the far side of the colony, made from far more flammable material than the pods, were in a blaze. His eyes stung.

"Owen, your house – "

"Dad would have gotten them out." He cut her off. Cassidy nodded sadly at him, squeezing his hand.

"We should try for the Alliance outpost. They'd probably have a beacon inside or some way of calling for help. There's got to be someone nearby that can help." He said quickly, changing subjects. Cassidy simply nodded again in agreement, brushing a lock of blond hair out of her eyes.

The two teenagers hid at the corner of one of the pods as two batarians walked towards the barn, one of them laughing loudly at something. Anger rose once more in Owen. _Heartless bastards. _As soon as they disappeared inside, the teens darted across the clearing. The outpost would be close, on the other side of the alcove of pods. They zigzagged their way between the homes, ducking under metal crossbeams when necessary. The air was eerily quiet except for the distant sound of burning houses and the occasional scream. _Where is everyone else?_ Owen slowed as they reached the outpost, the Alliance emblem on the door. He looked around in disappointment. The soldiers stationed here weren't anywhere in sight.

Taking a deep breath and checking one final time that there were no slavers nearby, he darted out from their hiding spot to the door. The door didn't swish open at their approach. _No power. They must have cut the generators. _It slid easily open as he pulled at it, affirming his suspicions – if any soldiers were left alive, they weren't here. They wouldn't have left it unlocked. He peeked his head in, searching for any hint of the batarians. The large main room was empty.

"Where are the Alliance soldiers?" Cassidy whispered too him, echoing his thoughts. He shook his head and pulled her inside. He closed the door behind him and turned back to the room. He could see a door at the far end, and an ominous stain of blood on a nearby wall.

"I don't think they made it." Owen murmured, eyes fixed on the blood. "Or if they did, they're not here anymore. Look for a console, anything we can send out a distress signal with. Hopefully something is still running without power." Cassidy nodded, and began looking over the desks scatter throughout the room. The place had been ransacked.

Owen walked to the far wall, gasping as he opened the door. "Oh, Christ." He whispered, looking down at the uniformed body. He didn't recognize the man, but he was clearly one of the Alliance soldiers. His throat had been slit, the nasty red wound gaping.

"Owen, I couldn't find anything…" Her voice trailed off as she looked down at the soldier with him. Owen looked up, and noticed her shaking. He wrapped his arm around her and pulled her away.

"It'll be alright. We'll be okay." He murmured into her hair, half to himself. "I have to see if he has a gun, okay? Don't look."

He knelt beside the body, his stomach turning over again. He had never been near a dead body. As he moved to search the man, he had to clamp down hard on his jaws to keep from wretching. He found a pistol tucked under the soldier's hip, and tucked it in the back of his pants. A thought dawned on him.

"He must have and omni-tool…" The boy murmured, turning over the soldier's left hand. The devices were standard military issue, but he wished now he had been able to convince his father to get him one. He pulled off the man's glove, looking inside for the usual concealed compartment. _I hope he doesn't have it implanted._ He thanked every god he knew of when he found the tiny chip, then slipped on the glove. The familiar orange holographic gauntlet lit up over his arm as it recognized a user. "Yes!" He said, a little more loudly than he had meant to. His eyes scrolled over the text displayed. Most functions looked locked. _Aha_. He opened up an emergency messaging panel, and recorded a quick S.O.S. He sent it off to all priority Alliance contacts saved in the soldier's omni-tool, then stood up.

"That should get them here." _I hope. _His voice was stronger than he felt. "Let's go see if we can find where they're keeping everyone else." He pulled the pistol loose from his pants, holding the weapon awkwardly. He had only shot a gun a few times, and it had only ever been rifles. He doubted shooting cans with his father would help much in this situation. Cassidy followed him silently, her eyes not meeting his.

Owen strode quietly across the room and eased the door open a few inches. No one was outside. He stepped out quickly, pulling the girl with him. They started towards the pods again, when a shot rang out.

Cassidy screamed.

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Shepard awoke with a start. Sweat plastered his thick hair to his brow. His whole body was trembling. "Fuck…" He groaned, a hand lifting to rub his temple. He was used to the flashbacks by now, but it hadn't been this vivid in years. He ran a hand through his hair.

Swinging his legs off the bed, he glanced at the clock. 0400. He'd ordered everyone to be at their stations at 0600.. He let go of a heavy sigh and stood. He wasn't about to go back to sleep. Stripping off a sweat-laden shirt and boxers, he walked into the room's private bathroom. One benefit of the captain quarters: private showers. He let the water run cold, replacing the anxiety he always felt after a nightmare with alertness.

Once he was shivering, he shut off the water and grabbed a towel. He didn't bother glancing in the mirror, just grabbed a comb and some casuals, dressing quickly before heading to the cockpit.

"Commander." Joker greeted, brow raised. "You look full of sunshine this morning."

"Shut it, Joker," He grumbled, slumping into the co-pilot's chair.

"All those Thessian temples caught up with you, huh?" The pilot chuckled.

"Something like that." Shepard snorted, and shook his head. "Glad to know my position as captain isn't going to change things between us." He gave the pilot a half-smile, and the bearded man shook his head.

"Nawh, no special treatment for you. You may be the Normandy's new captain, but she'll always be my baby." The pilot gave him a winning smile, and Shepard shook his head. How they man hadn't been reprimanded out of that pilot's seat, he had no idea. "Alenko said you managed to piss off Ashley. Good going there, tex. The hottest woman on board, and now she's all mine."

_Ashley?_ _Oh, Williams. _Shepard gave an exasperated laugh. "Gossiping again?" He raised an eyebrow at the pilot.

Joker shrugged. "I look at these panels all day. I need something to keep me entertained. And Kaidan seriously doesn't know how to keep his mouth shut. He went to find her as soon as he got back from your big parade."

The commander rolled his eyes, but refrained from saying anything. That Williams was still upset didn't surprise him. He'd have to deal with her eventually, but it wouldn't be now. He looked out the cockpit windows to the docking bay for a while, sitting in silence. He came up here sometimes, just watching space. Joker never seemed to mind. "Pre-flight checks going well?"

Joker scoffed. "They're totally unnecessary. Usual Citadel bureaucratic bull." The pilot shifted in his seat. "I just wanted to say, it was shitty what they did to Anderson, but you're the right guy for the job. If anyone can catch that turian asshat, it's you."

Shepard's eyebrows shot up, bewildered. He had never heard the pilot give a compliment to anyone but himself before. Unsure what to say, he simply nodded. He didn't know where the man's confidence in his abilities stemmed from but he was grateful. "We'll get the bastard." His voice was determined now, and he looked back to the windows.

"0600, Commander." Joker interrupted his thoughts a little while later, and Shepard stood. He looked back into the CIC at his crew bustling to their stations.

"Bring up the comm."

Joker nodded, pressing a few buttons before glancing expectantly at his commander. "Ready when you are."

"This is Commander Shepard speaking," he began.


	5. Chapter 5

Shepard slammed his foot on the brake, turning quickly to avoid yet another pool of lava. A boyish grin teased at his lips. He fucking loved the Mako.

His team let out a unified groan in back, Garrus barking out some untranslated turian word from the gunbay – no doubt a choice turian curse.

"Shepard." The krogan grunted out from beside him, having scored shotgun simply by being too large to fit in with the others.

"Wrex." He swerved to avoid an overlook, then gunned it towards a few geth. They made a satisfying crunch.

"I have lived for over a thousand years. I have fought alongside great krogan clans and skilled asari commandos." Wrex growled, red eyes falling on Shepard, assessing the human. "None of those warriors have tried so hard to kill me while I'm still in their vehicle."

Shepard grinned. "Don't worry. I'm a professional." More groans from the back answered him.

He barreled the vehicle forward into a geth armature. The machine crumpled, spinning back into a river of molten lava. The commander let out a whoop, then drove them around a bend. Three turrets greeted them.

"Only a fool punches a nathak in the mouth. We should sneak around and pull its tail." Wrex grumbled beside him.

_What the hell is a nathak? _Shepard shook his head but did as the krogan suggested, eyeing the large encampment behind the turrets. He spotted an offshoot of the road and quickly turned into it, swearing as another turret greeted them. "Garrus, a little help?" He called up, and the turian obliged by firing the Mako's rocket. The turret exploded. A small smile played on the commander's lips. "Nice."

The team shot through the encampment, picking off the geth without much consequence. When they finally reached a point where they couldn't continue on in the Mako, Shepard stepped out of the vehicle casually. He readied his weapon, checking their surroundings. "Clear." He called, watching as his squad stumbled out. Each of them looked disgruntled, Tali wrapping her arms around herself. Williams leaned weightily against the Mako's hull.

"Thank you God." She murmured, helmeted head tilted up towards the sky. Alenko was doubled over nearby, hands on his knees.

Shepard rolled his eyes at the lot of them. "Come on, let's move out. It shouldn't be much further to the mine."

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"Can you hear me out there? I'm trapped! I need help!" A suspended asari called out to the team as they approached. _No shit, Sherlock._ Shepard looked over the barrier surrounding her and contemplated what the hell they were going to do next.

"Dr. T'Soni?" He questioned, still examining the edges of the barrier.

"Yes. Listen, I need you to get me out. There's a control room that should deactivate the barrier somewhere behind me. But you need to get to it. This is a Prothean security device, I can't move."

"I can see that." Shepard murmured, glancing behind them. There was stairs leading lower. Maybe they could find a way around? "Are you safe from the geth in there?" The asari nodded, opening her mouth again to speak. "We'll be right back. Hang tight." He couldn't resist adding with a smirk as he cut her off. The commander motioned to his squad to move out.

A few more geth attempted an ambush and were rewarded with dual shotgun blasts from Tali and Williams.

"Fucking flashlight heads…" Williams murmured. Tali nodded, clearly agreeing with the assessment.

Shepard approached a mass of abandoned mining equipment. He eyed the largest piece suspiciously. It looked like a gun. "What is this?" He called out, questioning anyone willing to answer.

"A mining laser, I think." Lieutenant Alenko came up beside him, poking over the large instrument. "Looks intact."

Shepard glanced at the rock wall beneath where the asari was trapped. "It probably is pretty efficient at digging tunnels, right?"

"Yeah, I guess, why…?" Alenko followed Shepard's gaze. "Commander, I don't know if that's such a good idea." The man added quickly as he put two and two together. "Who knows how to aim this thing, and I doubt these mines are that stable. We could cause a collapse and…" The lieutenant trailed off again, noting his commander's distinct lack of interest in his cautious objections.

"Can you calibrate it so we don't carve a hole through the Doctor's little resting room?" Shepard asked. Alenko shook his head.

"I can." Tali hurried over to them eagerly, glancing over the machine. "My people use similar models to mine resources for the Flotilla. It shouldn't be hard." She announced confidently, three-fingered hands getting to work on the laser's computer. It screeched slightly as it repositioned itself towards their target. "Ready?"

Shepard nodded, motioning for everyone to stand back. "Blast it."

Tali fired the laser, and it carved easily through the rock wall into the open room on the other side. Shepard grinned. The sheer number of explosions he was enacting today was putting him in a great mood. "Good work, Tali. Let's go save us a damsel." He said happily. Williams snorted in disgust.

"How did you get in here? I thought there was no way past the barrier!" The asari said in disbelief as the stepped off the lift and into her prison.

_Funny, because you sent us looking for one._ "Mining laser." He said simply. He glanced at a nearby console and walked over to deactivate her static binds. He paused. "Before I let you out, I need to know I can trust you."

"What? Why?!" The asari cried out.

"Your mother is working with Saren. He's a traitor to the council, and her association makes her a threat." Shepard said bluntly, eyeing the asari's face for any hint that she knew.

"What?! She… she wouldn't…" Her voice was broken, and she shook her head. "I am _not_ my mother. I don't know why Benezia would have joined Saren. I want nothing to do with that turian bastard!"

"If she was with Saren, I don't think the geth would be trying to kill her, Commander." Alenko murmured at his side. Shepard nodded, then pressed a few keys to release the asari. She hit the ground with a rather unladylike _umph. _Alenko moved forward to help her up, and Shepard caught a glimpse of Williams rolling her eyes.

"Let's get moving before more geth show up." Shepard took a few steps back towards the elevator that had brought them to Dr. T'Soni's chamber. "Will this take us topside?" He asked.

"Yes. The Protheans built the rest of this complex around this main column. This should open up into the top cham –" She paused as an ominous rumble shook the hall around them.

_Shit._ "What the hell was that?" Williams spat out, voicing his thoughts.

"These ruins are not stable. The mining trigger must have triggered a seismic event." The asari's eyes were wide as she spoke. "We have to get out of here!" _Thank you, Captain Obvious._

"Joker! Get the Normandy airborne and locked on to my position. Now!" He commanded with a hand lifted to his ear. He keyed the elevator to move. _This thing had better move faster than those goddamn Citadel elevators._

"Aye, aye, Commander. Secure and aweigh. ETA eight minutes." Joker's voice sounded over his comm in a quick reply. Shepard readied his pistol. The others mirrored his action as they approached the surface.

"Nothing's ever easy with you, is it, Shepard?" Garrus drawled beside him as they all saw the geth welcoming party waiting for them on the surface. The krogan leading the machines brandished his shotgun, grinning wildly.

"Surrender, or don't. That would be more fun." The brute growled.

"Kill this bastard. We're getting out of here." Shepard snarled back, Wrex snorting in approval beside him. They opened fire.

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"So, now that that's done…" Garrus muttered, hanging back as the others exited the debriefing room. "How does it feel, knowing how remarkably strong-willed you are?" His mandibles flared in a devious smile.

Shepard barked out a laugh, shaking his head. He had gotten to know the turian a little better on their trip out to Therum. The man was a smart-ass, if a little naïve at times, and Shepard had decided he enjoyed his company. "Don't worry, Garrus. I won't hold it against you lesser minded beings."

Garrus rolled his eyes. "Williams was about to pounce on the good doctor. You're going to have your hands full with those two." He mused.

"Yeah, I'll figure it out." Shepard murmured non-committedly. "You want to show Liara around after the doc is done with her? Tali's busy down in engineering, and I'm not sure I like how Wrex is looking at her…" The krogan had taken an instant liking to the young asari.

"Oh, sure." Suddenly, the turian's talons rose to his plated forehead "Wait- whoa, I'm afraid I'm feeling a bit lightheaded. All of the mental exhaustion, you know. I'd better go lie down."

"Ass." Shepard grumbled, but a smile teased at his lips. The turian threw a wave over his shoulder as he walked out the door. The commander moved to follow him out, but Joker stopped him in his tracks as the pilot's voice came over the intercom.

"Council's on the line, Commander. Want me to patch them through?"

Shepard sighed. "Do it." He turned to face the holographic images of the three councilors, his hands grasping each other behind his back.

"We've received your report, Commander. I understand Dr. T'Soni is on the Normandy?" Shepard nodded in response to the asari councilor's question.

"I assume you're taking all necessary security precautions?" The turian councilor looked at him doubtfully. Shepard nodded again, fighting to keep his face impassive. _These assholes are you superiors now. Keep it cool._

"Dr. T'Soni claims she didn't know of her mother's plans. I am inclined to believe her. The geth were attacking her when we arrived, only the barriers she was trapped behind kept them back." The commander explained.

The councilors seemed to accept his word for this, for which he was grateful.

"Then the mission was a success. Good work, Shepard." The asari councilor praised, but the turian councilor was glowering at him.

"Apart from the destruction of a major Prothean ruin. Was that really necessary, Shepard?" The turian seethed. Shepard clenched his fist. He eyed the disconnect button.

"I didn't have time to consider the ruins, councilor." He growled. "The geth were crawling all over them. We barely made it out as it was."

"Of course, commander. The mission must always take priority." The salarian councilor said, sounding more patronizing than Shepard appreciated.

"Good luck, Commander. Remember, we're all counting on you." _As if I'd forget._

"Fucking uppity assholes…" He growled out as soon as their holograms dissipated. He stalked grumpily out of the debriefing room and down the stairs. He'd check on Joker later, right now he needed to punch something. He stopped briefly in his cabin to change into some workout clothes – a standard issue close-fitting grey t-shirt and sweats – before climbing into the elevator to the Normandy's hangar.

He stepped out of the elevator into the hangar. Wrex was looking over his armor, offering the commander a short nod before going back to work. Garrus was half-under the Mako, no doubt extracting pieces of the geth Shepard had ran over. Williams met his gaze briefly, eyes drifting over his form, before turning back to her station. He ignored her and made straight for the punching bag erected in the far corner of the room. He keyed his omni-tool to start up some heavy music over his own comm before throwing himself at the bag.

His arms throbbed when he was done. He flexed sore fingers, rubbing his knuckles idly as he turned away from the bag. He felt the tension ease out of him, replaced with exhaustion. And hunger. He was hungry. Looking up from his hands, his eyes met Williams'. How long had she been watching him? He looked over her cautiously, trying to find any hint of aggression. Her hair was down, he noted. That made sense, it was close to lights out and she wasn't guarding red eye this cycle. But looking over her long, dark hair, he realized she looked… different.

"Chief." He said simply in greeting, grabbing the towel and water he'd brought down with him. He ran the rag over his face, relishing the feeling.

Her eyes widened, as if just then realizing she had been staring. "Commander." She clipped back, starting to turn back again. _Might as well get this over with._

"Got a minute to talk?" He walked towards her.

"I should really get back to work, sir. These guns – "

"It'll just take a minute. I need to know if you can work with the aliens on our team." He said bluntly, not letting her finish her excuse. Her eyes hardened. "You did a good job down there, and your record is spotless. But I can't have a squad that doesn't trust one another." He watched her set her stance defiantly, turning towards him.

"I can work with them, sir. That doesn't mean I have to trust them. I know you're a Spectre now, and things are different on the Normandy... but they're not even Alliance." She shook her head. "I don't think they should have access to all of the ship. They could get a hold of too much information."

"What's your deal, Williams?" Shepard growled, exasperated. He leaned against her work station. "I never figured you for a racist."

"It's not racism!" She spat, her voice growing heated. "I just know that when push comes to shove, they're not going to give two shits that we're allies and look after themselves. Humanity needs to do the same."

"That's a little cynical. Humanity can't advance alone." Shepard said angrily, refraining from rolling his eyes at her. "Our allies only strengthen us as a whole. They're people too, Williams." She looked unconvinced. "You've had to have worked with other species before. Where does this all come from?"

"I haven't, actually." She grumbled, her brown eyes leaving his. She leaned over to fiddle with one of the weapons deconstructed on her worktable. Her thick hair concealed most of her face, making her expression unreadable.

"What? You were groundside?" Her head nodded, but she didn't look up. "How did you never get a shipboard assignment before now? Your scores were exemplary." He looked at her in astonishment. He had seen her in action – the soldier knew how to use a gun. That she'd been stuck on the ground instead of serving with the fleet baffled him.

"You mean you don't know?" She looked at him, the heat in her voice gone. Her face was softer. She shook her head disbelievingly, her brown eyes searching his for something. He met her gaze, curious. _Don't know what?_ "I'm a military brat. My father, grandfather, great-grandmother – all military." She continued after a moment, obviously not planning on enlightening him "My family has defended the Alliance since it was founded. I guess we just tend to think of Earth's interests as our own."

"I can understand that, I guess. But I don't see how Earth's best interests can't at least strive to coincide with the rest of the galaxy's." She gave a shrug, obviously not wishing to argue about it further. "So, military family. Anyone I would know?" He asked, fishing for further explanation. He could tell by her dodge there was more. She frowned.

"Couldn't say, Commander." She said a little too quickly.

He gave her a calculating look. Brown eyes met his in challenge. _She so damn stubborn._ "Alright then." He grumbled, taking a drink of water. "So, this is your first shipboard assignment?" He backtracked, still intrigued by this fact.

"Yep. I had a short rotation on a space station for ZG certification, but other than that I've been groundside in surface garrisons." She explained, looking grateful for the change of topic.

"That's too bad. One of the reasons I joined up in the first place was to see space. It's one of the big perks of being a marine." He commented casually. She glanced at him, surprised by him sharing something personal.

"Yeah. I still remember my first field exercise on Titan. When we hit mud, that's when it hit me: I'm the first person who's stood here." She grinned, reminiscing. Shepard looked at her quizzically as she let out an amused snort. "Then my drill instructor kicked me in the ass. I went face first into the muck. He spent the next five minutes chewing me out for goldbricking."

Shepard laughed, brows raised in surprise. "Goldbricking? Don't tell me you had Gunny Ellison." His grin was broad and infectious.

"Oh, Lord." Williams laughed. "You went to the Macapã boot camp too?"

"Hell, yeah." Shepard grinned, looking to the ceiling in remembrance as he ran he slicked back still sweat-damp hair. "That bastard reamed me out every day for something. I'm still trying to figure out what half the things he said meant. I mean, what the hell is an inveigler?"

The woman snorted, leaning back against the table beside him. "My favorite was pusillanimous. That guy was a walking thesaurus." She laughed again. "It's good to know even you N7's started out getting your asses handed to you." He glanced back at her, a smile spread across her face. She looked so different like this, softer. For the first time he had to agree with Joker. She was a beautiful woman.

Shepard smiled. "Believe me, I'm surprised I made it past basic with the shit I pulled." He pushed himself up from the table, taking note of the sweat stains decorating his armpits. He returned to their original discussion. "Alright, I can see where you're coming from with this stuff." He sighed, and she nodded. "Just make an effort to get to know them, okay? I think once you do, you'll see they're not so different. This is a multilateral mission, you're going to have to work with them, like it or not."

"It won't be a problem, Commander." She answered seriously. "You say 'jump', I say 'how high'. You ask me to kiss a turian, I'll ask which cheek."

Shepard smirked. "I'll let Garrus know you're interested." He walked back towards the elevator, the woman letting out a groan behind him.


	6. Chapter 6

"I don't know if you knew, but turians aren't huge fans of the cold." Garrus grumbled next to Shepard, looking the picture of misery. Shepard simply grinned in response. "I'm just saying, maybe next time we could pick somewhere a little warmer. With a beach."

"I'll make sure to put in your request with the geth." The commander chuckled.

Ashley rolled her eyes. The two never stopped. She didn't understand how Shepard was so at ease around these aliens but so cold towards everyone else. Her eyes glanced between the two as they walked down the hall towards the security checkpoint, then to Liara as the asari shivered. The bird did have a point. Even inside, it was freezing.

She looked outside through the window-lined walls and into the raging blizzard devastating Port Hanshan. Everything was white. It reminded her of Christmas with her family the years her father was stationed on Earth. Her lips turned downwards into a frown. _God, I miss them_. Ashley glanced back down the hall, noticing a few security personnel had gathered to greet them. Apparently, they hadn't been bluffing about verifying Shepard's identity.

Ashley watched the Spectre clench his fists as the guards grunted something about unscheduled arrivals. He did that a lot, she had noticed. She had heard stories about the man, about Akuze, about his misconduct charges in the months following. If the extranet could be believed, the man had brawled his way through the bars in Vancouver during his forced leave, even punching out a reporter covering the story. Alenko had told her the only reason he'd gotten back on his feet and into the N7 program was because of Anderson. Ashley didn't know what was true, but watching the man now, his shoulders set as he stepped menacingly forward, she couldn't help but think he was dangerous.

"I'm Commander Shepard." He growled. "I'm a Spectre, and I'm authorized to investigate this facility. Step aside."

The blonde snorted, looking at her surperior. "Load of horsecrap, ma'am."

"We'll have to confirm that. Also, I must advise you that firearms are not permitted on Noveria. Sergeant Stirling, confiscate their weapons."

The reaction was instant. Shepard drew his pistol, pointing it directly at the guard's head. Ashley and Garrus followed suit, Liara nervously moving her hand towards her own weapon. Blue light was dancing over the asari's skin.

"Try it." Shepard snarled. The man was in complete contrast to who he had been moments before with Garrus. None of the same light was in his eyes. It was unnerving.

"Captain Matsuo! Stand down." A voice cried out over the intercom. Shepard did not lower his weapon. "Commander Shepard's identity has been confirmed. Spectres are authorized to carry weapons here." The woman, Matsuo, sighed and gestured to the others to comply. Shepard waited a moment before doing the same.

"You may proceed, Spectre. I hope the rest of your visit will be less confrontational." The guard captain said grudgingly, stepping aside. Shepard walked past her without a second look.

Ashley watched, irritated, as some assitant named Parasini doted on Shepard. The soldier wasn't surprised as Parasini took every chance to flirt, no doubt making up for the less than warm welcome they had received. The woman's tight-fitted dress and heels didn't seem to distract the Spectre though; his face hard, mouth set in a tight line as he simply nodded to her directions and made blunt inquiries to the whereabouts of their goal. When Benezia came up, Liara's eyes grew wide.

"Benezia? She is here?" The girl gasped. Ashley sighed. _This is going to be messy._

Shepard continued after casting a cautious glance towards the asari. He seemed to like T'Soni about as much as Ashley, if she was reading him right in their debriefing after Therum, but she could see a hint of worry in otherwise cold eyes. As their commander asked about the Matriarch and directions to Peak 15, Ashley caught herself staring again. She cursed herself silently. _Focus on the mission._ They left Pasasini, descending into the headquarters of the Noveria Development Corporation. Shepard pulled Liara aside into a stairwell, undoubtedly to have a chat about her mother.

Ashley thought back to the night before, to the little chat Shepard had had with her. What had started off as confrontational ended somewhere… nice. Friendly. Watching him laugh with her, tease her, had shined a light on a different side of him. He seemed younger then, his green eyes sparkling with good humor as they reminisced. And she was damn grateful he hadn't mentioned anything about her oogling him while he pounded that punching bag. He was just so damn _hot_, a fact he seemed to be completely oblivious to.

The man was sculpted flesh. It was hard to miss while he was wearing that tight grey t-shirt. And his rugged good looks, all scruffy beard and chiseled jaw. Those haunting green eyes. He was by all rights tall, dark, and handsome. She was surprised the female crewmembers hadn't all thrown themselves at him by now. Ashley shook herself out of it as the man in question walked back to her and Garrus, Liara in tow. _This isn't the time to be daydreaming about your commanding officer, Williams. _She scolded herself internally.

"Come on, let's move out." Shepard grunted, and the team followed him across the bustling business center.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Ashley shouldered her assault rifle, picking off the skittering insects as they got close. She swore under her breath. _Of all the things that could try and kill us today, it had to be giant, angry bugs._ Shepard squashed a few under his boot and led them deeper into Peak 15.

The drive over had been treacherous, but after their first experience with Shepard's driving on Therum, she hadn't expected anything less. She was going to ask to drive next time. The man didn't seem to understand there were more options than full-speed ahead and complete stop. The turian and asari seemed to feel the same way, having stumbled out of the vehicle looking decidedly worse for wear.

She noticed Garrus was staring at the corpse of one of the insects he had gunned down a few moments before. Headshot. He and Shepard seemed to be insatiable showoffs when they had their rifles in hand. He didn't seem to be concerned with the wound though, strolling over to it and prodding the dead bug with a two-toed boot.

"What is it?" She asked, curious. Whatever else the bird might be, she had to admit he seemed to be observant. He looked up at her in surprise, twitching those odd mandibles.

"These things just look… familiar." He said quietly, adding with a shrug, "It's probably nothing." She nodded, turning to see Shepard staring at her in surprise. She rolled her eyes. _I said I'd try, didn't I?_

"Come on. That VI said we'd find Benezia in the hot labs. Let's get this tram online and find out what she's doing here." Shepard commanded, but kept her gaze for a few moments. She didn't look away.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Benezia was dead, Liara next to her in a sobbing heap. Shepard hovered a moment, his face haunted, before kneeling down beside the asari, rubbing her back in a soothing gesture. Ashley sighed, sympathetic. The girl had just helped them fight and kill her own mother. The distrust she felt towards the asari was beginning to fade.

Liara and Shepard stood as the man pulled her into a hug. Ashley felt her eyebrows shoot up. That had not been what she was expecting. Ashley hadn't taken the man as one that offered such compassionate gestures. The asari began to calm, murmuring her thanks to the commander as they pulled away from one another. He simply nodded, looking like he was about to say something else but stopping short as he pulled the woman behind him, pistol raised.

One of the asari commandos was now standing again, approaching the commander on slow, uncoordinated feet that reminded Ashley of the old Earth zombie vids. _What the hell? Didn't we kill her already?_

"This one serves as our voice." An eerie, dual-toned voice escaped the asari. Her eyes were lifeless. Ashley looked at Shepard, and followed his gaze towards the tank behind the walking corpse. The giant bug was now facing them, antennas flayed open in five-pointed stars directed towards the previously dead asari. "We cannot…sing. Not in these low places. Your musics are…colorless."

Her speech was choppy, straining. _The rachni is controlling her corpse! _Ashley realized with disgust, her grip on her weapon tightening. Shepard seemed to have come to the same realization, a snarl appearing on his face.

"You better have a damn good reason for controlling her." He spat furiously, not looking at the asari any longer. "What do you mean by 'musics'?"

"Your way of communicating is…strange. Flat. It does not color the air. When we speak, one moves all." The rachni queen/dead asari said by way of an attempted explanation. Ashley was left unenlightened.

"This is going to be a fun conversation." Garrus murmured next to her. She couldn't help but agree.

"We are the…mother. We sing for those left behind. The children you thought silenced." The insect continued, "We are rachni."

_We know that bit._ Ashley thought warily, eyeing up the queen. She was huge, a lot bigger than her 'children'. Garrus and Liara had been shocked when they learned from the Peak 15 scientists of the insects' true identity: rachni. Ashley had heard of them before; some extinct race that had gotten their asses kicked by the krogan. But she hadn't paid much attention when being taught about alien wars in school. If the look on her two alien squad mates' faces was any indication of what that war had been like, however, she would probably have to start giving the crawling monsters a little bit wider berth.

"How are you talking through her?" Shepard growled.

"Our kind sing through touchings of thought. We pluck the strings, and the other understands. She is weak to…urging." The queen answered. "She has colors we have no names for. But she is ending. Her music is bittersweet. It is beautiful." This did not seem to do anything to help Shepard's anger, but he said nothing. The queen continued. "The children we birthed were stolen from us. They did not learn to sing. They are lost to silence." Her voice was sorrowful through the asari. "End their suffering. They cannot be saved. They will only cause harm as they are."

Her statement seemed to startle Shepard, his eyes widening slightly. "You want us to kill your children?" He asked, obviously baffled.

"These…needlemen. They stole our children. Sought to turn them into beasts of war. Claws with no songs of their own!" The queen cried, her horror apparent. "Our elders are comfortable with silence. Children know only fear if no one sings to them. Fear has shattered their minds."

"Makes sense." Garrus commented. "No child left alone while they develop would be sane."

"We'll end their suffering." Shepard murmured, a hand running through his hair. Ashley caught a glimpse of his face. He looked…regretful?

"It is lamentable. But necessary. This one sings gratitude." The queen replied sadly. "Before you deal with our children, we stand before you. You are not in harmony with those who would control us."

Her statement caused Shepard to glance back to the tank seriously. "What will you sing? Will you release us?" The queen's question sounded hopefully through the asari, "Are we to fade away once more?"

The commander stepped forward, staring at the rachni's many eyes. _He can't be actually considering it. _"Commander, I don't trust this thing – we _know_ its kind are killers. We weren't here during the Rachni Wars, who knows what they're capable of in numbers." Ashley spoke up quickly, seeing the man debating it with himself. "That tank is rigged with acid. We should use it."

Shepard looked up at her seriously, studying her. _Don't do it._ She willed him. She couldn't think of anything good that would come from unleashing a giant insect broodmother on the galaxy.

"No! We can't judge her based on the actions of her ancestors!" Liara spoke up for the first time, her voice still rasped from crying. "They let the krogan go too far! This is our chance to atone. This queen has done nothing to us." Ashley gaped at her, then glanced to Shepard. He was looking back at the tank. _No!_ She swung her head to the turian. He looked no more certain than Shepard on what to do, his mandibles clamped tight to his face as he watched their commander.

"If I let you go," Shepard started, his voice tense and uncertain, "would you want revenge on the other races?"

"_No._" The queen said firmly. "We do not know what happened during the war. We only heard discordance. Songs the color of oily shadows." Her voice was thick with disgust. "We would seek a hidden place. Teach our children songs of harmony. If they understand, perhaps then we would return."

"How do you know of the war? Were you a survivor?"

"No. We were only an egg, hearing mother cry in our dreams. A tone of space hushed one voice after another. It forced the singers to resonate with its own sour yellow note." Ashley thought she heard a hint of fear now in her words. "Then we awoke in this place. The last echo of those who came out from the singing planet."

Shepard sighed, hand coming to pinch the bridge of his nose. Everyone was silent, all eyes on the commander as he looked up once more at the tank. "I'm letting you go." He announced, his voice hollow.

"What! Commander, these things were hunted to extinction for a reason!" Ashley cried, stepping towards him. "Her 'children' just massacred the people in there! What if that had happened on Tokyo, or Armstrong, or even the Citadel? It's too dangerous!" Her voice was desperate. _He can't do this._

"Killing this queen would be total genocide, Williams." Shepard growled back, turning to face her. His eyes were oddly sad though, lacking his usual fight. "I can't be the one to decide that." The Spectre looked back over his shoulder at the rachni. "She hasn't done anything to deserve death. She's only ever been their slave." His voice had grown quiet.

"But sir –"

"You will give us a chance to compose anew?" The queen asked, her voice joyful. "We _will_ remember. We will sing of your forgiveness to our children!"

Shepard moved towards the console, forgetting Ashley's protests. The tank began to rise as he keyed in the sequence for release, its ceiling opening to the sky above. The queen was free.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

The team was silent as they rode the elevator down to Peak 15's bottom floor. Shepard hadn't said a word after releasing the queen. Ashley was fuming. It was a mistake. His mercy had just doomed thousands of others whenever the queen began producing more of her 'children'. She knew it.

They stepped into an open room, Shepard approaching a lone man cautiously. Ashley stood a ways back as they discussed initiating the purge sequence to wipe out the remaining rachni. There was an ominous scuttling in the walls their whole way down. _I can't wait to get off this damn planet._

A sudden commotion pulled her from her thoughts as Shepard's hand flew towards his gun. Too late. The Russian scientist's abdomen had been ripped open, an antenna unfurling from it in a bloody mess. The insect lifted him, then dropped him down in a lifeless heap. The squad wasted no time opening fire.

"Goddamn it!" Shepard snarled, kneeling beside the dead man. He pulled up the man's omni-tool with his own, finding the initiation code for the purge. He stood and stormed towards the back room without another word. Garrus glanced at Ashley, his eyes dark with concern, before following. Ashley looked at Liara. The asari was staring at the ground again.

"Come on." She said simply, unable to help feeling sympathetic for the girl. The asari's gaze snapped up to hers, and she nodded. They followed the others into the next room, there finding Shepard busy trying to convince Mira the VI he really did want to activate the neutron purge. When the VI mentioned the lethality of the purge to all known life forms, Shepard nodded, turning to his squad.

"Be ready to run like hell." He said simply. "Initiate the purge."

"Authorization code required."

"Code input 875-020-079. Code Omega location execution."

"Code Omega execution in 120 seconds."

"Let's move!" Shepard ordered, turning towards the door. A screech of metal and rachni cries sounded from behind them.

"Never easy, Shepard." Garrus groaned, hoisting his rifle.

"We need to get to that elevator. Pull up together, watch all sides. Do not break formation. Williams, you and I take point." The commander said quickly. "Move out."

The squad darted quickly into the main room, guns firing instantly as they were greeted by a mass of screaming rachni. Ashley blasted the bugs with her shotgun as they got close, rewarding a particularly determined one a kick in the face as it scuttled towards her. She heard Shepard firing shot after shot at her back, the thumps of falling bodies confirming he had hit his marks. Garrus pelted the creatures with his assault rifle - his shots were well timed even with the more rapid-firing weapon.

Liara was throwing out biotic singularity and warp fields as fast as she could, exhaustion still evident on her face from their earlier battle with the commandos. Ashley could tell the girl was powerful, but by the way her shoulders slumped now, she didn't know if she would make it to the elevator. _There's so many!_

"Liara!" The commander shouted, obviously having took note of the asari's struggle as well. The girl had stumbled. Ashley blasted a rachni as it loomed over her. Ashley ran forward, grabbing the asari by the wrist and bringing her arm around her shoulders.

"Cover me!" She shouted, half-carrying the drained biotic the next few paces to the elevator. Shepard and Garrus followed, fending off the pursuing rachni. Ashley pushed the asari the rest of the way into the elevator, the woman stumbling, her head lolling back as she leaned against the wall. The soldier turned, bringing her shotgun back up as a rachni broke through Shepard and Garrus' line. She fired, but too late – the insect had spat a projectile of burning green venom. It hissed through the soft materials of her armor, eating a patchwork into her flesh.

"Fuck, Ashley!"

Shepard caught her as she fell, and suddenly they were in the elevator. The commander held her up, slamming his hands on the controls and turning to fire his pistol a final few times before the closing doors cut off the rachni's screams. Her leg was on fire. She grasped tightly at the man's armored shoulder, clenching down on her jaw to keep from crying out.

"Joker, we need an immediate pick up." Ashley heard his voice, but her vision was fuzzy with pain. "Then do your fucking best. Tell Doctor Chakwas we have incoming wounded."

Then he was carrying her.


	7. Chapter 7

Shepard paced across the debriefing room.

He was playing the events of Noveria over and over in his mind. Everything had went to shit. Liara was barely conscious now, sitting in her room in the back of a medbay with Alenko force-feeding her power bars and juice boxes to get her strength up. He shouldn't have brought her along. Not until he was sure of how much she could take. He asked too much of her, pushed her too hard. And now Williams…

His hand came down hard on one of the comm panels. His knuckles cracked and split, blood pooling up. He had failed them.

"Uh, Commander? Did you want to reconnect to the Council?" Joker asked with a nervous chuckle over the intercom, obviously having been alerted to his violent activation of the communicator. Shepard pulled his hand away from the controls.

"No, Joker." He sighed. "Sorry." He grunted out, striding from the room without another word. His check-in with the council had been brief. He couldn't focus on their questions while Williams was injured on the deck below. When Councilor Sparatus had commented on the stupidity of his decision to free the rachni, he had simply cut the line. He couldn't deal with their shit right now.

Shepard made his way quickly down the stairs, not stopping to even make eye contact with the crewmembers he passed. He had to make sure she was still okay. He should be the one in her place. He hadn't covered her well enough. He let that fucking bug get to her. Carrying her back to the Normandy, smelling the rot on her leg and watching her face screw up in pain as her body began to shiver… He wasn't about to let her die. He wouldn't lose another one.

He stepped through the doors into the medbay, taking in the scene before him. Ashley was unconscious, her armor stripped off in a pile on the next bed. She was wearing only the casuals she must have had on beneath. Her right pant leg had been cut off below her hip. Her thigh was covered in angry red lines, the skin burned away. In some places, it looked as if her flesh had come away with her armor, leaving bloody, skinless patches.

Dr. Chakwas was carefully placing layers of thin tissue over the wound. She looked up in surprise. "Commander? I told you I'd let you know when she recovered. Can I help you with something?"

"I just…" Shepard walked closer to the woman's bedside. Her face was peaceful, the earlier pain on it forgotten. He fixed his tone to something cooler. "She's okay?"

"I told you before, her armor took the worst of it. The wound isn't deep, and I'll be able to repair the more serious damage with skin grafts." She looked back to her work. "I'm rather good at what I do, you know. Chief Williams will make a full recovery, and be fit for duty before the end of the week."

Shepard slumped, sitting on a nearby bed. "Good…" He muttered, exhaustion hitting him. He continued to watch the doctor work, a hand running through his hair. "That's good."

"Commander, is there something else wrong?" Dr. Chakwas asked after a little while. "I don't usually have anyone hovering over me while I do stitches."

"What?" Shepard looked up at her quickly, pulling his gaze away from Ashley's face. "Oh, no. Sorry, doc." He rubbed the back of his neck nervously. The motion wasn't missed by the doctor.

"What did you do to your hand, Commander?" Chakwas _tsked_ scoldingly, fixing him with a maternal glare. "I swear, you're not happy unless you get hurt along with everyone else."

"What? But I – "

"I won't hear it. Just because Captain Anderson isn't here, doesn't mean I'll put up with those shenanigans." The doctor continued, her eyes boring into his. "And if I hear you bloodied your fist on someone else's _face_, I swear he will be the first I call."

"What! I didn't – "

"Good. Then get comfortable. I'll clean you up once I'm finished with her."

Shepard's eyes were huge as he gaped at the doctor. He was at a complete loss for words. He felt entirely too much like a two-year-old being scolded for throwing another tantrum. Instead, he sat back in bed as she suggested.

"How long will she be out?" He finally asked, feeling a long enough period of time had passed since his chastisement.

"Hmm? Oh, not long. I only gave her a mild sedative and some local analgesics to numb the pain. She should be waking soon." The doctor tied off a final stitch, then covered the wound with a fresh bandage. "There, that's that. Your turn, Commander."

"I really don't think –"

"No. You're leading this mission. We need all of your limbs at full functionality." She really did know how to cut him off. Shepard frowned and held out his hand in defeat.

"It doesn't seem to be broken, thankfully, but you probably bruised the bone well enough." She said unsympathetically as she prodded at his knuckles. He winced. "We'll splint these two together at least overnight to be safe." She began less than gently cleaning off the cuts on his split fist.

His ears perked to a groan from the next bed. "Ugh. Damn." Ashley groaned, her hand coming to her thigh to inspect the damage as she tried to sit up. "Oh, good, I still have it." She murmured, apparently grateful no one had removed her leg while she was out. She started to roll towards the edge of the bed.

"Oh, no you don't. You're not to get up until I'm sure you'll stay off that leg."

"What? But I'm fine…" She trailed off, realizing she wasn't alone with the doctor. "Commander?"

"How are you feeling?" He asked coolly, Chakwas continuing to address his hand.

"I'm fine. Legs messed up, but it doesn't feel too bad." The doctor chose that moment to make him wince again, wrapping his third finger to his pinky. "Were you hurt? I don't remember much after that bug flung it's snot at me."

"No, I'm fine. Just… fell." He said lamely. "You did a hell of a thing today pulling Liara out. Good work."

"Oh, uh. Thanks, Commander." Shepard could swear she was blushing as she looked away. They sat silently for a few moments. Dr. Chakwas finished up with his hand and left with a nod. "Listen, I know you don't like us questioning your decisions, but I need to know. Why did you let that queen go? She's going to be trouble, sir."

Shepard sighed. The soldier really did know how to get straight to the point. "She was an innocent. I couldn't kill her for her potential."

"Her potential is to spawn thousands of acid-spitting megabugs!" Ashley said incredulously.

"Which will be innocent until they choose to kill. I can't start condemning everyone I come across just because they _might_ screw me over in the future. Everyone might. Most do." He sighed, his uninjured hand coming up to pinch his brow. "Believe me, it went against my better judgment to let her go."

"Then why did you?"

"Because I have to believe in forgiveness." The words left him before he realized it.

The woman was silent, her look questioning, but he chose not to enlighten her further. Instead he stood up, taking a few steps towards the door. He stopped, his mouth opening again before he could stop it. "Ashley?"

Her brows shot up as she gaped at his use of her first name.

"I'm glad you're okay." He walked quickly out of the medbay and to his own cabin, dimming the lights and hitting his bed with a thump, not bothering to change into his night clothes. _What the hell, Shepard?_

The woman had looked as surprised as he felt at his show of concern. He didn't act like this around members of his squad. He kept them separate, not close enough to get to him. Not close enough to care about. But she was so… pushy. She questioned every decision he made, dug at him to know the reasoning behind his answers. She didn't bullshit her way through talking to him. She simply said what was on her mind, not giving two shits about what he might think about it. It was infuriating.

And enthralling.

Because he found he needed to know why she did it. Needed to question _her_, find her reasoning. He needed to know where she found her confidence, her strength. She was the only one besides Anderson that would meet his gaze and not look away.

He needed to know why.

Shepard drifted, exhausted, as his mind raced thinking of her and her intolerable, irresistible attitude.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Cassidy was on the ground. Blood poured from her stomach.

"Owen- Owen, oh my god, it _hurts_." She panted. Owen knelt beside her, pressing his hand on her wound.

"Found some runners." A voice grunted nearby.

"Shit, you shot the pretty one." Another guttural tone growled. "Now what am I supposed to do?"

"You can still have her, she'll be warm enough."

Stars flared in Owen's vision as he was hit with rage. He stood over Cassidy protectively, wasting no time as he hoisted the soldier's gun and fired at the approaching figures. One swore loudly and fell, grasping his shin.

"Shit, the little bastard's got a gun!"

"Get the fuck away from us!" Owen snarled. "You're not coming anywhere near her!"

One of them snorted a laugh. "Three on one, little human. And I'd say you're running out of clips."

_Fuck._ The batarian was right. He had fired too fast, wasted too much ammo. He wasn't sure what he had left. They took a few steps forwards. He shot, and missed. _Fuck!_

"Some sharpshooter, this one." A slaver chuckled.

"Stay away!" He snarled again. Cassidy let out a weak whimper behind him. He stepped back towards her. His foot slipped on a growing pool of blood. "Stay with me, Cass. We're going to get out of here." He took a deep breath, and shot again. This time, a batarian crumpled, a hole through his neck.

"Damn, Burek… Boss isn't going to be happy about that." One of the others grumbled, not sounding all too disappointed by his companion's death. He started to back off, and Owen pulled the trigger again. Nothing happened. "Seems like you're out of luck, little human."

_No! _"Cass, come on, we have to run!" Owen cried, turning around. Her blue eyes were closed. Blood had soaked into her blonde hair, turning the ends a rusty brown. "No…" _Not like this. We're going to get out of here. I'm going to get you out of here. _"Cass, come on!" He shook the girl, kneeling beside her. He heard footsteps approaching. "Cass, please…" Tears welled in his eyes.

Something came down hard on his head, and his vision went black.

When he awoke, his hands and feet were bound. At least a hundred other colonists surrounded him, similarly tied up. He pulled at his ties and they cut into his wrists. _This isn't happening. This can't happen. I'm going to get out of here._

Owen looked up, searching the crowd. Batarians wandered the outskirts, discussing something, weaving into the mass of humans occasionally to sort one or two into different groups. Bodies were piled in the distance as they were outside the barn. The smell of burning flesh was thick in the air.

"Owen?" A familiar deep voice sounded to his left. He spun around. "Oh, Owen, thank God…" His father's green eyes met his. "I thought they had you."

"Dad?" Owen's eyes grew wide. "Oh Dad, they killed her. They killed Cassidy. We tried to find all of you…" He choked back a sob, looking away. His father had scooted towards him awkwardly, the two then leaning against each other to stay seated up right. He rolled his head back to touch his son's in support.

"I know." He murmured simply. "I know. It'll be alright, son. We'll figure out a way out of this." His father's deep voice was reassuring. Owen nodded against him.

"Where's Mom? And Bryce?" He asked quietly. The lack of their presence foreboded badly.

"They…" The man's voice cracked, and he cleared his throat. Owen had never heard his father cry. "They didn't make it. The monsters took Bryce to us to come quietly." He stopped, his back tensing against Owen's. "They're gone." _They killed them anyways._

Owen felt the tears well up again, but he shook them away. He had to try to be strong, like his father. They would figure it all out once they got out of here. "I…" His voice squeaked out weakly, and he took a breath. "I think I was able to get a message out to the Alliance. We got into the outpost and found a soldier there. He…" Another breath. "He was dead, but I was able to send a message off from his omni-tool."

"Good. That's good news." There was pride in his father's voice. "That was smart thinking, Owen. I'm proud of you."

Owen said nothing, but leaned back against his father again. The man was sturdy, unbreakable. Everything was easier with him there. "I'm sorry I wasn't there today, Dad…" He choked. "I should have been there to help you."

"No, that wasn't your fault, Owen. Don't think any of this is your fault." The man said seriously. "These bastards are the only ones to blame. And if the Alliance gets your message, they'll get what's coming to them." It was dark around them. The only light flickered from the pyre. Owen felt the adrenaline draining from his body. He was exhausted.

"What are they doing, Dad?" He asked quietly, watching in horror as a group of terrified children was herded out.

"They keep sorting people." Owen looked around, realizing his father was right. They were in a group of men. The women were grouped a little ways away. He couldn't see any children. "I don't know what they do with those kids." His father growled, disgusted.

He realized with a start there were no elderly people. Everyone was middle-aged or younger. "They only want young people?"

"They only want healthy people. They've murdered a few people who were sick, too." His father said sadly. They sat in silence for a moment.

"How are we going to make it out, Dad? There's so many…" Owen trailed off, eyes grazing over the patrolling slavers.

"We'll find a way. Look for an opening. We'll have to work on our binds, maybe find something we can use as a weapon…" His father's voice trailed off. "But we need to be careful. No stupid risks. We'll get out of here, Owen, don't worry. No matter what, the Alliance won't stand for one of their colonies being hit. They'll come for us." His father tensed against him.

Owen tried to look over his shoulder as his father went silent. He heard footsteps approaching. A batarian was staring down at his father, his father no doubt glaring right back.

"What about this one?"

"No, implants won't take. He's too old."

"Too bad, looks strong." A grunt was the only reply.

The two slavers began walking past before one stopped. "And him?"

They approached Owen, sizing the teenager up. One narrowed his four eyes appraisingly.

"He'll do. Looks like he'll be big too. Load him up." A grunt, and a batarian hand was reaching for him. His father snarled.

"_No!_ Don't touch him, you fucking monster!" The man struggled against his binds behind him. The batarians partner moved towards Owen's father quickly. "You can't have him! You son of a bitch, that's my _boy_! Get away from him!"

Owen struggled as he was hoisted up. "Dad! Shit, Dad, what do I do?" He cried helplessly, trying to flail out at his captor.

"I'll get you back, Owen! I promise, I'll find you!"

A boot kicked his father's face. The batarian standing over him pulled out his gun. His father looked up, his anger not fading. "Fuck you." He spat up at the slaver, mouth bloody. Owen managed to wiggle out of the batarian's grasp, but simply fell forward on his stomach. He looked into his father's green eyes.

A shot fired, and the light left them.


	8. Chapter 8

Shepard was sitting silently in the co-pilot's chair again, staring out at space. The nightmares were getting worse again, more vivid. He knew it was just the stress. Even before Noveria, days of pouring over information on Saren and the geth had his brain filled to bursting. And now, he had the location of a relay that would send him to fuck knows where and no way of knowing when and why Saren intended to use it. He closed his eyes, taking a deep breath, trying to clear his head once more.

"So, any time you want to thank me for pulling you out of a volcano and a zero-visibility blizzard, go ahead." Joker chirped interrupting his thoughts.

"What?" Shepard looked over at the pilot, his voice a little harsher than he meant it to be.

"I'm just saying, a man saves your ass, generally a little show of gratitude is appreciated." Joker continued, glancing at the Spectre with an arched brow.

Shepard sighed, running a hand through his hair. "Sorry, Joker." He smirked. "I just figured someone who talks so much about being the best pilot in the Alliance wouldn't need it."

"Yeah, well, sometimes a man's got to feel appreciated." The pilot grumbled, eyes twinkling.

"You saved our asses, Joker. Again. Do it a few more times, I'll think about getting you that medal."

"Oh, great. Thanks. Really considerate of you."

Shepard chuckled. "Take some shore leave when we get to the Citadel. You deserve it. We'll be docked a full day at least for resupply."

"Hell yes. I'm showing Kaidan how a real man drinks!" Joker looked over at the commander. "You should come! Bring the crew, it'll be a party!"

Shepard gave Joker a doubtful glance. "I don't know…"

"Come on, Commander. You've been looking like you've got your stick shoved up almost as far as Garrus lately." Shepard frowned at the pilot's colorful language. "You need to let loose!"

"Fine. But we're not going to Chora's Den. And I can't stay long." There was a disappointed groan from the pilot.

"Ruin all the fun, why don't you." Joker grumbled, but stopped as a new idea sparked in his mind. His eyes lit up mischievously. "You know, you should ask Williams. I bet she'd go."

Shepard glanced at him, confused. "Yeah, I was going to. Why wouldn't I? I mean, her leg's still messed up, but she should be fine on crutches. I mean, only if the doc okays it. But she seemed good yesterday, I don't see why she couldn't…" He mumbled, shrugging. "Anyway, Alenko follows her like a puppy. He would bring her."

"Shit. That's the longest answer I've ever gotten from you." Joker's grin was huge and full of laughter. "Really, Shepard? You're going to act that clueless?"

The Spectre rolled his eyes. "What are you talking about?"

"Oh, no. I'm not ruining it now. This shit is going to be fun to watch." Shepard glared at the pilot, frowning.

With an exasperated sigh, Shepard stood. "Let me know when we're an hour out." With that, he stood and activated the intercom. "This is Commander Shepard speaking. Twenty-four hours shore leave will be granted to all non-essential personnel post-docking on the Citadel." There was a definite _whoop_ in the background. "Shepard out."

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Shepard changed into his civvies, toweling off wet hair and cautiously glancing in the mirror. _Shit, Anderson would have a cow if he saw you._ His hand ran over the thickening beard developing on his jawline. Reaching for his trimmer, he cut it down quickly, leaving only a fine stubble. Satisfied he looked only relatively grungy, he combed back his hair and walked out, clad in the simple black t-shirt and black jeans that were all he owned outside of his uniform.

"What happened to your face?" Tali warbled, her voice concerned. Shepard stared at her. The quarian sat across from Garrus in the mess, her voice full of innocence as the turian's mandibles flared in a grin. He gave a rumbling laugh.

"My face? What's wrong with it?" Shepard frowned, reaching up to touch it. Last time he looked, it was normal.

Garrus leaned over the table to lay his head in his hands, mirth filling him. "You lost your…beards? The hair you humans grow on your face." She said, raising a finger to point at his chin.

"Beard. And I didn't lose it, I just shaved it down a little. It'll be back in a few days if I let it." Shepard sighed, rubbing his hand on the back of his neck.

"Oh, alright." She said simply, apparently satisfied knowing he hadn't been mysteriously injured.

"So, Shepard." Garrus was grinning at him. "Who's the lucky woman who's got you ruining your face?"

"Oh, shut up." The commander rolled his eyes. "Joker wants to get everyone together for drinks while we're on shore leave. You two coming?"

Tali simply held up a straw-like instrument triumphantly in reply. Garrus snorted at her, then nodded.

"Good. Let Wrex and Liara know they're invited." He looked up, hearing the door to the medbay swish open. Alenko strode out quietly, a smile on his face. Shepard fought the irritation that edged into him. _Maybe he was just visiting Liara._ He frowned. _Why the fuck does it matter?_

"Alenko, coming for drinks?"

"What?" The lieutenant's eyes opened wide in surprise, his smile fading. He looked as if he'd been caught cheating on a test. "Uh, yeah. Yes, sir."

"Good." His nodded simply, then walked towards the medbay, hearing the heavy exhale of someone letting out a held breath behind him.

The doors opened at his approach, and Ashley's voice greeted him.

"Damn it, Scuttlebutt- " Ashley looked up from the hand mirror she was leaning over. Her hair was down again. "Oh, Shepard…I mean, Commander. Need something, sir?"

Shepard smirked. "Scuttlebutt?"

"Alenko. The man's a damn gossip. Figured the name fit." The woman shrugged, swinging her legs off the bed.

The commander resisted the urge to ask what exactly the man gossiped about. "How are you feeling?"

"Good. Doc says I'm okay to walk, as long as I don't put too much weight on it." She smiled. He felt himself smile back.

"Good." He said, somewhat stupidly. "Listen." He paused, a hand rubbing the back of his neck. "Joker wanted to get everyone together to grab some drinks. If you're feeling up to it…"

"Damn right, I am." Ashley's bravado was infectious. Shepard grinned. "I may not be able to dance, but this leg won't stop me from drinking your ass under the table."

"We'll see about that, Williams." The Spectre laughed. "Don't come crying to me when you need someone to carry you princess-style again after a third shot of tequila."

"Oh, you did not – "

"See you later." Shepard waved over his shoulder with a chuckle.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Shepard leaned casually against the wall outside of Flux as he waited for the others to arrive. Garrus and Tali waited inside with Joker, the pilot having arrived a little while before after taking a cab to avoid walking far on crippled legs.

"Shepard."

"Wrex."

"Why are you standing out here instead of drinking in there?" The krogan questioned in his usual growling voice. "If you're looking to escort me, I'm not going to be your date." A throaty chuckle.

Shepard grinned, and shook his head. "Just waiting for everyone to get here."

"Uh huh. Next time, I pick the bar. No more of this club crap." Wrex rumbled grouchily, shoving past him to get inside.

Alenko arrived a short while later, walking beside Liara. The asari looked hesitant. She had been more reclusive since Noveria, but as they passed him she offered a smile to the commander. The lieutenant nodded to him with a small, careful grin, and he replied in kind. As they walked in, he hesitated. Ashley should be here by now. He had assumed she would arrive with Alenko. Maybe she had decided not to come? He frowned and let go of a sigh, running a hand through his hair. An awkward clunking caught his attention, and he turned to face what was making the noise.

Ashley hobbled forward on a crutch, keeping the weight off her bad leg, her face a mix of frustration and determination. He couldn't help but smile. He saw her spot him, her eyes finding their way to his. She smiled back. And then he saw her.

His eyes trailed their way down from the lightly applied mascara around her eyes and her long hair hanging freely past her shoulders, over the plain black tank and jeans, to her feet, clad in combat boots. It was all simple, unassuming, but it fit her – it was confident. No bullshit. And it really did _fit_ her too. The man sucked in a breath as he saw the way the clothes hugged her, showing him a glimpse of what their baggy, unisex uniforms hid. The low cut of that top…

"A gentleman would offer his arm to a limping lady, you know." Ashley's brows were furrowed accusingly as she interrupted his thoughts, but a smirk played on her lips.

Shepard cleared his throat. _Shit. Get it together, Shepard. _But her teasing tone brought a smile to his lips. "I never took you for a damsel in distress." He smirked. "Besides, you were really getting that hobbling thing down. I wouldn't want to ruin it." He eyed her crutch amusedly, and she gaped at him.

"Gimp jokes?" She scoffed. "Really, Shepard?" He was awarded with a playful swat to his chest. The Spectre grinned widely. "Now you're buying drinks tonight."

"Come on, everyone's inside." He laughed, waiting for her to go before him as the door opened. She rolled her eyes and limped forward.

"Commander Shepard?" A voice came over his comm, and Shepard paused, smiling to Ashley in apology for the interruption and holding up a few fingers to his ear.

"Shepard speaking."

"Sorry to bother you, sir. This is Lieutenant Girard. We have a situation on the docking bay, sir." The man's voice was nervous, hesitant. "There's a woman here. She… she was rescued from batarian slavers a few weeks ago. She was taken from Mindoir… in the raid on your town." Lieutenant Girard said carefully, waiting.

Shepard was silent. His face loss all trace of mirth. What was he supposed to say to that? He closed his eyes, taking a few steps to distance himself from Ashley and the club. _Why now? Why does this come back for me now?_

"What do you need, Lieutenant?"

"She managed to grab one of my guy's guns and escape. Now she's holed up here in the docking bay. She, uh… she says she wants to die."

Shepard's stomach turned over. He felt weaker than he had any right to.

When he made no reply, Lieutenant Girard continued. "I hoped you would talk to her. You went through the same thing. The raid. I figured maybe you could talk her out of her tree."

_I can't possibly know what else she went through._ Shepard clenched his fists. _Everything I saw was only the beginning._ He pushed back a resurgence of memories, trying to fight down the bile he tasted every time he thought of those fucking slavers. "I'm on my way." He murmured, defeated.

He turned around to find Ashley's eyes on him. Concern was etched on her features. "What happened?" She asked directly, in her usual no-bullshit way.

"I have to go take care of something." Shepard's voice was weaker than he meant it to be. He sighed as he saw the disappointment on her face, a hand coming to rest on her hip. "I'm sorry. I'll meet you all back on the Normandy." He fell back into his usual commanding tone, though didn't meet the woman's eyes.

"Shepard, I'm coming with. You look like you've seen a ghost. And if it's got you on edge, you might need backup."

"No." His answer was instant. She looked stricken. "I mean… Shit, I just need to do this alone." He watched her frown, hurt. But he couldn't put this on her. He had to deal with it himself. "I'll see you later." He said simply, decision made. He left her alone in front of Flux.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

His trip to the docking bay was a blur. His head was pounding with tension, trying with everything he had to stay in the present.

_There was shit everywhere. At first, Owen, like the other colonists, had tried to hold on to his last shred of dignity. He had refused to relieve himself, refused to give in to the slavers' will. The others begged to be let out to use a bathroom so they could sleep somewhere that didn't smell like urine. The more friendly batarians had simply laughed, or spit in their faces. Usually they were just dragged out and beaten. _

_They were filthy, disgusting animals, the slavers informed them. Animals shit in their cages._

Shepard blinked as the elevator opened to his destination, shaking himself out of it again. _Fuck, not this again._ "Lieutenant Girard?" He called out, noticing a squad of soldiers ahead.

"Commander Shepard. Glad to see you, sir."

"Where is she?"

"Behind those shipping containers. I've got a sniper positioned, but I don't think we'll need him. She's only a danger to herself." Girard pointed to a few piled boxes in the distance. Shepard nodded. "We've got a sedative to calm her down, but we can't get close to her. Every step we take gets her more wound up."

"Give me the sedative." Shepard held out his hand. The lieutenant nodded.

"Just talk to her. If she seems like she's going to shoot, don't push her. I'm willing to wait her out." Girard added quickly as the Spectre began to turn away. Shepard simply nodded again.

He walked slowly towards the containers, rounding the corner with dread as he looked down at the small woman. Her eyes were wide, darting back and forth like a cornered animal looking for a way out. He tried to recall her face, place it with the names he remembered, but she looked younger than him. The gun she held shook feverishly. Shepard stopped a few paces from her, giving her room.

"S-stop! _What are you?!_" She shouted at him. He didn't move, and waited a moment to think how to best answer this.

"My name is Owen." He said quietly, in the calmest voice he could muster. "What's your name?" He doubted she had a name anymore.

"Animals don't get _names_." She hissed. "The masters put their symbols on her. Hot metal all over her back. She screams when they do it."

_They had started taking the others. Owen watched as they fought to stay in their cages, skin and bone robed in rags. Those brought out were collared and dragged to the batarian ship. They came back branded, the blood from their new marks leaving stains on the back of their shifts. And their eyes… their eyes were empty. And they obeyed. They all obeyed their masters now._

_Owen shook. Cold and hungry and desperate. He wasn't sure how much time had passed since they all died._

_He had to get out._

"You're not an animal." He said slowly. She looked confused at this. "Can you think back, remember your parents? I know it's hard, but you had a name once too."

"She remembers a lot of things…" The girl mumbled, her gun beginning to lower. "Parents… Talitha. They call her that. She… she doesn't remember the rest." An eerie whine rose in her throat. "_Leave her alone._"

"I'm glad to meet you, Talitha." Shepard said, offering a half-smile. "I thought I was an animal once, too. But the masters lied." The girl frowned, disbelieving. "I grew up on Mindoir, Talitha. I was there during the raid."

"_Lying!_" She spat, her eyes growing huge. "You get hit for lying! Get the buzz or the burning. Can't be there." She shook her head wildly. "Why are _you _alive? Why are you not like her?!" Her voice broke. "Broken. Only fit to dig and carry…"

_He was shaken awake. His whole cage rattled._

"_Get up, filth." One of them grunted. Owen tensed, looking around. It was his turn, he knew it. They were going to change him. Adrenaline pulsed in his veins, fueling an instinct for survival. They wouldn't get him. He was forgetting why it mattered, but he knew he couldn't let them have him. A snarl ripped from his throat as a hand reached in to pull him out by his hair._

_He twisted and thrashed, weak muscles finding fire in desperation. "Stop struggling, or I'll shoot you now." It grunted, rewarding him with a quick knee to the gut. Owen felt his breath leave him. He was weak and hungry. And filthy. Like an animal._

His throat tightened. "I was, Talitha. For a long time. They killed my family, my friends. I was caged, too." The woman looked at him through narrowed eyes, trying to weigh the truth of his words. "But I was lucky."

"You were there. For the fires and the smoke and the smell of burning meat." Shepard took a deep breath, nodding. "She tried to play dead. If she's dead, they won't see her. But they know. They put her in a pen. She didn't fight. She was already broken when they put the wires in her." Her voice was sad. "You lose your mommy and daddy. But you don't dig…" She murmured, watching him curiously. "You don't carry. You stand up." Her voice was weak again. "She wishes she could stand up…"

_The master dragged him down the line of cages. He was numb now. He had no way out. He had no one to go to if he did. The others were all being dragged out of there cage now as well, loaded up. He didn't think of what might come as they approached the batarian vessel. Animals didn't think._

_One of the others was crying nearby. Someone was always crying. He looked towards the child, penned up with another of the young ones. He hadn't been taken yet. He looked like he was the same age as his brother._

_He had a brother._

_The child sobbed, backed in a far corner. His face was covered with his hands. That was when he noticed the other boy lay dead. The slaver dragging him stopped and look at the sobbing boy, shouting something obscene and threatening the child to be silent. It didn't stop sobbing._

_The batarian removed his weapon from its holster and fired a few quick shots into the boy's abdomen._

_Owen felt anger surge through him. Something primal hit him as he watched the boy collapse. No. He wouldn't let them be his master. He ripped himself from the batarian, feeling his hair pull from his scalp as he freed himself from the slaver's grip. He wouldn't let them take him. They didn't get to have his sanity too._

_An arm reached out to grasp the batarian's still drawn weapon. He took it, pointed it at the slaver's face, and pulled the trigger._

_Then he ran._

Shepard watched the woman as she shifted from foot to foot, still shaking. "I escaped them Talitha. You did to." He said quietly. "How did you get here? Do you remember?"

"She can't escape. They have chains. Wires. Needles. They take your brains." She said, shaking her head. "Animals like her come. Animals like you. Animals with guns. They make the masters explode." She eyed him suspiciously. "She tries to fix the masters. So they won't be mad at her. She puts all the reds and purples back in, but they don't move. The other animals take her." Tears were in her eyes. Shepard felt the bile rise in his throat.

_Owen didn't know where he was going. He wasn't thinking that far ahead. He was still waiting for them to come after him, to feel a bullet hit him, to feel their whips on his back again. He ran as the shots sounded farther and farther behind him, only stopping when exhaustion wouldn't allow him to run further. He tripped over rubble, and stumbled into someone's abandoned home. He collapsed against the door. He was so tired._

"You were afraid, Talitha. They were all you knew, but the masters hurt you. You're free now. You're not an animal anymore." Shepard didn't know if she was too far gone. It had been thirteen years. Thirteen years of being nothing.

"She doesn't want to see the other animals." Talitha said desperately, shutting her eyes. "They aren't real. They can't be real. They can't see her." She muttered wildly, shaking again. "If the animals see her, then this is real. This can't be real. The wires. The chains. The hitting. This doesn't happen to her. It's another girl. A filthy girl. A stupid girl. She deserves it!" A sob racked the woman. "I-it happens to her, doesn't it? They see her… its real. She doesn't want it to be real."

_There were voices outside. He crawled to the windows, seeing figures approaching, weapons drawn. He got up and bolted into one of the back rooms. He struggled against a dresser, pushing it against the door. Then he waited, watching. The slaver's gun was shaking in his hand as he pointed it at the door._

"_I know I saw someone run in here, sir."_

"_Give it a sweep. We'll check the other buildings. It looks like the bastards got away with the last of them, though." Footsteps followed a heavy sigh. Owen waited. His grip on the gun strengthened._

_There was a rattle as someone tried to open the door. "Hello? Is someone in there?"_

_Owen didn't answer. The voice wasn't guttural like the slavers'._

"_I'm with the Alliance. We're here to help." A firm push, and the dresser creaked against the floor._

"_Stay the fuck out!" Owen barked. He backed away from the door, searching the room for any other way out. The voice had to be lying. The Alliance wouldn't come now, after it was all gone._

"Talitha, you were only a child. You didn't deserve anything that's happened to you. No one blames you for wishing it would go away." Shepard said quietly. "We all wished it would go away."

"_I'm not here to hurt you." It said calmly. Another push, and the opening widened. A helmeted figure stepped in slowly, hands up. "Whoa, there. Can you put that gun down? I just want to talk."_

"_Get away from me! You can't take me!" He shouted again, backing into the wall. He was trapped again. He couldn't be trapped again. _

"She wants to believe that. She wants to believe nothing would change." She murmured, looking down. "She doesn't want to be there anymore. In the pen. In the cage. Lying quiet while they do things to her."

"You don't have to be there anymore, Talitha. You're free now. They can't hurt you anymore." He watched her sadly. "I'm going to take a step towards you now, okay?" Shepard took a tentative step forward.

_He squeezed the trigger. He missed, burning a hole in the dresser._

"_Hey!" The voice shouted in surprise, jumping away. He held up his hands again. "I'm not here to take you. I just want to help you." His hands reached up to his helmet, removing it to reveal his face. A human face. _

_Owen trembled, unsure. Could it really be over? This was how it ended? "No…" He murmured, watching the man's face. He couldn't start to hope again. They died when he tried to hope._

"_Are you the only one in here?" _

"_I'm alone." His voice was empty, his mind still trying to comprehend the man's existence. "They took everyone. They caged us." He continued, eyes staring at the man. "They killed Cass, and Bryce, and Mom. And Dad." His eyes were suddenly stinging, but there wasn't enough water left in him to make tears. His knees were week. "I couldn't save them. Any of them." He choked out._

"No!" Talitha screamed. "She's no good! She's filthy! Don't want to be handled again!"

"I won't touch you." Shepard promised. "I just want to help. I'm taking another step, alright?"

"She doesn't want…" Her voice was weaker. "Please don't touch her. She's dirty. You'll catch it."

_The man stepped forward, his eyes misty. His hand had lifted, as if unsure if he should reach out to comfort the boy in front of him._

"_I didn't want to be an animal anymore." Owen murmured, sliding down the wall._

"_You're not an animal, child." The man murmured soothingly, crouching beside him. "What's your name?"_

_He stared into the man's eyes. They were full of compassion, light. It felt like he hadn't seen light in days. "Owen. Owen Shepard." _

"_Owen." The man said simply, nodding. Hearing his name filled him with hope. The man offered his hand to Owen. "My name's David. David Anderson. Now, let's get you out of here."_

Shepard stepped forward again. "Talitha, I can give you medicine that will make you fall asleep." He held out the sedative in an open palm. "If you take it, they'll bring you to a place where you can get better. It will be okay there, Talitha. You don't need to be scared anymore."

She watched him carefully, contemplating. "It hurts. When she…when _I_ remember me. But she wants to remember." She glanced down at his hand, "…will I have bad dreams?" She asked, reaching out to take the pill.

"You'll dream of a warm place. And when you wake up, you'll be in it." Shepard replied, unsure how to answer. The dreams didn't go away. At least they hadn't for him. But he couldn't tell her that. Talitha nodded, swallowing the pill. A few moments later she fell, limp, into his arms. He held the woman against him. "You're safe now…" He murmured weakly.


	9. Chapter 9

Ashley limped into the club, deciding now more than ever she needed a drink. She had stared after Shepard when he left her standing there, alone, in front of Flux.

She was sure the man had been flirting with her. He acted so much different with her than the others. Playful, young. Even when the others on the squad did get him to joke back, his replies were short. But he goaded her on, asked her questions, checked up on her. Alenko told her the man had hardly left her bedside after Noveria. And last night, when he invited her out for drinks, he was almost… nervous?

The soldier had never thought to see this side of Commander Shepard: N7 marine, survivor of Akuze and the first human Spectre. It was such a sharp contrast to his usual cold exterior, to the front he had used with her just then – when he ordered her to stay put, all lightness leaving his green eyes. Ashley spotted the group of Normandy crew at a table nearby, drinks firmly in their hands as Joker gestured widely about something, laughter roaring from his companions. She let the sound wash over her. Screw him, if he wanted to be a dick, he could. It meant nothing to her.

"Ashley! About fucking time!" Joker yelled, obviously already inebriated. "Come on, sit here," He nudged Kaidan and the man frowned, scooting over. "Us cripples gotta stick together!"

Ashley laughed, and squeezed in between the two. Kaidan was giving her an appraising look, a question in his eyes, but he had the sense not to ask then. "So, who's buying me a drink?" She grinned, though looked only at the biotic.

He let out a long-suffering sigh. "Fine. I'll be right back." He got up to head to the bar.

She looked over to the rest of the table, nodding to their alien companions. She had come to get use to their company, even grudgingly starting to like Tali. The girl was too genuinely friendly not to. She reminded Ashley of her little sister. Garrus she could respect because of his skill, if nothing else. The krogan gave her as much distance as she did him, something she appreciated due to the sheer size of the beast. And despite his brutishness, he didn't beat around the bush when asked his opinion.

Wrex returned her nod, then returned his scrutiny towards Liara. The asari was nervously swirling a straw in her drink. "Drink it." She looked up at the krogan, startled. His voice was low and growling, as usual, but Ashley swore there was some gentleness in it. "It's good."

Liara took a tentative sip. "Yes, it is. Thank you, Wrex." She smiled at the krogan, and Wrex beamed back at her with a toothy grin. _I don't want to know._

"Hi, Ashley. I'm glad you came!" Tali said sweetly. Ashley smiled and nodded. Garrus sat beside her, drinking something oddly green and eyeing the soldier quizzically.

"Hey, Williams." The turian said with a nod. "Shepard didn't come in with you?"

"The Commander's not coming." Ashley said with a shrug. Joker spat out his drink.

"What! That asshole told me he was." Joker cried indignantly. He eyed her suspiciously. "What did you say?"

"What? Why would I have anything to do with it?" She scoffed, flinging her hair off a shoulder. "He got a call and said he had something he needed to take care of, then left."

"No backup?" The turian asked, more curious than accusing, as if trying to riddle the scene out.

Ashley sighed with frustration. "I offered. He said he needed to go alone." Kaidan arrived with her drink. She took it gratefully, gulping down a large portion.

"Geez." The lieutenant muttered, watching her drink. "What happened?" He asked, turning to the rest of them.

"Commander's not coming. Apparently off on some super-secret Spectre business or something." Joker grumbled, eyes still fixed on Ashley. The soldier glared back at his scrutiny. "He just left you? Looking like _that?_" The pilot gestured pointedly towards her outfit, and Ashley awarded him with a punch to the shoulder. "Ow! Watch the arm!"

"He just left. Now, can we move on?" Ashley drawled. Though the pilot had a point. She looked damn good, she had made a point to. And she knew Shepard had noticed from the way he had practically drooled when he first saw her. The soldier knew she shouldn't be trying anything – he was her Commander, after all, and fraternization was against Alliance regs. But damn, he was hot. And it wasn't like that rule was never broken. Not that she meant to, the Williams name couldn't take another hit to its reputation. But still… she sighed wistfully, then shook herself out of it.

"So, how can you tell when a turian is out of ammo?" Joker grinned, and Garrus snorted.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

He was lost. But he didn't care. Green eyes stared, blank, at the lights of skycars driving above him in the lower wards. He wasn't sure how he got there. He wasn't sure where to go. A bottle of whiskey was clasped firmly in his hand and he stared, trying to focus on the lights. Trying to focus on anything but the bile in his throat and the phantom stench of shit and rot and burning flesh that haunted his nostrils.

People of every species walked by him, giving him a wide berth. He was tense, all rigid muscle, bound tight and ready to snap. He took another swig, trying to drown the feeling. The helplessness. It had been a while since he'd tried to calm it this way, but it always worked in the past. At least, if he drank enough he could black out and not dream. A voice in his head told him he should be back on the ship, that he had work to do, that lives were depending on him to get the fuck off his ass and find Saren. And then he felt helpless again. Another swig, and he stood, abandoning his post against the wall of some shoddy bar.

He walked surprisingly steady for how blurry his vision was becoming. He'd find a cab, get back to the Normandy. He could pass out there, maybe ask the doc for some of those sleeping pills again. Those usually dulled it. His heartbeat was racing. It had been racing since he handed Talitha back over to Lieutenant Girard.

He left her again. He left them all. Left them all behind in the filth to lift and carry and _obey_. Fists clenched. Another swig.

Someone shouted, a pleading cry. Shepard felt his throat tighten. He closed his eyes. _It's not real. It's not now. Stop fucking around._

But then it happened again. He looked around, spotting an alley. He walked into it.

"This is all you have?" A man spat. "What a waste of fucking time. I don't know why we bother scoping the wards, all we catch is more broke rats." He delivered a blow to a crumpled man's stomach with his boot. He whimpered.

"Wait, there's someone coming." The thug's companion muttered, looking up at Shepard. The Spectre's fist clenched around his bottle.

"The idiot's drunk. He probably spent what he had on that bottle." The thug spat at the ground. "_Filthy_ fucking street rats. Shake him down."

Shepard's vision was already black when they came forward.

He was vaguely aware of the crack of bone under his fist, of the sharp blade that gouged his side. His hand popped and split again, ruining the doctor's work from the day before. But it didn't matter. The pain wasn't there. Only the anger. Something hard hit his face, but he lashed right back at it. The rage always saved him. It got rid of the helplessness. It got rid of the memories. There was only anger, pounding blood and racing heart. The adrenaline filled him, woke him. Healed him.

When his heart slowed, the stench was gone from his nose. All he tasted was blood and whiskey. He looked at his hands, beaten bloody, then to the ground. He took in the two unconscious men, their faces cracked and swollen. _Shit._ He lost control again. He glanced at their victim, the man staring back at him wide-eyed.

"Oh, wow." The man said, standing up. "You really beat them up. I mean, you totally kicked their ass! Wow!" He said lamely. He gave Shepard a worshipping look. "Wait, I know you! You're Commander Shepard! _The_ Commander Shepard! The Hero of Eden Prime!"

Shepard frowned, his hand rubbing the back of his neck as he tried to back away.

"I'm Conrad, Conrad Verner! I'm your biggest fan!" The blonde man shouted, thrusting out his hand to shake. Shepard reluctantly accepted, fighting a wince as the man clasped down. _Think I broke it this time._ "They say you single-handedly killed more than a hundred geth on Eden Prime, and seeing that, I believe it! Wow!"

"Yeah, well, they say a lot of things. Look, I have to go…"

"Wait! I know you must be super busy, being a Spectre and all, but do you think I could have your autograph?"

"…on what?"

"Oh, here!" Conrad produced a picture of Shepard from his pocket. _Why the fuck does this guy carry around a picture of me?_

"Uh, yeah, okay." He scribbled his name hastily, they proceeded to turn around. _This fucking day._

"Oh, wow, thanks! My wife will be so impressed!" _Wife?! _"Listen, let me buy you a drink. They broke that bottle of yours on you, it's the least I can do!"

Shepard glanced at his ribs, the pain beginning to hit him. _Fuck, that hurts._ "Yeah, I don't think that's going to happen."

"Oh, right. You're very busy, I get it. Another time! I'll see you around, Shepard!" Conrad called after him, waving excitedly.


	10. Chapter 10

The Normandy was, thankfully, quiet when he got back. A few crewman worked idly at their stations, glancing up as their commander passed through the CIC. Their eyes widened as they took in the state of the man, and they looked quickly back to their work. Shepard said nothing, striding down the stairs and into his cabin, avoiding any interaction with Pressly as his XO's face lit up with alarm. There was still time left before they left the Citadel. He needed a shower, and sleep.

He peeled his shirt off tenderly, wincing as it slid over the gouge on his ribs. His hand throbbed. His face throbbed. His head was still fuzzy with the effects of too much whiskey. He stripped off the rest of his clothes and stepped into the shower. The water fell over him, scalding and stinging, and he relished in the feeling. He stood there for a while, his mind blissfully empty. _What a shit fucking day._

He toweled off and slipped on a shirt and boxers before sliding into his bed. He knew he was bleeding on his sheets, but in his current mental state he found it hard to care. Everything was blurry – the heady combination of stress, exhaustion, and alcohol making it difficult to focus the lights. He was too tired to feel his usual anxiety before falling asleep. His vision began to darken, and a dreamless sleep enveloped him.

When he awoke, it was to a pounding headache. He groaned. _Shit._ He brought his hand up to cover his eyes and block out the artificial lights he must have left on through the night, but stopped as a sharp pain shot through it. _Double shit. _His hand was swollen and brusied. He tried unsuccessfully to bend his last two fingers. Bending to get up, he winced again. Bloody sheets and the lash in his side told him the previous day's events had, indeed, been real.

The commander stood, trying to ignore his body's protests. A glance in his mirror revealed an angry black eye. _Real fucking nice, Shepard._ He ran his good hand through his hair, then went to try to struggle into some casuals. With a quick message to Pressly, relieving him of duty, Shepard sat at his desk and crudely splinted his worst fingers before picking up a datapad to run over some of the night's reports. He was going to avoid seeing Chakwas as long as he could.

Sometime later, his seclusion was interrupted by a knock at his door. His brow furrowed. _Who the hell?_ He had sent out take-off orders, plotted their destination, and issued the usual shift commands. There was nothing that required his attention. He sighed.

"Come in."

The door opened, and Garrus stepped through cautiously, mandibles drooping as his eyes fell on the commander. "Thought so." The turian muttered, sitting down in a chair across from Shepard.

"What do you need, Garrus?" Shepard fell back into the command routine. He didn't have the energy for more. Garrus' mandibles fluttered before continuing.

"I got a call last night from an old buddy at C-Sec." The turian watched him in true cop fashion – cool and appraising, watching for any tells. "Said some guy was raving about how he kicked some thugs' asses down in the Wards with Commander Shepard."

_Fucking Conrad._ "I wouldn't know anything about that." Shepard murmured, glancing back at his datapad.

"Right. He probably just broke the jaws of two guys alone, without getting a scratch." Garrus droned. "The blonde goatee and autographed picture gave him away as a badass."

_Damn. Forgot about that. _He sighed. "He was being mugged. I couldn't just let it happen." _Now I almost wish I did._

Garrus quirked a brow curiously. "So you ditched us to go serve some vigilante justice?"

A hand came up through his hair. "No. I just was in the area. I had…things to do."

"Real descriptive, Shepard. You do realize when you disappear and come back looking like this, people are going to ask questions, right?" Garrus frowned, his mandibles drooping once more.

_It's none of their damn business._ "I don't want to talk about it, Garrus." His voice left no room for debate.

The turian raised his talons in surrender. "You don't have to, not to me. All I'm trying to say is hiding in here, shutting out everyone else – we've noticed." Shepard frowned at his assessment. "I get what you did. Those guys deserved it. But from what I heard, you were pretty far gone when you went looking for trouble. I know you have some skeletons in your closet, and how you deal with them is your business. But whatever it is that got you in that state isn't something you should handle alone."

He glared at the turian, his green eyes narrowing critically. "You can stop investigating me anytime, Detective Vakarian."

The turian didn't flinch. He simply chuckled. "Sorry, Shepard. Old habits die hard." He moved to stand.

"Aren't turians generally more respectful towards their commanders?" Shepard asked as Garrus moved towards the door.

The ex-cop laughed, mandibles flaring in a grin. "Dad always said I was a terrible turian. I'll see you later. I need to realign the Mako before you crash into something again on our next drop." He said, shaking his head disapprovingly and exiting Shepard's cabin.

The commander watched him go, still frowning. He wasn't used to that kind of talk from anyone but Anderson. That he had been so careless and unprofessional a member of his crew had to talk to him about it was a problem. He couldn't keep doing it. Not when so much was at stake. He sighed, sending a final message in reply to Admiral Kahoku about missing marines, and stood up. Gently, he touched the cut in his side. Blood had soaked through his shirt again. Mustering up his courage, he left his cabin to head to the medbay.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Chakwas had been furious. She had taken care of his wounds none to gently with stiches, splints, and globs of medigel, all the while chastising him for his indecent treatment of his own body. Her voice had risen enough to make Liara curious, peaking in curiously and widening her eyes at the shirtless, beaten Shepard. The commander had simply sighed, taking it in silence as one doctor scolded and the other fussed over his injuries.

That was when Ashley walked in.

"Hey, doc…" And she stared at him. Shepard rubbed the back of his neck, unsure what to make of her scrutiny as he glanced over her shoulder to see her face. It wasn't angry or scolding like Chakwas'. There was none of the near-comical worry Liara was imposing on him. She looked as if she had been stricken, her brown eyes wide as she took him in. Chakwas had stopped her onslaught, giving Shepard back his hand as she glanced up at the soldier. "I'll come back." Ashley finally announced after a moment, beginning to back out.

"No, I'll be finished with him in a moment. Sit down, I'll take a look at how that leg is healing." Chakwas gestured quickly to the empty bed next to Shepard. Ashley looked like she wanted to argue, but looked about as up to the task as Shepard was with the doctor.

"You're sure you're okay, Commander?" Liara questioned him, looking over him once more. "I can't get you anything?"

Why the asari thought she needed to dote on him, he had no idea. He had hardly talked to the girl – a little about her mother before and after Noveria, a quick check-in that she was feeling alright. It was ridiculous. "I'm fine, Liara. Really." He sighed. She sighed, but nodded and gave him a smile before walking back to her room. He rubbed a hand over his scruffy jawline. "Can I put my shirt on now?" He pleaded, looking up to Chakwas who was applying a last few dabs of medigel to a cut on his cheek.

"Fine, fine. The gash should heal well enough with the medigel, despite your determination to get an infection from leaving it open and dirty overnight." She harped. He was already reaching for his shirt, however, and pulled it on gratefully over his head. The commander dared a glance over at Ashley. Her eyes bored into his, challenging. "Really, Commander. This must stop. You get yourself injured far too often, and too often it's mysteriously outside of combat. No more." Chakwas continued angrily. He didn't look away from Ashley.

"Yes, ma'am." He muttered, pushing to get up as she stepped away. "Thanks."

Chakwas harrumphed and moved over to Ashley. "Alright, off with those." She gestured towards Ashley's pants. "Commander, you'll kindly excuse us."

With that, he was effectively dismissed.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

She was stunned. Shepard sat in front of her, his upper half bare and exposed as the doctor worked on him. What the hell had he gotten himself into last night? He was a mass of cuts and bruises, looking like he stumbled out of a bad bar fight.

Had he? She simply stared. She didn't know what to make of the man, bare back and covered in scars. That wasn't unusual for a marine, but with the number than riddled his body, he had to work for it. Especially due to medigel's uncanny ability to help prevent scarring. That meant he'd gotten them either before he had access to a decent medic, or that he had simply not bothered to go to one. As she listened to Chakwas scold him, she felt it could go either way.

Ashley continued staring. She watched irritably as Liara fawned over him, her hands everywhere before he dismissed her. How the asari involved herself in the situation, she didn't know, but it annoyed her to watch the girl with him. Shepard, however, seemed not to pay attention. The moment the blue woman left, he stared back at her.

His look was questioning, daring her to ask what had happened. And she damn well would. She knew it wasn't her business, but she wanted an explanation from the man as to why one minute he had waited for her outside of Flux and the next left her there. Why he left her there to disappear, and then reemerge looking like this. She stared at his green eyes, trying to riddle out the emotions that coursed through her at the sight of him like this. But before she could think of anything but the pure shock of it, the why and how, he was slipping his shirt back on and standing.

Chakwas demanded something of her pants, but her eyes were still with his. He gave her a fraction of a nod, then left. No questions answered and her riddle unsolved.

"Chief Williams? I need to examine your leg." Chakwas stared at her dubiously, before following her gaze towards the closing door. The doctor rolled her eyes. "The man is undoubtedly a bigger mystery than any of us can hope to solve. Now, pants, please." Ashley obeyed.

"Have you known him long?" Ashley probed, watching as the doctor prodded her.

"As well as you can know him." She commented, sighing. "I've worked with him since he started on the Normandy. Captain Anderson knew him a long time before that, however."

"And I take it he does this often?"

Chakwas scowled. "Not often, but occasionally enough that it's a nuisance. He…" She looked like she wanted to say more, but stopped herself. "I'm afraid his ailments aren't mine to discuss. If you wish to ask him, you're welcome to try. He doesn't communicate nearly as much as he should." She murmured, then stepped back from the soldier. "There, all done. You should be set, Chief. Be sure to avoid projectile toxins in the future."

Ashley gave the doctor a questioning look, but decided to let it go. She stepped into her pants. "Will do, ma'am. Thanks." She said with a smile. The woman was good at her job. With a wave, she left the medbay to head back to her station. She fought the idea of barging into Shepard's cabin and demanding answers. _What the hell is your problem, Williams. He's your commanding officer. Get him out of your head and do your job; he'll do what he wants._

Her mind was filled with this mantra on the absurdly long elevator ride to the hangar. Getting back to work would do her some good. Staying up all night with the freak squad was fun, but she had spent half her time looking at the door, half-expecting him to show up. She felt like an idiot for it. She would figure out some other way to entertain herself on the Normandy – Shepard could no longer be it.

Of course, all efforts towards putting him out of her mind left when she saw him. The elevator doors opened, and he looked from his discussion with Wrex to her. He dismissed the krogan with a nod and the beast gave a rumbling chuckle.

"Ashley, have a minute?" He sounded tired.

"Sure, Commander." _Keep it professional. _She started walking towards her workbench.

She felt his gaze on her back before she heard him follow. "I just…" The man's brow furrowed. The hand that wasn't bandaged ran through his dark hair. He stared at her with intense green eyes. "I wanted to apologize, for last night. I'm sorry I had to leave you like that."

Her face pulled up in surprise. "It was fine, Commander." Her voice was short. She glared back at him stubbornly. "I'm able to take care of myself. Doesn't look like you can say the same, sir." She said, glancing over him again.

"Yeah, well, whiskey will do that to you." He muttered, obviously not planning on elaborating.

"So you ditched us losers to go drink with someone better?" She arched a brow at him, pushing. "Got a lady waiting on the Citadel, sir?"

"No…Wait, what? No." He looked thoroughly taken aback by the question.

"Good to know. So, why did you?" She pushed more.

"Why did I what?" _God, he's dense sometimes._

"Ditch us."

"Oh." Shepard frowned. "I just had to ta-"

"If you say you had to take care of some things, I will give you a matching black eye." She grumbled. His eyes widened in shock. "Sir."

The man sighed, almost visibly tensing. He ran a hand over his scruffy, handsome face. She was momentarily distracted, but got back on task. She crossed her arms expectantly.

"Ashley…" He closed his eyes and took in a breath. "I just…can't. I can't talk about it. I handled it, it's done."

"It looks like it handled you." She didn't let up. She knew she was pushing beyond professional boundaries, but he was obviously hiding something. And from the way his eyes darkened, she had to know. "I'm part of your team. I should have been there to help, but you told me no. I obeyed an order I didn't fully agree with. I'm only asking why, sir."

Shepard turned around to lean over and place his hands on her work bench, fists clenching. "You know, I'm not a big sharer." His voice was a growl.

"Yeah, I've noticed that." She kept her gaze leveled at him. She wasn't going to give up that easy.

The man waited a few moments, then took a deep breath. "There was a girl. Talitha." His voice was distant. His fists clenched harder. "She was a former slave that had been with batarian slavers for about 13 years." There was something dark in his eyes. "She got away from the people that saved her. She was going to kill herself. They called me to talk her down."

"Why you?" She asked, her voice softer.

"That, you're going to have to figure out yourself." Shepard pushed himself back from the table harshly. "Suit up, Williams. We're hitting Feros in three hours." Her commander turned and walked away without a second glance.


	11. Chapter 11

"Commander!"

Alenko's voice was laced with shock. Shepard's hand closed around Ethan Jeong's throat, squeezing none-to-gently at the ExoGeni representative's life. The Spectre ignored the biotic.

"You fucking scum." He spat. "You experiment on a colony of innocent people, let the Thorian control their _minds_, and now you just want to dispose of them because their exposure might cost you a few credits?" His fist slammed into the small man's face. He let him fall to the floor. "Because their lives might cost you the life of some brainwashing monster?" He snarled as his boot came in contact with the man's ribs.

Jeong choked and spluttered, grabbing at his bruised throat while he tried to crawl away. "You can't kill me. The Alliance doesn't kill people without a trial." Shepard bent down, grabbing the man by his shirt.

"You think I fucking care? I'm a Spectre, I'll do what I damn well need to." Another swing, and his fist crunched into Jeong's nose.

"_Commander!" _It was Ashley's voice, firm and with none of the panic Alenko's had. "His men have stood down. He's not a threat."

Shepard dropped him again. He was on fire, his vision tunneled on the beaten man at his feet. "Men like him don't deserve life." He growled lowly. "You're going to tell ExoGeni the geth killed the Thorian. The colonists will not be touched, and ExoGeni will continue funding them. Think of it as a promotional opportunity." His voice was low and menacing, the command in it leaving no room for debate. "Do you understand?"

Jeong looked up at him, bleeding and shivering. He nodded.

Shepard stared down at him a few moments longer. Hate pulsed through him. The coward at his feet was exactly why it wasn't safe for people in space. Why innocents were killed or taken from their homes. His fists clenched as he drew in a breath, then turned away.

His companions eyed him with mixed emotions as he silently strode over to Lizbeth and Juliana Baynham. He accepted the Anti-Thorian gas grenades with a nod from the wide-eyed women, and went straight for the Mako. He climbed in the car quickly, the others following suit, still watching him as if he were going to explode. Wrex clambered into the passenger's seat next to him, the only one out of his squad who seemed completely unaffected by the events.

"Shepard."

"Wrex."

"Probably would've been easier to kill him."

Shepard sighed, starting the engine and throwing the vehicle through the facility. Not for the first time, he found himself agreeing with the krogan. He offered the krogan a grunt and a nod. Wrex seemed to understand. Shepard gunned his way down the damaged bridge connecting Zhu's Hope to the ExoGeni facility, rolling over the occasional geth. _Those colonists better be alive, or I'm going back to give that asshole something to think about._

Garrus fired a cannon shot at a Colossus standing in their way, seemingly reading Shepard's intentions as he gunned it for the machine. "Can't run that thing over, boss." The turian drawled. _At least he doesn't seem upset. _"We tried it, remember?"

"It worked." Shepard retorted grumpily, skirting around the remains. "I just had to back over it a few times." He heard Garrus let out a heavy sigh, no doubt murmuring something about the state of the Mako's undercarriage. Shepard pulled a sharp stop as they approached the entrance to the Zhu's Hope garage. "Alright, pile out."

The squad did as they were told. Shepard eyed a few odd-looking corpses outside the garage door, before moving to the controls to open it. "The safety of the colonists takes priority." He glanced back at his crew. "We'll use Baynham's countermeasure to knock out as many as we can. Watch your scope. I don't want any of them dead unless they leave you absolutely no other choice."

They nodded back at him, seeming still a little weary but happy with his directions. _These damn grenades better work._ His eyes were pulled to movement from one of the corpses nearby. He pulled his pistol quickly as the thing stood, green slime dripping from it. Its twisted features may have once been human, but that hadn't been for a long time. The mutant let out an eerie groan and stumbled towards him. It smelled toxic. A single shot to the head, and it fell. He saw his squad following suit with other corpses that had apparently decided to wake up as well.

"Those things are fair game." Shepard concluded, eyes filled with disgust.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Colonists littered the ground, unconscious but thankfully alive. The only casuality had been Fai Dan, the leader shooting himself rather than allowing the Thorian further control over him. Shepard sighed as he looked down at the man, then gestured for the team to move out. He led them through the newly opened tunnel to the complex under the colony. The putrid stench of decay hit them as the descended further, passing fleshy pustules growing from the wall. The commander watched as Ashley took an inquisitive step towards one, prodding it with the butt of her shotgun.

Something inside it prodded back. The soldier swore, jumping back. Wrex gave a throaty chuckle.

_What the fuck kind of plant is this?_ The creepers were bad enough, with their moaning and dripping and generally disgusting being, but this… The Spectre's brow furrowed as he tried to contemplate exactly what this thing could be. The group continued on, their caution increased as they passed by the pustules and tendrils, until finally reaching the main chamber.

"It will be interesting to discover what this Thorian is. It sounds truly fascinating." Liara murmured beside Shepard. He glanced at her darkly, not sure when she had come up beside him. _Fascinating is not the word I would use._

Stepping through the archway, Shepard stopped short.

"Holy fucking shit." Shepard muttered quietly, staring at the thing before him. "Who the hell decided that that thing was a plant?"

"That…" Liara came up beside him again. "That is… disturbing." A visible shudder ran over the asari.

"I don't suppose we could simply ask it to stop?" Garrus murmured from behind him.

Shepard looked back at the turian, raising a brow before glancing towards Ashley and Alenko. The biotic was gaping up at the creature, clearly thinking that the situation was going to be a bit problematic. Ashley looked back at him, waiting, ready for a plan. An odd squelching noise brought his attention away from Ashely and back to the Thorian and his eyes narrowed. _Of course it pukes out green asari. Nothing else would make sense._

The slime covered woman stepped forward, her eyes eerily empty as she spoke. "Invaders! Your every step is a transgression. A thousand feelers appraise you as meant, good only to dig or decompose." Shepard clenched his fists, suddenly sure it wasn't the asari he was speaking to. "I speak for the Old Growth, as I did for Saren. You are within and before the Thorian." _Saren? He was here! _"It commands you be in awe!"

Shepard glared back at the green woman. The stench coming off of her and the Thorian hit the pit of his stomach. "Tell me what you told Saren." He ordered simply, not seeking a discussion.

"Saren sought knowledge of those who are gone. The Old Growth listened to flesh for the first time in the Long Cycle. Trades were made." Her voice droned, lifeless. "Then cold ones began killing the flesh that would tend the next cycle. Flesh fairly given!"

"It wasn't your flesh to give!" Shepard spat, his eyes moving to focus his gaze on the Thorian. "The colonists are not your _slaves._ Release them, now."

"The Old Growth sees the air you push as lies!" The asari continued. "No more will the Thorian listen to those that scurry. Your lives are short, but have gone on too long." Biotic light danced across her skin and the moan of dozens of creepers filled the hall around them. Shepard wasted no time in pulling out his rifle. Ashley mimicked him, hoisting her shotgun and blasting the asari quickly.

"That's a pretty far drop." The commander observed, scoping a creeper and taking it out with a shot. "We need to take out those tendrils holding it up. Hopefully, that will be enough to crush the thing."

"Hopefully, Shepard?" Garrus drawled, pulling a similar shot with his rifle before casting the Spectre a glance.

"Forgive me if I'm not up to date on the intricacies of Thorian killing, asshole." Shepard grumbled. He was rewarded with a chuckle. "Alright, let's move. Wrex, Williams, take point. We come across a tendril, blow it to shit." The simple command seemed to take as the group moved up the spiraling hall, creepers funneling down the walkways towards them. The squad took out the simple creatures with precision – dual blasts of Wrex and Ashley's shotguns taking out those who got past the line him and Garrus were forming farther out. Kaiden and Liara sent the occasional biotic blast, creating bursts of singularities and warps that tore the creepers apart.

Only when they came upon the pustules did they start to slow. Clones of the green asari were birthed from them, tearing at the group with biotics. As soon as they took one down, another would burst from its sack. The moan of the creepers began to sound from all sides. "Garrus, Wrex, watch our rear!" Shepard ordered quickly, before firing at a tendril on the wall nearby. Thin ropes of it snapped off, but most still remained embedded in the wall. "Ashley! A little help, here." He turned his rifle to the encroaching enemies. The soldier tore the tendril off with a few shots of her shotgun.

The clones and creepers continued to push them. Shepard noticed Garrus stagger as he was hit by one of the clone's warp. Wrex quickly dispatched the asari and pull the turian up roughly to drag him back to the group. "Liara, lay out a singularity, cover them!" He approached another tendril with Ashley, his back to hers as she unloaded on it. It snapped. The crew carried on up the ramp, running and gunning their way through, taking down another tendril, then another. The Thorian was letting out sickening cries, squealing with each shot they dealt its roots.

Finally they neared one of its final grasps, the tired squad guarding all sides as more and more creepers surrounded them. Shepard quickly shot the skull of a creeper that had climbed up onto Alenko's back. The biotic nodded at him before lifting a few more into his scope. Ashley was firing her shotgun again, and suddenly the Thorian was screaming. One tendril snapped, and the other tore from the wall, unable to support the weight of the massive plant alone. Then it was falling.

In a moment of inspiration, Shepard ran to the ledge and tossed a few grenades down after it. The monstrous bulb was hit with explosions before fell to the bottom with an echoing splatter. The creepers around them fell in heaps, the mindless masses now without control. Shepard reached up to his face, wiping away some green, chunky goo that had splattered from the Thorian explosion. _Fucking nasty._

"I think you killed it." Garrus came up to look down the shaft beside him, mandibles flickering in amusement.

"Great use of those observation skills there, buddy." Shepard rolled his eyes, then turned around as there was a splatter of liquid hitting the floor. His pistol came up quickly as another clone slid out. He moved to pull the trigger, but the woman's eyes stopped him. There was life in them. She wasn't being controlled.

"I'm free…" The asari murmured, meeting his gaze. "I'm free." Her words disarmed him. Shepard began to lower his weapon. "Thank you. Thank you for releasing me."

"Who are you?" Shepard questioned cautiously, watching the woman. "Can you tell if you're under the Thorian's control?"

"I am fine. Or I will be, in time. The Thorian no longer has control over me." She said quietly. "My name is Shiala. I serve- served Matriarch Benezia. When she allied herself with Saren, so did I."

Shepard's eyes narrowed. "You're Saren's ally?"

The woman shook her head. "Benezia foresaw the influence Saren would have. She joined him with the hope of guiding him down a gentler path. But Saren… he's compelling. Benezia lost herself, lost her way."

Beside him, Liara's breath hitched. He shot her a worried look. _Shit, she doesn't need this now._ His eyes went back to Shiala. "We found Benezia. We know he's able to…indoctrinate his followers." Shepard confirmed.

"The strength of his influence is troubling." Shiala said, nodding with a frown.

"Do you have any idea how he does it?" His voice was low and serious, studying the asari before him. Her eyes were regretful. "Asari matriarchs are powerful, as I understand it. I can't believe it would have been easy to control her."

Shiala shook her head. "Saren has a vessel." _We saw it on Eden Prime. I thought my head was going to split open with the sound. _"He calls it Sovereign. It can dominate the minds of his followers. They become indoctrinated to Saren's will. The process is subtle – it can take days, weeks – but it always works. It is absolute." _Just what we need, another mind control method. _Shiala continued, "I was a willing slave when Saren brought me to this world. He needed my biotics to communicate with the Thorian, to learn its secrets." She frowned, glancing to the floor. "He traded me. I was sacrificed to secure an alliance between him and the Thorian."

Shepard simply nodded. The woman knew her mistake in allying herself with the rogue Spectre, and being bound inside a slimy tumor had to serve as some punishment.

"He was quick not only to betray me, but the Thorian as well." Shiala said finally, meeting Shepard's gaze. "Once he left, he ordered the geth to destroy all evidence of its existence. Saren knows of you. He knows you're searching for the Conduit." _Of course he does._ "He knows you are following him. He attempted to attack the Thorian so you would not gain the Cipher."

"The Cipher? What is that?" The commander asked quickly, brow furrowing.

"Eden Prime's beacon gave you visions. But they are unclear, confusing, yes? They were meant for a Prothean mind." Shepard nodded, following her words. "You must think like a Prothean to be able to comprehend them. Their culture, history, their very existence – you must understand it all."

"And this Cipher will allow me to do that?" The visions from the beacon still haunted him. The screeching cry and glimpses of death. Any more understanding would help enormously in their mission.

"Yes. The Thorian has been here for a long time, long before the Protheans built this city. It watched and studied them. When they died, it consumed them. They became a part of it. The Cipher is their very essence." Shiala explained.

"Saren has this Cipher?"

Shiala nodded. "When I melded with the Thorian, I gained the Prothean's ancestral memory. I transferred this knowledge from my mind to Saren's."

"Then I need you to give it to me too." Shepard said simply. Liara gazed at him, eyes wide.

Shiala nodded, not debating. "Calm your thoughts. Slow, deep breaths. Let go of your physical shell. Reach out to grasp the threads that bind us, one to another." She stepped towards the commander slowly. "Every action sends ripples across the galaxy. Every idea must touch another mind to live. Each emotion must mark another's spirit." Shepard's eyes were locked with the asari. He felt something pulling at his consciousness, tugging at his mind to be allowed entrance. He felt himself tense. "We are all connected. Every living being united in a single, glorious existence. Open yourself to the universe. Embrace eternity!" The eyes staring at him were black, and then there was fire.

_Screaming. People fleeing burning cities. Works of machine and flesh. Wires laced through tissue. Screaming and screeching and then a deafening roar as it went farther, but closer. Over the fires of many suns and closer to it. A planet._

_And Sovereign._

Shepard jolted back to his senses, his mind splitting as he pushed against his connection with the asari. His breathing was ragged, eyes wide and searching as Shiala stared back at him fearfully.

"Shepard…" Ashley spoke up, taking a step towards him. "Commander, are you okay?" She cast a threatening glance at Shiala. Shepard nodded.

"I have given you the Cipher, just as it was given to Saren. It is a part of you now." Shiala murmured, watching him.

"A knowledge bond can be traumatic. Are you alright, Shepard?" Liara asked, obviously not wishing to take his initial word for it. "We should get you back to the ship so Dr. Chakwas can monitor you."

"I'm fine." He muttered simply to his companion, the asari frowning. He turned back to Shiala. "I saw…the vision wasn't as scattered, but I still can't make complete sense of it."

"You have been given the experience of an entire people. It will take time for your mind to process it." _Great. Time is just what I have plentiful amounts of. _"I'm sorry I can't do more. But the Cipher will help you understand, and help you find Saren."

"And what about you?" Shepard asked wearily, watching her. She seemed remorseful, but he didn't know if he could overlook her working with a man who so blatantly disregarded the effects of his actions, and whose goal at the moment seemed to be the outright destruction of humanity.

"If you allow it, I would like to stay here. The colonists have suffered greatly, and I would like to offer my assistance. I would like to make amends for my actions here."

Shepard watched her for a moment. For once, there was little input from his squad. The asari seemed genuine in her wish, and she was right to believe the colonists would need help getting back on their feet. "Fine." The Spectre said with a nod. "They need your help. But these people are under my protection. If I hear they've been hurt, I'm coming for you."

"Thank you." Shiala said with a smile. "May fortune smile upon you."

Shepard nodded, and turned to his crew. "Come on, let's get out of here." _I need a goddamn shower._


	12. Chapter 12

"You can't be serious. He said he's fine, let's stop with the mind melding for today." Ashley spat. She glared at the asari, and Shepard stared at her, shocked. _What's gotten into her?_ Liara gaped at the human woman, totally at a loss for words.

"She's right, Ashley. If she can help make sense of the vision, we need to try." He reasoned. The soldier simply rolled her eyes and sat back.

Liara waited for a moment, nervous to continue, then stood. Shepard joined her. Her blue eyes met his.

"Relax, Shepard. Embrace eternity." Something pulled and pushed again, stretching him. Liara's eyes were bottomless.

He shook himself as the sound faded from his ears, trying to rid the vision from his mind. He shot out his hand to catch Liara as she stumbled back. "You okay?" He asked, watching the asari struggle to stand steady. She gave a weak nod.

"That was incredible! All this time…my research…but I never dreamed! Oh, it was so _vivid_." She gushed, her eyes wide with wonder and shock. Shepard stared blankly back. _Is she serious? Get to the goddamn point._ "I never imagined the experience would be so…intense." Her eyes looked to his, serious and somewhat frightened. "You truly are remarkably strong-willed commander." _You've mentioned. _"What you've seen…" Her voice trailed, her nerve wavering. "What you've been through… It would have destroyed a lesser mind."

_Exactly what did you see from our little sharing session?_ Shepard watched her wearily, not savoring the thought that she may have picked up on more than the vision. The idea was invasive. Apparently, Ashley was just as uncomfortable.

"Come on, get to the point." Her words mimicked his thoughts. "What did it tell you about the vision?"

"The beacon must have been badly damaged. Large parts of the vision are missing. The data transferred into the Commander's mind is incomplete." Liara answered quickly, not daring to meet the intensity in Ashley's gaze.

"So there was nothing?" Shepard growled in frustration, a hand coming up to run through his hair. Something wet and sticky stuck to it. _Oh great, Thorian hair gel._

"I can interpret some data from your vision, but there are missing pieces that I need to understand it. Another beacon may have transferred them to someone else's mind." Liara said ponderously. "Saren's mind. If we can get to Saren, we can recover the rest of the vision from him and finally make some sense of – woah." The asari gasped, and the commander watched, exasperated, as she stumbled. He caught her and steadied her. "I- I'm sorry, I'm afraid the joining has taken more out of me than I thought. It is exhausting. I should go lie down in the medical bay for a moment." Her hand raised to her forehead in true fainting fashion.

_You have got to be kidding me. _"This was supposed to help us find Saren." Shepard sighed, but nodded to the asari. "Go lie down. Make sure the doc has a look at you. Good job today." He murmured, half in his head as the asari nodded and smiled at him before leaving. "Alright. Any ideas on where we find the bastard, bring them to me. For now, you're dismissed." They stood and walked out, but not before he noticed Ashley send a glowering look over her shoulder. At this point, he wasn't even sure what it could be for.

"Feros report away. Want me to patch in the Council, bossman?"

"Do it, Joker." _Deep breaths._

_xxxxxxxxxxxx_

"Goddamn fucking doucheburgers," Shepard growled, coming up to stand behind Joker.

"Wow Commander, such language! And doucheburgers, Shepard?" Joker craned his neck back at the commander. "Really?"

"Seemed to fit." He muttered, still shaking. "Set a course for Edolus."

"Will do." Joker chirped, his face then scrunching up in disgust. "Now go hit something. You're good at that when you're mad. Then shower. You smell like a moldy bag of spinach."

"Thanks for that." Shepard sighed, rolling his eyes and heading to the stairs. The shower was going to come first. He was covered in goo and dirt and blood from the normal scratches associated with heavy combat. Joker cast him a lazy salute as the commander turned and walked out of the cockpit. He glided quickly through the CIC and down the stairs to his cabin, only nodding to his crew and trying to ignore the way they looked around for the smell as he passed. He stripped down as soon as his door closed and stepped into the shower, delighting in the feel of the grime being washed away.

He dried off and threw on some gym clothes a short while later, having every intention of procrastinating on his mission reports in favor of working out what remained of his tension literally. He felt better, a little looser from the warm water, but his mind still throbbed from being pushed into by the two asari, from the deafening sounds of the beacon's vision. He rolled his neck slowly once he boarded the elevator, a heavy breath leaving him as he exhaled. He descended, only realizing he had closed his eyes when he heard rather than saw the doors open. For some reason, the first place he looked was to Ashley – the woman was seated in from of a vidscreen, probably on a call, wearing her casuals and looking relaxed. He heard her laugh, and something in him relaxed with her.

He stopped himself from staring and strode purposefully across the hangar to the gym equipment, glancing at the punching bag longingly but opting for some weights. Chakwas probably wouldn't like him swinging his fist around while it was technically still healing. _Shit. Jeong. That fucking parasite._ He made a mental note to do some checking and see what he could do to make sure those colonists got back on their feet without further harassment from their sponsoring company. He glanced down at his hand, noticing the swelling vanished, leaving only slight bruising in its wake. _Wonders of medigel._ Still, he wasn't anxious to tell the doctor of his rough treatment of the ExoGeni rep. She would doubtless have words for him. He opted for some weights, just in case, and sat back on the bench to do some lifting.

The burning in his muscles and monotony of the movements calmed him, and he felt his mind clear. It felt good, his worries and fears and anger briefly set aside. A hand came through his hair, the compulsion soothing him further, and he glanced up to find Garrus heading his way.

"You do realize you've been running around in heavy armor all day, right?" The turian mused as he approached, surveying the commander.

Shepard smirked. "You go and get soft if you want to. It'll make kicking your ass that much easier."

Garrus barked a laugh. "Is that a challenge, Shepard? I'll have you know I was top-ranked in hand-to-hand." He grinned with wide mandibles. "And turian sparring is nothing like the swatting and stumbling you humans do."

"Oh, it's on. As soon as I know Chakwas isn't going to torture me for fighting with a bad hand, you're going down." Shepard's eyes grinned back at the turian.

"Take all the time you need to get ready. I'd hate to beat the glorious Commander Shepard too easily." Garrus chuckled, and Shepard rolled his eyes. "I actually wanted to ask you something, if you're done proving you can lift heavy objects."

The Spectre snorted. "Sure, what's up?"

"What happened with Ethan Jeong, the ExoGeni man..." Garrus stopped, studying Shepard shrewdly. "You were going to kill him, weren't you?"

Shepard shrugged coolly, sobering, reaching down to grab a towel and wipe the sweat from his face. "That's what my first intention was. He deserved it, and he was threatening those colonists and slowing our progress towards completing the mission."

Garrus nodded, staying silent for a few moments as he seemed to contemplate this. "My father doesn't like Spectres, you know." He murmured, glancing back to Shepard. "Says they have too much power, and too little supervision. No one controls them. It's dangerous."

Shepard nodded slowly. "He's right, in a sense."

"Is he? Do you think that?" Garrus questioned, a brow plate quirking. His voice wasn't challenging, nothing in his manner remotely accusing of the commander. Only curiosity, intrigue, was in the turian's grey-blue eyes. "It's dangerous, yes. Saren is an example of that. But the rules and restrictions can be dangerous too. They can keep us from doing our jobs." The turian sighed. "All the red tape in C-Sec prevented me from protecting people just as often as it helped me. Some of it may be necessary, but how can we save people if we're hindered by our own system?"

"Sometimes you have to do whatever is necessary." Shepard murmured, looking up at Garrus. The turian looked conflicted, but he nodded.

"I understand what you did with Jeong, Shepard." He said, mandibles twitching. "He did deserve it. The man was willing to murder his own people to protect a company secret. But why did you stop? ExoGeni could still take advantage of the colonists. Why should they be allowed to still have a presence there?"

Shepard's brow furrowed, not sure how to answer the question. Why had he stopped? He definitely hadn't begun to feel any sort of remorse for the man. He had wanted nothing more than to make sure Jeong couldn't be any further threat to those people. But that was it. Ashley had said he wasn't. She stopped him. He glanced towards the soldier, still on a vidcall with another woman. "The colony needs ExoGeni. Without them, they won't be funded. They won't be fed." He murmured. "It's too far out for the Alliance to provide regular support, even if the colonists would even take it. Not everyone trusts them." His thoughts were dark. He exhaled and continued. "Jeong won't be a threat, now that he knows he's on our radar. With the Thorian gone, they've lost their pet project. They're no longer dangerous to the colonists. And I wasn't just being a dick, ExoGeni could still stand to profit from being seemingly philanthropic. They could easily be subsidized by the Alliance, or given funding to further other projects." He growled. "Its bullshit, but hopefully it'll help the colonists."

Garrus followed his gaze towards Ashley, then looked back to Shepard, mandibles fluttering curiously. "Well, I respect you're willing to do what it takes to get things done." Shepard looked back to the turian, finding his gaze studying him once again. _What is he looking for?_ "I think we'll need that to take down Saren. He isn't afraid to fight dirty, and we shouldn't be either."

Shepard nodded sullenly. "We'll catch him, Garrus. Don't worry about that." The rogue was a monster, with what appeared to be a complete disinterest in how his actions were affecting innocent lives. First Eden Prime, with the slaughter of colonists, soldiers, and Nihlus. Then Noveria, and all those scientists in the hot labs. Now, Feros. He was prepared to take down an entire colony to prevent Shepard from getting the Cipher. _Is that what I am? Am I that ruthless? _"We will get it done, but we won't stoop to his level. We're out here fighting for those who can't defend themselves. I'm not about to forget about them." His eyes stared at his hands.

"And when we find Saren?"

"Saren is a traitor, a murderer, and is trying to bring back a race of machines who want nothing more than our total annihilation." Shepard's green eyes came back up to Garrus. "When we find Saren, he's dead."

The turian nodded. "Good. He's too dangerous to be allowed to wriggle his way out of custody through the limits of Citadel laws." His voice was hard, his eyes dark. After a moment, his mandibles clicked resolutely. "Alright, good talk, boss. Let me know when doc says you can come out and play. I'll show you what hand-to-hand really looks like." He grinned, and Shepard mimicked the gesture, about to reply when he was cut short by a girlish voice.

"Oh, and sis? Before I go, you said you're serving with Commander Shepard? He's _cute_!" Shepard's brows shot up, stunned and amused. The woman speaking on the vid giggled. "Later, sis!"

Ashley spun around and gawked, red-faced, at Shepard and his turian companion. Shepard, for his part, had the grace to look away, pretending he hadn't heard a thing. Garrus, however, barked out a laugh, before seeing Ashley's expression and covering it with a casual cough.

"Oh, god." Ashley sighed, and Shepard stood up, kicking a tittering Garrus and walking towards the soldier. He smirked and she rolled her eyes. "Tell me you didn't hear that."

"Afraid I did." Shepard grinned at her, and she groaned.

"Shoot me now." The woman grumbled, though an amused smile teased at her lips. Her hand came up to cover her face as she leaned back against her desk. "That was Sarah, one of my sisters. She's never really gotten the hang of shutting that big mouth of hers." She risked a glance through her fingers at the commander. He was still grinning childishly, arms crossed as he watched her embarrassment. Ashley glared back at him, smile vanishing. "Surprised to see you down here, Shepard. Figured you would be getting checked out by T'Soni."

The bitterness in her tone confused him. _What? What does Liara have to do with anything?_ "Huh?" His ineloquent response slipped from his mouth before he could stop himself.

"I saw how you two were attached at the hip down there. Kaidan had mentioned something about her being interested, but I didn't figure her for your type. Guess it makes sense though." Her voice was cold, cutting. _What the hell is she talking about? _"She's not really part of the Alliance, so there are no rules about fraternization. And at least an asari _looks_ like a woman."

Shepard's eyes widened as he gaped at her. "Wait." He stepped towards her, his voice lowering. "You think I'm _interested_ in Liara?"

Ashley glared at him. "I get it, a man has his needs. But I'd appreciate if you kept it a little more subtle in front of the rest of us, _sir._ The whole brain-bonding thing is a little much for public." Her voice dripped with contempt.

"Ashley." Shepard spoke sharply, enduring to make his voice calm. "Liara is the farthest from anything I'd ever be interested in." He said slowly, green eyes searching her brown. "She might be over a hundred, but she's a child." Ashley's brows raised. "And I may be a man, but any 'needs' I have come second to my mission. Even if I did see her as anything but my subordinate, I'm not about to start something with someone who's already emotionally fragile. This job has too many risks."

"She's been all over you." Ashley said firmly, her stubbornness obviously not allowing her to back down just yet. "And you don't exactly discourage it."

"I haven't noticed it, Ash." He sighed, and she glanced at him in surprise at the use of the nickname. "If I see it happening, I'll be sure to inform her it's not wanted. She's not the one that interests me." _Shit._ Ashley's mouth opened fractionally, and Shepard cursed himself for being such a dumbass. _I don't even know what I meant by that. _"I mean…" He attempted to backtrack, a hand rubbing the back of his neck anxiously. "So, Sarah's just one of your sisters?" Ashley had an all-to-knowing smile on her face. "How big of a family do you have?"

Thankfully, Ashley seemed to forget her anger over the asari's advances. "Yeah, three sisters. I'm the oldest, then there's Abby, Lynn, and Sarah." She said fondly, her eyes regaining her usual warmth. "They're great. Major pains in my ass, but great." Her smile was infectious. Shepard found himself grinning back at her. "With Dad gone on duty so much, I had to help Mom out raising them a lot. We're all pretty close."

"You mentioned your dad served before. Where at?" Shepard asked, leaning beside her against her desk.

"Any crap assignment he could take that offered space time." She shrugged, her voice a little bitter. "He worked his ass off to get recognized, but he never made it above serviceman third class…" She shook her head, and Shepard frowned. She looked at him, and smiled a little weakly. "He was real proud when I made chief. First thing he did was salute." Her voice was wistful as she smiled at the commander.

"Your mother wasn't enlisted though?"

"Nope, military wife, through and through. She's strong, the strongest woman I know. She gave up her career, everything so she could raise us while Dad was away." She said fondly, the admiration clear in her tone.

"Grow up on Earth then?"

"A little. We transferred all over, wherever Dad was commanded. You know how it is." She shrugged. "Guess that's part of why I'm so close to my sisters, too. We were all each other had." She smirked suddenly, shaking her head. "Here I am rambling on about myself though. What about you? What's your family like? Military brat too?"

Shepard froze, his breath stopping. _Fuck. _He loosened his fists and forced himself to exhale, trying to take steady breaths. After his little fuck up on the Citadel, the last thing he wanted to discuss was his family. Ashley watched his reaction and stilled, concern edging its way onto her face as she parted her lips to speak. He stopped her. "I don't have a family. They're gone." He said simply, trying to keep his voice smooth. "I grew up on Mindoir. Slavers raided the colony."

Her eyes were wide and regretful. "Oh, shit. I'm sorry, Shepard… I read something about that, but I didn't put two-and-two together. Crap." The soldier's eyes widened further. "So that woman you were called to help, the slave, she was…?" He nodded. "_Crap_. I'm sorry, Shepard. I shouldn't have pushed you on that…" She looked at a loss, and he held his hand up.

"Don't worry about it, Ash. It's in the past. I'm dealing with it." There wasn't much energy behind his words, the sincerity of them questionable. Dealing with things had never been his strong suit. "Really, there's no reason you would have known." She nodded sadly. _I don't want your pity._ Shepard sighed, a hand running through his hair. A few moments past in silence, and she edged closer to him.

"Your crew is your family now, right?" She said quietly, trying to catch his gaze. He stared back at her in surprise. "I get it. I mean, the way you check in on everyone, get to know us all, you spend more time with your subordinates than other commanders I've had. And you'd think by the look on your face when one of us gets hit that you're about to have a coronary."

Shepard blinked, struck speechless. Obviously, he was easier to read than he thought. Ashley laughed then, seeing his stunned look. "Oh, come on. I might be a little rough with words sometimes – "

"There was that conversation where you commented on my needs as a man being understandable as long as they were directed at things that _looked_ like a woman."

She slapped his arm. "Shut up." He laughed a little, the action cathartic. It was easy around her. "I'm just saying, you might not say a lot to everyone, but it's easy to see you care. We're your family now."

He nodded, offering a small smile. "Guess you are." He said quietly. He looked over at her, green eyes meeting brown. She was close, watching him with intensity. He suddenly became a little too aware of his arm brushing against hers. Her eyes didn't back down, just stared right back at him. _Stubborn as always._ He started to move, but a hand came around his wrist as he pushed himself from the desk.

"Shepard." She said quietly. His skin crawled with the feeling of her hand still lingering on his arm and the way she said his name. "I just wanted to say thank you, for what you did for those colonists. Saving them I mean. I thought after the way you handed it to Jeong, you might not care about more than getting the job done. But I get it. You were just trying to protect them. You went out of the way to save them. It's good to know you'll still look after your own, even as a Spectre."

"Ash, I'm not just trying to look after my own." Shepard frowned. "I didn't help them just because they were human. They were innocent people. They didn't deserve what happened to them. I would have done the same for a turian colony, or elcor." He watched her quietly, and she watched back. Her hand slipped from his arm. "Someday, I'm going to get the real reason why you hate aliens so much out of you." He said, smirking then. She rolled her eyes. "But for now, I need to sleep." He started away, then stopped, looking back. "Ash, about my family… I try not to keep that public knowledge. It usually gets out anyway, but do me a favor and don't spread it around? I'm not big on oversharing."

"Of course, Shepard." Ashley smiled. "Scuttlebutt's the gossip, remember? I wouldn't dream of it." Shepard laughed and walked towards the elevator.


	13. Chapter 13

"Why do you have to drive, Shepard?" Ashley glared at the man. He was impossible. "We had a vote. No one thinks you should be allowed to."

Her commander grinned brightly, hoisting himself up into the driver's seat. "Too bad this isn't a democracy, then." She rolled her eyes at him and he chuckled. He seemed… lighter. Ashley couldn't help herself. She smiled back. "Besides, we've never _really_ crashed. You always return in one piece."

"The same cannot be said for the Mako, Shepard." Garrus grumbled beside her. She glanced at him. Her distrust of the turian was waning, but she still couldn't quite get to the point of liking him. She didn't understand him. He didn't seem like the other birds, but that could easily be an act to get Shepard to trust him. By the way the Spectre grinned at his comment, obviously he already did.

"What else would you have to do if you didn't get to work on our baby?" He patted the steering wheel affectionately. "You all just need to enjoy the thrill. Now come on, it's time to launch." Groans from her and Garrus responded to his command, but they piled into the Mako. Ashley took the passenger seat next to Shepard, Garrus the gun. She glanced at the commander, grinning like a kid with his toy, and latched her hand onto the armrests. He really was impossible. But this was a side of him he usually didn't show, and she was enjoying it too much to complain anymore. She gasped a little, quietly she hoped, as she felt Shepard briefly squeeze her hand. "Relax, Ash. Really, you act like I've asked you to walk in front of a firing line." He chuckled, shaking his head.

"At least then I'd _know_ how I was going to die." She muttered grumpily, but her eyes laughed. "I thought being shot at would be our biggest concern, but with the way you drive, we could roll over, fall into lava, drop off the side of a cliff, blow up." The soldier laughed. "I have to give you points for creativity. I mean, who knew those thrusters were meant for mountain climbing?"

"They aren't!" Garrus shouted from above them. Shepard laughed, then gave them no warning as they lurched forward towards the opening hangar door. Her hands grasped the armrests again. He looked over to her, grinning.

"Come on, Chief. You can't tell me you've never had a rough ride. Enjoy it." She quirked a brow at his choice of words, and he seemed to catch on. The man flushed and quickly looked back out the front window, his expression horrified. Ashley couldn't help but laugh. She was definitely more at ease as they plunged out of the Normandy into the skies of Edolus. "Helmets on." He muttered, still not looking her way

Shepard whooped as they landed, obviously forgetting his embarrassment as he delighted in the fact they had managed to hit narrowly between two walls of a canyon. Joker really did need to work on safer drop points. She glanced out the window to the desert world, sand whipping across its surface as gusts of wind blew around the vehicle. Ashley frowned. It was low visibility, and she couldn't help but think Shepard needed all the visibility he could have for the kinds of maneuvers he pulled. The commander simply glanced down at their radar and throttled forward, however, not slowed in the slightest by the sandstorm outside.

The team roved the surface of the planet, climbing over dunes towards the signal of the distress beacon. From what Shepard had told her at breakfast, Rear Admiral Kahoku had informed him of the missing marines after they left the Citadel. She was glad they were taking the time to do this, despite their main mission. And seeing as they still had no leads on Saren, they might as well be doing something productive rather than butting heads trying to figure out where that damn traitor ran off to. She glanced back into the Mako, the seats usually carrying the rest of the squad empty. The commander had said initial scans hadn't picked up anything hostile, and they'd need the room if they found the missing team.

Ashley glanced at the man, unable to read his expression through his helmet. She was glad it was a small squad today, he seemed more at ease in smaller groups, and it meant that T'Soni wouldn't be coming with. The soldier grimaced at the thought of the blue woman. Liara knew what she was doing, flirting with Shepard and hanging all over him. But she couldn't help but believe the Spectre's insistence that he hadn't known, and that he wasn't interested in her. The man could really be clueless about those things, it seemed. But he had said he was interested in _someone_.

_Jesus, Williams. You're acting like you're in high school. Get your head in the game._

A beep from the Mako's navigation system thankfully helped her in that goal, and soon they rolled up near a spinning, chirping distress beacon. There was an M29 Grizzly nearby – damaged, from what she could see, the hull pretty severely… melted? _What in God's name could melt the hull of a Grizzly?_

Shepard was staring in the direction of the damaged Grizzly as well. He murmured something she couldn't catch. "Come on, let's investigate. Look for any signs of the marines." He commanded, adding quickly, "Weapons out. We don't know what we have here."

They climbed down from the vehicle, the sand whipping against her helmet as soon as she was outside. Shepard was walking towards the Grizzly, Garrus following while surveying the surroundings through the scope of his rifle. The soldier stepped after them slowly, looking towards the beacon. It didn't look familiar. Alliance beacons generally all looked the same, generic and with the Alliance symbol plastered on their hulls. This was different. "Commander? I don't think this is their beacon. Maybe someone else tried to get to them?"

The Spectre glanced back at her. "Maybe. Something doesn't feel right, be on your guard." He approached the Grizzly, his hand coming up to survey the damaged hull. "Oh shit…" He opened the door to the vehicle quickly. "_Fuck._"

"Shepard? What is it?" She felt herself tense at his tone. _What happened to those marines?_ She was answered as she made to walk towards Shepard and Garrus, but caught her foot on something buried in the sand. "Oh God. Shepard, I found the marines." Two bodies lay buried at her feet, the wind buffeting a little of the sand off of them to further reveal the marines. They weren't whole. Their armor had large holes melted into it and through their flesh. "Damn, that's not a good way to go… What happened to them, do you think?"

She looked up in surprise as Shepard was running towards her, Garrus on his heel. "Back in the Mako, now. We need to get out of here."

His tone was low and serious. She started to move towards the vehicle. "Shepard, what's wrong? What happened to them?"

She was distracted from further questioning as she noticed a quake in the sand a little ways off. It rippled and moved, coming closer to the squad. Shepard followed her gaze. "_Fuck._ Ashley, run! Get in the Mako!" Ashley did as she was told, not daring to question him when his voice was like that. She clambered into the passenger seat in time to see something huge erupt from the ground. A huge worm screamed at them, all claws and gaping maw. _A thresher maw. A damn thresher maw. _She looked wildly over to Garrus as he climbed into the driver's seat, revving the engine. There were a few gunshots outside before Shepard followed.

"Drive! Keep it moving, _do not stop._ They're fast. Really fucking fast." Garrus nodded and accelerated forward. Shepard climbed up into the gun and began firing immediately. Ashley couldn't see the maw with Garrus trying hard to leave it behind them, but she felt the ground vibrate beneath them. "Come on, you son of a bitch." Shepard growled above her. There was a loud bang as the cannon fired, and an answering roar from the maw. "That's right, asshole. I've got a little more firepower this time!"

The ground shook again. She assumed the thresher maw had burrowed underground once more, and the feeling was moving forward, in front of them. It reemerged at their head and spit an angry glob of acid at them.

"Shepard, it got our front two tires. We're dragging." Garrus grunted, spinning the wheel to move away from another attack. The thing lunged forward towards them with its gigantic claws. Shepard rewarded it with another cannon shot, and it retreated underground.

"Just keep it moving." Shepard growled back, buffeting the ground with machine gun fire. The maw struck out from the sand again, acid shooting from its mouth and hitting the Mako. "We're doing fine." Ashley could smell it melting through the hull. "Normandy can't extract us with this thing on the surface, it's too dangerous." Another cannon shot. "Fuck you!" Shepard roared.

The thresher screamed back, but she saw as they rounded it again that its hide was now buffeted by the bullets and cannon shots Shepard had inflicted on it. It didn't stop. The commander fired, again and again. It retreated, then reemerged in a different position. Garrus kept driving. The Mako was slowing, alarms going off to notify them of hazardous damage. Smoke was beginning to fill the vehicle.

"Shepard!" She shouted up to him. He fired again. "Shepard, we aren't going to last out here. We need to find somewhere to hide."

"We've almost got it!" He growled back, firing. The maw's scream was weaker. "The minute we get out of here, it'll hit us with that acid. Or drag us under. Or just split us with one of those goddamn claws." Another shot. "I'm not letting you get taken too, Jamie."

"Shepard…?" Ashley stopped her inquiry as the thresher maw let out a final echoing scream. It fell limp into the sand. She forgot his odd comment, choosing instead to look in wonder at the dead maw. Acidic blood leaked from it. "You did it!" She exclaimed happily. Garrus collapsed on the steering wheel.

"Spirits, Shepard. Let's not do that again." The turian panted. She couldn't help but agree. She continued to stare at the dead maw, her heart racing in her chest.

"Holy crap!" She laughed in relief. "That was terrifying. Those things are huge! God, I hope I never have to see one of them again." She exhaled heavily, adrenaline still pulsing through her. "The others aren't going to believe us. I mean, a thresher maw? The things are legendary. Scuttlebutt is going to be so jealous. We killed it!"

"It almost killed us." Garrus did not share her enthusiasm for the impressive. "And it's going to take some serious work to salvage the Mako. We need to get back." _There's the stick Joker's always talking about._

Shepard didn't respond. She heard the gun still swiveling above, searching left and right. "Commander, we good to go?" She listened, hearing only his ragged, uneven breathing. "Shepard? You okay?" The man climbed down, and sat on one of the seats in back. His head drooped, hands grasping onto the seat. He held there a minute, deep breaths filling a heaving chest.

"Joker. Get us out of here."

Ashley watched him. He looked… lost. He was whispering something, but he was too quiet to hear. Something was wrong. She got up from the passenger seat to seat herself across from him in the rear of the Mako. Garrus was flooding the vehicle with omnigel, some of the worst damage repairing itself. The alerts started sounding down. The turian sent a tentative glance back towards them, but it was impossible to tell if he knew more than her. The commander's grasp on the seat tightened.

"Shepard?" She tried to make her voice soft. "Are you okay?" She'd never seen the man react this way to danger. Anger, sometimes. But usually he kept his cool, remained quiet except for the occasional curse at whatever was shooting. This though… This quiet unnerved her. She heard the metal in his armor screech against the seat.

"I'm fine. I just need – " His voice was ragged behind his helmet, his words stopping as the Mako shook. _Normandy must be here._ She looked out the window in front, confirming her suspicions as she saw the ship touch down.

Before she could respond, she felt arms wrap around her and drag her down. Shepard had pulled out his rifle, and was using the back of the driver's seat as make shift cover. "Shit. They're coming back." He growled. Garrus was muttering something over his comm in front, and began to drive forward into the hangar. Ashley moved to get up. Shepard pushed her back behind the passenger's seat. "Damn it, Jamie. _Stay down_."


	14. Chapter 14

_He could feel them. Everything moved when they came. He tried to still himself, quiet his breathing. As if that would help. He heard a scream as someone was pulled under. Funny how you can't tell people apart by their screams._

_He looked over to Nolan, the soldier lying down and moaning, clutching at stomach. He'd be dead soon. That acid would eat at him, ignoring barriers and armor and burning straight into his flesh. Shepard had seen it with a few of the others who had followed him back to this point. He thought he'd had a plan – get to a high vantage point, somewhere they could see around them, somewhere rocky enough that the maws wouldn't want to burrow through. It seemed like a few boulders didn't bother them. Out of the twenty that survived the initial attack, seven made it to their current hiding place. Two were wounded. Two had tried to go back for dropped supplies. They screamed as they were pulled down._

_He was so sick of the screaming._

"Shepard? Shepard, it's dead. We're fine."

_What the hell was she talking about? He could _feel _them. "Jamie, I know you want to go back, but we can't. This is our best bet. We have to hold out until help comes." Nolan kept moaning. The dying noises of the others was fading. He felt so helpless. They had ran out of medigel yesterday. The acid hadn't stopped eating. "We're getting out of here, Jamie."_

_He was sick of saying that. Why did he always have to say that?_

"Shepard, come on. We're fine. Let's get out of here and talk, okay?"

_Her voice was calm. Jamie was strong. If anyone would make it out of this, it would be her. "We can't." He sighed. His breath was hot inside of his helmet. "You saw what happened to Toombs. I swear, they can feel it when we walk above them…" He heard a murmuring in the background. The injured soldiers were moaning again. Jamie didn't answer him. He looked over to her helmeted face. She was looking back at him, but her eyes were obscured through her visor. "We should have enough food to last us a few more days, if we're careful. I'm not sure about water. We may have to make a run back to that stream…" Shepard dreaded the thought. He shook his head. "It's too risky. We only do it if we have to."_

"Shepard, please, look at me. We're fine. We're safe."

_He tightened his grip on his rifle. He wanted to believe it, too. He had believed it after they took down the first. Then the second had come, taking their commander with the others. He wasn't going to make that mistake again. They had trusted him to get them somewhere safe. He failed most of them. And the monsters were still there, waiting to get rid of what remained of the marines. They were relentless. But he would be just as relentless. He'd be damned if he let everyone die again. "No, Jamie. We need to stay. The Alliance won't abandon us. They'll come." _

_He repeated his father's words and hoped that this time they wouldn't be too late._

"_I'm sorry about Ramirez. He was a great guy." Shepard continued and glanced at her, wishing he could gauge her mood through her visor. He needed to know she was in this. "He wouldn't want you throwing your life away though. They're gone, Jamie. But we're still here. We can still do this." He pointed his rifle around the edge of the rock, glancing through his scope. The earth was silent, solid. Nothing moved. "I think we're good for a bit. I can take first watch if you want some rest." Shepard lifted a hand to his helmet, pulling it off, thankful for the breathable atmosphere. He ran his hand over his hair. Jamie didn't respond. She wasn't looking at him, her eyes were on the injured soldiers. They murmured weakly, death catching up with them. Finally, she turned around._

"Shepard." _He looked at her, her voice soft. _"Shepard, its Ashley. We're on the Normandy. We're safe, and on the Normandy. It's not real, Shepard."

_His brain was throbbing painfully. "What? No. Jamie, you can't shut down on me. We need to make it out of here."_

"It's Ashley, Shepard. This isn't real. This happened a long time ago, on Akuze. It's over." _Her voice was still soft. He stared at her. Of course it happened on Akuze, they were on Akuze. But it couldn't be over. It was never over. _

_His grip tightened on his rifle. _"Shepard, come on. Come back." _She couldn't do this. She couldn't leave him here alone. His hand threaded its way through his hair anxiously. Jamie grabbed his arm. Her grip was gentle, and it slid down his arm to grasp his hand. _"It's Ash, Shepard. We're okay." _He stared at her, green eyes wide and desperate. He flicked his gaze over her visor. Her hand was reassuring, but it left. _

_She was wrong. It wasn't over. He would die this time. You didn't survive these kinds of things twice, especially in such a short time. He watched her, eyes still on her visor. He felt her remove his right gauntlet, but didn't bother asking why. "Please, Jamie. I can't do this alone again. Don't leave me here alone." He choked. Her hands lifted her helmet off, and suddenly he saw her._

Hands grasped his again, and he could feel her skin. Her brown eyes were supposed to be grey, her dark hair should have been mousier. She was so different, her features nothing like Jamie's.

"Shepard, you're not alone. I'm not going anywhere. We're alright. Come back." And the strong voice wasn't Jamie's.

They were all dead. Jamie, Nolan, Ramirez. Every single one of them died. She couldn't handle it. On the third day he found a bullet hole in her head. The Alliance had been too late. His mind screamed as he was dragged back to the present. His throat clenched down on itself as he choked on the air. He was alone.

The woman tightened her grip on his hands. "I'm here. It's alright." She was so strong. _Ashley. It's Ashley. _He stared into her brown eyes. They were warm, and he was able to breath. He lifted his unarmored hand to her face. Her eyes widened, lips parting fractionally in surprise. But she looked relieved. He had to feel her.

"You're real." He murmured, not really looking for an answer. The inside of the Mako drifted into view, his rifle lying beside him. The hatch was closed. "You're okay?"

"I'm okay. We're all okay."

His eyes searched hers, trying to affirm that her words were true. He became aware of how close they were, her armored legs pressed against his. He wanted to hold on to her, ensure himself that she was real. That he at least still had her.

But he didn't have her. His hand slid from her face, and he looked away. He was her commander. And she had seen him break. It had never happened on a mission before. Shame flooded him. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have fallen apart like that. It's…" He sighed, staring at the floor of the Mako. "I usually have it under control. It won't happen again." He dared a look to her face. Her brow was furrowed. "If you'd like to request another command, I understand." Her hand was on his again. His gaze widened.

"Shepard, don't be an idiot." She rolled her eyes. "You had a bad day. But with what you've been through, I'm sure most people would be doing a lot worse." He stared at her, stunned. She didn't loosen her grip. "If you think so little of me that I would leave because I saw you become a bit more real, I shouldn't be here to begin with."

"Ash, I didn't mean it that way…" He searched her eyes. "Thank you, for being here. For bringing me back. For staying. Sometimes I just get set off, and it's hard to remember… Just thanks." He looked away. She pulled his face to look back at her, her fingers lightly tugging at his jaw.

"I'm here Shepard, if you need to talk. Anytime." Her hand lingered. He felt the stubble on his jaw move as her fingers fell away. He missed them.

He nodded, unsure what else to say. He was too busy taking her in. Her brown eyes were warm with compassion. She was beautiful. He fought the urge to reach his hand to her face again. "The others…" His mind rudely reminded him of their current situation. "Did they see me like that?"

Ashley shook her head. "Garrus called ahead for Chakwas. She had the hangar cleared. Just in case…" She glanced at his rifle. "You wanted to more violently reenact it." Shepard sighed, running his hand through his hair guiltily. "They were both here, for a little while. She tried to talk to you, but you didn't respond to either of them. Just me, because you thought I was Jamie…"

Shepard nodded. "She was a friend." He muttered, figuring he owed her an explanation. "She was the last one alive with me." Ashley frowned, he looked away. "What about Garrus? Did he seem okay?"

Ashley shrugged. "Seemed fine to me. He's an especially hard turian to read." She sighed, and he quirked a brow at her "Have to give him credit though, he thought fast when it came to calling Chakwas. He had your back when you needed it. And he's a damn good driver."

Shepard felt himself smile. It was amazing how she could ease them out of him. "Did you just compliment a turian, Chief?"

Ashley glowered at him, then rolled her eyes. "I guess he's not too bad."

He chuckled. The sound was weak, but it was there. "Alright, I better go assess the damage." He moved towards the latch, opening it and climbing out. He grabbed his rifle, latched it on his shoulder, and then held his hand out for Ashley.

"Really, you think I need your help getting out of a car?"

He snorted, keeping his hand out. "Just trying to be a gentleman, Miss Williams." She took it and climbed out of the Mako.

"How chivalrous of you." She rolled her eyes, but he saw the smile hiding in them.

He offered a small smile back. "Ashley… Thank you." He ran his thumb over her knuckles then let go, walking through the empty hangar to the elevator.

xxxxxxxxxx

_What the fuck, Shepard?_ He closed his eyes, head falling to his hands as he sat before his desk. _What the fuck was that?_

He was usually able to talk himself down, pull back and remind himself it wasn't real. But the flashbacks hadn't been that bad in years. Not since his leave after Akuze. It was all too much. Why was it that this mission was riddled with constant reminders of how much he fucked up before?

"Commander?" A familiar London accent sounded outside of his door. "Permission to enter?"

The Spectre leaned back in his chair and rubbed a hand over his face. _Shit_. He didn't do psych evals. His forced leave was the most he'd do for the military shrinks, and even that he had only agreed to after Anderson had told him he'd be discharged otherwise. It was all bullshit. Talking about it wasn't going to make it better – shit happened, and he would find a way to deal with it. Granted, this time he wasn't able to in time… He sighed. "Granted."

"Commander." Chakwas looked him over. He squared his shoulders, feeling like he was being assessed. "I believe it is time we talk about your mental health."

Shepard remained seated, and just watched her. _She's got to be kidding. _He kept his expression neutral, trying to figure out exactly where she was going with this. She stared straight back, pulling up a chair to sit facing him. The doctor crossed her legs and waited, apparently not going anywhere. They stayed like that a while. _This is ridiculous._ "Doctor, I apologize for my outburst, but it's dealt with. I'll take steps to avoid it happening again. Unless you need something else, there's nothing more to say."

Chakwas shook her head. "Commander, I think you know as well as I that this wasn't an isolated incident. Anderson informed me of your history and past behavioral issues. It seems, as far as I can tell, you've been living untreated with severe PTSD. It is time you stopped allowing it to interfere with your life and dealt with it."

Shepard deadpanned. Of course, it wasn't like he'd been expecting any less from her. Chakwas was never a woman that beat around the bush, and she was always a doctor who wished the best for her patients. But he was unable to find gratitude for this particular attempt at healing. "I'll get it under control."

"How is that, Commander?" She shook her head. "By avoiding the issues? Dulling it with alcohol and sleeping pills?" The doctor leaned forward, elbows resting on her knees. "You have developed some very unhealthy ways of coping with stress. Until you come to recognize your triggers and learn to confront and disarm them, you are risking continued outbursts of rage and flashbacks."

Shepard felt the lingering tension in him rise with each of her words. "This isn't your problem to deal with."

"Yes, it is." Chakwas didn't let down. As hard as he would try to pull away, he knew she would continue to push. "Commander, your behavior is out of control. If it hadn't been for Detective Vakarian's quick thinking and Chief Williams' intervention, I fear that this episode could have been much more public and much more dangerous."

"I know that." He growled. He sat back, trying to distance himself from her intruding stare. "I realize I failed them."

She shook her head. "You are failing no one, Shepard. But you are also helping no one by fighting my attempt to help you. There is no shame in being unable to face this alone, but you do need to face it. The memories will continue to hold power over you until you do." When Shepard didn't respond, she frowned. "I see how this effects you, Commander. Your distance from others, your extreme guilt when they are injured or killed. The bags under your eyes would tell me enough of your sleeping habits if you weren't already raiding my supply of sleeping medication. I am astonished that you have managed to be so productive with your obvious compulsions towards anxiety and isolation. And from what Captain Anderson told me, our trip to the Citadel wasn't the only time you disappeared and returned inebriated and bloody."

_Damn. Glad to know I'm subtle._ "My past is my business." Shepard said simply, unable to keep the edge out of his voice. The fact that Anderson had confided in her about his personal problems irritated him. As if the man didn't nanny him well enough from a distance; he now had to go and plant a mole on his ship.

"Why do you feel you can't talk about it?" Chakwas, as he expected, didn't back off. "You have been through some very intense and traumatic experiences in your life, Commander. Seeking help in coping with them is not something to be ashamed of. Post-traumatic stress disorder is common enough among marines for you to know that it can have serious consequences."

Shepard ran a hand through his hair in exasperation. "Can't you just give me some meds? I don't want to talk about it."

"I'm afraid I can't, Commander. Any medication I would give you would treat only some of the underlying symptoms. You must face it, and that means talking about it and how it makes you feel."

"I'm not really a feelings kind of guy."

"Yes, Commander. I have, in fact, noticed that." To his astonishment, Chakwas smirked. The expression faded quickly back into her professional guise. "I also have noticed that, despite that, you have grown attached to your crew. Chief Williams in particular. That she was able to serve as your anchor and pull you back during such an intense episode tells me you are not as far gone as you think. You still allow yourself to form relationships with those around you." He stared at the doctor uneasily. "Correct me if I'm wrong, but allowing people to get to close, to know you beyond the title, is something you usually avoid, yes?"

He frowned at her, and gave the slightest of nods. Having her read him so easily wasn't something he enjoyed.

"That's what I thought. The fact that you are beginning to allow someone in somewhat disproves your assessment on your capacity for feeling." Shepard glared at her. "You have had an incredibly trying life, Commander. I can see that a part of you yearns for something better, but you are holding yourself back from finding happiness."

He felt his fists tighten. _Typical shrink bullshit._ He respected Chakwas, he knew her to be a competent doctor. But she had no idea what she was talking about with this. This wasn't something he would just let her push her way into, not some cut she could quickly stitch up and scold him for.

"Commander, please. This is exactly what I'm talking about." She gestured slowly at his hands, clenched on his armrest. "You're fighting this, you're coping with the stress of my confrontation with anger and denial. It has to stop." Shepard inhaled deep, trying to calm himself down. She didn't stop. "If you don't face this, it will only get worse. You live too stressful of a life to be able to avoid it. It will interfere with your job. It will prevent you from developing any serious and lasting relationships. It will destroy you, Shepard." His hands came up, fingers digging into his scalp. "Commander, let me help you. You deserve to be happy."

His fists slammed onto his armrests. He jumped to his feet. "_No!_" He shouted. His heart pounded, shattering his chest. To her credit, Chakwas didn't flinch. "This isn't something I'm going to do. I don't get to just talk about it and let it go away. _I'm alive._ I fucking lived. I let them die. I listened to them scream, I watched as they were slaughtered." The bile was in his throat, the smoke and burning flesh came back to his nostrils. He shook as the screams echoed in his mind. _Fuck. Breath._ "If the worst I have to deal with are some bad days and a few relationship issues, I think I'll manage."

A few moments passed, his ragged breathing filling his cabin. He paced, rolling his neck back and forth. He tried to focus on the movement. Everything was already fuzzy after Edolus. He couldn't keep up. He rolled his shoulders and winced, the old, phantom pain from the thresher acid hitting him. He reached back to feel the scar, gnarled and ugly, but healed. He exhaled. _Get a grip, damn it. _

Chakwas watched him silently, her face sad. "Commander, I will say this every day until you believe it: none of it was your fault." He spun to face her, and she held up a hand. "I do not wish to fight you. But I will continue to try to help you until you order me off of the Normandy." He turned away, standing still and taking deep breaths. "We are all here for you. I am going to continue to try and get you to talk about it, but until you do, I recommend meditation. You need to find a way to relieve the stress this mission is putting on you." Shepard felt her lingering, watching his back. He glanced at her over his shoulder. "You are not alone, Shepard."

The commander watched as she left quietly, then leaned heavily against the wall. His heartbeat slowed, the peace of seclusion washing over him. But as he stared at the ceiling, all he could think of were her parting words. Of the words Ashley had murmured to pull him back.

_You are not alone._


	15. Chapter 15

Shepard's hand ran through his hair for probably the fifth time since he started their meeting. He didn't want to know what it looked like at this point.

"The Mu Relay links to dozens of systems and hundreds of worlds. There's no telling which of them Saren could be interested in." Liara informed him, again. He frowned at the asari.

"Any of them with more beacons?"

"It's hard to say. Yes, there are Prothean ruins in that part of space, but any beacon he may have found may not have been reported to the council. I don't know of any previously known ones."

"And the ruins you do know of? Where are they?"

"Many places. They were a vast empire, Shepard. Truly an amazing civili-"

"You've mentioned." Ashley grumbled, her gaze icy on Liara.

Shepard glanced at her, frowning slightly, before looking back to Liara. "Compile a list of Prothean ruins that can be accessed through the Mu Relay. We need something to go on." He glanced over at Tali. "Have you heard of geth venturing into that region of space before now?"

The quarian gave a small shrug. "Sorry, Commander. We weren't aware of them going beyond the Veil until Saren called them here. They could be anywhere." The small woman slumped.

"Of course." Shepard grumbled, enhancing Tali's already desolate appearance and earning an irritated frown from Garrus, who moved to nudge the quarian encouragingly. "Alright, we need something. Anything. This bastard knows we're after him, and so far he's beat us at every turn. We need to catch him before he gets to the Conduit, or hits another colony." He pounded his fingers thoughtfully on his armrest. "Tali, any intel you get on geth movements and concentration areas, let me know." She gave a small nod. The commander frowned. "Until the Council can give me something real to work off of, we're flying blind out here. We'll be running a few Alliance ops until we figured out where Saren ran off to, but he is still our priority. If you find any information that might seem even potentially useful, bring it to me." He surveyed the faces of his squad, all staring at him dismally. "We will take him down. There's no way he's getting away with what he's done. Dismissed."

His companions stood to leave, Alenko lingering slightly as he rubbed his temple. Shepard studied the man for a moment. "You good, Alenko?"

"Yes, sir. Just a migraine. Pushed myself a little too hard with some biotic exercises, but I'll be fine."

The commander frowned. "Do all biotics get migraines? Is that why Liara's fainting all the time?" _At least that would help explain our delicate flower._

To his astonishment, the lieutenant snorted a little in amusement. He didn't know the man had a sense of humor. "Couldn't say, Commander. My migraines are because of my L2 implant – it's the outdated version. L3's typically don't have them. And compared to the other complications, I'm lucky all I get is a headache."

Shepard nodded. "Come on, I've got something that might help." Alenko frowned, looking confused and a little doubtful, but Shepard waved him forward and started off towards the stairs. The lieutenant followed dutifully. "Wait here." Shepard said quickly, gesturing towards a table in the mess. He ducked into his cabin and rummaged through his stash, pulling out his prize. Alenko was watching him cautiously as he approached, obviously uncomfortable.

"Sir, you really don't need to bother. They go away on their own eventually, and this one isn't too bad…" His eyes fell on Shepard's hands as the commander put down a few mugs and a tube of instant coffee. "Is that coffee?"

Shepard grinned at the enthusiasm in the other man's voice. "Damn right. Always keep some with me. No matter how much we stock up during resupply, it's always the first thing to run out." He set about getting some water heated, then brought the thermos over to where the lieutenant was seated. He poured the water over the crystals and sat down, reveling in the scent. "It's not gourmet, but it's better than those little liquid shit pods we usually get." He grouched, smirking a little. Kaidan grinned, obviously agreeing with the commander's assessment.

The two sat in silence for a while, Shepard pouring over a datapad for the fiftieth time, trying to discern new information on the Reapers. His mind was constantly pulsing with the beacon's vision. The destruction, the screams, Sovereign's looming image in front of unknown planets. It was infuriating knowing he had part of the answer in his mind, but no way to know what it might mean. He needed the information Saren had. He couldn't let whatever had destroyed the Protheans so completely do the same to them.

"You were right, Commander." Kaidan interrupted his thoughts, and Shepard glanced up at the biotic in surprise.

"I was?"

"About the coffee." The lieutenant continued. "I think the caffeine is helping. Thanks."

He brought the coffee up to take a sip, letting the warm, bitter liquid make its way down his throat. _Now that's the shit. _Shepard shrugged. "Does the trick for me usually. I've always got some whiskey too, if you need a little something extra."

Kaidan grinned. "I might take you up on that some time, sir. Nothing better than a good whiskey. Except maybe some cold Canadian lager."

"Can't say I've ever tried a Canadian brew. I'll keep an eye out for some when we hit the Citadel." He took another sip, slumping down a little in his seat as Chakwas walked by behind Kaidan. The woman had been watching him like a hawk the last few days, sitting him down every night for a little sharing session. It was miserable, but he grudgingly had to admit his nightmares were fading slightly. Whether that was a credit to the doctor or a rather uneventful time since their landing on Edolus, he couldn't say.

"Oh, with a nice steak, you can't do better." The lieutenant adopted a dreamy look.

"Shit, I don't know the last time I had real meat." Shepard felt his mouth water. "I think I'd probably kill for a steak right about now."

Kaidan chuckled. They sat in a comfortable silence for a few moments, relishing in the thought of real, non-processed food. The lieutenant studied Shepard for a minute, gathering up some courage to speak. "Commander, I wanted to thank you." Shepard gave him a quizzical look. "For what you did on Feros."

"We did what we could. If we had gotten their sooner, we might have been able to catch Saren." Shepard sighed, once again ruffling his hair with his hand. "And maybe save a few more of those colonists."

"Still, you saved everyone you could, and staying behind to help them with repairs... It felt good, being able to do something for them. I was worried, after Jeong, you'd just do whatever it took to complete the mission - even if it meant plowing through those colonists."

"Jeong was a danger to Zhu's Hope. He threatened to take all of their lives." The commander's voice was low, dangerous. "I wasn't going to let him get away with that." _Why is it they all have to comment on that?_ It had been days since Feros. _You would think the Thorian would be the thing they'd remember._

The biotic held up his hands in surrender. "I know, sir. I'm not questioning your decision." He gave a nervous chuckle. "Just remind me not to piss you off."

The commander rolled his eyes. "I've got a bit of a temper. I'm working on it."

"Yeah, Ashley said you've been talking to the doc." _Good to know there's still doctor-patient confidentiality. _Kaidan looked up fearfully from his cup, obviously realizing he had said too much. _He really is a damn gossip._ "Sorry, sir. Small ship. Chakwas is good though, she's helped me a lot. With my migraines, and other stuff."

Shepard simply grunted in acknowledgement, and finished his cup. "Here, take this. I have more." He tossed Kaidan the tube of instant coffee. "Let me know if you want some of that whiskey. Now, get ready to suit up, we're headed to Luna Base to fight a computer." Kaidan nodded, grinning as he caught the coffee.

xxxxxxxxxxxxx

"Admiral Hacket on the QEC again, Commander. When is he going to take you out to dinner?"

Shepard sighed as Joker's voice came over the intercom, glancing at Pressly who looked scandalized by the pilot's suggestion. He glanced over his shoulder, across the CIC and down the hall to the cockpit. Joker gave him a wave, his seat swiveled around to watch the commander's reaction. Shepard just shook his head and walked towards the comm room.

"Make sure its somewhere nice!"

Of course, the pilot had a point. A mission on Earth's moon, a crazed biotic compound, reactivating a few listening posts after rogue rachni attacks, rescuing a politician from yet more fanatic biotics - Shepard was getting a little sick of the errand boy routine, but he owed Hackett, and when an Admiral asks you to take care of something personally, you get it done. Not to mention, they had jack shit on Saren's whereabouts, and the Council was being less than helpful in providing any illuminating information.

He queued up the comm, hands pulled behind his back as he stood up at attention. Hackett was old, but the man was intimidating – hard, tough, and with a zero bullshit attitude that Shepard both respected and was a little wary of. He had been on the receiving end of a few of Hackett's reprimands, and had no wish to relive the experience.

"Commander. I understand from Anderson you had worked with Rear Admiral Kahoku a few weeks back."

"Yes, sir. He requested I check in on some missing marines. I found them on Edolus, they had been taken out by a thresher maw. I sent a report on the situation to him."

Hackett nodded, staying silent for a few moments. His grizzled face held the same severe expression it always had. "Kahoku has disappeared. He left the Citadel a few days ago in a hurry. He hasn't reported in to the Citadel or Alliance command, but we believe he had found something connected to those missing marines. I looked over the report you sent him. You mentioned a planted beacon?"

"Yes, sir. There was a non-Alliance distress beacon activated right on top of the thresher maw's tunnels. Kahoku's men must have been responding to it as well. It seemed like a lure, but I didn't see evidence of who might have set the trap, or why." The commander tried to keep his face neutral. _I was a little too preoccupied to play detective._

"I want you on this, Shepard. He was investigating an Alliance black ops group that may have gone rogue."

_Of course. More rogue agents._ "What group?"

"They're called Cerberus. The organization is fishy to begin with – pro-human, borderline extremists. I'm not sure what work they've done for our side, but whatever they're up to now, I doubt it falls within Alliance regulations. They've been known to do some morally questionable things in the name of humanity."

"You think they have Kahoku?"

"Yes. I think they caught him asking too many questions, and with their track record, he's likely in danger. I want you to find him, Commander. Figure out what part Cerberus is playing in this. We can't risk them becoming a threat to the Alliance and our allies."

"I'm on it, sir. Any clue where he was headed?"

"Binthu, in the Voyageur Cluster. There's a remote Cerberus facility there. I don't know what work they do, but no doubt he went to find out." Hackett shifted, releasing his tight professional pose to reach for his own controls. "Report in when you find him, Commander. Hackett out."

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

"This is gross." Ashley groaned, shaking her boot free of the gunk left by the Thorian creeper. "How are these things even still alive? We killed that nasty plant thing back on Feros."

Shepard smirked. "Sorry, Ash. I didn't know you were afraid of getting a little dirty. I'll make sure to lay my coat down for you next time."

"Oh, shut up." She rolled her eyes and smacked his armored shoulder as she walked by, heading back towards the entrance. "Really though, what are they doing with these things? And rachni, too. How is it they're researching these things we just found out existed?" The soldier had a point, Shepard admitted to himself. Cerberus seemed incredibly well-informed, as well as being incredibly hostile. They had attacked Shepard's crew on sight, confirming his assumptions of their wrongdoing. And the Thorian creepers, the little, skittering rachni workers, and still no trace of Admiral Kahoku… _What the hell are these people trying to do?_

"Hackett said they were black ops. They must have moles in different organizations. We know they were in with ExoGeni, from the files we found in their headquarters." Shepard murmured as they walked outside, hoisting himself into the Mako. Ashley climbed into the passenger seat, having argued with the others that seeing where they were going made her more able to tolerate Shpeard's driving – and Shepard allowed it, being no longer able to tolerate her stubbornly vying for the wheel. The rest of the squad piled in back, Wrex grumpily occupying the majority of the space. It was unnecessary to take them all, but Shepard could tell the team was getting restless sitting around the Normandy, waiting for a lead on Saren. He needed to keep them busy. "I'm sure they had a few operatives on Noveria as well."

"Why though?" Ashley asked, glancing at him. Shepard caught her gaze, smiling at the curiosity in her brown eyes. She had seemed pretty flat to him, at first. But now… She was strong and stubborn, compassionate and opinionated. She was a marvel to him. He shrugged in response to her question, starting the engine and throttling forward. It was Liara, to Ashley's obvious dissatisfaction, who answered.

"Both the Thorian and the Rachni queen possessed the ability to influence their lessers through forms of telepathy. Perhaps Cerberus is studying this?"

Ashley huffed, and Shepard could see from the expression on her face that she wasn't planning on responding. Apparently she still had no love for the asari, despite her beginning to warm up to the other aliens on the crew. "We just need to find Kahoku and shut them down. Whatever they're doing, it can't be anything good if they are trying this hard to hide it." He swerved to avoid a boulder. Tali squeaked as Wrex was jolted over, crushing her.

He slammed on the brake and quickly exited the Mako, pulling his pistol out of its holster as he approached the door. The others followed, jostled by the sudden stop, and prepared similarly. He held his hand up then waved them through the door as he opened the door and checked that the hall was clear. He led the squad down the hall to another door. The two bases before had been very similarly constructed – an entrance hall to a main room, filled with computers, scientists, their subjects, and Cerberus commandos. All had tried to kill them in both of the previous buildings, so the commander held a cautious stance that was mirrored by his team. His hand hovered over the door control and he glanced to the rest of them, nodded, and then pressed it.

"I will destroy you!"

_Why the fuck do they keep saying that? Who says that?_ Shepard answered their welcoming party with a few well-placed shots to the head and ran to cover. The squad worked quickly, firing weapons and biotic attacks until the Cerberus soldiers lay dead. The barrier remained up.

"Rachni?" Garrus came up beside him. He glanced at the turian and nodded.

"Looks like it. One of the big ones, this time." The commander's brow furrowed as he looked to the beast's feet. "There's a body in there."

Garrus' mandibles fluttered inquisitively. "Who's?"

"Can't tell from here. Tali, can you shut this barrier down?"

"Yes, Commander. I can do that." The quarian chirped enthusiastically, walking hurriedly over to the controls.

"Alright, everyone get in cover. I'm sure this thing will love to give an example of its wonder spit again." Shepard grinned at Ashley, who gave an exasperated sigh and sank down behind a computer console beside him. The rest of the squad took cover as the barrier wavered, Tali running to a nearby pillar as she finished her work. The containment shield disappeared, and the rachni screeched and shuffled towards them. To prove the commander's point, it spat a projectile of its green acid towards them, the substance burning into one of the consoles. Shots answered it from every member of the squad.

"Nasty bugs." Ashley murmured as they walked towards its corpse. Surveying the damage it had done to the console, and then remembering the soldier's previous experience with the creatures, Shepard couldn't help but agree. He walked past her towards the body, clad in Alliance dress blues. He slowed as he recognized the man, despite extensive burns.

"It's Admiral Kahoku." Shepard growled, crouching beside him. "The bastards trapped him in here with the rachni." He sighed, running a hand through his hair.

"We've got to get him back to the Citadel. He deserves a funeral." Kaidan walked up beside Ashley, his eyes remorseful. Shepard nodded.

"Come on, let's get him to the Normandy. Hackett needs to hear about this." He sighed. They were too late, again. "Tali, anything in their files?"

"No, Shepard. They wiped these, just like the other bases. They knew we were coming." The quarian answered, slumping regretfully.

_Fucking story of my life. _"Alright. We'll look for info on their movements when we get to the Citadel, and inform the Alliance of their taste for assassination. They'll get what's coming to them." Another mystery with another dead end. He glanced at the rachni corpse, and his head pounded again with the Prothean's warning. Cerberus wanted the rachni for something, Benezia had used them for their knowledge of the Mu Relay… There were too many coincidences and too few answers. He stood and motioned for them to move out, trying to push down his frustration. They were running out of time.


	16. Chapter 16

"Shepard. Good to see you." Anderson offered a warm, welcoming grin as he walked into the human embassy. Shepard nodded to his former captain, a shy smile fighting its way onto his lips. Anderson had a way of making him feel at home. "Sit down. How's the mission coming? Still deadlocked?"

"Yes, sir." Shepard sighed, readily taking a glass of amber liquid that was offered to him. Anderson sat across from him, settling back comfortably and waiting for Shepard to expand. "You were right about Saren. He's a tricky bastard."

"That he is." Anderson murmured. Shepard took a hearty swig of what he distinguished as scotch. The captain arched a brow. "Long day?"

"Long month." Shepard said simply, shrugging a little and setting his glass down guiltily. The last thing he needed was a lecture on responsible drinking.

"Mhmm. Watch that, Shepard. I know how you try to wash it away." Anderson's voice was serious, concerned. His eyes glanced over the commander. "You look like shit, kid. When was the last time you shaved?"

Shepard stared at him, fighting the urge to roll his eyes. "I'm keeping it trimmed down." _Mostly._

"Just shave, damn it. The first human Spectre is going to look like a homeless man soon enough." Shepard gave up and rolled his eyes. Anderson frowned. "Chakwas has been in contact. You holding up alright? I heard about Edolus."

"I'm fine, Anderson. Just had a rough spot."

The captain sighed. "I'm not going to tell you how to deal with your past, Owen. But you have a lot on your plate. If you need help, you know I'll do what I can."

Shepard nodded. "I know. I'm fine though." He said shortly. Anderson seemed to want to say more, but decided against it. The captain simply gave a small nod. "I'm in this. I need to catch Saren. I feel like we're so close to puzzling this all out..." A hand fidgeted through his hair in frustration. "Any rumors coming through the Citadel that might help?"

"Afraid not. I'll keep you updated though. As soon as I find anything new, you'll be the first to know. Just keep at it, Owen. I know you'll catch the bastard." Once again, his captain's unwavering faith in him caught Shepard off guard. He shifted a little uncomfortably in his chair, letting out a grunt of thanks. "Now, Hackett told me he's on Cerberus. Whatever they're up to, we'll find out." Anderson sighed heavily, his expression pained. "Rear Admiral Kahoku will receive a full military funeral back on Earth." The captain shook his head. "He was a good man, a strong leader. He shouldn't have gone out like this."

Shepard nodded. "I'm sorry we didn't make it there sooner."

Anderson held up a hand. "Enough of that. You did good work, Shepard. Hackett will let you know if we need you anymore on this, but for now, focus on Saren. He's still your priority." Shepard nodded, taking a swig of his scotch. It felt good to know the Alliance was going to go after Cerberus. Whatever they were trying to find from their experiments, it wasn't worth the lives of marines. The captain leaned forward, a smirk on his face. "So, how's the old girl doing? I hope you've managed to keep her hull free of holes."

Shepard snorted, opening his mouth to answer but the door catching his eye as it opened with a swish.

"Hey, Shepard. Ready to get that drink you owe me?" Ashley locked her eyes with his as she strode into the room, smiling as she saw him. The commander widened his eyes, looking to an amused Anderson. Ashley followed his gaze as the captain turned around, then snapped her hand up in a prompt salute. "Captain Anderson! I didn't see you there, sir. They told me Shep- the Commander was up here. Sorry, I'll just…" Anderson's brow was raised curiously, his face impassive.

"At ease, Chief. We're almost done." Anderson's deep voice held laughter, and the soldier simply nodded, understanding the dismissal and snapping another quick salute before hurrying out the door. The captain looked back to Shepard. His brow was furrowed critically.

Shepard slumped. "What?"

"You know what." Shepard stared at him blankly, and Anderson shook his head. "She was a little too casual with you, and she knows it."

"You know I'm not big on titles." Shepard frowned.

"The Alliance is." Anderson leaned back, watching him with that disappointed frown Shepard thought he saved just for him. "Watch that with her too. She's not some civilian you met on leave, Owen. She's under your command. She can't be one of your vices."

"It's not like that. We…" His hand ruffled his hair nervously, unsure what to say. Shame flooded him at the captain's words. _Is that what I'm doing with her? Using her to make me feel better? _"She's a friend. I wouldn't use her like that." Shepard frowned at the doubtful look on Anderson's face. It's not like he had actually done anything wrong. Talking to your crew wasn't off limits. "Ash…Chief Williams. She's a good soldier, and she's helped me through this. I'm not going to mess up either of our careers by doing something stupid." Anderson's eyes widened a little. "What?"

"Damn, Shepard." The older man's eyes were warm, smiling now as he looked a little bemused. He shook his head at Shepard's confused face. "Just be careful. You need to stay focused on the mission."

"I am, sir. Completely."

"Good." Anderson stood, and Shepard mimicked the gesture. His old captain slapped him on the back. "Alright, get out of here. I'll keep you updated on anything I find out." He gave the commander another smile. "You've come a long way. Just keep at it, you'll get it done." Shepard nodded, offering a quick salute and waving a goodbye as he walked out the door. He glanced down the hall, flushing a little as he saw her.

Ashley was pacing a little frantically, a contrast to her usually solid appearance. Obviously the run-in with Anderson had flustered her. He frowned, feeling guilty. They had been spending more time together since Edolus – just talking, joking around, a little innocent flirting. She made him feel lighter, made everything a little easier. He knew it was against Alliance regs, but he wanted to be around her. As long as they kept from crossing that boundary… The woman stopped pacing, obviously noticing his presence. She spun towards him and her eyes softened slightly.

"Shepard… Commander." She caught herself, taking a few tentative steps forward. "I'm sorry I barged in there like that. I should have known you wouldn't be alone. It was stupid." She scoffed, shaking her head. "Sometimes it's a wonder how I speak at all around the foot in my mouth." Shepard smiled, and she seemed to be comforted by it.

"Ash, don't worry about it. It was nothing."

"But Shepard…" She frowned at him. "Am I the only one that feels like we've been caught reneging on duty?"

The Spectre sighed, rubbing the back of his neck. "No. We're going to have to talk, I think. But right now we're off duty anyways. And I think I owe you a drink." He smirked a little, and searched her brown eyes. She seemed uncertain. "If you still want to." He muttered, frowning.

"Jeez, Shepard. I didn't say no. Stop looking like I stole your ice cream." Ashley rolled her eyes and started towards the door. "Come on." Shepard grinned and followed. They might have to worry later about what was going on between them, but for right now he was more than content to enjoy her company. And when she glanced over her shoulder at him, smiling warmly at his eager, boyish expression… _Goddamn, she's gorgeous._ He rubbed a hand over his hair, trying to clear his head. He couldn't cross that line.

"Where are we headed?" He asked as she approached a cab.

"Flux. I think a couple of the others were headed there, seems as good a place as any to celebrate." She shrugged, climbing in. The commander followed her, trying to keep a comfortable distance between them as he sat in the car.

"Celebrate what?" He asked as the cabbie started off towards their destination, gliding over the Presidium towards the Wards.

"Armistice Day!" Ashley looked at him like he had grown a second head. "Don't tell me you don't celebrate it."

"I, uh…" Shepard looked at her a little nervously. He knew what it was, of course. The end of the First Contact War wasn't that long ago. But he hadn't realized it was a big party holiday, and he had completely forgotten it was today. "I didn't realize it was something you were supposed to celebrate."

"Of course it is." Ashley glared at him. "For that, you owe me two drinks. It's a big deal in my family. Dad would always sit us down and go over the battles granddad was a part of. We made it into a drinking game when we got old enough." She grinned at the memory, and Shepard smiled with her.

"You'll have to teach me how that goes." He laughed, climbing out of the skycar as it came to a stop. He walked around to her side, opening the door.

"Oh, come on, Shepard." She swatted away his hand as he offered it to her. "This again? I'm more than capable of opening my own doors." She climbed out, straightening her shirt a little and shouldering past him towards the club. He laughed.

"Sorry, just trying to help out a lady in need." He smirked. He knew he was pushing it, testing the border between professional and something else, but it was too damn fun.

She glared at him. "Is that how you see me? Some delicate flower?" She turned towards him, taking steps backwards as they approached Flux's entrance. Shepard laughed, his green eyes dancing over her defiant pose. She reached up to her hair and pulled it free from her usual bun, shaking it out as she waited for an answer. He slowed a little as he took her in: hair down, hand on her hip, with a look that dared him to continue. His heart raced.

"Delicate wouldn't be the word I'd pick." He murmured, trying and failing to prevent his eyes from wandering. When he made his way back up to her face, she met his gaze head on.

"Commander, were you just checking me out?" The soldier taunted, her voice laced with humor as she fought to keep her face serious. She took a step towards him. Shepard cleared his throat.

"What? I was just…" He rubbed his neck, racking his brain for some excuse for his stupidity. _Boundaries, asshole._ "Definitely not, Chief."

"Right." Ashley grinned, unconvinced, and walked towards the door. Shepard followed her in, simultaneously chastising himself internally and trying very hard not to watch the obvious sashay the soldier had fallen into as she walked towards the bar. Apparently she had no problem dancing along the border of what was professionally appropriate either. His hand ran through his hair, watching her command the attention of the bartender and attract looks from the men seated nearby. "Two shots of tequila, and keep them coming. He's paying." She grinned at him as he squeezed his way to the bar, elbowing a particularly disappointed patron who was edging his way closer to the soldier.

"Tequila? You don't hold back on Armistice Day." Shepard offered the barman his credit chit as he came back with their shots.

"I don't hold back ever." Ashley gave him a wicked grin. Shepard choked a little in surprise. "You should know that by now." She laughed at his stunned expression and grabbed her glass, holding it up to him. "To the Normandy. Dad would've been proud to know the Williams were serving shipboard again."

"The Normandy." Shepard echoed her toast, clinking his shot to hers and knocking it back in a smooth motion. The burn was familiar, smooth and gut-warming. It brought him back to basic, to the Macapa training facility. To the nights out dancing in Brazil when they were able to steal off for a few hours of leave. It was a better time, when he was young and eager and more than willing to spend a night shooting back tequila with beautiful women. Ashley slammed down her glass and waved over the bartender, who obligingly filled their drinks. "What do you mean he would have been?"

"He passed a few years back." Her voice quieted and she shrugged. Shepard cursed himself.

"Sorry. The way you talk about him usually, I thought he was still around…"

"Yeah, I know. I guess I sort of think he's always with me, you know? Looking down from heaven." She smiled, and he was amazed by how easily she talked about it. She seemed so… at peace? It was foreign to him. Ashley grabbed her second shot. "He's keeping an eye on things. So you better behave yourself." She raised her glass to him, and he laughed.

"I'll make sure to do that. To your father." Ashley smiled as he rose his toast, her brown eyes softening. They clinked glasses and tipped back their second shots. "It sounds like he was a good man." He continued, once he was finished savoring the punch the tequila gave him.

"The best. He was patient, and kind. He always said he was so proud of us." She leaned against the bar, smiling. "He worked so hard. He didn't raise high in rank, but he never gave up on the Alliance." She paused. "'Made weak by time and fate, but strong in will, To strive, to seek, to find, and not to yield.'" She sighed. "He tried so hard. But the old Williams' curse got him." Her hand waved the bartender over again.

"Williams' curse?" Shepard frowned, then backtracked. "Wait, did you just recite poetry?"

"Oh, shut up. I can be sensitive." She shoved him playfully. Shepard grinned. "Tennyson's _Ulysses. _It was Dad's favorite. He was always into the sappy poets."

"They've got some good thoughts." Shepard smiled, surprised by this newly revealed part of her. "What's this curse?" He repeated, catching her dodge.

"They're alright. A bunch of sappy romantics. I'm more of a Whitman girl, myself." Ashley sighed as he repeated the question. "You really don't know then?"

Shepard gave her a quizzical look. "Don't know what? Your family run into some nasty asari witches?" Ashley hit him again. "Ouch! Violence!" He laughed, and she shook her head.

"No. It's my granddad." She sighed, reaching for the newly filled glass.

"What about him? I thought you said he fought in the First Contact War?"

"He did. Well, he did more than fight, really." She looked at him a little suspiciously. "How can you not know? All of my commanders have known."

"Sorry. I didn't pay much attention during history class, I guess." Shepard shrugged, and Ashley gave an exasperated sigh.

"General Williams, commander of the garrison at Shanxi and the first human to surrender to an alien race." She revealed, quickly picking up her glass and shooting it back. Shepard stood silent for a minute.

"Oh." He said lamely. Ashley deadpanned, and he grabbed his drink, following suit as he shot it back. She looked defeated. "From what I understand, they were getting decimated at Shanxi. He had no choice, he pulled out to save his men."

"Yeah, well, most people aren't that forgiving in their assessment." Ashley sighed. Shepard frowned. He felt the tequila begin to warm him, flood his veins with liquid courage. He reached out, placing a hand on her arm.

"Ash, if your father or you were held back because of one decision made by your ancestor, it's not right." He murmured. She looked at him critically, trying to decide if he was being truthful. "Is that why you push yourself so hard? Your scores, the way you fight… You work twice as hard as most of the marines I know."

Ashley shrugged, looking away. The bartender had already preemptively filled their glasses, he noticed. "A Williams has to be better than the best, if only to avoid suspicion." She recited, picking up her glass again. "Dad always used to say that."

"You are better, Ash. And you deserve better. You're too damn good to be stuck at Gunnery Chief." He raised his glass to her. "To the end of the Williams curse. We find Saren, I'm damn sure you'll be getting a promotion."

Ashley beamed at him. "I'll drink to that." They clinked glasses, and shot number four slid down his throat. The tequila was strong, and he was starting to feel fuzzy. The flush on her cheeks hinted that she was feeling the same. Suddenly, she grasped his wrist and he stiffened in surprise. "Come on, let's dance."

"Oh, hell no." Shepard laughed, shaking his head vehemently. The bass was pounding, and admittedly the atmosphere was infectious. People of every species were out on the dance floor, rocking hypnotically to whatever new techno-rhythm was popular this month on the Citadel. Ashley tugged at him. "You really do not want to see me dance."

"You can't be that bad. Guys just have to stand and wiggle."

"Yeah, well, I am that bad." He snorted. Ashley thrust another drink into his hand.

"Well now I have to see." She said simply. _So damn stubborn._ "Drink up. I think we're both going to need a little liquid courage for this." Shepard sighed, shooting the tequila before allowing her to drag him towards the moving crowd. She began to move rhythmically, her hips swaying in time with the music. She smiled at him, eyes daring as she moved. It was sensuous, seductive. She knew exactly what she was doing, playing and teasing and daring him to cross the line. He exhaled a little heavily. She pulled him deeper into the crowd. _Really damn stubborn._

"You have to at least try to move." Ashley laughed, stepping towards him. She tossed her hair back as she got close, close enough to smell the tequila on her breath and the warm, spiced scent of what he assumed was her perfume. He held his breath. _Fuck. Boundaries. Big, important boundaries._ She danced in front of him, swaying and rolling as her hands traveled up his arms. "Come on, just move. How do you think you're going to get the ladies if you can't even dance?" She laughed. "Here." Her hands guided his to her hips. "Move with me, feel the rhythm."

It was intoxicating. The tequila, the bass, the feel of her moving under his hands. Her face was inches from his, her warm eyes twinkling with laughter, full lips parting in a smile. _Shit. So many boundaries._ Her hands found their way back up his arms, leaving goosebumps in their wake. They ran over his broad shoulders before resting around his neck, and suddenly she was closer, brushing him subtlety with her body. He closed his eyes, resisting the urge to tighten his grip and pull her against him. He attempted to focus on his own movements, trying to dance along with her and succeeding his usual awkward shuffle.

"You really weren't kidding, were you? You're horrible at this." Ashley laughed, but she didn't pull back. Her eyes were lit dangerously.

"I warned you." He murmured, his voice lower than he expected.

"Don't worry, we'll find a way to teach you." Her voice held a promise that got his heart racing. A hand trailed its way from the back of his neck down his chest, and he inhaled sharply. _Fucking boundaries._ His hands tightened their grip reflexively and she gasped.

"Ash…" His voice was low, rasping. "What are we doing?"

"Drinking and dancing." She said simply. Her hands snaked their way back around his neck, fingers tickling the edge of his thick hair. He suppressed a groan. "Perfectly acceptable behavior for off-duty marines." She continued moving beneath his hands. He was on fire. He wrapped his arms around her waist, pulling her closer. Her breath tickled his chin as her body was pressed to his. She looked up at him, fingers curling their way into the thick hair on the back of his head, brown eyes lit with that constantly daring look. He groaned, and leaned forward.

_Fuck boundaries. _

"Commander Shepard! Oh, wow. It's so great to see you again!" Shepard stopped short, some of the tequila haze clearing. Ashley frowned, then took a step back. He missed her warmth. His eyes searched for the intruder, his fists clenching as they fell away from her. "After you helped my fight off those last couple of thugs, I didn't know if I'd see you again. My wife was so impressed with your autograph." The Spectre found his target, and he hit the blonde man with an intense glare. _You have to be shitting me._

"What do you want, Conrad?" He growled. Ashley stared at the small man with knives in her eyes.

"Oh, I'm sorry, Commander. I know you're very busy. I just had to see you though, make sure you were in safe company." He glanced suspiciously at Ashley, turning his back to her. His hand came up to block his mouth as he lowered his voice to a whisper. "You never know where assassination attempts are going to come from."

"You're kidding." Ashley stared at him. "Is this idiot serious?" Shepard rolled his eyes and shrugged. Ashley snorted in disbelief.

"Don't worry, Commander. I'm keeping an eye out for you." Verner continued, apparently oblivious to the soldier's comment. "Hey, can I ask you a favor? The guys at work don't believe I've helped you-"

"You haven't."

"Oh, I know. Officially, we have to keep it quiet. But do you think I can get a picture _with_ you? As your biggest fan, of course." Conrad's face was as serious as ever. Shepard frowned as Ashley laughed out loud.

"Conrad, I don't know…"

"Please? It will just take a moment, I promise."

Shepard sighed in exasperation. "Fine."

"Oh, wow. Thanks, Commander! You're the greatest." Verner shuffled beside him, holding out his arm and activating his omnitool so it snapped a quick photo of them. The club was dark, so hopefully any picture Conrad did receive would leave him unrecognizable. "Perfect! This will be great to show everyone. Oh, my wife is going to be so excited. I'm so happy I saw you again. I'll keep an eye out here on the Citadel while you're doing important Spectre business. Don't worry, I have your back!" He gave one last enthusiastic wave and ran off, mission completed. He glanced to where Ashley had been standing a moment before but found her absent. Shepard sighed, a hand running though his hair.

_Fucking Conrad._


	17. Chapter 17

Something metal dropped on the floor with a clattering bang. Ashley groaned, rolling over in her cot and clutching her head. It was pounding, threatening to split open while her stomach did cartwheels inside of her.

"Little princess have a headache?" Wrex's deep, rumbling voice interrupted her misery. She groaned again as the sound shot pain through her.

"Oh, go die." She spat back, and was rewarded with a hearty chuckle from the krogan. She tried covering her eyes, her arm draped across her face to shield out the world. Tequila always seemed like such a great idea, until she woke up. There was a loud clanking noise across the hangar and she hissed at it. "Are you guys serious? What are you doing this early that has to be so loud?"

"It's 1000. Hardly early." Garrus' voice held laughter, and only a little bit of scolding. "Some of us have work to do, and this Mako isn't going to repair itself."

"Isn't that what omnigel is for?" She grumbled back, sitting up. She ran her hands over her face, no doubt red-eyed and streaked with day-old mascara. She frowned as her stomach rolled up with her. _Oh, tequila. Why do you torture me?_

"No, it's not. Shepard seriously overuses it. It's meant for patching, not repairs. And definitely not for eroding your way into locked safes." The turian groused disapprovingly, pushing himself out from under the vehicle. Ashley rolled her eyes at him. "Well, good morning, sunshine. Rough night?"

The twitching of the alien's mandibles let her know he was quite pleased with himself. She glared at him. He knew exactly what kind of night she had. She thought back to Flux, to drinking with Shepard… She gagged a little at the thought of the taste of tequila. Then they had danced. Or, she had danced, and he had…done whatever that strange shuffle had been. But the way he had looked at her. And then… _Oh, crap. Williams, what the hell do you think you're doing? _She steadied herself with a breath and got up, walking over to her crate and grabbing out some fresh casuals.

"Oh, Ashley!" A squeal came from the doors to engineering, and Tali bounded towards her. The soldier groaned. "You have to tell me everything. I knew there had to be something going on-"

"Tali, quieter, please." She hissed, holding up a hand to steady the small quarian. Tali nodded quickly, but looked no less energetic.

"So, you and the commander?" The quarian whisper-squealed. Suddenly, Ashley felt like she was talking to her kid sister again.

"No, Tali. We were just dancing, alright?"

Garrus snorted. "Shepard was not dancing."

Tali shook her head, unconvinced. "The way you two were looking at each other… Keelah, such passion!" She clapped her hands together theatrically. Ashley rolled her eyes.

"No, no passion." She hissed, glaring over her shoulder at the laughing turian and pulling Tali aside. "Tali, the Alliance doesn't condone fraternization. Especially between an officer and their subordinates. We could both get into serious trouble."

The quarian slumped. "But what about love?" She said mournfully, shaking her head. "It's so romantic! A girl, falling for her handsome, rugged commander…" Garrus cleared his throat.

Ashley spluttered out a laugh, eyes widening at her flowery description. "Oh." Tali's glowing eyes narrowed behind her mask. "You're serious. Look, Tali, I don't think we have to worry about that."

The tiny woman crossed her arms petulantly. "Shepard talks to you more than anyone else on the crew, and he's always smiling around you."

"He comes down here three times a day to check on the Mako." Garrus called from under the vehicle. Wrex chuckled deeply, obviously enjoying eavesdropping into the conversation.

The soldier gaped at them. "That's not true." _Is it?_ "He's just interested in seeing how his ship runs. And it doesn't matter, there's nothing going on. We were just dancing."

"Is that why Shepard looked like he was about to murder his biggest fan for interrupting the 'dancing'?"

Ashley glared at the turian, who had again poked his head out from under the Mako. "Shepard and I were just out for a drink. Nothing more to it than that. And that guy was seriously deluded about their relationship, I'd want to kill him too." She looked back to the quarian. "What I want to know is why you two voyeurs decided to creep around us and watch us dance, instead of letting us know you were there."

"You looked…occupied." Tali said sweetly. "_And_ you looked like you were having a lot fun, too."

_Those smoldering green eyes, feeling the strength in his arms, his breath tickling her lips…_ Ashley took a deep breath, trying to calm the fire suddenly raging up inside of her. He was so damn hot. "Yeah. Because we're friends. Friends have fun together. Now stop meddling, my life isn't some soap opera."

"Soap opera? Why would you want to perform a musical about detergent?" Garrus called out curiously, but enlightenment was kept from him by the buzz of the intercom.

"This is the Commander speaking. Ground team is to gather in the conference room at 1200 for a mission brief." His voice always had a fairly deep, sullen quality to it. But it seemed more tired this morning, tinged with something raw. Ashley glanced at Tali, her quirked head giving away that she was hearing something off as well. There was a pause, and Ashley furrowed her brow. Was that it? "Shepard out." Apparently it was.

"He seriously shouldn't go into public speaking." Garrus snorted. Ashley frowned at him.

"He sounded more sad than usual." Tali warbled in her sing-song voice, twisting her hands worriedly.

"He's probably just hungover." Ashley said, hoping her voice sounded more confident than she felt at that moment. "I'm going to shower before this thing happens. I smell like a bar."

"Bar is a good smell for a krogan woman." Wrex growled with a toothy grin. "Means she can handle her liquor. You and Shepard call it quits, you can always try your luck with a rugged, handsome krogan battlemaster." The grin broadened, showing all those yellow, sharp daggers he had in his mouth.

Ashley gagged a little, tasting the previous night's tequila for a second time. She heard the krogan's rolling laugh follow her to the elevator.

xxxxxxxxxxxx

"Dismissed." Shepard growled. The team stood, their briefing finished almost as soon as it started. The commander had spoken quickly, briefly. Ashley stood uneasily, lingering a little. The man hadn't even looked her way. He seemed…distant. The others filed out of the door. She paused a moment, glancing at the Spectre still in his seat. He was staring blankly at the ground.

"Shepard?" He looked up at her, starting a little, as if surprised to still find her there. The mission was just another Alliance run - rescuing some doctor that apparently had a hit on him. There was potentially some Cerberus involvement, but other than that, it seemed pretty standard. It wasn't anything that should be occupying his mind like this. "Is something up?"

"No, it's fine. It's just…" Shepard frowned. He ran a hand through his hair, disheveling a recently groomed appearance. _Why does he even try to comb it, when he just messes it up two seconds later?_ "The other doctors that were killed. And this one." Ashley took a step towards him, he glanced up with those strange green eyes that seemed too bright for the rest of him. "They worked on Akuze." He spat out the last word, and stood. His fists clenched. "All of them. Hackett thinks they were part of a Cerberus research team, but he doesn't know what they were studying there."

Ashley regarded the commander a little warily. He was radiating tension. _Why didn't he go over this in the brief?_ "Shepard, do you think they had something to do with…"

"I don't know." He growled, his voice almost feral. "But if they did, the doctor is going to have a bigger problem than a few mercenaries." Ashley watched him, trying to keep her face even. She didn't say anything. She wasn't sure what one could say to a commander when he threatened to murder an Alliance doctor. Or, Cerberus doctor. She frowned. This was going to be messy. Shepard met her gaze, his face an impassive mask. "Suit up, Williams. We hit the ground in an hour."

Ashley frowned at the formality. He hadn't broken his gaze, his eyes unsettlingly cold. "Yes, sir." She said coolly, and started to turn away. Apparently, she had been dismissed. She hated these moods of his – the dejected, cold commander with an alarmingly quick temper. It was a headache. She couldn't help but roll her eyes at the moody man as her back was to him. She knew he had been through more than most – hell, losing 212 still haunted her. But she wasn't going around taking it out on subordinates.

She slapped the door control a little roughly, but as it swished open a hand grabbed her wrist. "Ash…" He sighed heavily behind her. "I'm sorry. Shit, I know I can be an ass." He let go of her slowly, his fingers sliding over her hand. She shivered. "We need to talk, after we get back from Ontarom. About last night."

She glanced over her shoulder at him. A sly smile spread over her lips. "I'd love to offer you more lessons, but I'm afraid you may be a lost cause."

Shepard laughed softly, a low chuckle that warmed her. His eyes softened as some of the tension was released. "Well, I did warn you." He stepped towards her, but stopped. A hand ran through his hair. "We do need to talk though. This… we shouldn't."

Ashley turned to face him head on. "We haven't." She said simply. The soldier smiled as he sighed, exasperated.

"Ash…" His hand came up to his jaw this time, rubbing the scruff.

"We were just a few marines, having a couple of drinks and entertaining your fan club." Shepard snorted, shaking his head. "It was harmless." He watched her for a second, seeming to want to argue. He was right, of course. But if they kept it to casual flirting, what harm could it do? "Shepard, just because you're in command doesn't mean you have to alienate yourself. You had a little fun. It's good, keeps you from being such an ass."

Shepard's brows shot up. "Oh, really?" He smirked. "Chief, is that any way to speak to your superior officer?"

"Sorry, Commander Ass, sir." She grinned. Shepard laughed.

"Better. Now, we really have to get ready for this drop." His eyes instantly began to cloud. "Suit up, I'll meet you in the hangar." Ashley nodded, pausing a beat.

"Shepard… Whatever we find out down there, we'll all be there. You're not alone." She remembered his flashback to Akuze, his desperation to not be left alone again. She still didn't completely understand what happened down there, how he survived on foot against those things, why no one else made it. She fought the urge to reach out and grab his hand in reassurance. _Casual, Williams. Keep it casual._

"Yeah. Yeah, I know." From the tone of his voice, Ashley thought he sounded pretty unconvinced. "Thanks, Ash."

The soldier nodded, and walked out of the briefing room.

xxxxxxxxxxxxx

Ontarom was hot. Of course, it seemed like a lot of their little joy rides were through hot planets. At least the atmosphere was breathable. Breathing inside her stuffy helmet was the last thing she wanted to face with her wavering headache. Of course, Shepard's driving was helping no one relax. They climbed a mountain (vertically) to reach a complex surrounded by trigger happy mercs, who wasted no time in trying to destroy a heavily armored vehicle with pistols.

_Idiots._

Garrus got rid of them with a few shots of the cannon. "Pile out. Wrex, Kaidan, stay with the Mako. There may be some mercs leftover that want to have their try at grand theft auto." Shepard was growling again. Ashley sighed. He was in his head again. He had only responded half-heartedly to the jokes Garrus had attempted on the way down. The commander stalked towards the door, his already large build now intimidating in full armor. Ashley pulled out her shotgun as he reached for his rifle. Garrus strode up beside the commander, assault rifle in hand. Shepard gave them a nod and hit the door control.

They made their way silently down the hall. For such a big guy, Shepard could be eerily stealthy when he wanted to. Ashley tried and failed to mimic it, scuffing her boot on the floor. Garrus glanced at her, amused. _Oh, like they didn't hear the explosions outside._ She glared at the turian but stopped quickly as Shepard held up a hand. There was an alcove in front of them. She could make out a few guards on the far wall talking animatedly, no doubt about their intrusion. The commander crouched and aimed his rifle, the large weapon held steady as his breathing slowed. There was a bang, and one guard went down, a bullet to the head. The second had a moment to stare at his recently deceased companion, before joining him on the floor with a hole through his neck.

"Impressive." Garrus muttered appreciatively. Ashley rolled her eyes. They constantly stroked each other's egos.

There was a scuffle, and a door opened on the far wall. She glanced at Shepard, and he nodded to her. Hoisting her shotgun she ran out to a pillar she could use as cover, peeked around it, and took out a merc with a blast to the stomach. It may not be as pretty, but it was effective. Garrus flanked her, firing spurts with his assault rifle. The trio took out the mercenaries quickly. Shepard moved forward without a second glance to their dead opponents, motioning for them to follow. He glanced warily in each direction of the forked hall. They went left first, finding the room empty save a few supply crates that the commander looted like a hoarder, leaving the spoils to be picked up on their way out. He exchanged his rifle for a pistol and moved towards the door at the opposite end of the hall.

_Where is this doctor? Did they get him already?_ She was tempted to ask out loud as they moved towards the ominous door, but apparently it was still quiet time. She readied her shotgun as Shepard hit the control.

"Stay back!" A soldier in a seriously outdated Alliance uniform shouted, pistol held to a white-coated man who was no doubt the doctor. "I don't want to fight you. I'm just here for the doctor."

To her astonishment, Shepard began to lower his weapon. But what was truly worrying was the look he had on his face. Ashley's eyes darted between the gunman and her commander. He gaped, his eyes wide in pained disbelief. "Shit…no. This isn't real."

"…Shepard? Holy shit, Shep, is that you?"


	18. Chapter 18

_No. Not now. _Shepard took a step back. He closed his eyes, trying to clear his head. _Fuck, get a hold of yourself. Toombs is gone. _The Spectre drew in a deep breath, trying to focus. Trying to ground himself like Chakwas had been talking to him about. _It isn't real. Pull yourself back._

He opened his eyes. Toombs was still there, the man's eyes as wide as his own. "No, the maw pulled you under." Shepard growled, shaking his head. "I _saw_ you go down. It's not possible…"

"I got away. From the thresher maws, at least." He spat, shooting a vicious look at the doctor who is gun was still aimed at. "Crawled out of those damn tunnels, half dead, then these bastards found me." He gestured angrily at the scientist, who raised his hands in surrender.

"Don't listen to him! He's insane. I demand he be taken into custody!" The doctor shouted.

"Shut up!" Toombs snarled. "You don't get to talk. You don't get to lie anymore about what you did." The soldier took a menacing step towards the frail-looking doctor. "They took me, Shepard. They were fucking delighted to find me still alive, so they could study the effect of maw venom on living tissue." Toombs looked back to Shepard, eyes mirroring his haunted expression. "They did enough to keep me alive, but just let it keep _burning_." Shepard's fists clenched as he remembered the agony of the venom burning into his back. _They all died with acid eating into their flesh._ To endure that for any period of time… _Fuck. _"They did it. _Cerberus_. They lured those maws to us, to see how they worked, how they attacked. To see how we would handle it." He spat at the doctor's feet. "Everyone died for some bullshit science experiment."

"I didn't know…" He muttered, trying to meet the corporal's gaze. _They _He looked manic. "I- I thought I was the only one. Toombs, I'm so sorry. I swear, if I knew, I would have come back for you. I would have found some way…"

"Oh, fuck you, Shepard." The corporal hissed. "I heard there was some new, hotshot human Spectre running around with your name, but I couldn't believe it. I didn't want to believe it. That you could do that. You _left us._" Shepard felt his throat dry. "You said you'd get us out. You told me we would make it out. And instead you got _everyone_ killed? Then you go and get yourself some big, fancy job because of it!" Toombs was shaking, eyes wild. "You can shove your apologies and your promises up your ass. We _trusted _you, and you left. You left your team behind."

Shepard felt sick, shattered. "I didn't… They said you were dead. I thought… Shit, Toombs, I saw you pulled under…" _Everyone was screaming. There was screaming, and then there was nothing. Quiet embraced him, crushed him. The quiet amplified the scents and sights of the dead. He was alone._ "I didn't want to leave... They made me leave." _He shouted at them as they tried to pull him away from his squad. They were dead. Why wasn't he? What made him different? He should be with them… _ Toombs glared at him, still shaking with rage and exhaustion. The man was wild. His gun shook with him.

The doctor took this as a chance to back away.

"Don't you fucking move." The commander snarled, pinning the small scientist with an icy glare. Something boiled in him looking at the shrewd, clinical man. He hadn't seemed surprised by Toombs' accusations. Shepard clenched his jaw, brow furrowing. _It hadn't been an accident…_

"Let me have this bastard, Shepard. He's the last one." He grabbed the doctor by the throat, and the small man spluttered desperately. "They have to pay for what they did to our unit. Don't you fucking try to take this from me."

"This is nonsense! He's obviously lost his mind!" The doctor shrieked, gasping. "I'm innocent. I demand a trial!"

"Toombs, you're sure it's him?" He knew they were supposed to bring this doctor in. But if he had done what Toombs had said… His hand tightened around his gun.

"I'm positive." Toombs snarled. "He watched with the rest of them while they kept me there, screaming. Begging them to kill me." His grip tightened on the doctor's throat.

"Shepard…" Ashley spoke up from behind him. He didn't answer her. _They fucking killed them. They killed all of them._ "You can't actually be considering – "

"Williams, join the others by the Mako." His eyes didn't leave the doctor, now scraping at the corporal's hand. _You fucking bastard._

"_What?_ Shepard, he could be innocent - "

"That's an order, Chief." A scoff, then footsteps falling towards the exit. The door swished open, then closed. He felt Garrus still present behind him.

"Let me do it, Shepard. Just walk away." Toombs was still staring at the doctor, hand not moving from his throat. "You walked away from this already. You got out with a few scars and a scary reputation. This is _all_ I have." His voice was desperate. "All I have left."

Anger and sorrow and regret washed over him. His fists clenched, the muscles through his arms taut with tension. It was all a set up. It wasn't some freak accident. This man had caused it. This man deserved to die as slowly and brutally as he allowed the unit to. But… The Alliance wanted the doctor alive. Making this choice… _Fuck!_ All he wanted to do was smash the doctor's face in. And really, the Alliance had helped cause this, hadn't they? They allowed Cerberus to exist. They allowed this to happen. Maybe not directly, but as always, they were too late. Too late in finding out what Cerberus truly was, too late in getting to Akuze, too late getting to Mindoir. _I couldn't stop it. I left them, all of them. I couldn't stop it, and they didn't try._

But the Alliance was all _he_ had left. Without the Alliance, he had no one, nothing except the anger and the loss.

"God damn it, just walk away, Shepard!" Toombs hissed. The doctor's face was turning blue. "You have no idea what they did. You have no idea… I have to do this. For the unit. I have to kill him for what he did."

"Toombs, you killed the rest of them?" He stepped towards the corporal. The man didn't look at him.

"No, not… They're dead. I sent the rest of these mercs to make sure of that." He spat, eyes narrowing.

"You didn't want to kill them yourself?"

"What? What the fuck does it matter, they're dead! Just get out of here, Shepard!" The doctor's struggle was weakening.

"Toombs, if you're alright with being a murderer, kill him. I won't stop you. You have every right. The fucker deserves it." Shepard growled, voice low and quiet as he watched Toombs clamp down again, cutting off a gasping breath from the small man. "But killing him won't bring them back, it won't change what they did to you."

"_You have no idea-_ "

"No, I don't. You're right, I got off easy. They think I'm some kind of fucking hero for abandoning you. For getting them killed. For…" Shepard rolled his neck. "If you don't want to kill him, he will be punished. He'll answer for his crimes and lead us to the rest of his disgusting fucking friends. And you don't have to be a murderer. The Alliance will help you get back on your feet."

"It was years, Shepard. They kept me there for _years._ How am I supposed to let go of that? Just fucking say okay and let him get away with murder? This asshole will weasel his way out of it. He'll get away, somehow. He almost did here because he had an informant." Toombs rambled manically, shaking his head. His grip loosened momentarily and the doctor fought for air. "They're everywhere, Shepard. Fucking Cerberus."

"Then help me take them down. Admiral Hackett is trying to find information on them – if this bastard knows anything, it could help him stop them from doing this again. We've already found some of their other sick experiments. We have to stop them."

Toombs looked away from the doctor and stared at Shepard. "You're trying to take them all out?"

"The Alliance is. I've eliminated a few bases, but we came to a dead end. This doctor could be our next clue." Shepard confirmed, and Toombs evaluated him for a moment, some inner battle raging in his wide eyes. The commander prayed his words were true, that the Alliance would commit itself to taking down the rogue organization. They couldn't get away with this.

The doctor fell away from Toombs as the corporal released him. The small man coughed and spluttered, reaching to his own neck to rub at the angry red. Toombs glared at him in disgust, and Shepard mirrored the action. _You should be dead._ "He has to go to trial. He has to pay for what he did. And Cerberus is fucking dead."

Shepard nodded. "There's no way in hell they're getting away with this, Toombs."

The doctor began to stand upright, eyes watery and wide. "You have no evidence! I demand a lawyer, I will not speak until my attorney is prese – " The Spectre moved forward silently, reached back an armored fist, and knocked it straight into the doctor's face. The small man did not get up. Shepard looked over to Toombs. Some of the rage was leaving his eyes, and the marine now appeared empty. He still held his gun, though it was lowered, shaking.

"Come on, Toombs. Let's get out of here." Shepard murmured quietly, stepping towards the man.

"Why?" When he gazed back at the commander, there was no hatred, no blame. Just emptiness. "What's the point? You have him now. I'm done. They're all gone and now… It was years, Shepard. I have nothing now. No reason." The man stared blankly at Shepard. "What's the fucking point, Shepard?" His gaze fell to his gun. Shepard took another step towards him.

"Toombs, we'll get you help. We'll figure it out. One day at a time." He reached out tentatively, resting a hand on the corporal's shoulder. "You're not in this alone. I'm not leaving you behind again."

Toombs looked back up at him, staring warily at the commander. The man was totally lost. They held like that for a few moments. "I can't stop hearing their screams…" He said weakly.

Shepard let out a shaky breath. _He had been so sick of the screaming. But it was the quiet that maddened him, after they all died._ "I know." He said simply. An understanding passed between the marines, then Shepard moved away silently. He hoisted the doctor over his shoulder, and led Toombs and a silent, watchful turian out.

xxxxxxxxxx

"So, rough day, huh?"

"Not now, Joker."

"Yep. Alright. But, you know, just in case you were in the chatting mood, Admiral Hackett is requesting a mission report." The pilot spun back around to his controls, avoiding the heated glare the commander hit him with.

Shepard was exhausted, his head was pounding, his muscles straining from the constant tension. He walked from Normandy's boarding entrance straight to the comm room, pounding his hand against the door control. _Why the fuck can't he wait?_ He strode across the room, punched in the commands, and soon the admiral's holographic form was in front of him.

"Shepard. Nice work with securing the doctor. Though the broken nose may have been unnecessary." Hackett's face, as usual, gave away nothing.

"Sir, can I do something for you?" Shepard strained to keep the hostility out of his voice.

"I was informed Corporal Toombs was dropped off with the fifth fleet along with the doctor." The admiral paused, watching Shepard for a moment. The commander simply stared back icily. "It could have gotten messy, Commander. I know it must have hard. But you handled the situation well." _Messy? It was beyond fucking messy. _"We'll make sure Corporal Toombs gets help coping with what he's been through, and we'll do our best to make sure justice is served for your unit."

Shepard bristled. "Permission to speak freely, sir?" He growled.

Hackett's holograph looked at Shepard curiously. "Granted."

"The Alliance's 'best' is what got them fucking killed in the first place. We need to do better. We need to take these fuckers out." His hands clenched the comm control. "Toombs deserves more. It's not about fucking coping, it's about making sure the bastards that did this won't do it again. That they pay for slaughtering my entire fucking unit. Cerberus needs to be destroyed, and the Alliance has to stop enabling them!"

"Commander."

"No! We can't let them get away with this again. We're supposed to be helping people, for fuck's sake! Instead, we hide this goddamn terrorist organization like some dirty little secret just because they were once black ops? What the fuck is that? We abandon our men to save face?"

"Commander, you need to calm down. Cerberus will be taken out. I am collecting everything I can to find their bases of operation. You bringing in the doctor will help with that. We're going after them as soon as we can."

"It's too fucking late!" He snarled. Hackett, of course, didn't flinch. He simply watched the commander. "It's always too late… _Fuck._" His hand slammed into the communications console. It still had a dent from the last time. He tried taking a deep breath, but the action was shaky.

"Commander Shepard, I suggest you get some rest." Admiral Hackett said in a tone that conveyed it was more of an order than a suggestion. "You've had a trying day. I'll keep you updated on our progress with Cerberus. Until then, focus on Saren."

Shepard lifted his gaze back to the admiral. "Yes, sir."

Hackett nodded. "And Commander, get a swear jar. Hackett out."

The holograph flickered out, and Shepard simply stood there, leaning against the console. Toombs had boarded the Alliance ship without a word to Shepard, simply glancing over his shoulder at his former squad mate then looking away again. Looking lost. The commander's hands curled around the control. He had just left the corporal again. Left him there with those military shrinks who were going to poke and prod and ask about his feelings. Shepard's stomach knotted and he pushed himself away from the controls. He opened the door and walked quickly around the corner and down the stairs. He boarded the elevator to the hangar, not bothering to go to his cabin to change. He needed to hit something. His breath was shallow and his heart was racing.

He should have just killed him. That man didn't deserve to live. Now he'd probably get off with some bullshit plea bargin… His fists clenched. _Why didn't I just kill him? Kill him, and let the Alliance handle their own stupid fucking politics._ The elevator door opened and Shepard strode across the hangar. Wrex was sleeping. The commander guessed it was late, but he'd lost track. Ashley was asleep too, he noticed. She had been silent on the way back from Ontarom. Of course, they all had, so that didn't say much. He reached the punching bag and started at it immediately. He knew he should leave, get some sleep, and let them rest instead of pounding rapidly on the large bag. But he couldn't just sit. All of it… it was too much. Toombs, Cerberus, finding out what really happened on Akuze. He grunted as a heavy swing impacted with the bag. It echoed through the silent hangar.

"Commander, odd time for some exercise, don't you think?" Garrus' familiar two-toned drawl sounded from behind him. Shepard took a deep breath, turning to face the turian.

"Sorry." He muttered, clenching and unclenching his fists. "Didn't mean to wake you up. Just a little restless."

"Don't worry about it, I wasn't sleeping either." Garrus surveyed him for a moment. "Want to spar?"

Shepard blinked, momentarily stunned. "What? Now?"

"That punching bag is going to be completely useless soon." The object gave a piteous creak as it swung back and forth to emphasize his point. "And it's been a while since I sparred a human, it'll be interesting."

The commander considered for a moment, but the tension still burning in his limbs convinced him. "Sounds good." He moved quickly to the middle of the hangar, a larger opening where it was easier to maneuver. He turned again to Garrus, and nodded.

The turian wasted no time. He was fast, long legs moving him quickly to the Spectre. Shepard barely had time to bring in his arm to block a jab aimed at his ribs. He managed to swing an elbow around to smash into the turian's mandible before receiving a quick uppercut in return. He stumbled back and grunted in pain, having bitten his tongue, but bull-rushed forward, slamming Garrus back and pummeling his flank.

The turian grunted, temporarily overpowered by the commander's bulky frame. But a jab to the gut had him reeling, and Garrus sensed his loosened grip and pushed back, slamming Shepard's jaw with another hit. The commander weaved away from a following punch, then lashed out with one of his own. He hit the turian square in the face, and Garrus stumbled back ever so slightly, mandibles flexing painfully. But he came back just as quickly, taloned fists flying at the commander. Shepard spent all his time blocking, trying to dodge the rapid hits Garrus was doling out. He managed a few swings here and there, being rewarded with a primal growl from within the turian's chest, but was finally stopped by another jab to the face.

Shepard stumbled back. The man spit out a mouthful of blood, drew in a breath, and held up his hand. He was exhausted. "You're fast."

"And you fight like a krogan." Garrus chuckled, prodding his mandible and wincing. "Spirits, that's going to hurt in the morning. Trying to ruin my good looks, Shepard?"

"Can't look much worse than it already does, buddy." Shepard grinned, the exhaustion washing away some of the stress of the day. Somehow being beaten down helped keep everything else at bay. The tangy iron taste of his blood filled his mouth again, and he spat once more.

"What the hell?" A groggy voice murmured, coming up behind Garrus. She stared at Shepard, taking in a no doubt ruffled appearance. She rounded on the turian. "What did you do!?" She hissed, coming between him and the commander. Garrus rolled his eyes.

"Oh, come on." He flanged. The soldier didn't back down, so Garrus waved to Shepard and headed off to his bunk. "I'm going to sleep. Good luck with this."

"Thanks for the help, Garrus." The turian offered another wave over his shoulder. Ashley turned to face him, brown eyes burning. Shepard sighed. "What?"

"Thanks for the help? He kicked your ass!"

"Well, I like to think I put up a bit of a fight." Shepard frowned.

"What? Why were you fighting?"

Shepard stared at her. "Ash, we were sparring. It was all friendly. I needed to relieve a little stress."

"Friendly? Shepard, you look like someone hit you with the Mako. Chakwas should look at you."

"I'm fine, Ash." The woman looked unconvinced. Shepard sighed, bring his hand up to rub his jaw but wincing at the contact. She crossed her arms.

"Shepard, you have to see Chakwas. You look like crap."

"Yeah, flattery gets you everywhere." Shepard growled, and stood up. "I'm not waking up Chakwas, it's late." _And no way in hell am I going to talk to her about Toombs. _"I'm sorry we woke you. I'll let you get back to sleep." He started to turn around, but the soldier grabbed his arm.

"You have to get that patched up. At least let me put some medigel on it, I have some at my station." Apparently, there was no 'letting' to it, as she dragged him towards her bench immediately. _Stubborn woman._ "Sit down." She pushed him down a little roughly into a chair, then bent to grab a packet of medigel and a first aid kit.

"Ash, really, I'm fine."

"Oh, shut up." Ashley grumbled, opening the packet. "Sir." She added, obviously a little grudgingly. Shepard frowned. She wasn't meeting his gaze, her brown eyes avoiding him. She dutifully started on his wounds, and he winced as she wiped a cut along his jaw with an antiseptic wipe. "That doesn't hurt that bad, you big baby."

"You're almost as bad as Chakwas." Shepard murmured, trying to lighten the woman. She simply rolled her eyes, but didn't say anything, moving on to another cut. "Ashley…" She didn't look at him, but pushed a little roughly at his bruised cheek. "Is something wrong?"

The soldier backed away a step, arms crossing again. He missed her proximity. "I don't know, Commander. You tell me."

_Shit._ "What do you mean?" He questioned warily. He didn't have any fight left in him.

"Was there something wrong with my actions on Ontarom?" _Oh._ Ashley glared at him.

"Ash…" Shepard's hand ran through his hair.

"No, I want to know. I want to know why I was dismissed while Garrus was allowed to stay." Her eyes were on his now, burning defiantly. She looked like she was wishing should could land a few punches on him too.

"I couldn't have anyone there questioning my decisions. Not on that."

"So I was just supposed to let you murder that doctor in cold blood, and not say a word about it?" She snapped furiously.

"If I had, no. You could have reported me, done whatever you had to do to ease your conscience. But I didn't. I got them both out. So what does it matter?" His voice was tired.

"It matters because you wanted to! You _wanted_ to kill him. And I think you were going to, if it weren't for your new vendetta against Cerberus."

"Of course I wanted to!" Shepard snarled. Ashley glared back at him steadily. "They butchered my entire unit. They sent those maws after us as a fucking experiment, a little test to pass the time and sate their curiosity." His head pounded with his heartbeat, a constant, throbbing pain. "I listened to them for days, Ashley. Them screaming, dying, too far down the tunnels to reach, and too far gone to be able to do anything… Then they were just quiet…" He stopped himself, looked up at the soldier. The anger had left Ashley's eyes. Shepard sighed, and shook his head. "I'm sorry. You know what losing a team is like, Ash. It was hard letting go of a man I knew was responsible. Making Toombs watch him walk out of there…"

Ashley took a step towards him. She hovered over him, then placed a hand tenderly on his injured cheek. "You did the right thing, Shepard. I know it had to have been hard leaving him hanging like that. But he'll have a chance to get some help, and the Alliance we'll be able to get Cerberus." Shepard leaned into her touch. It was a little painful, but soothing. He closed his eyes. "I guess I get why you wanted to do it… That would be a hard thing to let go of, knowing someone did it on purpose. I guess I'm just a little sensitive to commands I think are unfair. I always had the worst duties, the crap postings…"

"Because of your family?" Shepard opened his eyes. She met his gaze and nodded. "You know I wouldn't do that. You're a great soldier, Ash. I would have told anyone to leave if they started questioning me then. I had to deal with it in my own way."

Ashley watched his eyes, her brown pair warming minutely as he spoke. "Yeah, I know. Just paranoid, I guess." Her fingers tickled the edge of his hair over his brow. He made a contented sound, eyes closing again. He was so exhausted, and it felt so good. He savored the feeling of her fingers playing in his hair, her body radiating warmth so close to him, her smell… A cold dab of something hit him and he opened his eyes, frowning. "You were going to fall asleep in the chair. Had to wake you up somehow." Ashley wielded a cotton swab and the medigel, and laughed at his petulant glare. "Now, hold still. You really do need to get your face fixed."


	19. Chapter 19

"Evening, Commander." Kaidan slid into a seat across from him in the mess. Shepard offered him a grunt and a nod, his eyes not leaving the datapad in front of him. He took a long draw from his coffee and let it sink in, hoping the caffeine would spark some new insight on the information he was reading. He was damn tired. The bags under his eyes were puffy and dark, complementing the fading bruises from his spar with Garrus. His sleep since leaving Toombs had been restless. Each night was split between fits of waking where he searched, obsessed, _poured_ himself into Saren and into Cerberus, desperate for new information, and nightmares that were becoming two-toned blurs of screaming and deafening silence. He was always alone in them now.

Shepard sighed. He tossed down the datapad, making the lieutenant jump up from his rations in surprise. "Sorry." He muttered, and took another sip.

"No problem." Kaidan chuckled a bit, but the sound faded as he took in the commander's still surly expression. "Finding anything?"

"Nothing. Same as last night, and the day before. Wherever Saren is, he's doing a good job of hiding himself." Shepard grumbled. The rogue Spectre was out there somewhere, getting closer and closer to finding the Conduit and bringing about the destruction of all known civilization, and he was stuck here. Bitching about useless reports and bad dreams. "The Alliance was able to get a few leads out of the Cerberus doctor we found on Ontarom." His fists clenched. _Of course, they had bargained with him to get them. He'll probably get little more than a slap on the wrist for killing my unit and torturing Toombs. I should have killed him._ "Until they're able to confirm them and locate the base, however, we're just sitting and waiting." It was infuriating - being stuck here, unable to do anything. His hand ran through his hair and he sighed again.

Kaidan nodded quietly, seeming to ponder this. "No word from the Council?"

"None. Apparently we're on our own. The capture of a rogue Spectre doesn't seem to be a priority to them, despite the colonies he's hitting." _But they're only _human_ colonies. The Council couldn't bother itself with a strictly human matter – even if the geth and an advanced, apocalyptic machine race were involved. _

"They've got a lot on their plates. I'm sure they'll pass on anything useful if they find it." Kaidan said with a shrug. His voice was kind and genuine, as it usually was. They'd shared a few cups of coffee over the past few days, sometimes with the others and sometimes not. The lieutenant was easy company – quiet and unassuming. Sometimes they talked a little, Kaidan sharing about his biotic training, his family back on Earth, occasionally the odd piece of information about the crew and the goings-on of the Normandy. The biotic may be easy company, but Shepard felt more often than not Kaidan was recording what he said in order to dispense it at the nearest water cooler. Shepard solved this by simply saying very little, which he found no different behavior than usual.

Shepard studied the lieutenant for a moment. He had an unshaking faith in authority, always believing that those in power would do what's right. He was good, and despite the treatment he had received at 'Brain Camp', as he called it, he seemed to believe that generally people were good too. It was an idealism the commander wasn't used to from any but the greenest marines, of the young ones like Jenkins who were eager to simply be there. It was a nostalgic feeling, and refreshing to be around.

"God, I would love some bacon right now." The biotic muttered, pushing around an unidentifiable substance.

Shepard groaned and set down his cup. "Shit, I almost forgot about bacon. Where can you even get it out here?"

"The Citadel, probably. In one of those touristy human markets. First thing I'm buying the next time we land there. That, and beer. Uh, with your permission, Commander."

Shepard rolled his eyes. "I highly doubt you're going to get wasted and ignore your duties, Alenko. Granted. As long as I get one."

Kaidan grinned. "Yes, sir." Chakwas walked out of the medbay and settled her glare on him. He had skipped their sharing hour the last couple of days. She had been relentless with him after she hunted him down, having heard about his spar with Garrus, and simultaneously scolded and coddled him. She pushed him to open up, to talk about Toombs and the doctor and Akuze. He hadn't been very forthcoming. Finding Toombs, finding out he left someone in that hell… He didn't know how to say anything about that. He ran a hand through his hair, avoiding her gaze.

"Good. Now, since we don't have it now and this report isn't going to change no matter how hard I look at it, I think we should crack open that bottle of whiskey." The commander suggested tentatively. "I'd say we should invite Joker down, but I don't like the idea of him flying drunk. He distracts himself enough as it is." Shepard had recently discovered the pilot's love of the extranet's more illustrious websites after he walked up behind him one day. He made sure to make his approach more obvious after that.

"He's impossible." Kaidan chuckled, shaking his head. "But that sounds like a fine plan, Commander." The lieutenant grinned. Shepard nodded with a smirk and stood, taking the short distance to his cabin in a few strides. It might feel good to unwind a little, refresh his mind so he could get back in it with a better outlook. He felt so desperate.

He ducked in to his stash, retrieving the bottle and then moving back out to the mess to grab a few glasses. He sat one in front of the lieutenant and poured him a glass, then himself, before sitting back down. Shepard raised his glass to Kaidan, who smiled appreciatively.

The biotic raised his in return. "To the Normandy."

Shepard smirked. A good toast, the toast he had used with Ashley back at Flux. The memory lightened his spirits in a way memories only recently began to. Despite all of the shit, the stress, the constant pressure… he had never felt like he had belonged anywhere so much as he did here, with this crew. "The Normandy." He repeated, clanking his glass with Kaidan's. _The only home I know_. They both took a sip and let out _mmm_'s of appreciation. They sat a few moments in silence while they nursed the whiskey. Shepard relished in the burn.

"Looks like Garrus got you pretty good."

Shepard snorted. "That's an understatement. I'd hate to go up against him for real." He shook his head, smirking a little.

"Yeah, Ashley said you were pretty beat up." Shepard glanced at him curiously at the mention of the soldier. _When are they holding these secret meetings about me?_ "She was pissed." _Oh?_ Shepard frowned. "I get it though, needing to work out the stress. Sometimes you have to so you don't snap." Kaidan murmured. Shepard nodded, taking a drink. The lieutenant was evidently an insightful drinker. The other man closed his eyes for a moment, seeming to debate something. "I snapped like that, once. At Brain Camp." The biotic sighed. The commander couldn't suppress a curious look. "On an instructor. We had been practicing biotic exercises all day, it was brutal. There was this girl, Rahna. I… She was my friend. She was exhausted, could barely stand let alone continue. But Vyrnnus, this turian ex-military type, he was in the war and had it out for humans. She wanted a drink of water so he held it out for her. When she reached out, he broke her arm. Because she didn't take the water biotically." There was an old pain in the lieutenant's eyes. "So I snapped."

Shepard frowned. "I hope the bastard didn't get away with that."

"He didn't. I killed him." Kaidan murmured weakly, taking another drink. Shepard stared at him, shocked. "I went into a total biotic rage. Blacked the whole thing out. When I came to, everyone was running away from me. Vyrnnus was dead."

The commander looked down into his drink, swirling it once before taking a swig. "I'm sorry, Kaidan. That couldn't have been easy when you were so young..." Kaidan simply shrugged. "It sounds like he deserved it, though."

The lieutenant shook his head. "He was a jerk, no doubt. Maybe he deserved to die, but not by my hand. That's not justice, its murder." He took a drink. Both of their glasses were empty. "Rahna knew that. She wouldn't look at me after it happened, barely even said goodbye when I left."

"You were trying to defend her." Shepard frowned, his voice confused. Kaidan shrugged.

"I wasn't a defender to her. I was a murderer. Besides, she never felt the same way as I did about her." The lieutenant murmured. Shepard reached for the bottle and poured himself another glass, offered it to Kaidan with a look, and poured some in his as he nodded.

"That's rough." Shepard muttered lamely, setting down the bottle. "But Vyrnnus… You were young, and he pushed you too far. I'm sorry it turned out like that, with him and with Rahna."

"Yeah. It's in the past though, I've moved on." He took a sip, looking a little lighter. "Anyway, I don't think there's a risk of unrequited love on the Normandy." He grinned mischievously.

Shepard stopped himself from taking another drink. "What are you talking about?" _Who the hell together on the Normandy?_

Kaidan quirked a brow at him. "You know, Commander." He said, but Shepard's expression only became more suspicious. "You don't know. Huh."

"Don't know what?" Shepard questioned, again. He scolded himself for being interested in gossip. _This is pointless._

"This ship is like a giant incestuous family. Everyone's getting together." _Nice description there, Lieutenant. _"The crew, the team…"

"The team?"

"Sure. You can't tell me you haven't seen the way Garrus looks at Tali." Shepard's brows shot up. "Seriously, Commander?" The biotic gave the commander a disappointed frown. "Then there's Ashley." He said simply, taking a drink and rolling his eyes. Shepard felt his jaw clench. The lieutenant smirked. "And Liara is finally done being in love with you, so I think I might have a chance."

Shepard stared at him for a moment, floundering for words. "Wait. What did you say about Ashley?"

"Yeah, what _did_ you say about me, Scuttlebutt?" Kaidan flushed, taking a nervous drink. The soldier stood beside Shepard, rations in hand and eyes set in a steady glare at the lieutenant. "God, you're incorrigible! When are you going to stop butting into other people's business?" He shrugged a little, but the twinkle in his eye told Shepard he wasn't all together guilty. "And what are you two doing? Drinking on duty?" Her brown eyes met his, amused and daring as usual. "Shame on you, Commander."

"I've decided the Lieutenant and I have done enough today to deserve a drink or two." He smirked at her. "You are welcome to join us, Chief, if you don't think you'll have to report me for reneging my duties as your commanding officer." He stood up and pulled out a chair for her, gesturing widely as he did and grinning at her annoyed glare.

"Seriously, Shepard. I'm not a princess." She gave him the same exasperated look she always did, then slapped him on the arm before sitting.

"Wrex seems to think so." He chuckled as she glared at him, then strode to grab another glass for the soldier. He set it down in front of her, poured her some of the whiskey, and sat again.

"Wrex thinks everyone is a princess. Was calling Scuttlebutt one yesterday for some reason." She glanced at the biotic curiously, he chuckled.

"I was complaining about the water in the showers being too hot."

Shepard laughed. "He's a good guy."

"How can you know that? He talks about as much as you do. And he's a mercenary, for God's sake."

The commander frowned at Ashley. She was coming a long way, but she still was more wary of the alien squad members than the humans. "He is. He talked to me about the genophage, about how it's killing the krogan. I think he wants to do something to bring his people back to what they were." Shepard murmured thoughtfully. "Remember getting that armor back for him when we hit those pirates for the Alliance?" The krogan hadn't said much, but his eyes conveyed all the gratitude he needed to. "He's got a lot more going on in his head than he lets on."

Kaidan nodded. "He's definitely interesting. He's old, too, I think. He always mentions past battles like he was there. The things he's seen, it's really amazing to think about."

Ashley glanced between the two men. "Okay, okay. Wrex is just a big, toothy teddy bear. I get it." She set her eyes on Kaidan. "You need to stop talking to Liara so much, you're starting to sound like her."

"What? I am not."

"Oh, the Protheans, what they must have _seen_. It's so very, very interesting, don't you think, Commander?" She fluttered her eyes at Shepard, who laughed and shook his head.

"Well, even if I was, she's a nice girl, Ashley, and smart. Give her a chance." Kaidan implored her, frowning. Shepard glanced a little guiltily towards the medbay, hoping the asari wouldn't choose this moment to have dinner. Ashley just rolled her eyes.

"Girl is the operative word there, Scuttlebutt. Sure, she's nice and sweet and pretty, but she's not ready for this."

"Her biotics are." Kaidan shot back. Shepard couldn't help but agree. The asari, though not as controlled as Kaidan, was very powerful when she needed to be.

"When she's not fainting." Ashley laughed, taking another drink. Shepard grinned. _Ain't that the damn truth._

Kaidan simply rolled his eyes and decided it wasn't worth replying. Obviously, this was an old argument between the two. Ashley smiled, seeming satisfied her tenacious attitude had won her another the final word. She really was relentless sometimes. Shepard took a drink, watching as the soldier released her hair from its bind and shook it out. Realizing he was staring, still wearing an odd grin, he looked away quickly to find the lieutenant watching him with a quirked brow. He cleared his throat and drank some more.

"Your face doesn't look so crappy anymore." Ashley observed, keeping her face impassive but her voice betraying her humor. "No more late night pillow fights with the turian?"

"Oh, gee, thanks." Shepard snorted, rubbing at his jaw. "Nawh, I've got to step it up before trying it with him again."

"Getting old, Commander?" Kaidan grinned. Shepard rolled his eyes.

"I'd like to see either of you go at him. He's damn fast."

The lieutenant laughed, shaking his head. "No, thanks. Never been big on hand-to-hand myself."

"I could take him." Ashley announced smugly, taking a drink. She glared at Shepard's doubtful look. "I could! My sisters and I are all trained in hand-to-hand, courtesy of Dad. I can kick some ass. Garrus might be fast and have crazy talon-fingers, but I'm a grappler, and I don't have as much surface area as this." She waved her hand in a flourish around Shepard and his admittedly much larger frame. He frowned. "He wouldn't touch me."

"Uh huh." Shepard said, still doubtful. "Did you just call me fat?"

Kaidan laughed, obviously enjoying the show. "I'm sure the Chief wouldn't do that, Commander."

"Maybe just soft around the edges." She grinned devilishly. "Don't worry, sir. I'm sure you still get all the ladies."

"I'll have you know, this is one hundred percent muscle." He felt the need to hold up his arm and flex. Ashley laughed, and pushed down his arm with a soft touch of her hand. He smiled.

"Alright, Shepard. I think that's enough of the gun show for today." She rolled her eyes but continued smiling. Kaidan was glancing back and forth between the two of them, looking oddly conspiratorial. The soldier took a drink, looking a little curious suddenly. "Where'd you get the whiskey? Confiscate some from Adams?" Ashley questioned, grinning. Kaidan's eyes went wide and he shot her an obvious 'shut up now' look.

The commander frowned. _Engineer _Adams?"What?" Ashley took a long sip and looked away, apparently pretending not to have heard him. A glance towards Kaidan found the biotic studying the bottom of his glass intently. He grimaced deeper. "Fine." He rolled his eyes. "It's mine. I had some stashed away in my cabin."

"You have a stash?" Ashley quirked a brow, seeming a little amused by the prospect. "What else do you have in there?" She glanced curiously around the commander and at his cabin door.

"This and that. Nothing as exciting as this." He muttered, raising his glass and taking a drink. She mimicked the gesture. Shepard put his glass down, and found the woman still watching him.

"No, I doubt there's anything as exciting as this." Ashley's voice lowered. Shepard felt the new tone raise goosebumps down his spine. He glanced at the soldier, long lashes hooding her brown eyes. There was that look again, that daring, goading look paired with a sultry grin that stopped his heart. Until Kaidan cleared his throat.

"I'm going to hit the rack. Thanks for the drink, Commander." The biotic stood, smiling his genuine smile at Shepard before giving Ashley a critical look.

"'Night, Scuttlebutt." She waved innocently. Kaidan sighed and shook his head, before walking off.

Once he was out of sight, Shepard closed his eyes, running a hand through his hair. "Ash…" He said simply, his voice low and only mildly annoyed. _This woman._ "You can't do that."

"Do what?" She said coyly, taking a sip.

Shepard sighed. "Are you always so stubborn?"

The woman laughed. As always, it warmed him. "I am. I had to be, dealing with three younger sisters. You learn quick how to successfully butt heads."

The commander chuckled. "I can see that. You talk to them lately?"

She smiled. "Yeah, they're good. Sarah's breaking hearts all over. Found herself a new boyfriend already." She laughed. The love and pride in her voice filled him with a familiar tinge of jealousy. To have family like that, people out there to care about and that cared in return, no matter what… He hated to admit how badly he missed that. The closest thing he had was Anderson, but no matter what, his old captain wasn't his father. "Mom vidcalled the other day. She's not sure what to do with all of us growing up and moving out. Said she might take a trip to the Citadel soon, whenever I get my next leave. It'll be great seeing her." The soldier's eyes were warm and longing. She missed them.

"They sound like a good bunch." He smiled. "If Sarah's a heartbreaker too, though, you Williams sisters have a seriously unfair advantage." Shepard smirked, pulling himself out of that spiral of brooding. A grin spread across Ashley's face. "Strong, stubborn, and beautiful? I can see why you say your Dad had his hands full."

"Why, Commander, I think you're flirting with me. I thought we couldn't do that?" Her brown eyes twinkled. He laughed.

"What can I say? I think you're wearing on me." He smirked, but it changed into a look of surprise when she slid her hand into his, idly stroking his fingers. He looked at their interlinked hands, brow furrowing. _This woman… _A quick look around them told him they were alone in the mess. He met her gaze. _She's going to be the death of me._ "You don't back down, do you?"

She put on that sultry grin again. "Not if I can help it." Her eyes bored into his.

"Commander Shepard?" Joker's voice sounded over the intercom. The commander pulled away from Ashley's hand. The woman frowned. "Hackett's on the QEC. Again."


	20. Chapter 20

"Commander Shepard." Hackett greeted him in his usual monotone. Shepard nodded, arms coming to clasp each other behind his back. "We think we've found the location of Cerberus' main base. I want you to take them out."

"We're on it. Where are they?" He replied instantly. The commander was alert, pushed out of the mild whisky haze and at attention.

"Voyageur Cluster, on a planet called Nepheron in the Columbia system. I'll send over coordinates" Hackett said, straight to the point. Shepard nodded.

"We'll set off now."

"Good. Commander, be prepared for a strong defensive force. Cerberus knows you're coming – count on it. I know you have a personal stake in this, but don't let it make you rash." Hackett warned. Shepard glowered. _Real nice._

"We'll get it done, sir."

"Let me know when you do." Hacket replied simply, unimpressed as always by bravado. "Hackett out."

Shepard was filled with purpose. His stride towards the door was taken in just a few paces. He made his way across the CIC quickly, straight towards the cockpit. "Joker!"

The pilot jumped and spun around. "Holy shit, you need to stop that. You're like a freaking ninja!" He exclaimed.

"Set destination to the coordinates Hackett is sending over." Shepard replied quickly, ignoring Joker's comment. "Let me know our ETA."

"Alright, let me just recover from my heart attack first." The pilot mumbled, turning back to his controls and efficiently punching in new command codes. "Nepheron? What's there?"

"Cerberus HQ." Shepard growled, turning around quickly and heading back towards the lower decks. _Finally. We finally have something._ He took the steps down quickly. He knew he should use the time to grab a quick nap, replenish himself and get ready for the fight. But he was buzzing, filled with determination and anticipating the fight. _Those bastards are dead. _Having a destination, a set goal… Shepard rolled his neck heading towards his cabin. Having this sense of purpose made him feel better than he had in days.

"Hey, Skipper. Welcome back." Ashley called across the mess, standing by the sink after bussing their glasses off the table. She glanced over her shoulder at him and Shepard stopped in his tracks. He took the few steps back towards her, still rearing to go but momentarily distracted by her easy smile. "You look like you're on a mission. Admiral Hackett have something?"

"Skipper?" Shepard quirked a brow and grinned.

"Hey, it works. Better than Commander Asshole, so I wouldn't complain." She retorted, turning fully to face him and leaning against the counter and putting a hand on her hip. The commander laughed. "So?"

"They found Cerberus headquarters. We're on our way now." He pulled up his omnitool, receiving the time of arrival from Joker, and sent out alerts to the rest of the team. "You should get some rest. We're in for a good fight, and I'll need you at your best. We should be there by morning." He murmured distractedly, mulling over what kind of defenses they should be anticipating. When he looked back up, Ashley was smirking at him. "What?"

"Nothing. You just get this face when you're thinking really hard, your eyebrow starts to twitch a little."

"It does not." Shepard frowned, bringing a hand up to touch the eyebrow in question.

Ashley laughed. "I think I would know. You spend half your time with that face on." The commander rolled his eyes. "You need to lighten up every once in a while. Don't want to ruin your pretty face with wrinkles, do you?"

He blinked, stunned for a moment, then smirked. "Well, Ash, I'm flattered. You think I'm pretty?"

"Fishing for compliments, Skipper?" The soldier laughed. Shepard smiled, green eyes following her hand as it tucked some stray pieces of hair behind her ear.

"I'm just amazed a woman like you would spend so much time looking at me."

"God, that's terrible. You need to work on your lines." Ashley laughed, though a rare blush was coloring her cheeks. The commander smirked.

"Oh, I have much better ones. I'll be sure to run them by you for approval." He watched as she pushed herself away from the counter and took a few steps towards him. "Wouldn't want to get rusty out here in space and lose my game." Ashley rolled her eyes, stopping in her tracks and crossing her arms. _She didn't like that._ Shepard smirked.

"Glad to know I'll be helping you pick up chicks." She said, not bothering to hide her disgust. The soldier started moving towards the hall, exiting the mess. "I'm going to sleep."

Shepard snorted, and headed her off. "I was joking, Ash. I think you need to lighten up." His green eyes twinkled playfully. He felt younger with her, and the boost he received from discovering Cerberus headquarters still had him buzzing with reckless energy. The woman scowled at him and slapped his chest with the back of her hand. He laughed. "Come on. I didn't take you for the jealous type."

Ashley glared at him, brown eyes flashing. _Uh oh, that did it. _"I'm not jealous." She hissed stubbornly, pushing past him and boarding the elevator. Shepard stumbled a little, surprised by her force, and stood still for a moment looking after her. Making up his mind, he climbed in with her as the door began to close. Her scowl deepened and she decidedly looked anywhere but at the commander. _Why does this have her so angry?_ His brow furrowed in confusion.

"Ash, what's wrong?" Shepard murmured, watching her nervously. She was giving the wall an icy look. "Ashley? Look at me." She did, and it was venomous. He swallowed, his eyes widening a little. _Damn. _He ran his hand through his hair nervously. "Hey, I'm sorry. What did I say?" Nothing. He sighed, moving towards the elevator control. He didn't even know what this was between them, where it was going, where he wanted it to go... Shepard quickly keyed in a stop command and the elevator came to a halt. It would buy him a few minutes before the crew became curious – the elevator was ridiculously slow anyways, so this wouldn't raise any questions... Hopefully. He needed to know. "I think we need to talk."

"No, we don't, Commander. I think it's clear where we stand." The soldier bristled, crossing her arms again. _Huh?_

"I think you're going to have to enlighten me on that." Shepard muttered, arching a brow. She had been fine just moments ago. What was causing this?

"Joker told me all about your little escapades on the Tokyo, and before. I guess getting with a subordinate is just a new challenge, eh, Commander? Fooling around with me until our next shore leave?"

Shepard gaped at her, shocked again by her bluntness. _What the fuck._ It took him a minute to regain his composure, enduring the soldier's glare the whole time. "Ashley, that's not… What brought this on? You were fine a few minutes ago." He avoided her words, not wanting to touch on his past. It was bad enough Chakwas had him talking about his feelings. He didn't need it from Ashley too.

"You said it yourself. You're just playing me so you don't 'lose your game'. Real nice, Shepard."

"I told you, I was joking. It's not like you haven't flirted with me." This accusation didn't seem to faze the woman. She simply shifted, moving her weight to the opposite hip. "Is that really what you think I am? Some asshole that's just using you because you're convenient?" The commander growled, taken aback once more. At her lack of reply his hand rose again to run itself through his hair in exasperation. "Ash, it's not like that… Fuck. I'm killing Joker."

"He was just informing me of how much you've changed being around me. Obviously, he was wrong."

Shepard stared at her, her brown eyes fiery and full lips pursed in that 'don't fuck with me' way. What could he say to that? He knew it was never like this with other women. He had held an admittedly rapidly rotating door of various women following Akuze, all of them only serving one purpose. It had been easier that way. He wasn't big on letting people close and his job basically guaranteed a relationship couldn't develop, so he saw no need for any ongoing contact. But with Ashley… He had fun with her, respected her. She made him feel…different. And looking at her, his green eyes searching her brown… It wasn't something he understood, but he didn't want to let it go. "No, he wasn't."

"Excuse me?"

"Ash, those woman… They were vices. After Akuze, I was lost for a long time. I needed to feel something, so I drank, and I fought, and I slept with an unreasonable amount of women. They didn't mean anything. It's not right, but it is what it is." Shepard watched as her brow furrowed.

"And I'm supposed to believe I'm not just a vice too? I saw you come back after that night we all went to Flux, after you went to see that girl from your colony." Shepard winced as if hit, but the woman didn't back down. "You were bloody and drunk out of your mind. How can I believe you've changed if you still do that?"

"I'm trying to change." He said simply and sighed, slumping a little. "I'm far from perfect, and I'd understand if you want nothing to do with me. You don't have to believe anything, Ash. I'm not commanding you to do…whatever this is. If you don't want to talk to me, fine. If you want to leave, I'll give you commendations. But this…" Shepard scrambled for words, rubbing the back of his neck. "It isn't like that with you."

"What's it like, then?" Ashley retorted, but her eyes had softened fractionally. "I'm not just some stupid girl you can woo into bed with your title, Shepard."

"I know that. I'm not trying to…" He groaned in frustration, hands both mussing his hair this time. "You're more, Ash. You're beautiful, and funny, and so strong. You make me laugh, make me lighter. You make me want to be whole again. I haven't been this happy for a long time. Even dealing with the mission, with Edolus, with Toombs… You made it easier, just being there. I don't know what this is, but I don't want it to stop." He frowned, glancing up and finding her eyes wide. "I…shit." _Way to shut up, idiot. What the fuck did you just say?_ He looked at the ground, brow furrowed, then moved towards the elevator control and started it up again.

"Shepard…" Ashley spoke up, her hand coming to rest on his arm. He looked up again and found her closer. "Wow, I… I'm sorry. It's just, when Joker was talking, I thought he was just bullshiting. But then you said that, about upping your game… I'm not the jealous type, Shepard. But I guess I sort of get set off sometimes. I thought you were using me, and you thought you could get away with it, because of my grandfather and his status with the Alliance."

"Ash, I would never - "

The soldier held her hand up. "Yeah, I know. I know that now. I guess I just sort of didn't think you would want me. I mean, you can get anyone you want, looking like that and being who you are." Shepard frowned at her appraisal. "I'm just a soldier, you know?"

"You're a damned good one, Ash. And I don't think I want just anyone." He reached up, cupping her face with one hand and stroking his thumb over her cheek. Her eyes widened again, but she didn't pull away.

"Shepard, I need to think about this." She murmured, resting a hand against his chest and looking down at it. "Whatever this is going to be, you said it yourself, we'll be breaking some rules. And after Eden Prime, losing the 212… Being a marine is all I am. I can't lose that."

"That wasn't your fault, Ash. You know that."

"Yeah... I know." The commander frowned, recognizing the placating answer he had so often used. _She's not okay._ He fought the urge to draw her in. "Guess I have some baggage too, huh?" She looked up and offered a weak smile.

"Everyone does. The trick is finding a match set."

"Jesus, Shepard. Do you get this stuff off of greeting cards?" She laughed, and he grinned at her. The door began to open and Ashley quickly pulled away, smirking again. Shepard grinned and she brushed her hand against his before stepping out. He noted Wrex watching them curiously from the lockers, a toothy, all-knowing grin forming on his mouth.

"Ash, take as much time to think as you need. I'm not going anywhere." Shepard watched as she slowly backed away and nodded, smiling a little and still facing him. He sent a quick scolding look at Wrex, hoping to communicate to the krogan to mind his own business, before meeting her gaze once more. "Good thing this elevator started working again. We've got a Cerberus base to hit." Ashley rolled her eyes and turned around, starting to walk away. "Hey, Ash?" She glanced over her shoulder. "You know, my favorite color is beautiful."

"Shepard." She gave him a long-suffering look, a hand coming to her hip. "I'm tired. And beautiful isn't a color."

"Sure it is, it's the color of your eyes." He offered a winning smile and a wink. Ashley snorted and mumbled something he couldn't hear, rolling her eyes again as she walked back towards her station. Shepard felt light again. He felt ready to face whatever those bastards had to throw at them. Wrex was shaking his head, obviously having heard him making a fool of himself, but at the moment he didn't care. The elevator door shut and he was still smiling.

xxxxxxxxx

"So. Heard the elevator stopped when you and Ashley were riding down to the hangar." Joker commented, glancing over at Shepard in the co-pilot's seat. The commander had suited up, fully armored and ready for their approaching drop onto Nepheron. "Were you guys stuck in there for a while?"

Shepard met his gaze and shrugged. "Not too long."

"Oh, good. That must have been annoying. And weird, too, seeing as it was stopped with your command codes." Joker smirked, looking entirely too self-satisfied. His none-to-casual fish for information reminded Shepard of Ashley's original source of information.

"Yeah, it was weird. But it was fine, we chatted a little." The commander turned to pin Joker with an impassive stare.

Joker grinned. "Oh yeah? What about?"

"Well, a little about you. She said you two have been sharing stories about me." The pilot flushed and quickly looked back to his controls, obviously knowing exactly what Shepard was hinting at. The commander frowned. "Damn it, Joker. What the hell was that about? She was pissed."

"I didn't mean… She wasn't when I talked to her! _She_ was the one that came up looking for dirt on _you_. Who am I to deny a pretty woman?" Joker winced as the commander hit him with another glare. "She seemed fine with it when we were talking. She was just curious, you're kind of a hard guy to figure out, you know?" Shepard's brow furrowed. "Whatever she was pissed about, that's on you. I'd like to point out that she was perfectly happy when she left me."

The commander sighed, glancing into space and at the planet coming up before them. He had gotten a little sleep. It had been short, but sound and without any nightmares. He had forgotten what that was like. "Yeah. Yeah, I know."

"So, you two…?"

"Don't ask, Joker. You know I can't tell you." Shepard growled. Joker grinned, obviously satisfied by this answer and twisting it to whatever interpretation he wanted. "And if you tell anyone about this…"

"Hey, who do you think I am, Alenko? I've got your back, Shepard." The Spectre rolled his eyes. "Alright, I'm bringing her in. We'll be ready to go in 30. Garrus said the Mako is prepped and ready for launch."

Shepard nodded and stood. "Thanks, Joker." He mumbled and strode across the CIC, stopping only to put Pressly in command, the man serious as always. He took the stairs quickly, his elevator ride less eventful than the last. He stepped out to find his team waiting, all of them armed and ready. He looked them over, standing outside the Mako and chatting amongst themselves, and felt himself smile. They came from all corners of the galaxy, such differing species, but in this squad they worked together. Even Ashley was there, talking to Tali with a smile, no reluctance to be near her alien squad mates. Kaidan looked over, noticing him watching them, and cleared his throat with a grin.

"Commander. Ready to go?" The biotic said with a quick glance to Ashley, who glared at him. They all looked to him as he approached, waiting for orders. His team.

Shepard nodded. "Garrus, you're on the gun again. You all can fight for shotgun, but I'm driving." He grinned as they all looked at each other in dismay. "This drop is going to be fast. These bastards probably know we're coming and they'll have defenses ready. We've seen what Cerberus is capable of, so be ready for a fight." He glanced towards Tali. "Tali, I want you focused on data recovery. We need to know what they've been doing and why. These experiments must have a reason, and if they have any bases still operational, we need to put a stop to them." The quarian nodded enthusiastically, and Shepard grinned. He felt good, determined and ready. They were going to take them down. Finally, they were going to pay for what they did.

"We'll strike fast and quiet. Kaidan, Liara, keep up barriers and focus on enemy biotics. Cerberus has a lot of them and I don't want Garrus to whine about another warp to the gut." The turian snorted and shook his head. "Wrex, you do what you do best." Wrex grunted, and gave Shepard a toothy grin. _Simple enough. _"Ash, keep with him and provide cover fire. Don't worry though, Garrus and I won't let them reach you." The commander smirked at the turian, who returned his expression with a flutter of his mandibles. Ashley snorted and shook her head, giving a mock salute in acknowledgment. "After this, there's not going to be a Cerberus. We've all witnessed what they do to their subjects in these 'experiments'." He growled, moving towards the Mako. _They're dead. For Toombs, for Jamie, for everyone on Akuze. _"We're going to show them what the Alliance and the Council does with terrorists. Everyone, pile in. We're ready for launch."


	21. Chapter 21

Shots were firing everywhere.

Ashley grunted and fired back, picking off one, then two Cerberus commandos. She dashed forward to another cover point and ducked down. A twisting ball of bluish light shot over her towards a charging Wrex. He shot back his own warp and only trampled faster, knocking down his assailant with a crunch. Ashley panted. There were so many of them. Kaidan and Liara were keeping them covered, the worst of the biotic attacks held off by barriers and stasis fields. Shepard and Garrus were making their way around the perimeter, sniping out the meanest looking targets with precision shots. She was left the grunts – the tenacious little fighters that made it past their outer lines and ran for her and Wrex, shouting the usual threats of destruction. Their enemy was single-minded, fearless - they were throwing their lives away.

The soldier peeked around her cover and let out a quick blast. The Cerberus troopers were dwindling, and they had almost made it to the center of the base. Tali blasted a biotic in the gut and ran for a terminal quickly, the quarian so small she was easily overlooked when a bellowing krogan was in their midst. Ashley grinned as the small woman opened another door. She really was a whiz with any tech they encountered. Shepard appeared suddenly - Ashley realizing just then she had lost track of him, he was seriously too good at the whole infiltration thing - and ran through the opened door, waving for the squad to follow. The few remaining Cerberus soldiers were shot down and the team complied.

"Anyone hit?" Shepard called as they all stood in a hall. There was a series of headshakes and the Spectre grinned and turned around, heading towards a nearby door. He still had that determined look on his face, like nothing mattered except taking these people out. He was moving faster than usual, rushing them through the facility. It was wearing on the team. Ashley frowned. They were doing well, but if they kept at this pace… "Alright, weapons ready. I don't think they're done just yet." He sounded a little hopeful, like he was counting on them still being there, enjoying his hunt too much to give it up just yet.

When they first left the Mako, he had practically jumped out, gunning down the few Cerberus soldiers left with a deadly expression. It was beyond the usual efficiency he usually displayed in combat. There was hatred in his eyes – cool and calculating and far too satisfied when he saw his enemies fall. Ashley knew he wanted revenge. She understood why, after hearing what they did on Akuze. But this… She couldn't help but think that he was treating every one of them like he was having a second chance with that Cerberus doctor. The soldier lifted her assault rifle, preparing herself as the door swished open. And the room was empty.

Ashley followed the rest of them in, walking in with a constant eye on their six. Something was up. From the grimace on the commander's face, it was clear he thought so too.

"Garrus, Kaidan, Wrex, keep an eye on the hall while we look around." The three nodded and headed back out, covering their entrance. Shepard mulled around the room, glancing over this console and that, occasionally kicking open a locker to see if there was anything worth taking. "It looks like they cleared this place out already. Tali, anything there?"

"I'm trying to hack it. It was definitely wiped, but I may be able to find some trace files of what was here." The quarian warbled, fingers flying over the holographic keyboard. Ashley shifted, both Liara's and her eyes following the commander as he paced the room, his face holding a grimace that was beginning to deepen. The soldier sighed, watching him worriedly. His hand came up and ran through his hair, disturbing its already wayward appearance. He always did that when he was stressing about something. One of his many nervous ticks. _Why do I know that about him? _

"Think they knew we were coming?" Ashley mused, knowing the answer but not liking where her train of thought was going. It was all too much then. Before, it had been easy with Shepard, just a little harmless flirting. She knew she was obviously attracted to him. It was hard not to be, with those broad, muscular shoulders and that chiseled jawline. But then he went and said what he said in the elevator, sounding like one of her Dad's sappy poets… _Oh, you're in it now, Williams. _The soldier frowned.

"Yes." Shepard growled, fists balling up. "They cleared everything out. The force they left behind must have just been to get rid of us." His voice was grinding. "Damn bastards got away. Again." The soldier glanced over at Liara, who shifted nervously and watched the commander with an apprehensive expression

Ashley frowned and walked up beside him. "And we'll find them. Again. We're closer than we were and we've got them scared. Don't worry, Shepard. They're not getting away." She murmured. His green eyes met hers, burning with frustration and rage. It was clear he wasn't so sure, but he offered her a placating, appreciative nod, then looked up quickly as there was a shuffle in the hall.

"Shepard." The call came from down the hall, and the krogan came into view, dragging a Cerberus soldier by his neck.

"Wrex?"

"Found this pyjak trying to hide in a weapons locker." The soldier whimpered as the krogan tossed him at Shepard's feet. "Figured you might have some questions, so I didn't introduce him to my shotgun."

"Appreciated, Wrex." Shepard growled, looking down at the Cerberus man with a wrinkled nose that conveyed his growing disgust. The commander watched the man for a moment, looking around at the team nervously. He looked young. "Who are you?" Shepard asked, voice deadly quiet. The Cerberus soldier didn't answer, trembling and avoiding his gaze. The Spectre knelt down and grabbed the man's face a little roughly. "_Who the fuck are you?!_"

"Mortensen. My name is Mortensen." He struggled out, fighting to move his mouth with the commander's armored glove clenching down on him. The young man's eyes were wide.

"What were you doing here?"

"I'm just a guard. I don't know what they were working on." Mortensen's voice was high. His eyes were darting to each of Shepard's crew, assessing his risk. They found Ashley's, and the woman frowned. This boy was terrified. "Please," He begged, looking back to a still furious Shepard, "Please, I just joined up. I'm just a guard." He repeated, his voice pleading.

"What did you see?" The Spectres voice was menacing. The young man flushed.

"Nothing! I told you, I'm just a guar- "A foot impacted with Mortensen's stomach. He coughed and whimpered.

"You don't guard a door and see nothing. What were they doing here?" Shepard hissed. Ashley watched him uneasily. She had witnessed him begin to lose control before, but this… He hoisted Mortensen up from his crumpled over state. Ashley took a step closer, trying to get a better look at the Spectre's face. His neck was taut with tension.

"I don't know." The kid spluttered. "I guess they brought in these spike things once, then some people. They were civilians, I think. I didn't see them again." Shepard's face screwed up into a silent snarl. "But I heard some shouts and some moaning from one of the back rooms… A couple of the other guys were called back there. When they hauled them out, it looked like they had been mauled."

"Husks?" Liara supplied, her eyes wide and voice shocked. "Why would they do that?"

Mortensen's voice was gasping. "Please, I swear. They kept everything really quiet, secret. We weren't allowed near the scientists. I don't know what they were doing, I just came here for the money." He was thrown roughly to the floor. Shepard paced for a moment. The Cerberus soldier followed his every movement anxiously, his jaw working nervously, as if chewing on his cheek.

"Where did they go?" The Spectre asked finally, turning to face the young man again.

"I don't know. They don't tell – " Shepard hoisted him up by the collar of his armor. Mortensen panicked. "I swear, I don't know, I don't know!"

"Like fuck you don't. You let them leave you here to die without asking any questions? If you were that ready to die, you wouldn't have hightailed it into that locker." The Spectre snarled. Ashley couldn't see the usual bright green around his eyes. They looked black, his pupils dilated in rage. A fist crashed into the kid's face and the young soldier was on the floor again, a tooth shot from his mouth.

"Shepard!" Ashley gasped, taking another step forward. This was going too far. He didn't look at her.

"You're going to tell me where the fuck your little buddies went, or I'm going to bash your face in." His voice was low and quiet. The Cerberus soldier lifted his hand, wiping away some blood from his lips.

"Please, I don't know. I didn't think we were going to die, they said it was just a small squad coming. We thought it would be easy." He inched backwards, but the Spectre loomed over him. "Please, I can't! If they find me -"

"You can, you little shit. What they're going to do is nothing compared to what I will if you don't tell me_ where the fuck they went_." Shepard hissed, reaching down again for the man.

"Commander, stop!" Ashley shouted quickly. She wasn't about to stand by and watch torture, no matter what Cerberus had done. They weren't like them. That's not what the Alliance stood for. "Back off. We need to bring him in for formal questioning."

"Back off?" The Spectre snarled, dropping the boy again. "Do you really fucking think they backed off with Toombs? With Kahoku? These bastards deserve _anything_ I throw at them." His gaze was fiery, but Ashley made sure to meet it with equal intensity. This wasn't right. He couldn't let his need for revenge drive him to this kind of treatment. "You heard him. They're taking civilians, turning them into husks for fuck knows what reason. I'm not going to let them get away with this!"

Ashley glared back at him. "We don't know if he was involved in that. You don't get to be the judge in this." She hissed back, her tone strong and even. "We need to bring him to the Alliance for trial."

The commander's eyes blazed, but his retort was cut off by a gasp from Liara. "Commander, he grabbed something!" The asari ran forward towards the young soldier and Shepard spun around. Mortensen had grabbed his lost tooth and tossed it back in his mouth, his expression full of terror. Ashley's eyes widened.

"Fuck!" Shepard jerked open the kid's jaws, but he was already beginning to convulse. His eyes rolled back and his mouth foamed. "_Fuck!_" The Spectre dropped him with a snarl. Mortensen twitched a few times, then went limp.

Ashley felt the blood drain from her face. "Oh God…" She murmured, eyes wide. She stared at the now dead young man. He had been so scared. He had run. He didn't want to fight them. He hadn't wanted to die. But for some reason he was more terrified to talk, more terrified of Shepard and the consequences of telling him what he wanted to know than he was to die. _What the hell is going on with this organization? Who hands out suicide pills to their guards?_

Shepard slammed his hand into a wall and Ashley watched him, her mouth set in a grim line. He was out of control. The mission was a failure, and he knew it. They had talked about some baggage, but the way he handled this, the way he treated that kid like he was solely responsible for his unit… Baggage seemed to be a serious understatement. "This is just fucking fantastic." The commander growled, apparently unfazed by the dent he left as he spun around and walked back towards Mortensen. The look he gave the dead man was eerily blank.

"…Commander?" Tali's voice was almost a whisper as she walked towards them, hands twisting around each other nervously. "I'm done hacking their system. I was able to extract some data. The server had some last-defense measures and it purged itself, but I was able to upload almost everything I uncovered to my suit." Shepard was watching her evenly. She shifted from foot to foot. "I can begin decoding it back on the Normandy. Maybe we can find out more from there?" Her warbling voice was hopeful, the bright young woman trying as usual to remain optimistic.

Ashley watched the Spectre as he stared for a moment at the quarian, took a deep breath, then nodded. "Alright." He murmured. Tali slumped in relief. "Alright, good job, Tali. Let's move out." His voice was stronger, but everyone seemed to hesitate, eyeing the commander as if he were to explode again. Only Wrex, still leaning in the door frame, had appeared uninterested in the events and headed back down the hall at Shepard's order. The commander met Ashley's gaze, giving her a stern, calculating look. She stared back evenly.

Shepard turned away and walked out. Ashley let out a breath she didn't realize she was holding. Was this who he was? He had looked vicious, ruthless with Mortensen. Now, he was back to being cold, rippling with unnerving tension. He had none of the usual warmth present that she was now used to from him. _This is who you want, Williams? Really?_ She frowned, then started walking after the Spectre. They met up with Kaidan and Garrus in the main room, the two assessing the grim looking group curiously. Shepard simply waved them forward, his stride not slowing.

"What happened?" Kaidan whispered as they approached the entrance. Ashley shook her head and walked farther forward, coming up directly behind the commander. She wasn't in the mood to rehash the details to the lieutenant. Shepard hit the door control and moved outside immediately, not bothering to check they were behind him.

A shot fired.

Ashley's gun was up instantly. Shepard stumbled back. He grunted a little, brows furrowing in surprise. There was a second shot. He stumbled again and clutched his stomach. His omnitool lit up as he released medigel through his suit, his face now registering his situation. Ashley ran forward and pulled him back into the building, but he shrugged her off and peeked around the corner. The Spectre was hoisting up his sniper rifle, following the track of the bullet. A shot hit the side of the building near his head.

"Shepard, get down!" She shouted, but he just kept looking in his scope. His gun stopped searching, and he drew in a breath.

"Got you now, fucker." He murmured and exhaled. His finger squeezed the trigger. Ashley looked for a hint of his target, unable to see if it was a hit. Garrus had come up beside them, his rifle out as well.

"Nice." The turian answered her question and she glared at him. This was hardly the time for ego stroking. Garrus ignored her. "I don't see any more. Must have been a straggler." The commander nodded a little weakly as he lowered his rifle, but stumbled back again. Ashley moved forward to catch him. He spluttered out a cough into his fist, a bit of blood coming out onto his gauntlet.

"Jesus, Shepard!" Her heart raced and she glanced down in horror at the two holes piercing his stomach. Garrus had followed her gaze, his mandibles twitching nervously. He moved forward to help her with him.

"It's fine. That's what medigel's for." Shepard grumbled, but he slumped forward, the adrenaline draining from him.

"That is not what medigel is for, you idiot! We need to get you to Chakwas now." She started forward towards the Mako, Garrus carrying him with her, one of the commander's arms over each of them. Shepard frowned.

"It's not nice to insult your commanding officer, you know." Shepard muttered weakly, stumbling along with them. Color was leaving his face.

"I can think of a lot worse things to call you, Shepard." Ashley searched his face. His eyes were fluttering. The soldier frowned and quickened her pace. He wasn't registering pain, and if he was in shock and he blacked out… "Come on, don't you pass out on us. You're too heavy to carry."

There was a weak chuckle. "Are you calling me fat again?"

"God, you're impossible. Come on, we need to get you in this truck." She and Garrus struggled trying to hoist the heavy, armored man into the Mako. Wrex moved forward and lifted him effortlessly. Shepard coughed again, trying to sit up and glare at them. Ashley leaped in the back with him, kneeling and putting his head in her lap. Kaidan hovered over his wounds, patching what he could with medigel. The commander frowned, trying again to sit up and causing more blood to flow out onto the floor. "Damn it, Skipper. Sit still." She pushed his head back down and he glared up at her petulantly, but stopped as she stroked her fingers through his dark hair. His expression softened and she felt something in her twist as his green eyes captured hers.

_Oh no. You don't get away with this that easily._

The soldier tried to steel herself to him, to stay wary. This was the man that had just beaten a prisoner in interrogation. He was ruthless, so full of rage and hate it made her nervous at times. But now, and last night… He was lighter. It made him appear younger, the shadows under his eyes not seeming so dark, the scars on his face not in such stark contrast to his tanned skin. She swallowed nervously, pulling away from his gaze to catch Kaidan giving her a scolding look. She knew he disapproved, but he wouldn't say anything. He was too good of a friend. And what would he even say? She knew Shepard had some kind of feelings for her, but how could she care about a man who was so at odds with what she believed? So at odds with himself, even?

"Kaidan, call Joker for a pick-up, would you?" Shepard muttered. He choked out a cough again. Ashley's eyes instantly darted back to him, full of worry. She cursed herself as Shepard smirked. He was looking a little too self-satisfied. The rest of the team had piled in, all of their eyes on the commander. His smirk faded and he winced as Kaidan applied pressure to his gunshots, having finished applying medigel. He sighed. "I guess someone else can drive."


	22. Chapter 22

**Thanks everyone for following this story so far. I hope you're all still enjoying it! As always, any comments and critique you have are welcome and appreciated.  
The poem mentioned in this chapter is 'I Have Lived with Shades' by Thomas Hardy.**

**xxxxxxxxxx**

Something was prodding his stomach. The pain woke him more than the voices, and he winced a little as there was another push. Shepard opened his eyes and steeled them with an accusatory glare as he searched for his assailant.

"Welcome back, Commander. I'm just checking how you're healing." Shepard frowned at the doctor. Chakwas removed her hand and gave him an indulgent smile before turning away. "Everything looks good. I was able to remove the bullets that were preventing the medigel from healing you properly, but you lost a lot of blood. You'll have to take it easy while your body replenishes it." Shepard started to sit up, but let out a grunt as pain shot through his abdomen. "As I said, you'll have to take it easy." Chakwas chided, turning back to him.

"I need to file a report to Hackett, and check in with Tali. I'll take it easy later." He growled back. He tried again to sit up, but winced. _God damn Cerberus and their sneaky fucking snipers. _A hand pushed him down, resting on his bare chest. He followed it up to find Ashley standing to his right, brown eyes serious. It was then he realized her other hand was in his, squeezing gently in warning. _Crap. _A quick look over at Chakwas told him she found nothing odd about the soldier at his bedside, her expression still as professional as ever.

"You need to rest, Commander. Everything else will wait." Chakwas corrected him, picking up a few bloodied pieces of gauze. "Chief Williams here has kindly volunteered to make sure you stay in bed. Good night, Commander." The doctor dismissed herself smoothly and left the medbay, walking out the door towards the crew quarters. Shepard glanced at Ashley. Her eyes were wandering over his chest and abdomen, a finger absentmindedly tracing one of his scars.

"Knife in a bar fight." He answered her unspoken question with a smirk, causing her to look at him with a gaze so full of spite he wished he would have stayed quiet. _Oh, shit. _He regretted it even more when she pulled her hands away.

"What the hell were you thinking, Shepard?" She hissed. _Woah._ "You could have gotten yourself killed! Why would you just run out in the open like that without checking we were ready on your six?"

"Ash, we cleared the perimeter before we went in. We missed one. It happens." He said weakly. Her eyes blazed.

"Not with you. Your head wasn't in it, and you know it. You wouldn't have let someone slip by and set up an ambush otherwise." Shepard frowned at her observations. "And what you did to that Cerberus guy, Mortensen? Jesus, Shepard. Since when have you started to resort to beating up kids to get questions answered?"

Shepard glared back at her, fists clenching as he struggled to prop himself up. _That's what this is about?_ "That _kid_ was a Cerberus soldier. I'm damn sure he knew full well what kind of organization he worked for, and he had information that could save innocent people from getting hurt. He chose not to answer me." She glared right back at him, her mouth set in as hard a line as it had been back on Nepheron. "They're killing people, Ash. Torturing people. I'm not going to just fucking let them get away with it."

"So it's just whatever it takes? The ends justify the means?" The soldier spat back. "He didn't represent them all, Shepard. He was terrified, so terrified he killed himself and we didn't get the information anyways!"

"He would have used that pill the minute he got into Alliance hands! I had him talking. He would have kept talking if you wouldn't have stopped me!" Ashley pulled back as if slapped. Shepard didn't stop. "Damn it, Ash. You didn't want me helping Liara, you wanted me to kill the Rachni queen, but one Cerberus soldier hits your soft spot? I mean, fuck. What do you want from me?"

Her eyes had settled into a frosty stare. "I wanted you to be _that_ man." She said simply. "The man that showed compassion for Liara, and for the Rachni, even though they might be a threat later." Shepard frowned. Ashley trapped his gaze. "_You_ showed me how important it was to look past a person's appearance, past the actions of those like them and judge them as an individual. Mortensen didn't kill your unit, Shepard. He didn't torture Toombs." Shepard felt his throat constrict. _Fuck. _As always, she didn't hold back."He didn't want to die. He ran, rather than fight us." Ashley stood from her chair. "You scared that boy so much he didn't think he had anywhere to turn. Don't you dare try to blame that on me." The soldier started to turn away. As seemed to be becoming their custom, he grabbed her wrist to stop her.

"Ash, wait." She pulled away from him. He sighed, then grunted as he fought to get up, pain lancing through him. He stood and caught her again, stumbling a little and clutching pathetically at his stomach as he took a step. _Damn. Mostly healed my ass. _"Ash, please. I… I'm sorry." He knew it was a cop out, but he didn't know what else to say. He didn't want her to leave like this.

She spun around and her eyes widened when she found him standing. "Damn it, Shepard, stop being an idiot!" The soldier pushed him back on his bed a bit roughly and he grimaced with pain. "What is wrong with you? Do you enjoy getting hurt or something?" Her hand pushed again on his chest so he was lying down. He tried to sit back up, so she shoved more forcefully. "I mean seriously, look at you! You have more scars than any marine I've seen. Do you enjoy taking hits, or are you just stupid?" _Very nice._

"Ash – "

"No. You are just that stupid." She accentuated her point by shoving him down again. "Why didn't you get in cover, Shepard? Did you really have to show off how tough you are in front of everyone by sniping that guy?" Ashley's eyes were still burning. "You were _shot. _You should have stayed down. Did it really have to be you that got him?"

"Yes." He caught her hand and held it against his chest. The soldier's brow furrowed. "Yes. Ash… All I wanted to do was wipe that place from the face of the universe, and all of Cerberus with it. You're right. I lost my head, and I'm sorry. It was just so… infuriating, finding out they were getting away. Again. And then Mortensen was there." Shepard sighed. "Like you said, he was just the perfect outlet. I know he didn't do it himself, it wasn't him that hurt Toombs, killed my unit..." His throat clenched and he paused a beat, breath refilling his lungs. "I was just so damn mad. And he wasn't answering my questions…it was like he was trying to get away with it. I couldn't take it anymore. I lost control." Her eyes had lost some of their heat, but he wasn't sure that the apprehension that filled them now was better. She was looking at him like he might shatter. He let go of her hand in favor of running it through his hair. "Then he killed himself, because of me, and we lost our best lead on finding the fuckers, because of me." Ashley's hand didn't leave his chest. "All I wanted to do was get out of there. I wasn't thinking, I was being reckless. Then that sniper got me. I was still so angry, and I had to do something. I had to not feel so helpless. I hate feeling helpless."

Ashley's hand trailed down his chest to the new twin scars on his stomach. The touch was soft, lingering. He inhaled a little sharply. "Shepard, you could have died. You bled so much…" She moved her hand so she was covering the wound with her hand. It definitely didn't hurt. "You can't keep doing this. You need to keep your head on, or you're going to get yourself killed."

"Yeah, I know."

"No, don't give me that. I'm serious." Ashley glared at him. She had a face on that reminded him eerily of one of his old drill instructors. "You're our Commander, Shepard. We need you in this one hundred percent. You're throwing yourself around like you're nothing, getting yourself hurt… I mean, God, Shepard." She sighed in exasperation. "You really don't get it, do you? This whole team – the only reason we work together is you. They respect you, they follow you. Then you go and act like that, disregard your command and pretend you're in it alone, and you throw that all away." Shepard blinked at her, a little dumbfounded. "Without you, we don't know what to do. You can't lose control, you can't put yourself needlessly at risk. We need you, Shepard, all of you, if we're going to do this."

The commander was silent. Her words sent chills through him and he looked away, unable to meet her gaze. He felt equally ashamed and inspired. What could he say back to that? He had been neglecting his duties, forgetting about the welfare of his team and their mission in favor of settling a personal vendetta. He had let them down. He was a the commander of one of the finest ships in the Alliance, the first human Spectre, and he had allowed himself to be so caught up in his own bullshit that he forgot to act like it. "Thank you." He murmured, glancing back to her. She quirked a brow. "For being here. For putting things in perspective."

"Yeah, well, maybe just don't be such an idiot next time, Skipper. I would've just kicked your ass if you didn't have a tummy ache." Ashley glared at him, but her lips twitched as she fought a smile. Her eyes looked back down to his body. "You know, I don't think you've heard of dodging. You'd think someone trained in infiltration would be able to sneak past a few bullets." Shepard snorted and shivered a little as her hand moved absently towards a scar wrapping around his side. She looked at it curiously, the raised edges and uneven lines probably foreign to her.

"Thresher maw." He murmured shortly, and her brown eyes lifted to his in understanding. Her fingers traced it to the point it disappeared behind his back.

"It goes all the way around?" Her tone was a lot gentler than he was used to from the soldier. He shifted a little, and nodded. "It looks like it was painful." She observed quietly. When he said nothing in reply, she seemed to sense his discomfort and brought her hand back up to his chest, tracing a faded line over his pecs. "This one?"

Shepard glanced down. "Not sure, actually. Think that was in N7 training." She nodded, continuing her quest with a thoughtful look on her face. "You know, Chief, if I didn't know better, I'd think you were enjoying touching me."

Ashley laughed , and the sound was beautiful. "It's a good thing you do know better then, Skipper." Her nail trailed a line down to a bullet scar, leaving an exquisite trail of goosebumps in its wake. His breath hissed in through his teeth. "I'm still mad at you, you know." She smirked up at him, her brown eyes heating with a different kind of intensity than earlier.

"Oh?" Shepard heard his voice go low. She was weaving a maze across his front, dragging her nail from place to place. It was maddening. "And you intend to torture me into future compliance?"

"Something like that." Her hand left and he frowned, meeting her laughing brown eyes with a petulant glare. He reached out and grabbed it again. Ashley smiled, but her expression became more serious. "Shepard, if we do this, I need to know you're not going to lose control like that."

Shepard was silent. His green eyes narrowed a little, testing the weight of her words. "Ash… I don't know if I can promise that." Ashley frowned. "I'll try. I'll do whatever I can. But this… It's not something I can just stop. Chakwas said I have problems coping or some bullshit." Ashley frowned deeper and rolled her eyes. "All I know is I'm angry, almost always. And that's better than…It doesn't matter." Shepard ran a hand through his hair. "_'I have lived with shades so long, and talked with them so oft…._'" Ashley's brows shot up in surprise.

"Is that Hardy?"

The commander nodded, allowing himself a small smirk. "You're not the only one who gets to have a sensitive side." He ignored the roll of her eyes. "Ash, I promise, I'll try. I'll figure out how to control this, but while I do... All I know is you're helping, making me feel more than just this damn hate. You make it easier, you pull me back. I…" Shepard frowned a little. _Oversharing a little there, champ. _"Just… I want you here, if you want to be."

Ashley smiled a little. "Very eloquent, Skipper. I think you should stick to the poetry." Shepard frowned and she laughed a little, her hand coming up to run over the scruff on his jaw. "I'm not going anywhere, Shepard. But I still need time."

Shepard nodded, then grinned. "If I remember correctly, Chakwas put you in charge of babysitting me tonight." Ashley rolled her eyes. "You better sit down then. Never know when I might start to get uppity and escape." The woman shook her head but smiled and sat, her hand staying in his while the other went back to memorizing the battlefield on his body.

"So, Hardy. Really, Shepard?"

"What? I like him."

"God, you're such a downer." Ashley laughed, and he joined her.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

The commander combed back his wet hair, finding the green eyes staring back at him a lot brighter than he remembered them being.

He shrugged on a clean shirt, the fabric clinging to his still-damp skin. The debrief with Hackett had left him in just the mood he had expected, so punishing the punching bag for it had felt good. Exercise was a healthy release, apparently, when his aggression was taken out on prescribed inanimate objects and not enemy soldiers or computer consoles. So Chakwas had given him the nod of approval after prodding again at the healed holes in his stomach. Things felt... different. He still wasn't willing to credit this to the doctor and the long discussion they had had on healthy stress relief and coping with failure. But after talking to Ashley and the doc, he was admittedly looking at his fuck up on Nepheron a little more optimistically.

Tali had analyzed the data, and they were setting off to another Cerberus base to investigate and shut them down. He knew it wasn't a win, but knowing they could potentially find more clues to where the terrorists were lurking made him feel better. The presence of husks on Nepheron oddly had bolstered him too, making him sure that Cerberus was keeping close tabs on Saren. Maybe the rogue Spectre wasn't connected with them, but they were interested in him, and that was enough reason for Shepard's suspicion to grow. He was willing to take any information he could on the magical vanishing turian and his synthetic death squad.

Shepard's stomach made a distractingly loud noise and pulled him from his thoughts, pushing him towards the door of his cabin and into the mess. He hadn't eaten since Ash brought him breakfast into the medbay, and that he had barely touched. She was so damn distracting. He was starting to see how much she enjoyed taunting him with what he couldn't have. The woman would laugh after every teasing touch, bite her lip innocently and pull away, goading him to try something. It was so frustrating, maddening, and absolutely enthralling. He yearned for her. For the feel of her tracing electric lines against his skin again. To be able to explore her like she had him.

But then Liara had emerged from her room in the back of the ship's clinic, the door swishing open as Ashley drew another line over the sensitive plane of his stomach. The asari had blushed such a strange, vibrant blue that Ashley stood up fast enough to knock over her chair. They had made excuses about checking his wounds and other bullshit, but Liara's wide eyes and stammering reply ensured the moment was ruined. Ashley excused herself professionally and left, looking a little put out, and Shepard shrugged on a shirt and muttered something lamely about mission reports and escaped to his cabin.

"Hey, Commander." Kaidan called happily, giving a little wave as the Spectre walked into the mess. "You're looking better. All healed up?"

"Yeah, no lasting damage. Except maybe to my reputation with the doc." He chuckled a little at his own joke. The biotic grinned. Shepard looked over to him, and found him seated near Liara, the asari avoiding his gaze and sporting a blush. _Oh, great. _"What are you two having?" He glanced at the non-descript food on their plates.

"I tried to cook with some of the food in that fridge. I'm pretty good, when I know what the ingredients I'm using are. I was trying for an omelette." The lieutenant shrugged, shoveling in another bite. "Could be worse." The asari next to him frowned, apparently disagreeing with that assessment.

Shepard grinned, pulling a meal bar from one of the cupboards. "I think I'll stick with these."

"Suit yourself." Kaidan said simply, then glanced over at a still-blushing Liara. He looked back to Shepard with a quirked brow and a smirk. "Liara said Ashley took good care of you last night, and this morning." The asari gaped at him as he said it.

The commander rolled his eyes. _Nosy bastard._ "Yeah. Chakwas asked her to check in on me while she was out. Apparently, I'm a bad patient and need a babysitter." He said coolly, not about to fall into that trap. Kaidan laughed.

"You know, Shepard, I've been thinking." Garrus commented as he rounded the corner and joined them. Kaidan and Liara glanced at the turian then back to their food, the lieutenant coaxing her to try it. Shepard's eyes flicked towards Garrus curiously.

"Oh, do enlighten me." The commander smirked.

"I don't know why you even went after that guy outside base. My kill count was still higher."

Shepard laughed. "Please, Garrus. You don't get points for missing. I'll give you credit for trying, but there's no way you hit those targets before I did."

"So that's how you want to play it?" The turian's mandibles flickered joyfully as he dug through the cabinets towards his dextro rations. Shepard glanced away as Tali strolled in with a bright wave towards her seated companions, stumbling awkwardly as she caught an odd-looking box Garrus tossed to her. "I think you're forgetting my superior turian eyesight. You cannot possibly be a better shot than me."

"100 credits say otherwise. Next time we're on the Citadel, we'll find out."

"You're on." The two grinned at each other for a moment, sharing in the bravado, before looking towards the sound of someone daintily clearing their throat.

"I think you are both forgetting how dead you would be if I hadn't opened those doors for you." The quarian's voice teased, her eyes glowing behind her mask. Shepard gaped at her. She was normally so timid, hearing her taunt them like that was surprising. Garrus had a very large and very turian grin on his face.

"You pyjaks would have been nursing your wounds if I hadn't taken all of the fire." Wrex announced in his usual growling voice, heaving something out of the fridge and onto the table, not bothering trying to sit on the small benches. _Damn, is it social hour? _The krogan nodded at the commander. "Shepard."

"Wrex."

Wrex looked back to the rest of them, and gestured blandly towards Shepard. "The prettiest princess here gave us all a great example of the benefits of a redundant nervous system, though. Way to hit him right back in the quad, Shepard."

"Prettiest princess?" Kaidan snorted. Liara managed to crack a tiny smile.

"Wrex, humans don't have redundant nervous systems." Shepard chuckled. The krogan leaned against a pillar and took a bite out of what looked like a large hunk of meat.

"Oh. Well, that must have hurt." Wrex murmured through his mouthful, sounding rather disinterested.

"What is that?" Shepard gestured towards the hunk of meat with his power bar.

"Roast varren." The krogan grinned a toothy, meat-filled grin.

The commander's brow furrowed. "When did you get roast varren?"

"Feros."

"Wrex. That was supposed to be for the colonists."

"I asked them." _I'm sure that was an exchange of equals. _"I only took one."

"One?"

"One varren."

Shepard blinked. "You brought a whole varren back onto this ship?"

"Yup."

"Where's the rest of it?"

"I ate it. This is all that's left." Wrex's voice was a little woeful. "We'll have to stop and get more if this goes on much longer."

The commander sighed. "I'll try and make that a priority." He slid into a seat next to Kaidan, Garrus and Tali across from him.

"So, we are going to another Cerberus facility?" Tali asked as she removed a straw-like device from the mouthpiece on her suit.

"Yes. Should be there tomorrow, if all goes well. Hopefully we can find some information to add to what you already dug up on them and figure out a way to take them all down. You did good work, Tali." He smiled, and from the way her eyes squinted a little behind her mask, Shepard was pretty sure the quarian was beaming.

"Any idea what they're trying to accomplish?" Garrus prompted, and Shepard shook his head.

"No. But with their interests in the rachni, the thorian creepers, and husks, I think there has to be some connection to Saren. There's too many parallels for it to be coincidence." The Spectre murmured, and Garrus nodded, eyes thoughtful.

"Any news on Saren?" Kaidan asked, his face serious again.

Shepard sighed. "No. There's no new information, and the Council is still staying quiet. So for now, we focus on Cerberus. They're our best lead, and we need to stop them before these experiments of theirs hurt anyone else." His determination to take out their terrorist cells hadn't waned with Ashley's disapproval. He would try to keep control – to keep a cool head, to focus on the mission and keep his feelings detached, but there was no way he was going to just forget what they did. They had to pay. It was an insistent buzzing in his head. His focus had slowly shifted away from Saren. He knew it, and it shamed him, but he was being truthful about Cerberus being their best lead. They had nothing else.

"Commander, Council's on the line for you. They say it's urgent, yada yada." Joker's bored voice interrupted them.

Shepard stared at the intercom for a moment. _Are you kidding? Now they have something?_ He glowered at the ceiling. They had Cerberus by the tail, and now was the time the Council decided to chime in. _Fuck._

"Speak of the devil." Kaidan chuckled as the commander stood and turned around into Ashley as the woman walked into the mess. She looked up at him and smirked, but there was a questioning look in her eyes that he didn't know how to answer. He didn't know what he was going to do either. Shepard stepped around her with a small smile and strode quickly towards the stairs.

"Speak of the devil?" He heard Garrus question as he walked away, his usual curiosity about human mannerisms shining.

"And he shall appear." Kaidan supplied.

Shepard felt something sink in his gut.


	23. Chapter 23

"Commander Shepard. We've received information that may be critical to your mission against Saren."

The asari and salarian councilors' holographs stood before him. Shepard's eyes narrowed suspiciously. _Where's my favorite?_ The missing turian council member was more than a little odd. He doubted the asshole would miss a chance to ridicule him by choice. "I'm listening."

"We've received an urgent message from one of our infiltration regiments stationed in the Traverse." Valern explained. _Infiltration regiments? _Shepard's brow furrowed, but he let the salarian councilor continue. "We have several stationed along the border of Citadel space. This particular unit was gathering intel on Saren."

_Oh, so glad I knew about it. _"Did they find something?" The commander prompted automatically.

"Unfortunately, the message was little more than static." Shepard frowned at Valern's words. _Of course._ "But it was sent on a channel reserved for mission-critical communications. Whatever they were trying to tell us, we know it was important. Considering your interest in Saren, we thought you might want to investigate this." _**My**__ interest? Where the fuck did your interest go?_ "Find out what happened to our team. The signal originated from the planet Virmire."

Councilor Tevos cleared her throat as Shepard glared daggers at the salarian. "The Council prefers not to become involved in the specifics of Spectre activity." _The Council prefers not to be involved in anything, apparently. _"We only wanted you to be aware of your options. Including Virmire." The asari studied him for a moment. "Good luck, Commander Shepard. We look forward to your next report."

The holographs cut out, and the Spectre was left standing alone in front of the communications panel. Shepard rolled his neck back and forth, trying to figure out what the hell he was going to do with this new information. He knew he should be excited, filled with a renewed determination to catch Saren. But all he could think of was Cerberus. If they diverted now, he was almost positive they would lose their chance to take down the terrorist organization. The bastards probably already had a heads up like they had on Nepheron - they needed to get to them before they completely cleared shop.

The way that the Council had delivered the news put Shepard on edge as well. They dodged any further commitment to taking on the rogue Spectre, making sure the responsibility and any consequences would fall solely on Shepard. He couldn't shake the feeling of being set up for failure. There was something going on with this infiltration unit that he wasn't being told about. But if they had found Saren… He sighed and turned away from the controls, walking slowly towards the door. This infiltration team was stuck in the Traverse with no comms and likely in distress, if the use of an emergency channel was any hint. They were in danger, and the commander knew that they needed to get to them as soon as possible.

Shepard hit the door control and strode out, walking towards the bridge. He knew the Council's team likely needed them. But Cerberus… He couldn't just let them go. He was duty-bound to take down Saren, for the Alliance and for the Council. He knew the turian held a larger threat - massacring colonies with a geth army and threatening to end life as they knew it. But Saren, the Reapers, it all still felt a little intangible. Only the persistent echoes of the beacon's vision kept him from doubting the Reapers' existence. The commander walked up quietly behind Joker and stared out of the cockpit's windows into space. He wanted to stop Saren. He had to.

But he _hated_ Cerberus. And it wasn't something he could just let go. Shepard sat silently in the co-pilot's chair with a quick glance at a sleeping pilot. _Really nice, Joker._

"Lieutenant Moreau." Shepard put on his best, deepest commander voice. The reaction was instantaneous.

"Shit! What?" The pilot's eyes shot open, flickering around wildly before finding the commander. "Damn it, Shepard. You scared the shit out of me."

"Sleeping on duty?"

"I wasn't sleeping, just resting my eyes." Joker grinned.

"Why don't you just get some shut eye? That's why we have relief pilots."

"They suck." There was a scoff from one of the crewmembers on the bridge. "I'm damn sure I can fly better in my sleep than they ever can." Joker grinned then looked at the commander a little critically. "Can I do something for you or are you just trying to send me to an early grave again?"

Shepard didn't answer for a moment, looking back out the window. _I can't just let those bastards go._ The same thought raced through his head, over and over. It was pushing back the beacon's pulse, prioritizing itself in his mind. After what they did to everyone, to Toombs, how could he just drop this and move on to something else? The corporal needed absolution. It was the only reason he had agreed to come with Shepard, with the man that left him to die. He was counting on the Spectre to take Cerberus down.

But the Council, the Alliance, Anderson, Ash… Everyone needed him to eliminate Saren. Shepard thought back to his promise to Ashley, to try. The hate and rage burned at him, blistered his thoughts and made him want nothing more than to dismiss the Council's call as shoddy evidence and move on to the next Cerberus facility. But he thought of her, and he had to try.

When he looked back to the pilot, Joker was staring at him with an arched brow. "Are we having quiet time again?"

"We're changing our destination." Shepard leaned forward, entering coordinates into the flight controls.

"Where…" Joker read the screen. "Virmire? What's on Virmire?"

"I don't know. But it sure as fuck had better involve Saren." He pushed himself back up from the co-pilot's chair. "Get us there, Joker. Let me know when we're close." The commander growled and trudged back through the CIC. He was suddenly exhausted, feeling like he had lost a long battle. Electing to continue his wild goose chase after Saren rather than take out Cerberus wasn't something he felt good about. It was too much like giving up, like forgetting, like walking away again. He bristled. Shepard's stomach was rising in his throat as he exited the doors into the second floor of the Normandy.

"Hey there, Commander." Ashley's voice was playful and warm, but Shepard felt weighted. He glanced over her, hand cocked on her hip and a welcoming smile on her face as she waited in front of the elevator to the hangar. The woman's expression faded, however, as she took him in. "What's up? Didn't they have anything?"

Shepard grimaced, glancing away as a laugh sounded from the mess. How was he supposed to explain that yes, they had, but he wished they hadn't so he could continue shooting holes through the heads of the people that had massacred his unit? "They did." The two short syllables rolled off his tongue a little drily. Ashley's brows came together in suspicion.

"So what's with the angry face?" The soldier asked bluntly, as usual. Some sort of victory cry echoed around the floor, and her inquisition was momentarily broken as she smirked. "Guess Kaidan lost."

"Lost?" The commander prompted quickly, seizing the opportunity to change the subject. "Lost what?"

"He bet Garrus he could beat him arm wrestling. Showing off for Blue, probably, and I think his ego was a little bruised when I told him his cooking looked like crap. Not my fault he tried to make up for it by showing off his manly, manly muscles." Ashley shrugged, grinning. "Gotta tell it like it is." The elevator door opened, and she ducked inside.

"You always do." Shepard murmured simply, smirking a little.

"Damn right, Skipper. Now, are you coming?" Her hand returned to her hip. "You were about to tell me why the Council has you so pissed again."

The commander frowned. "Ash, I should start prepping for the mission. I don't know anything about where we're going, what we'll face…"

"You can do that later. If we're re-plotting our course, it'll probably be a while until we reach our destination, right? And as a member of your team, I'd feel more confident about the mission after a full brief." Her eyes twinkled with tenacity. _She just doesn't give up._ She held the door open with a finger on the control and it beeped in protest. "Shepard, come on. You're not going to get anything done anyway if you're brooding as intensely as you seem to be."

The Spectre sighed, resigned to his fate, and stepped in beside her. She beamed at him and it was his turn to roll his eyes as the door closed behind him and they started downwards. Ashley punched him in the arm.

"Cheer up, Skipper. I think you're forming rainclouds over your head." She badgered, and Shepard simply glanced sidelong at her, forcing a weary smile. Ashley frowned and was silent, her brown eyes narrowing with worry. "Did something happen?"

"What? No. I…" His hand twitched up compulsively to his hair, running over it slowly. "It's nothing. I'm sorry, just tired I guess." He excused lamely, not meeting her gaze. In true Ashley Williams fashion, she stepped stubbornly out in front of him.

"You were fine earlier. Happy even, as miraculous as that was to see." _Gee, thanks. _"What happened, Shepard?" She demanded again, her eyes fiery as they met his, close enough to make out the flecks of lighter, brandy hues within her warm brown eyes. Her face was set with that determined look she sometimes got out on missions. And she was so fucking beautiful. He inhaled a deep breath to dislodge a fantasy of pushing her against the door and silencing the questions with a deep, furious kiss. She distracted him, as always, and for a moment he didn't think of Toombs or his unit or Cerberus. Then the door opened, and he walked past her into the hangar. It was empty, the rest of the crew presumably still in the mess.

"Ash, I don't really want to talk about it."

"Shepard, you can't just deal with all of this by yourself. Unless you want to go beat up that punching bag for a second time today, I think it's time you figured out another way to deal." Ashley's hand rested on his shoulder, stopping him this time and turning him back towards her. "People say it's good to talk about it. I'm here. Talk."

"Shrinks say that."

"Yeah, they're people, too. And they say it for a reason. It helps." The woman insisted, her hand moving to rest on the side of his neck. His eyes closed at the contact. "I just don't want you charging in to wherever we're going with your head somewhere else again. If this does have something to do with Saren, we can't afford for you to be unfocused."

Again, she hit the mark spot on. Her ability to sniff out weaknesses was uncanny. Shepard frowned, eyes opening and meeting hers briefly before he turned away again and walked towards a pile of supply crates, collapsing onto one in exasperation. "Ash…" _You're impossible, stubborn, nosy, and too damn irresistible. _He sighed, hand running through his hair once more. The soldier followed him to his new perch, kicking his leg over so she could rest beside him.

"Shepard, please."

His hand came up to pinch the bridge of his nose, and he sighed again. "The Council has infiltration teams out in the Traverse. Apparently one of them - on some planet called Virmire - went dark, but not before they sent off an emergency message. They were investigating Saren." Ashley's brow furrowed. "The message was static and the unit's comms have gone silent, but our friends on the Citadel believe that whatever it was, it was urgent and needs immediate checking in to. And if they were looking into Saren…"

The soldier nodded. "They're in danger." Ashley agreed, but a puzzled look spread over her features. "Why does this have you upset? I mean, sucks for them, but we're going to help and we have a lead on Saren. That's good, isn't it?"

The commander rolled his neck. "It's good for the mission." He murmured simply, causing Ashley to arch a brow.

"But?"

"Cerberus." Shepard spat, fists balling involuntarily. "Diverting to Virmire means Cerberus has even more time set up their operations elsewhere. They know we're on to them, and they're likely already clearing house. Letting them get away…"

Ashley rested tentative fingertips on his fists. "Shepard, you know you made the right call. Saren is threatening the entire galaxy, with these damn Reaper things, whatever they are. Cerberus is evil, no doubt, but we have to stick to our priority mission. We'll find them again." The Spectre looked at her doubtfully. "If we wait on Saren, it might be too late."

"I know. I just…" He couldn't meet her eyes. He felt defeated. "They killed them, Ash. My entire fucking unit. I don't want to leave them behind again." The soldier squeezed his hand with one of hers, the other coming up to pull his face towards her.

"And Saren killed mine." She said, her voice resolute. "If it wasn't for him and those damn flashlight-heads, my squad would still be alive. But this isn't about vengeance, you know that." Ashley ran a thumb over his jaw, the muscles tense beneath her touch. "We need to stop Saren to make sure he doesn't hurt anymore of our people. We're the only thing standing between Saren and our colonies, even Earth. The Council gave this to you to do alone. We can't let them stand alone while Saren steamrolls the galaxy with a bunch of doom machines." He was such a fucking idiot. He knew all of it, but hearing it spoken out loud… Shepard leaned into her touch. "And as far as leaving them behind… Shepard, you left no one behind. Not on purpose. You were stuck in a shitty, horrible situation and somehow managed to come out alive. Stop blaming yourself for surviving."

Shepard felt his throat clench, the air suddenly knocked out of him as if he'd been punched in the gut. He pulled away from her and rested his head in his hands, his fingers threading themselves into his hair. _The screaming was in his ears. He heard Toombs' misery as the maw pulled him under. His nostrils filled with the scent of rot and decay as the screaming stopped and there was only the terrible silence and Jamie's dead eyes, the gun that killed her still taunting him from her hand. _

_And he stayed there, waiting, even the rumbling from the thresher maws seizing so he was so completely alone, burning and shaking and hoping somewhere deep inside that the acid would just end him already so he wouldn't have to be alone anymore. And all he could think was why the fuck it was always him, surviving while everyone lay in heaps around him. And he gave up, and waited for death while he stared at them and thought of his father and his last words and wondered maybe if now he would actually find him._

"Shepard, come on, look at me." Ashley's voice was laced with concern. It pulled at him, puncturing his memories. Shepard took a deep breath, trying to steady himself. The soldier knelt before him, one hand on his knee while the other reached up to rest over one of his hands on his head. "Hey, come on. I'm sorry, I didn't mean…"

"No." He grunted, lifting his head and shaking it, fighting to keep his voice from sounding too gruff. "No, don't be sorry." He grasped her hand. She steadied him, grounded him. His breathing was slowing. Ashley's eyes were brimming with worry. "I'm fine, I just... I guess I'm not as strong as you with it."

"Shepard, don't be stupid. It has nothing to do with that." She coddled, and he shook his head.

"Yeah, okay. But you're right, about Saren, about our mission. He's threatening _everyone_. No matter what, he needs to come first." Shepard muttered, and Ashley frowned at him. "Thank you. For reminding me of that." He reached out to push a piece of hair behind her ear, brushing her cheek softly with his thumb. Ashley nodded and offered a small, reassuring smile. It warmed him. He still felt like shit. Everything was too new. But knowing she was here, knowing he wasn't completely alone… it helped. The commander pushed himself off of the crate and stood. "I need to go look into Virmire, see what we should expect down there. We should be there tomorrow. I'll send you the briefing time." He looked down at her as she watched him, a debate playing in her eyes. "Good night, Ash." He gave her a small smile in return, and turned to walk away.

"Wait, Skipper." Her voice sounded behind him and he turned, and suddenly her arms were draped around him, her face nestled by his neck as she held on to him. She was silent for a moment, her breath tickling his neck and making him shiver at the contact. Her body pressed against his, warm and soothing. "I'm here, Shepard. Anytime you need." She murmured against him.

His face burrowed into her hair as he brought his arms up and pulled her closer.


	24. Chapter 24

Virmire was beautiful.

Sea spray shot from the boulders guarding their path, falling onto the Mako as it barreled their way through shallow water and over scattered geth forces. Sunlight glittered off of the surf. Despite his earlier stresses, Shepard gave in to the planet's inexplicable calm as they shot through their welcoming committee. Waves continued a monotonous barrage on the cliffs surrounding them, colliding and retreating in consistently timed intervals – the planet's steady pulse. The commander was taken in by the sound, washed over by an odd feeling of tranquility as he drove and shot his way through synthetic enemies. It steadied him, secured him, and he was lost into the rhythms and motions of battle. It was a tranquility he had scarcely known.

The team was working together meticulously. They were alight with new purpose, the new lead on Saren bringing their main goal back to head. They rolled over the geth in their path with ease - systematically tearing the synthetics apart, disabling AA guns, and raising gates so they could continue on to the infiltration team's base camp. It was controlled and precise, and Shepard embraced the order of it. He wanted to find something – about Saren, the Reapers, anything to spur this mission onward and distract him from what he was leaving behind because of it. And Virmire helped, an oasis filled with the command, the control, the purpose he needed to strive.

They rolled through the last gate after lighting up a colossus, a unified _whoop_ echoing throughout the squad, and Shepard slowed the Mako within sight of the camp. The commander opened his door and climbed out.

"Alright, pile out, everyone. Let's go see what our buddies have for us." They clambered out into the shallow water and looked expectantly at Shepard. He smirked. "Come on, guys. Do I need to tell you everything? Spread out, find out what you can. The Council has given us close to nothing to work on. Ask about Saren, ask about their defenses, and ask why the hell they've set themselves up in one of the most open areas of this valley. I'll try to find whoever the hell is in charge, but sometimes, that's not who has eyes." He glanced around, a large break in the cliffs opening to the ocean. The view was expansive, the sun bright in a blue sky. "Move out."

He received a few mock salutes in return to his sass, but they all complied willingly, walking towards what appeared to be an entirely salarian unit. Shepard's brow furrowed. Valern must have known this, known more facts on the team. Why hadn't he elaborated? He moved after the squad, but turned back as someone loudly cleared their throat.

"You're okay?"

Shepard gave a small smile. "I'm fine, Ash. Just needed some rest." Her brow furrowed. "Really. I feel… good. Things haven't gone this right in a long time." He glanced over his shoulder at the retreating squad, then reached out to grab her hand.

"Hey, don't jinx it." Ashley laughed, squeezing his hand back.

The commander joined her with a chuckle, then looked out over the ocean again. "It's beautiful here." He murmured. The soldier followed his gaze, and he looked back to her, watching her take in the vista. The light on her face, dancing over her dark hair and her brandy-brown eyes… She was breathtaking. And she caught him staring again, raising an eyebrow in challenge. "Come on, Chief." He grunted out, turning away with a grin and letting go of her hand. "We have to go catch Saren." She scoffed behind him, but he heard her footsteps follow through the water as they splashed their way towards the salarian outpost.

"Do you have any plan for what to do next?" Shepard heard Kaidan's voice question and he frowned, changing course and heading towards the biotic.

"Just to stay here until reinforcements arrive and we come up with one." The tall, green, armored salarian responded, before glancing towards the approaching commander. "And you are?"

"I'm Commander Shepard. Are you in charge here? What's the situation?" He set his voice to the deep, authoritative standby he used for these kinds of situations.

"Yes. Commander, I'm Captain Kirrahe, Third Infiltration Regiment, STG." _Oh great. Because just what we needed was another mysterious, lawless group of spies. _"You have just landed in the middle of a hot zone – every AA gun within ten miles has been alerted to your presence."

"Oh, that's fantastic." Shepard growled, raising an armored hand to move through his hair.

The salarian captain nodded. "Indeed. Now we just need to stay put until the Council sends the reinforcements we asked for. We have plenty of supplies, and coupled with you holding the geth off we should – "

Kaidan stepped forward, holding up a hand to pause Kirrahe. "Captain…" He glanced at Shepard, and the commander nodded. "We are the reinforcements."

"_What?"_ Kirrahe admonished, stepping back a little. "You're all they sent? I told the Council to send a fleet!"

"The message was only static." Shepard explained with a heavy sigh. "They sent us to investigate what's going on." _Fuck._

The captain shook his head in exasperation. "That is a repetition of our task!" He shifted uneasily. "You are not enough. I lost half of my men _investigating _this place."

"What have you found?" Shepard probed. There was something sinking in his gut again, some secret feeling of foreboding. And he knew, from the edge in Kirrahe's voice, from the panic trying to hide itself in the salarian's eyes that Saren was here.

"Saren's base of operations." The salarian confirmed. "Very well fortified. It's crawling with his geth and we've intercepted enough comms referring to him to be sure it's his." Kirrahe answered, and suddenly the calm, the tranquility, was gone. There was only Saren. Virmire answered his feeling with an echo of thunder across the bay.

"Have you seen him? Where is he?" Shepard interrupted immediately, stepping forward. Kirrahe shook his head.

"No. We believe he's holed up in his lab – he has a research facility here."

"Research facility? What is he researching?" The commander demanded, brow furrowing.

"He's breeding an army of krogan." Kirrahe said darkly. _What?!_

Stomping, splashing footsteps came at them through the water before finally the krogan made it up onto the sand. "How is that possible?" Wrex's voice was deadly quiet, grumbling low and threatening deep within his chest. Kirrahe glanced at him nervously, then looked back to Shepard.

"Apparently, he has discovered a cure for the genophage."

Shepard stood stock still for a moment. Wrex had told him all about the genophage, the sterilizing biological weapon used against his people. Designed by the salarians and utilized by the turians, it had effectively slowed the krogan birthrate to near zero and was slowly pushing the krogan to extinction. The commander glanced to Wrex. The behemoth was glaring at him with a cold, challenging look he had wished never to be on the receiving end of. Shepard's fists clenched and he glowered back at the salarian. _Of course, Saren __**would**__ be the one to miraculously cure the genophage and breed a goddamn krogan army. _The rogue Spectre already had the geth. If he added krogan into the mix…

"If Saren gains a krogan force on top of the geth, we're fucked."

Kirrahe nodded. "Exactly my thoughts." _Really? Exactly? _"This facility needs to be destroyed."

Wrex growled deep and stepped forward shaking his head. "Destroyed? I don't think so." His leathery mouth was pulled tight over pointed teeth. "My people are _dying._ This cure can save them."

"If that cure leaves this planet the krogan will become unstoppable." Kirrahe announced, still avoiding looking at the krogan battlemaster. "We cannot make the same mistake again."

Wrex stepped forward treacherously. His face hovered inches in front of the captain's. "_We are not a mistake." _He snarled, then turned away from the salarian and stomped farther down the beach. Shepard's eyes followed him, watching the krogan pace and brood, the beast's anger growing exponentially with every passing moment. _Why now? Why did the cure have to be discovered now? _Wrex was reasonable, reliable… He had to see what a bad idea allowing Saren to keep this cure would be, right?

"Is he going to be a problem?" Kirrahe snipped. "We already have enough angry krogan to deal with."

"He'll be fine, I'll go talk to him." Shepard growled back. "I'll be back soon."

The captain nodded. "My men and I will rethink our plan of attack." He announced, and headed back into his large tent to meet with a group of similarly armored salarians. Shepard sighed, and turned to Ashley and Kaidan still at his back, wearing matching frowns.

Kaidan shifted under Shepard's stare first. "Looks like things are a bit of a mess." The lieutenant observed, showing off his skill at stating the obvious. The commander sighed and nodded, then glanced back towards Wrex. The salarians guarding the beach farther on were giving him a wide berth. The krogan had taken to shooting shotgun rounds at the water.

"Wrex is about to blow a gasket, Shepard." Ashley spoke up, and he glanced back towards her. "Are you sure you want to go talk to him right now?"

"I need to. He has to understand why we have to do this. His people deserve a cure, but not like this. Not because of Saren." The Spectre murmured, still watching Wrex. "Wrex is a good guy. He'll get it. You two get ready, it sounds like we have a hell of a fight waiting for us."

Kaidan nodded and started off towards what appeared to be a supply tent, but Ashley hesitated. Shepard glanced at her. "If it's all the same to you, I think I should watch your back. In case Wrex is not feeling so forgiving today."

"He'll be fine, Ash." Shepard dismissed her concern with a sigh. "I'll take care of it." He walked away from the woman, hearing neither footsteps nor a response behind him. Apparently, she was going to stay right there. The commander shook his head, but took even strides down the beach towards Wrex. The krogan was still firing his shotgun wildly at the water. Noticing Shepard's approach, he stopped and turned towards the commander, red eyes fiery with rage.

"Shepard."

"Wrex."

The two sized each other up, the krogan keeping his shotgun drawn. There was a silence between them that seemed to stretch an eternity, broken only by the occasional clap of thunder and the steady, even beat of Virmire's tide.

"This isn't right, Shepard." The krogan snarled. "If there's a cure for the genophage we _can't_ destroy it." He took a menacing step towards the commander, but Shepard didn't back down.

"I know, Wrex. I wish we could keep it, but this isn't the way. Not because of Saren."

"Saren is looking less and less like an enemy right now, Shepard." Wrex rumbled. "He created a cure for my people. After everything I've told you, all your words about how wrong it was, _you_ want to destroy it." The krogan took another step. "Help me out here, Shepard. The lines between friend and foe are getting a little blurry."

"Fuck, Wrex. This isn't about the cure!" Shepard spat back at the krogan. Wrex's red eyes narrowed. "Saren is using it as a weapon. If we let him, he'll use this cure to build a new army to help him bring back the Reapers. Your people, mine, they'll all be dead then. Nobody will be around long enough to enjoy the benefits of a cured genophage. I can't let that happen."

"And I can't let you destroy the only hope my people have had for centuries. Dealing with Saren later is a chance we should be willing to take." Wrex's lips pulled back in a snarl. "This is the fate of my entire people we're talking about!" He stepped forward so he towered over Shepard, face inches away, his breath coming out hot and rank on the commander's face. "If you're not willing to fight, if you can't give me a better reason than prevention, we're done." The battlemaster leaned back, snarl still pulled across his lips, and hoisted his shotgun towards the Spectre. Shepard reacted as fast as he could, pulling his pistol off his hip and aiming at the krogan's head. He didn't like his odds.

"Wrex, stand down." He growled low, not blinking as he held the krogan's stare. "I can't let you jeopardize the mission."

"That's it? All this time and that's all I get from you?" The krogan's voice was deadly calm. "I trusted you, Shepard. I thought you had a krogan's heart. Hell, you got me back my grandfather's armor, treated me better than family ever has." Wrex shook his head, eyes narrowing in disgust. "I thought you understood what this meant to the krogan!"

"I do, Wrex. And I promise you we will do whatever we can to recover information on it after the base is destroyed. But we cannot let Saren have this!"

"We need this base if we're going to recreate it. There is too much here. I can't let you destroy this."

"This isn't hope, Wrex! This is just another asshole using your people to get what he wants!" Shepard spat. He shook his head slowly, still meeting the krogan's gaze. The krogan who was part of _his_ team, he had had his back time and time again. _No. Fuck no._ Shepard lowered his gun. "They're slaves, Wrex. And the minute Saren is done with them, they're going to be tossed aside to die with the rest of us when the Reapers come. Is that what you want for them?"

Wrex was silent, his shotgun still held steady at Shepard. Finally, after a few long moments spent listening to the gentle beating of the waves, Wrex lowered his gun. "No. We were slaves for the Council once, and to reward us for wiping out the rachni they neutered us all. I doubt Saren would be so kind." There was a deep grumbling still happening in the krogan's chest. "I don't like this, but you've made your point. I trust you enough to follow your lead." Shepard nodded gratefully. "But when we find Saren, I want his head."

The commander gave a single nod in reply, then turned away.

"Shepard."

"Wrex?" He turned back with a quizzical glance.

"Tell your female to stop aiming her gun at me." The krogan grunted simply, then walked past him without another word. Shepard's eyes followed where Wrex had been looking to find Ashley holstering her pistol. The commander frowned at her and shook his head, but she didn't look too chastised. As always, she did what she wanted, and it worried him momentarily that she was willing to put down a squad mate. But if Wrex had been pointing that shotgun at her… Shepard sighed, a hand running through his hair. He knew he would have done the same.

"Commander Shepard." Kirrahe's voice broke into his thoughts. "I'm glad you were able to talk the krogan down. The assault on Saren's base will be difficult enough as it is." _The assault?_ His brow furrowed as he looked at the salarian captain. Kaidan approached, leaving the supply tent with a crate of what appeared to be grenades. Apparently, they were planning for a rather up close and personal assault. Ashley appeared on the commander's right, standing back a little as she listened.

"I take it you have a plan?" Shepard arched a brow. Kirrahe gave a quick nod.

"Yes. We can convert our ship's drive system into a twenty kiloton ordnance. Crude, but effective." The Spectre couldn't stop himself from gaping at the salarian.

"Nice." Ashley's voice chimed in in appreciation. "Drop a nuke from orbit, and Saren can kiss his turian ass goodbye." Shepard smirked a little at her very marine, very Ashley way of saying it.

"Unfortunately, the facility is too well fortified for that. We'll have to bring the bomb in to a precise location at the far side of the base for it to effectively wipe it out. Your ship can drop it off." _Oh, okay, no problem._

"And we just have to, what, shoot through dozens of geth and krogan forces to set it off?" Shepard growled. "Hope we can get to those AA guns you mentioned in time so they don't blast the bomb and _my_ ship from the sky? Is that it?"

"Yes, Commander." Kirrahe nodded, unperturbed. "That's about it. It won't be easy, but it must be done."

"We don't have enough men to go on foot. We won't make it anywhere close to the base." Kaidan put in desperately, echoing Shepard's thoughts.

"There's no other way?" Shepard questioned wearily. He couldn't stop himself from thinking the calm, the tranquility he felt admiring Virmire's beauty, listening to the pulse of the planet's waves… It had simply been the calm before what was going to be a very large shitstorm. As if in answer, there was another crack of rolling thunder out over the ocean.

"I'm afraid not. But, I think we can work with the forces we have. We need to split up." Kirrahe announced, not deterred by the marines' lack of faith. "I'll split my men up into three teams, while you and your 'shadow' team can sneak in the back. It will confuse the geth and buy you enough time to get in and set up that bomb."

"And make them think you're the real target." The commander frowned. "That's a suicide mission, Kirrahe. You're men are going to get slaughtered."

Kirrahe shook his head. "We're tougher than we look, Commander." He gave a wry grin. "But, you're right, I don't expect many of us will make it out alive." The salarian's smile vanished, and he suddenly looked uncomfortable, guilty even. "And that's going to make what I ask you next even more difficult…" Shepard's mouth set into a grim line. "I need one of your men to help coordinate the teams."

Shepard's hands balled into fists. _Fuck that._ He wasn't about to send one of his people to die. But these salarians... They were going to get decimated without a coordinated command. They needed leadership, support, a unified force to make this mission even narrowly successful. The commander's breath came short. His team would never make it to the base without Kirrahe's men at their backs, and Saren would slip away with an army of krogan and closer than ever to bringing the destruction of everything.

"Fine." He grunted out, more than a little grudgingly. "But they have command of their squad, and if I tell them to pull back, they do. Got it?" His voice was low, green eyes glowing with a threat. Kirrahe simply nodded his agreement. Shepard turned to the two marines at his back.

"I volunteer, Commander." Kaidan spoke up, stepping forward to meet the commander.

"Hey, not so fast, LT." Ashley stepped in, shaking her head. "He's going to need you to arm the nuke. I'll lead the salarian team."

"That's why he has Tali. She could arm that thing in her sleep."

"Tali will be busy looking through the facilities systems for information on Saren and what he's doing, right?" She glanced at Shepard, but didn't give him time to respond. As always, she hit the nail on the head. "He needs you there. I'm more than able to lead that team."

"I know you're able to. But with all due respect, Gunnery Chief, it's not your place to decide." Kaidan's eyes narrowed.

Ashley scoffed, shaking her head incredulously. "Why is it when somebody says 'with all due respect' what they really mean is 'kiss my ass?'"

"Enough, both of you." Shepard growled, and the two marines looked back at him. He let out a heavy sigh. _Fuck. Fuck this planet._ He knew what he had to do, what the right choice was, but how was he supposed to do it? A hand ran through his hair again. "Ashley, you're leading the salarian team. But if I say you pull out, you pull out. You understand?"

Ashley nodded, a slightly satisfied grin on her lips, pleased as always with her win. Kaidan didn't argue, but met the commander's gaze with a knowing look. Shepard frowned. He needed Kaidan for the bomb, and the lieutenant knew it. Had he volunteered to try and save him from having to make this decision? His throat tightened as he met Ashley's brown gaze and took a step towards her. _I can't do this. I can't leave her behind._ "I mean it, Ash. No heroics, no sacrificing yourself." He searched her eyes, fiery with determination and an eagerness to prove herself. Shepard wanted nothing more than to bring her back to the ship and tell her to wait it out, tell the salarians to fuck themselves and handle Saren himself. But he couldn't do this alone, and they needed her here. She would be a strong leader. _She'll be okay_. He tried to steady himself with a breath and lowered his voice. "Ash, I need you with me to finish this thing. Please be careful."

"Don't worry, Skipper." The soldier offered a reassuring smile, her eyes warm with promise. "I'll be fine. No way those flashlight heads are going to get the jump on me again." Shepard reached out and squeezed her hand briefly before letting go and turning back to the captain.

"Good. I'll get the ordnance loaded on to the Normandy and brief your crew on its detonation sequencing." Kirrahe gave a satisfied nod. "Do you have anything else before we head out, Commander?"

"Keep her alive." He growled out, and the salarian nodded.

"We'll do our best, Commander." Kirrahe promised, "I'm going to go prepare my men. Let me know when you're ready to move out." The salarian turned away and walked towards his team. Shepard turned back to Ashley and Kaidan, his face set in an apprehensive grimace.

"Well, I guess this is it. You two idiots better not go do something stupid while I'm gone." Ashley smirked, but the gesture was a little empty. Her eyes found his and she looked… Not scared, but like she was preparing herself, resigning herself to whatever would happen. Her earlier satisfaction was replaced by acceptance. Bile clawed at the Shepard's throat. The soldier was getting ready to go out fighting.

"Ash, remember what I said. We're all making it out of here, you hear me?" He stepped towards her, his voice low and desperate. The woman gave a weak smile, lacking its usual easy confidence.

"Yeah, I know. You be careful too, Shepard. Keep your head on." Ashley's voice was serious and full of worry. "Don't go and get yourself shot again, or I'm going to be pissed."

"I'll keep an eye on the Commander, Ashley. Don't worry about that. We'll see you later." Kaidan said encouragingly, offering up a bright smile. Shepard frowned, unsure if he appreciated being treated like an errant child, but said nothing.

"Thanks, Scuttlebutt. I owe you a drink when we get back." Ashley grinned at the biotic.

"We get this done, we're all drinking - I have some bourbon I was saving for a special occasion. I think this more than qualifies." Shepard gave a small smile, and Kaidan chuckled. "Alright, let's move out." He gave Ashley one last desperate look, longing to wrap himself around her but deciding this wasn't the time or place. "Ash…" His throat constricted around her name. "I know you'll do the Alliance proud."

"Damn right. See you on the other side, Skipper." She gave him a smile that was a little brighter, a little more her, and walked away towards her new team.


	25. Chapter 25

Gunfire blasted out the sound of the waves. Without the echo of Virmire's pulsing tide, time seemed to quicken.

"Fuck, Garrus, take out that flier!" Shepard shouted over the throng of bullets. _Damn, these things are pissing me off._ The turian shot down one, then another with his rifle as it rounded the corner towards them. "Overachiever." Shepard grumbled and heard Garrus snort a short laugh in reply. He looked down sight of his own gun to take out the last. It exploded over the water with a flash, and the commander lowered his weapon. "Alright, back up everyone. Tali, you're going to overload that fuel tank once we get out of the blast radius – we're going to make sure that those fliers don't have enough fuel to get to the other teams." They had destroyed satellites and disrupted communications already in hopes of aiding the salarian squads.

"Got it, Commander." The quarian said with an enthusiastic nod. They ran back down the platform, Shepard and Wrex leading the charge. He held up a hand and the team complied with his unspoken command and stopped, taking cover where they could.

"Alright, blow it up!"

Tali nodded and keyed the overload sequence into her omnitool. She waved her hand, and not a second later the tank went up in a blast of flames.

"Oorah!" Shepard whooped and grinned, but the enthusiasm didn't reach his eyes. He was tense with fear, terrified for Ashley. His only reassurance was the echoing of her commands in his ear. Knowing she was safe, and knowing he could talk to her, get her out if he needed, allowed him to hold on to his composure. He glanced towards Kaidan and the biotic grinned back at him, but he seemed to possess the same worry in his eyes. This place, for all its beauty, felt wrong. As they made their way closer to the base, the feeling only became worse. But the team was feeding off his energy, needed his command, and with Ashley being able to hear him just as he heard her… _I guess its fake it 'til you make it time._ "Come on, let's get to that base."

Shepard sprinted forward with Wrex, the krogan going ahead when they encountered geth. The commander crouched and darted between points of cover, sniping out targets he could and switching to his pistol when he needed to take care of any synthetics that got too close. He could see the facility. It was massive, spanning from one cliff face to the other and overhanging the ocean. Kirrahe hadn't been lying – the place was very well fortified. Geth and krogan threw themselves at the team without hesitation once they reached the bridge, funneling themselves into the squad's scopes.

"Alright, looks like we have a shooting range. Tali, do what you can to take down those barriers. Liara, set up some singularities so Garrus doesn't have to try to hit too many moving targets." Both the quarian and the asari nodded and got to work, and Garrus simply scoffed and crouched behind some cover parallel to Shepard, grinning at the commander.

"Don't worry, Shepard. I'll try to leave a few for you." His mandibles clicked as he chuckled and the two snipers raised their rifles and began their assault. Despite the sheer mass of enemy forces, they seemed uncoordinated, confused – whether that was due to being attacked on two sides or some other reason, Shepard didn't know. But he was grateful. The faster they got through the base, the faster he would be able to ensure Ashley was safe and whole. Battle was something he knew, something he thrived at. But he had gotten used to working with the soldier, having her at his back. Now, without her here, he felt off balance. And he couldn't lose her.

Wrex charged out of cover straight into oncoming geth. The krogan was being reckless, relentless, and Shepard understood his frustration at having to destroy this place. He kept the battlemaster covered as he raged through their foes, but in truth, he didn't need it. He was a virtually unstoppable force as he was – a furious, rampaging behemoth. The others in the squad allowed him to work with a wide berth while they moved up, nearing the door.

"Commander, I can disable these alarms before we go in, but I might be able to trigger them at the other side of the base instead." Kaidan shouted. Shepard fired a final shot from his pistol at a rather stubborn krogan before running to the lieutenant.

"Where Kirrahe's men are?"

"Yes, sir."

Shepard frowned. He thought back to the beach, to Kirrahe and his squad. They had all looked terrified, doubtful, but still willing to sacrifice themselves for this mission. To give Shepard a chance to get at Saren. Kirrahe had extinguished their fear with his rally cry, and the salarians – Ashley in their midst – departed with a newfound confidence, more ready than ever to hold the line. Their bravery was inspiring. He felt it, his team felt it. He wasn't about to let them get washed over by the geth.

"Just disable them, we can handle it. We're not giving them anything more to deal with." _Especially not when Ash is with them. _Kaidan nodded and the doors swished open. Shepard slid to the edge and peeked around, checking for any obvious targets, before rounding the corner and waving the rest of the team in. They followed him quickly and got to work on the geth and krogan and… Salarians?

"Why were there salarians working with them?" Liara questioned, striding up beside Shepard as they took out the small force within the entrance hall.

"These look like Kirrahe's men. STG armor." Kaidan observed.

"His team mentioned they were missing a few of their men when I talked to them." Garrus eyed the dead salarians suspiciously. "I don't know why they would want to work with Saren, though. They seemed… confused."

"Hopefully we'll find out soon enough. Come on, we need to keep moving." _We can't waste time. Not when they're depending on us. Not when she's depending on me._ He led them deeper into the base, through winding halls eerily empty of geth and krogan.

"Commander, this terminal has that same code. It's different than the geth's. I've never seen anything like it. I- I don't know if I can crack it." Tali's voice was nervous, and she stood twisting her hands as the rest of the team turned back to face her.

Shepard turned back from the elevator control and walked towards the quarian. He let out a sigh. It didn't surprise him. Whatever Saren was doing here, there was something very wrong about it. His head was screaming – the beacon's vision coming to the forefront of his mind and intermittently showing him fire and destruction and the deafening roar of silence. The facility had its own viral pulse, slowly beating and infecting those who came near it. Virmire had no more peace, no more calm. But it drew him in.

"That's fine, Tali. We'll try another one. We have to keep moving." The commander motioned the team forward. He could hear Kirrahe in his ear, sounding a little more desperate every time he ordered his men to keep pushing, to hold the line. His throat clenched as apprehension pulsed through him. _She's going to be fine. We're almost there._ They all climbed into the elevator and the lift carried them down a floor. "Weapons ready." He murmured without need, as they already stood alert and ready to face whatever was on the other side of the door. But no geth swarmed outside. There were no krogan hulking behind the door. Shepard's brow furrowed in confusion. _Where the hell are they?_ Guarding something further in maybe?

He led them wordlessly around the corner and down another hall. He almost passed up a room that appeared at first glance to be empty, but a shout pulled him back. Shepard gave a questioning look to Garrus, who had followed him quickly and stood at his side. The turian shrugged. The commander looked back into the room and upon further inspection found the far wall was lined with cells.

"Shit, they have prisoners. Come on." Shepard rushed quickly to the caged salarians. They didn't look up at his approach. Their eyes searched the floor, the walls, the ceiling for something unknown as they muttered incessantly and spontaneously shouted nonsense. "What the hell…" He frowned, and stepped back. They looked soulless, non-responsive, like the salarians they had fought coming in. It was unnerving.

"Who are you? I told you before, I won't tell you anything! You can't break me" Shepard turned quickly to the next cell down and found a salarian pointed accusingly at him. "You can probe and cut and whisper, but I won't tell you, I- wait. You're not one of them. Who are you? Alliance?" The salarian's voice was panicky, strange. "Oh, I knew someone would come. Please, let me out. I can help you. I can't take the whispering anymore. It snakes and slithers in your mind… Please, let me out now." He rambled on, hands pressed against the wall of his cell.

"Don't do it. He's not himself anymore." A voice at the far end of the line of cells spoke up.

"Garrus, watch him." Shepard muttered and gestured to the salarian before him, now desperately palming the glass before him. The commander walked down the line, passed the dead eyes of the other STG men to one kept alone in his cell. He was sitting, slumped against the wall and looking surprisingly normal. "What do you mean? Who are you?"

"Lieutenant Ganto Imness of the Third Infilitration Regiment. Our team was captured during recon. Saren and his researchers have been running tests on us, trying to find out what they can about indoctrination. I believe it is how Saren holds such influence over his followers." The lieutenant looked up at Shepard sadly. "Even he doesn't understand it fully though. And his scientists… I believe they have begun to succumb to its darker effects as well. My whole squad has been reduced to mindless, blithering husks of their former selves. Private Avot, who you were speaking to before, he held out longer than most. But I think he's gone too. He spends his nights beating his head against the wall. He hasn't spoken to me in days. He's indoctrinated." Imness shifted. "Are you the reinforcements from the Council? You're here to destroy the facility, correct?"

"It's like what he did my mother…" Liara murmured. Shepard glanced at her and saw Kaidan offer a supportive smile. The commander grimaced. Saren was blindly throwing away the lives of these salarians to research something he was supposed to have control of. Shiala, Benezia - they had both mentioned his power to indoctrinate his followers. It supposedly was centered on his ship, Sovereign. But if he needed to study it, if his own scientists were being effected… Where did he get that kind of power? The geth? The Reapers? The idea he may have found some kind of Reaper technology was unsettling.

"I'm Commander Shepard, Spectre. The Council sent me here to investigate." He answered the lieutenant's inquiries quickly. "And you? You seem normal enough. How have you been unaffected?" The commander asked with a furrowed brow. Imness sighed.

"They kept me as a control specimen, to compare the effects. I almost wish they hadn't. Watching these men, my friends, change like this… I would have rather they just killed me." The lieutenant muttered. Shepard's jaw clenched. The man was caged, broken, and in far too familiar a place for the Spectre. _Caged and beaten and forced to watch. Like a fucking animal._ He recognized the defeat in the salarian's voice, recognized his anguish. It made the bile rise in his throat.

"I'm letting you out." The decision was made quickly. "We're blasting this place as soon as we can, but we don't have time to walk you back to a safe zone. You can fight with us, or make a run for it, but either way you have to do it fast. Can you do that?"

"Yes, Commander. Though I think I'll try my chance running. I'm in no shape to fight, and what you're doing is too important for me to slow you down." Imness said, his voice resigned. Shepard nodded quietly. _He's giving up._ He stepped forward and hit the door control, and Imness walked out, taking in a deep breath. "Thank you, Commander. I would not have liked to die in a cage. Good luck to you." The salarian gave a last nod to Shepard, a sad, mournful look to his squad mates bumping into each other dully in their cells, then sprinted off down the corridor.

"Shepard, we have a problem over here –" Garrus started, then jumped back as there was a large thump on the glass. "Damn it!" The commander rushed towards the turian then glanced in the cell, the salarian private still on the floor of his cell. "He broke his own neck, just rushed the wall. I didn't say anything, he just started mumbling about not being able to get out and the whispering…. Damn." The turian shook his head, perplexed. Shepard frowned.

"Better this way than to be a guinea pig for more of their twisted experiments. Come on, we need to move." He started towards the exit of the room, the rest of the squad close on his heel. They had to stop Saren before he got away, before he infected anyone else with this sick mind control. And they had to get to the other side of the base. Ashley was waiting.

xxxxxxxxxxxx

The soldier was breathing hard, the muscles in her legs on fire from the constant sprint and stop from cover to cover. Another bullet whizzed past her and she let out a choice curse. _Shepard and his damn sailor's tongue. Guess it's rubbing off on me. _She smirked, then lifted her assault rifle again and fired a spurt off towards a group of approaching geth, smiling wryly at the number of times his voice had broken in through her comms that day with a few rather imaginative ways of swearing off the synthetics.

_God, please let him be okay._

Ashley's smile faded as worry returned. She knew he would be fine. Shepard was a survivor, he had proven it more than anyone, but still… The geth were relentless. She had been holding with her salarian team as long as she could, keeping the geth back from the facility so Shepard could move to the bomb site without having them pour at him from all sides. But the machines just kept pushing.

_You've got this, Williams. Just hold it a little longer. These damn circuit boards aren't getting the best of you again._

"I want snipers in that tower, take out long range targets and drive them back!" Ashley shouted the order and the team complied. The salarians were definitely efficient. She switched to her shotgun, eyeing a ledge farther up she could get to and take out a damaged juggernaut blasting the ass off of one of her men. Adrenaline flooded her veins as she jumped over the pipe she hid behind and let loose her rounds at the giant machine, sliding behind the ledge before it could retaliate. The soldier grabbed a grenade from her belt, pulled the pin, and tossed it quickly towards the geth. Ashley whooped as it successfully eliminated both her target and a shock trooper that had closed in nearby.

_That's right. Better than the best._

She wasn't going to repeat Shanxi here. No matter what, she would hold this line and get Shepard where he needed to go. There was no backing out, no matter how hard they pushed and how many men she lost. Something ached in her as her commander's voice rang again in her ear, ordering his team to push forward. She wanted to be with him. But this mission was more important than her or her men, more important than her need to be at his side. Shepard believed in her, and she would get it done.

xxxxxxxx

"Get out of here. You have five minutes before I blow this place sky high."

"Wha- What?! You can't – Ahhh!" Rana ran for the door and bolted back down the balcony they had come in through. Shepard glared after her.

"You enjoyed that, didn't you, Shepard?" Garrus drawled, his eyes following the asari scientist as well.

Shepard smirked a little, but didn't answer. A look at Wrex told him that the krogan was echoing his thoughts. _Should have just killed her. _She was going to be trouble if she somehow made it out. She had, at least, confirmed his suspicions – Saren couldn't control who his ship indoctrinated. Those directly targeted did succumb faster, becoming mindless slaves, but it didn't stop with them. Anyone who went on or near the enormous vessel was effected, and the asari suspected Saren himself was beginning to hear the whispers.

_How the fuck does a ship control someone's mind?_

It had to be the Reapers. Nothing else made sense. Maybe Sovereign was a Reaper-made vessel? Shepard frowned and motioned his team forward, then stilled. Another pulse hit him. _Shit._ The pull was becoming more intense, drawing him in, and battering his mind with the screeching of metal and the silencing roar.

"Commander?" Kaidan stepped up beside him. "Shepard, you okay?" The biotic glanced over his slightly slumped form. Shepard closed his eyes and shook himself.

"Yeah. Fine." He grunted, rolling his neck. "There's something here, though. I can feel it. Come on, we need to move." The lieutenant nodded, but worry still clouded his eyes. Shepard turned towards the door and exited, the team following without another word. Kirrahe was in his ear again, then Ashley, both ordering their men to hold on, to push back against the geth. _She's okay. She's going to be okay._ The mantra repeated in his mind as he sprinted across the walkway leading to the breeding facility.

Wrex was at his side, looking as furious as ever after encountering the krogan doctor in the lab. Shepard doubted he had enjoyed having to kill one of his own, especially one who had aided in a cure for the genophage. He sighed with frustration as he hit the control for an elevator. _Fuck this place._ He was feeling incredibly eager to blow it all to hell. The squad piled into the elevator, collectively catching their breath. Shepard looked them over. He had been pushing them hard, moving forward quickly and relentlessly. But it was necessary. If they didn't get there in time, this would all have been for nothing, and they would lose a likely half-insane Saren again.

Another pulse, and Shepard's face screwed up as he kept himself from being taken in by it. His brain was burning with the flashing of fire and the looming darkness of space. _What the goddamn fuck. _The beacon's vision had been a consistent lull in his mind since Eden Prime, always present but something he was usually able to ignore. Now it strained against him, made itself known. _Why is it doing this now?_

His question was answered as the door swung open to reveal a large platform, a console, and a glowing, intact Prothean beacon. Shepard stumbled out of the elevator towards the thing. Its draw was overwhelming.

"Oh, wow! A beacon! I never thought I'd see one, it's so incredi- "

Liara's usual gushing exclamations on the glory of the Prothean Empire were cut short as they seemed to notice Shepard fall into the beacon's grasp.

"Shepard!" Garrus shouted. Shepard's eyes darkened.

"No, it'll pull you in too!" It was Kaidan, but any further response was cut off by the beacon's scream.

_Again, there was screaming. People fleeing burning cities. Works of machine and flesh. Wires laced through tissue. Screaming and screeching and then a deafening roar as it went farther, but closer. Over the fires of many suns and closer to it. A planet. But the planet was more, there was something hidden there. It showed him a place. A place that held what he wanted._

_Then silence, crushing silence. And Sovereign._

The commander's eyes opened, a pinhole of light entering and spreading, bringing him back to reality. His breathing was rapid, his head feeling like it might split at the seams. But the pull was gone. His head was clear again, though aching, as he looked up. And he might finally have the missing piece. He might know at last where the Conduit is.

"Shepard! Spirits, Williams wasn't joking about those things kicking your ass." Garrus grabbed his arm and dragged him up. Shepard grunted his thanks, a hand running through his hair. Kaidan grinned at him from behind the turian, relief clear on his face.

"I'd like to see you get your brain probed and come out looking as good as me." The Spectre gave the turian a weak grin, and Garrus snorted and shook his head.

"Shepard."

"Wrex?"

"This computer wants to talk to you." The krogan announced, his voice its usual low grumble. Shepard glanced up to see a very large, red holographic image looming over them all. An image of Sovereign. He made his way up the stairs quickly, pacing up to stand directly in front of the thing.

"You are not Saren."

_Looks like we've got ourselves a detective here. _

"This is not good…" Garrus mumbled behind him. Shepard frowned, staring up at the holograph. _What the hell is this thing?_

"Maybe it's some sort of VI? I could try to hack it, see what is stored here. At least this console seems to still be functional." Tali shrugged, taking a half-step forward, eager to try. She stopped as the booming voice spoke again, sending a shiver through the team.

"Rudimentary creatures of blood and flesh. You touch my mind, fumbling in ignorance, incapable of understanding."

Shepard glared up at the thing, his gut filled with the sinking feeling of apprehension. _Yeah, fuck you too. What are you?_

"I don't think this is a VI." Liara supplied, rather unhelpfully, before the giant continued.

"There is a realm of existence so far beyond your own you cannot even imagine it. I am beyond your comprehension. I am Sovereign!" Despite the thing's mechanical monotone, the machine sounded distinctly arrogant. And suddenly, everything was clear. Saren, the geth, the indoctrination anywhere they went, how it affected anyone aboard. Sovereign's immense size and capability. And now, it's apparent sentience. The ship wasn't just constructed from Reaper technology.

"You're a Reaper." Shepard's voice was quiet, damning. His body was washed over simultaneously by awe and a sickening feeling of disgust as he spoke to this creature, this monster.

"Reaper? A label created by the Protheans to give voice to their destruction. In the end, what they choose to call us is irrelevant. We simply are."

"No, no, the Protheans vanished 50,000 years ago. You could not have been there. It's impossible!" Liara said petulantly. Shepard sighed as the monster continued enlightening them to their shortcomings.

"Organic life is nothing but a genetic mutation, an accident. Your lives are measured in years and decades. You wither and die. We are eternal. The pinnacle of evolution and existence. Before us, you are nothing. Your extinction is inevitable. We are the end of everything."

"Before us, you didn't exist." Shepard snarled. "Before us, there was nothing. You had to be created by organics, it's the only possible explanation. You are only a machine – constructed by us. You can be broken. We made you, and we will stop you."

"Confidence born of ignorance. The cycle cannot be broken. The pattern has repeated itself more times than you can fathom. Organic civilizations rise, evolve, advance. And at the apex of their glory, they are extinguished. The Protheans were not the first. They did not create the Citadel. They did not forge the mass relays. They merely found them, the legacy of my kind."

Shepard's jaw clenched. _Even machines can be fucking assholes. _His mind traveled back to the human discovery of a mass relay, to how it spurred humanity forward into a new age, speeding their advancement astronomically. "And you left them for us why? Why would you want us to find them and advance faster?"

"Your civilization is based on the technology of the mass relays, our technology. By using it, your society develops along the paths we desire. We impose order on the chaos of organic evolution. You exist because we allow it. And you will end because we demand it."

_They're… harvesting us? Why? Why do they need us? _Shepard continued to stare up at Sovereign's image, his eyes set in a steel glare as he tried to puzzle it out. There was no way he was going to step aside while they steamrolled the universe. The machine continued, its voice reverberating through the commander.

"We have no beginning. We have no end. We are infinite. Millions of years after your civilization has been eradicated and forgotten, we will endure. We are each a nation. Independent, free of all weakness. You cannot even grasp the nature of our existence. The time of our return is coming. Our numbers will darken the sky of every world. You cannot escape your doom."

"Are you fucking done?" Shepard finally spoke up, his voice a low growl. "We will not step aside. We will not give up. You have countless species and civilizations ready to face you when you come. You won't win this. So do yourself a favor, and stay the fuck away."

"Your words are as empty as your future." Sovereign called his bluff easily, though no doubt it was just a continuation of the machine's evidently programmed arrogance. "I am the vanguard of your destruction. This exchange is over."

The holograph disappeared, the Reaper effectively hanging up on him. Shepard ducked quickly as the glass broke from the windows lining the walls of the room, a sonic pulse echoing from the console.

"Commander?" Joker's voice was in his ear. "We've got trouble. I think you did something to piss off that big ass ship. Sovereign, I mean. The thing just pulled a turn that would shear any ship I know in half." He let out a disgruntled sigh. "Think maybe you could warn me next time? Anyway, it's coming towards you. I would, you know, maybe wrap things up?"

"Got it, Joker. We're heading to the bomb site now – I think it's about time we blew this place to hell. We'll meet you there."

"Aye, aye, Commander."

"Alright, move out, we've got a bomb to arm. On the double, people!" His brain still ached from the beacon and the encounter with Sovereign, but he sprinted towards the door. They still had an AA gun to take out before the Normandy could land, and he hadn't heard her voice for a while now. The team moved quickly, shooting their way through geth and krogan. His heart rate sped more than was normal for the exertion.

_She'll be okay. Fuck, she'll be okay._


	26. Chapter 26

Her team was being decimated. They had tried to head off a strike on another of the salarian squads on Kirrahe's, but had only accomplished getting theirs destroyed instead. Ashley panted. She had taken a bullet in her shoulder, but it was through-and-through and medigel had patched up the worst of it. She could still keep fighting, she would no matter what. But these salarians, these men that fought for her… There was only a few left. Her squad was dying in front of her again, and they were getting pushed back. But they had to hold.

_Damn it. Better than the best, Williams. Push harder._

Kirrahe's voice was in her ear. Shepard's team had taken out the last AA gun. That meant the Normandy could land. Hope resurfaced in her, joy that Shepard was still pushing forward. She at a salarian private as he was shot down beside her. The soldier snarled and aimed her rifle over the ledge she crouched behind, a spree of shots sounding her rage.

_Almost there. Just have to hold a little longer._

"That's it. We need to clear the geth and set those charges."

It was Kirrahe, again. Shepard must almost be there. The Normandy would be able to land, and they could get back. She could hold on. They all could hold on. He would get it done. And maybe she would get to see him again. Laugh with him, have him hold her, run her hand through that dark, messy hair… Ashley's heart lurched. She flung her last grenade into a group of krogan advancing towards them. She had discovered a new respect for Wrex that day.

"Charges set. Everyone bunker down. Bunker down!" Kirrahe shouted in her ear. She took a deep breath.

It was her queue. She had to get back. She steeled herself and glanced over the ledge, ready to make a break for it, but there were so many. The geth were pushing forward hard, unforgiving to their situation. She fired off a few shots then crouched back down, meeting the gaze of another on her team. His mouth was set in the same grim line.

"Commander." She called over her comm, then her voice softened a little. "Shepard. Come in."

"Ash?" Shepard's voice responded instantly, as if he'd been waiting for her. "Damn it, what are you doing? You need to get back to the rendezvous point! Get there now! We're getting it ready now!"

"Shepard, we're not going to make it. There's too many. We're pinned down at the AA tower. We'll hold them back here while you get that bomb going." Her voice was resigned, and she took a deep breath. She wasn't ready, not for this. She wanted more. To be with him, to understand him, to help him through this. To have him. The admission made her heart contract, but Ashley kept herself quiet. He wouldn't thank her for that now.

"What?!" Shepard's voice was laced with agony, and she choked on tears. "God damn it, Ashley. Fuck that! I'm coming to get you."

She allowed herself a soft smile at his gallantry, but she shook her head, her voice quiet. "Negative, Commander. You have to make sure that nuke is ready to go. The mission comes first, remember?"

There was no response. Gunfire poured over her, and she leaned out to fire back. She didn't want to go, but if she had to, this should be the way it was. Williams would be a name remembered for its bravery, not cowardice. A bullet pierced her arm and she snarled back at her attacker, holding her shotgun the best she could. She wouldn't back down. She wouldn't run away.

She would fight back, she would fight harder, like damn few others could. As any marine should.

xxxxxxxxxxx

"Ash?! Fuck!"

Shepard snarled as the comms cut out with gunfire. Kaidan looked up at him from the nuke.

"Don't worry, Commander. She's tough, she'll be fine. It will take me a few minutes to get this armed anyway – take the team and go and get her." His voice was as calming and sincere as ever. Shepard breathed deep, then nodded.

"Alright. I'll be back soon, get it ready to go. You'll be alright doing it alone?" He was already sprinting towards the door, looking over his shoulder at the lieutenant. The man nodded.

"Yeah, it's not a complex sequence. I've got this, go get Ashley. Bring her back safe."

Shepard nodded. _I will. There's no way I'm letting her go._ He slammed his hand on the control of the large gate in front of him, removing his pistol from his holster. As he expected, geth awaited him and his team, but they pushed through quickly. They were still only fighting a spattering of the forces – and if Ash was being pinned down as bad as it sounded, he knew where the rest had gone. His jaw clenched as he shot the light out of a persistent rocketeer. They made it to the other side of the hall and opened the gate, splashing through flooding water. He ran.

_I'm going to get to her. She's going to be okay._

The plea was desperate in his mind now as he barreled forward, taking the opportunity to pistol whip a krogan that decided to charge him. The beast was relatively unfazed, but Wrex was close behind him with a shotgun and ended things quickly. Shepard pushed on.

_I can't lose her._

But his squad slowed behind him as a ship flew by, and he watched it go by. Its familiar insect-like shape made his heart sink. Geth reinforcements.

"Commander, we've got a problem here." _No. Hell, no. _"A geth ship just landed – they're pouring over the bomb site. There's… There's a lot." Kaidan's voice called over his comm. _Fuck. _It wasn't panicked or desperate. Somehow the man retained the same calm even now.

"How many? Can you hold them off?" Shepard asked quickly, an internal debate raging. He couldn't do this.

"No. There's too many. I don't think I'll make it until you get back." He took a deep breath. There was gunfire. "I'm activating the bomb."

"What? Kaidan, what the hell are you doing?!" _No. Fuck, no. Not again. _Time stopped as he gaped back towards the bomb site. He stood helplessly stuck in the middle. Everything was falling apart. "You have to be fucking joking. Get your ass out of there!"

"Damn it, Scuttlebutt, are you an idiot?" Ashley's voice was back in his ear, and the sound of a few shots accompanied it. _She's still here. She's still alive. _"Shepard, go back and get him out of there!"

"There. The bomb is ready to go." Kaidan's voice was a little uncharacteristically triumphant. "This thing is going off no matter what. Get Ashley and get out of here!" He demanded.

"Oh, screw that. I've got this!" But despite her usual confidence, there was something pained about her voice. Something that tore through his chest. "Go back and get Alenko!"

_No, no no no no._ His heart was in his throat, beating wildly as he grasped the railing, fingers straining at his hold. He couldn't do this again. He couldn't lose anyone else. This was _his _team, and they were being torn apart, throwing themselves away for this fucking mission. He couldn't do it.

"Commander." It was Kaidan, with his calm, genuine voice and easy kindness. "It's okay. You know what you need to do."

"I can't… Fuck!" He snarled, his fist slamming down onto the railing. "Joker, meet me at the AA tower."

"What? No!" Ashley screamed, and there was a prickling of something in his eyes. "Shepard, you have to go back and get him!"

"It's the right choice, and you know it, Ash!" Kaidan cut in, straining for breath.

"Damn it, Kaidan. Stay alive. We'll come back." The commander's voice was desperate, his throat raw as he ran towards the AA tower. "I still owe you a drink, remember?"

The lieutenant gave a soft chuckle. "I think we both know that's not going to happen, Commander. It's been…" Gunfire cut him out, and there was a grunt. The lieutenant wheezed. "It's been an honor, Shepard. Take care of her."

"Kaidan?" There was silence. _Why? Why again? Fuck… _He wanted to stop and scream, to go back and shoot every fucking geth there, but instead he ran faster.

"Kaidan!?" Ashley's cry ripped through him and he couldn't breathe. She cried out his name in pure anguish. It was too much, too overwhelming. But he kept running, the gunfire still clear over her voice. She couldn't die. He couldn't lose her too. "Oh, God, no! Kaidan!"

The team followed him, charging with him through geth and krogan. Shepard hit the gate control to the AA tower and discovered why she had been pinned down – the geth were endless, swarming over the thing to try to get into the bomb site.

"Ash?! Ashley, where are you?" He shouted over the throng of bullets, racing down the platform. The Spectre fired a few quick shots at the head of a destroyer.

"Damn it, Shepard!" The soldier spat at him, hunkered in a corner, a dead salarian at her side. "You should have saved him. He had the bomb. You should have saved _him!_"

The commander crouched down and scooped her up, blood pouring out of her arm and hip. He didn't answer her protests, just held her and carried her quickly back towards the team. The Normandy would be here soon. _She'll be okay._ But something struck his back, a twisting, tearing sensation that seemed to warp his organs and he stumbled. Ashley fell to the ground, struggling to pull her gun. There was a whirring noise behind him, then footsteps. Shepard reached for his pistol.

"Ash, get to cover!" He whirled around and hoped she had listened as he came face to face with Saren. Shepard snarled, raw and wild, and fired shot after shot at the rogue Spectre. But the turian was unfazed. _Of course he has fucking super barriers. Goddamn fucking shit._

"This has been an impressive diversion, Shepard. My geth were utterly convinced the salarians were the real threat." Saren's voice sounded almost as arrogant as Sovereign's. "Of course, it was all for nothing. I can't let you disrupt what I have accomplished here. You can't possibly understand what's really at stake."

"You're working for the goddamned bringers of the apocalypse! What else is there to understand?" Shepard growled back, backing behind a nearby wall.

"They cannot be stopped, Shepard. Do not sacrifice everything for the sake of petty freedoms. You've seen the visions of the beacons - you more than anyone should understand what power the Reapers hold." Saren paced, his head shaking to display his disapproval. "The Protheans fought and were utterly destroyed. But if they had bowed before the Reapers, would they not still exist? Is submission not preferable to extinction?"

"No! Fuck, no!" Shepard spat back. _The masters mark them, change them. They make them obey. _His head screamed in protest. "The Reapers won't just let us live if we allow them to come in. If they don't just outright kill us – which is most likely – they'll use us as slaves. There's no way in hell I'm letting everyone bend their knee and become mindless husks."

"Now you see why I never came forward with this to the Council. We organics are driven by emotion instead of logic. We fight even when we know we cannot win." Saren took a few steps towards him. Shepard kept his gun ready, aimed at the rogue. "Forget your need to fight. Just imagine how many lives can be spared if we work with the Reapers!"

"There won't be any lives spared! There won't be any life left to them! You know what I'm talking about, you know what Sovereign does to the people who get too close." Shepard stepped out fractionally. "That monster indoctrinates anyone who gets close. Takes away their thoughts, their freewill. There is no place where that is preferable." The commander's face twisted with rage and he faced Saren full on, abandoning his cover. "You've spent too much time with that thing, Saren."

"No. I joined Sovereign willingly. I was aware of the… dangers. But this facility… I built it to protect me."

"You're afraid Sovereign has got you too, right? Who has spent as much time with it as you have?"

"No. I've studied indoctrination." The turian walked towards him, his face menacing. "The more control Sovereign exerts, the less capable the subject becomes." A blue light rippled over the rogue, and another warp shot towards the commander. Shepard tried to leap aside, but it was fast, ripping and tearing at him, pulling him inside out. _Fuck. _Shepard stumbled again, falling to one knee.

"You see? This is my saving grace." Saren chuckled, moving closer. "Sovereign _needs_ me. To find the Conduit. To lead the geth, who remain devoted to him. For now, my mind is still my own. And I will not let myself give in to his indoctrination."

"Fuck, are you kidding me?" Shepard rasped, pushing himself back up. "He's already manipulating you, using you to get things prepared for them! You're a tool, just like the geth, and you'll be thrown away just as carelessly. How can't you see it?"

"No!" Saren shouted again, and another warp tore the commander apart. His insides twisted and screamed, and a metallic taste invaded his mouth.

"Shepard!" There was a scream from behind him, but it was silenced quickly by more geth gunfire.

"No. Sovereign _needs _me. If I find the Conduit, I've been promised a reprieve from the inevitable. This is my final hope." He shook his head, stepping closer. "Sovereign is a machine. He thinks like a machine. If I can prove my value, I become a resource worth maintaining. There is no other logical conclusion!"

"How can you do this?!" Shepard snarled, trying to stand as he spat out a mouthful of blood. He leveled his pistol again. "You were a Spectre! You swore to defend the galaxy. Now you're just going to flee to save yourself? Let everyone give themselves up to die or become mindless slaves? How can you be so damn selfish?"

"I'm not! I'm not doing this for myself! Don't you see? Sovereign will succeed. It is inevitable. My way is the only way any of us will survive." Saren shouted back. "But you would stop me. You would undo my work, doom our entire civilization to complete annihilation. And for that, you must die."

Shepard wasted no time firing again, sprinting back to find cover as fast as he could. But his body screamed in protest, blood choking him as it came up through his throat. He kept on the turian, shot after shot hitting Saren. He barely flinched. Only when the rogue's substantial barriers went down did he seem to notice, throwing down his gone and taking long strides towards the commander.

Shepard didn't back down, but it was a fool's choice. The turian towered over him, and was apparently as fast as Garrus as he swung and knocked him to his knees before Shepard could think to block.

"Shepard, no!" It was her, her scream. But he couldn't respond. He felt the pain lance through his twisted organs again as he was hoisted up by his neck. Saren held him with one hand over the still-constant pulse of the waves. It was a long drop. Shepard glared down at the turian, his hands coming up instinctively to clutch Saren's wrist. He felt himself try and gasp for air, his eyes raging against the former Spectre. _Fuck you and your crazy, indoctrinated fucking self._

A shot fired and flew way too near to his face. Saren startled, and his head turned, his furious expression replaced with surprise. Shepard didn't waste a moment._ I really hope he falls backwards._ He drew back his arm and brought it down hard on the turian's face. Saren's grip loosened and he stumbled back, Shepard falling to the very edge of the platform. He gasped for air but quickly composed himself and stood, hoisting his gun, but was hit with another warp. He groaned and fell, his body convulsing and straining in on itself. His head pounded and screamed. Saren moved towards him again.

A siren rang over the facility.

Saren stopped, then turned quickly back towards the hovercraft he had come in on.

"Get back here, you fucking coward!" Shepard choked, stumbling as he stood. Something warm trickled from his ear and down his neck. Saren didn't stop. The commander hoisted his rifle and brought the rogue quickly into scope, but his aim was shaky. He tried to still himself with a breath, keep the black from invading his vision. He shot, and Saren's craft wobbled. The turian clutched his stomach, but didn't stop. He flew straight towards Sovereign's looming figure. "Fuck! No!" He fired another shot, then another. They didn't reach his target. He stumbled, blood now flowing in a steady stream from both ears. He was dizzy.

The whirring of engines alerted him to the Normandy's approach, and he looked up to see the ship landing. He shook himself, trying again to still the black. _Where is she? Where the hell is she?_ He couldn't do it. His mind reeled painfully, with the beacon and Sovereign and… _Oh, fuck, Kaidan. What the fuck._ He wanted to scream again, to refuse to let him go. But he had seen it happen too many times. He knew what this was. There was no time to get him, even if he had survived the geth's onslaught. He choked on blood and tears and stood fully, searching for his team. They struggled forward, the last of the geth put down.

"Damn, Shepard…." Garrus spoke up first, coming forward to support the man with an arm. "You don't know how to die, do you?"

"Where's Ashley?" He choked out, turning from the turian's hold.

"Wrex is getting her. She's injured, needs help." Shepard walked off once he spotted the krogan, pain shooting through him with each step. Something was wringing his intestines. "Shepard!" He ignored Garrus' admonishment, finding Wrex hunched over the soldier, helping her up. Shepard met the krogan's gaze wordlessly. Wrex nodded and stamped away. The commander moved towards the woman as she leaned against a wall, trying to keep herself up. Her eyes, somehow, despite her pain, despite the misery they held, were still on fire. They still challenged him to say something.

He didn't. He couldn't.

But he did step forward. With a grimace of pain he scooped her up and carried her as quickly as he could towards the Normandy, the siren's cry sounding more and more insistent. For once, she didn't protest. Her hands looped around him as they approached the ramp. As the crew rushed down to meet them, Shepard held on. The pain was enormous, but somehow more bearable knowing she was here, she was close, she would be okay. He fell to his knees in the hangar, but still held on. Ashley's face pressed against his neck, her eyes wet with tears. He held her closer. His vision continued to darken, but he didn't let go, the metallic taste building in his mouth.

Kaidan's calm voice echoed in his ear with the steady tide of Virmire's waves.

_Take care of her._


	27. Chapter 27

"_I think we both know that's not going to happen, Commander."_

"_Shepard, you have to go back and get him!"_

He clenched his jaw, his teeth grinding.

"_Kaidan!? Oh, God, no. Kaidan!"_

Her scream ripped through him again, and again. There was always screaming. He fought to keep his breathing steady. Fought to regain consciousness.

"_Owen- Owen, oh god it hurts…" Cassidy's voice begged him, pleaded for help, but then it was his own. "Dad! Shit, Dad, what do I do?!" And he felt the panic, the helplessness, and the screams just kept coming. The colonists, begging and bleeding as they were beaten down, then Akuze, and they all were in his ear again. Agony and terror filled their voices, filling him with fear and then silencing and leaving him with nothing but emptiness. Nothing but death. _

"_Don't you see? Sovereign will succeed. It is inevitable."_

Pain wracked his body, twisted and wrung him dry. He convulsed trying to escape it, but something held him down. He panicked and struggled against it. Everything was a mess in his mind, a mix of screams and silence and the pulse of the beacon. Blood and bile filled his mouth, and only the scent of death was in his nostrils. The scent of filth. They held him down, but he wasn't an animal. He fought whatever restrained him, embracing the rage, but something sharp hit him. He was left with the screams. He couldn't fight.

"_Shepard, no!" She screamed again as he felt the ball of energy tear through him, as he saw Saren fly away. _

_He had failed. Again._

"_You __**left**__ us. You said you'd get us out. You told me we would make it out. You can shove your apologies and your promises up your ass. We trusted you, and you left. You left your team behind." Toombs' eyes bore into him, damning him. _

_And he deserved it. He left them. He left his family. He left Kaidan. His life was forged at the cost of others. He couldn't do it anymore. He couldn't kill any more people._

Sovereign's image loomed in his mind as he was engulfed again by darkness.

"_Your words are as empty as your future."_

xxxxxxxx

The soldier just watched. Watched as Chakwas and a few crew members strapped him down, as the doctor sedated him once more. She couldn't think of words to speak, of any way to offer help. Her wounds would be healed soon. The gunshots had gone through clean and she probably wouldn't even have scar. It wasn't right. For a moment, she envied Shepard his pain. Maybe it was helping him forget. But from the sound that was coming from his chest, she doubted it.

_Jesus, Kaidan… What the hell were you thinking?_

She wanted to cry. She wanted nothing more than to break down. But she couldn't. Not now. She felt…numb. So she just watched, silent, as Chakwas worked him over, flooded him with meds. He was going to be okay. Shepard was always okay. But Kaidan was dead. And she was exhausted. Chakwas kept working, but she wasn't able to watch as she drifted to sleep.

Something low and agonizing woke her, some sound that broke her heart. Ashley opened her eyes groggily, her brow wrinkling in confusion. Where was she? The medbay?

There was another groan. Shepard murmured something, his deep voice sounding anguished and incoherent. And it all hit her again – Virmire, the salarian squad, Saren. And Kaidan.

_Oh, God, Kaidan…_

Ashley let free a single sob, but clamped her throat shut before she could again. She couldn't break now. She needed to keep going, to keep fighting. To stay strong. This mission was too important. Saren had confirmed it, as he assaulted Shepard over and over with his damn biotics. And Shepard just kept getting up.

"_No!_" The soldier jumped as Shepard shouted, and she stared at him. In the dim light she couldn't completely make out his features. She stood and walked across the room towards him. His eyes were still closed. He was sleeping, but his wrists were still tied down by restraints. Ashley wondered why they had kept them on him while he slept. "Can't…"

He was sweating, the veins in his neck pulsing wildly, his muscles bound into thick cords. Ashley frowned as she watched him. _He's having a nightmare._ She wanted to reach out, to comfort him, but something held her back. _Why does he get to break? _The spiteful thought sickened her, and she shook her head instantly trying to clear it. This was _Shepard. _But there was something bitter in her as she looked at the man. _He left Kaidan. He left him behind, even when I told him not to. _The soldier stepped back, anger flaring in her as she watched him. Shepard thrashed against his bonds. _I __**told**__ him to make sure that bomb went off. I __**told**__ him to save Kaidan._ He had no reason to save her. Kaidan outranked her, Kaidan had the bomb. Kaidan was a great man who deserved a long, long life. Kaidan shouldn't have been the one.

Shepard made some low, mournful nice that send a ripple of pain through her. It was so terribly agonizing her eyes were wet again, her feet disobeyed her and stepped forward. She reached out to grab his hand as the thrashed again.

It wasn't him. He might be breaking, but it wasn't something to envy, and it didn't mean he had stopped fighting. His hand clasped hers painfully, as if it were a lifesaver. He didn't leave Kaidan, he saved her. He chose her. The bomb was going to go off anyways. So he chose to save her. Ashley felt as if something was crushing her. She felt no anger. Only guilt. If she hadn't have gotten pinned down like that, if they had made it to the rendezvous point like they were supposed to, if she would have just held the line, instead of allowing herself to be pushed back, instead of allowing herself to live up to her Grandfather's damned legacy.

If she were better, Kaidan would be alive.

The only reason she was here was Shepard. Because of whatever she and Shepard were. It made her feel sick. But the guilt was only worsened when she realized some part of her still wanted it, so much and so absolutely it hurt. And Kaidan knew that. He had accepted it, even though it had killed him. _I always said he was too nice for his own good…_ A sob escaped her, and she covered her mouth with her free hand to stop it.

The commander bucked off the bed, once again unconsciously fighting his binds. "_no…"_ Ashley's heart dropped as he choked the word out again, and she grasped his hand tighter. He was a mess. A broken, hurt, cold, angry, sensitive, funny, handsome mess. The man had been through so much, survived so much, it was a wonder he was still alive. That he still fought. That he hadn't given up. She reached down, a hand cupping his now clenched jaw. He groaned and struggled again. The soldier glared at the bonds and removed her hands from Shepard, leaning down to try and untie him. _Why the hell do they have him tied up like this? _She wasn't just going to watch him struggle anymore. She had to help.

"Chief Williams, don't." Chakwas voice called quietly out to her, and the soldier spun around in surprise. She flushed, unsure how long the doctor had been watching her. Chakwas stepped forward. "He needs sleep."

Ashley blinked for a moment, then glared at the woman. "And these are helping him how?" She hissed back, her voice a low whisper.

"He must stay as still as possible. I'm keeping him as sedated as I can, as frequently as I am able, but unfortunately the Commander has frequent nightmares. Those coupled with the stress of the mission, his history, and his injuries, he is highly at risk for a severe post-traumatic episode. He will likely be unreasonable, irrational. Until he is fully aware, I need to make sure he is restrained to minimize the risk that he furthers his own injuries, or injures others."

"He's not still now, though." Ashley wasn't intimidated in the least by the doctor's steel gaze. "Look at him! I'm not going to let him just lie there in pain."

"Then continue to hold his hand, Chief. Comfort him. The Commander needs to rest." It was an order. The doctor met her gaze steadily, her voice quiet and even. "His injuries were catastrophic. He had severe internal bleeding and nearly all of his organs were damaged and shutting down. It's truly a testament to his will to live that he walked back on this ship. Or his stubbornness." She shook her head. A small, sad smile played at her lips as she glanced towards Shepard. He was shaking now, and she sighed. "He will recover. We were able to replace most of his blood and flood his veins with enough medigel to raise a corpse, but his injuries are not purely physical." Chakwas looked back to Ashley, her eyes studying the soldier, critical. "Shepard will need stability now more than ever. I discuss this with you because you have acted as an anchor of sorts to him in these past weeks. He has been improving. But today, you suffered too."

Ashley glared at her, her arms crossing against her chest. "What are you trying to say?"

"Losing Kaidan was a great blow to this ship. He was a wonderful, kind man." Chakwas looked away for a moment. "What I'm saying is you are grieving. You need to consider what's best for you. The Commander will be struggling, likely striking out against those closest. His propensity for vengeance and commitment to his duty, his purpose, won't allow him to forget about the mission, but he will likely pull away from everything else. What I'm saying is you need to decide if you will be able to remain a constant through it. He cannot risk further imbalances. Shepard needs support, but it will not help him or you if you find you can no longer handle it."

The soldier stiffened, her brows knit together as she gaped at the doctor. _Can no longer handle it? She has no idea…_ "Thank you for your concern, _Doc_, but I'll be fine. I'm not just going to leave him here and let him go through this alone." She spat, a little more loudly than she meant to. The doctor stared back at her for a moment, assessing her, then gave a single nod.

"Good." Chakwas said simply, turning, then stopping herself. "And Chief, I am here to talk, if you need to. You have been through a great deal recently as well." Ashley simply glared, a hand coming to her hip as the doctor turned at walked out of the medbay. The soldier sighed, and turned.

Green eyes glowed oddly bright in the dim room, wide and darting this way and that. They found her as she went to his side. Shepard's breathing was still rapid. His gaze was unsteady, not registering her right away. "Shepard, hey…" Her voice was soft, easy. She saw him let go of a breath, saw the rise and fall of his chest begin to slow. His brow creased and his eyes narrowed, trying to see her. "Hey, I'm here. It's okay." The hand closest to her lifted, but was pulled back down. The action confused him and he stilled. A visible shiver ran across his body.

"Let me out." He wasn't looking at her now, he had lifted his head to look at his cuffed hands. "_Let me out._" Shepard's voice was menacing, low and angry. He tugged at them again.

"Shepard, hey, look at me." Shepard's green eyes lifted, bloodshot and wide. "Doc says we have to keep you strapped up for now, so you don't move too much." The look he gave her was filled with enough hatred to make her blood turn to ice. "You were hurt, remember? You need to rest. Don't worry about the restraints, we'll get them off in the morning."

"_No._" He snarled. "I'm not a fucking animal." Ashley stared at him, dumbfounded. "Let me out. I need to go, I need to get him, I need to save them. _Fuck. _I'm so sick of those goddamn sirens!" He tried sitting up and pulling at the restraints, but it was futile. _Sirens? What sirens?_ The muscles in his arms bulged from the strain. "I need to… Oh, fuck…" His eyes screwed shut as he choked out the last word.

"Shepard, please, look at me." His eyes remained shut as he shook his head. "Please. It's Ash, Shepard. You're okay. We're okay." He looked at her, but it was a gaze full of sorrow.

"No. It's not okay. He's dead. I killed him. _I killed him_. I killed him like all the others. He got close, and now he's dead. Like my family, like Cass, like my unit. I killed Kaidan. _I_ killed him." It was rapid, deluded.

"No, you didn't. It wasn't your fault."

"It was. I chose. He died because I chose it. I should have pushed faster, should have gotten to you faster. I could have saved you both. I killed him, and I almost killed you. I-"

"Shut up!" Ashley spat, and he glared at her. "You didn't kill him. _You didn't._ Yeah, we're both partly to blame for Kaidan being the one to die. But Saren killed him. Virmire killed him. That bomb killed him. Stop being an idiot and trying to blame yourself for this too." Her voice lost its heat towards the end. He stared at her, his eyes searching again.

"Ash…" He frowned, finally acknowledging her, green eyes meeting hers. "I'm… It's too much."

"I know." She murmured, one hand grasping his and the other coming to thread itself in his hair. His eyes closed gratefully. "I know." She sat back into a seat near the bed, leaning forward to rest her elbows beside him.

"I'm so sorry. I'm so, so sorry…"

Her eyes burned, unbidden tears trying to come again. She blinked them away.

"Yeah…" Ashley muttered, her voice a whisper as she stroked his hair again. Funny, how this was what she wanted to do when she thought she was going to die. She didn't have the strength to wonder what that meant. To consider why Kaidan's last words to Shepard had been about her. The thought of her friend pushed a stream of fresh tears from her and she struggled to hide them by burying her face in his arm. "Me too."


	28. Chapter 28

Shepard's mind throbbed as the vision dissipated again. He rolled his neck, brows firmly knit together as he tried to breathe it out. His eyes opened and he faced the asari. The blackness in her own eyes was fading, returning them to their usual blue. The commander stared at her and said nothing.

"I… I never thought the images would be so intense." _You have got to be fucking kidding me. _"I need a moment to collect myself."

Shepard's fists clenched as he glared at Liara. The asari looked visibly shaken, but he couldn't find it in him to care. He had lost his patience back on Virmire. They were all shaken. They all needed to collect themselves. Now wasn't the time.

"We don't have a moment, Liara." He growled. The asari frowned and looked to the floor. The rest of the team shifted uncomfortably in their seats. "We need to find Saren. Now."

"Yes. Yes, of course, I'm sorry. It was simply so intense, and I am very tired. It was overwhelming."

"The vision." The command was clipped and demanding. He caught a wary look from Garrus, but ignored it.

"Right, I am sorry. It… It was a warning. A distress call sent out to warn against the Reapers. To warn… us."

_Oh, is that what a warning is meant to do? _"And the Conduit? Where is it?"

"Yes… There were images. Locations. Places I recognized from my research… Ilos! The Conduit is on Ilos!"

Shepard's fists relaxed as he nodded. "Good." A hand came up to run through his hair. "That's good." The asari slumped in relief and Shepard fought the urge to roll his eyes. "Go." He grunted. Liara's eyes widened. "Get some rest." She paused, her mouth opening fractionally. "Unless you have something else to add?" The commander growled, his mouth setting into a hard line.

"I… No. No, I will go." Liara murmured, flustered, then walked towards the door. Shepard's eyes followed her.

"We're going to Ilos. Get ready." He commanded, the Spectre's eyes drifting over the rest of them. Tali wrung her hands.

"Commander… I don't think that's a great idea." The quarian muttered, glancing anxiously to the turian at her side. Garrus was watching Shepard like a hawk. "Ilos is through the Mu Relay, out in the Terminus systems. The Alliance, the Council, even Spectres aren't welcome there." _I know that._ Shepard bit his tongue, literally, to keep himself from lashing out at the nervous woman. "Saren will have his entire fleet. All of those geth…" Her voice broke off as she slumped. "Going out there alone would be suicide."

"We can't afford to sit here and let Saren get away. We need to be there waiting." The commander stayed standing and paced the room. "You all saw Sovereign. You heard what he said. His little buddies are coming to harvest us, to use us for hell knows what and to kill _everyone._" Shepard's fist lashed out at the comm terminal, slamming down with a _crack._ He stilled and drew in a sharp breath, his hand running through his hair again. He was furious. At everything, everyone. Mostly, at himself. He wanted to drink and fuck and forget. To beat something, anything until his knuckles were raw and his muscles aching. To do _anything _to stop feeling this. This fucking helplessness, this burning rage. "Saren is trying to bring them back. He's losing himself to their influence. Stopping him is the only way we can stop the Reapers – or at least stall them. We're going. There is no other option."

Shepard turned from the terminal to face them. They were regarding him with mixed expressions of fear, sadness, and mistrust. Ashley's eyes found his, watching him, daring him. He sighed.

"Commander, there is another option." Garrus spoke up, mandibles drooped as he watched the Spectre. "The Council."

"Those pyjaks have done nothing for us so far. There is no reason they would start to now." Wrex grumbled in his usual surly way.

"With what we saw on Virmire, coupled with the testimonies of the surviving members of Kirrahe's unit, they have to believe us. They will send the fleet, get us a way in. We'll have no problem with the geth if they're with us."

"_If_ they help." Shepard growled. "If they decide they want to be involved. They're not big on gestures of support." He shook his head. "It'll put us at least a day behind Saren. It's too much of a risk. Normandy's stealth drive should get us in safely. We're going."

"Then we only have to deal with the legion of geth he brings to land, right? I'm in no hurry to try that again, _sir_." Ashley's voice cut him, and as he met her gaze her brown eyes were on fire. "We can't do this alone, Shepard. We're going to lose a lot more people if we try."

"We'll lose everyone if we don't." He glared back at her and she held it, her brows knitting together angrily. "We're going."

"And we'll have absolutely no chance of saving anyone if you go and get yourself killed diving into this! We're not ready. We're exhausted, low on supplies, and completely alone out here. Saren will eat us alive before we land, and then the Reapers will roll through anyways – and do it unopposed. Get your head on straight, Shepard." Ashley's eyes narrowed, becoming pained. "Kaidan didn't sacrifice himself so you could throw the rest of us away."

It was like a hard, swift blow to the stomach. His mind was sent reeling. He knew he deserved it. Shepard backed up and sat, his hand coming up to mess his tangled, greasy hair. _I'm going to get them all killed. _Ashley just sat and watched, daring him to fight her. Garrus' mandibles dropped to the floor as he gaped at the soldier, but composed himself after a moment and nodded.

"She's right, Commander. We're not ready for this." The turian muttered, his small blue eyes trying to assess the man before him. Shepard rubbed his hands over his face, over the too-scruffy beard developing on his jawline. He felt sick and dirty and helpless, and more pissed than he had been before.

Shepard glared at the two of them then waved a hand dismissively. "Fine." He grunted resentfully. "I'll send off the report to the Council and see if they'll help. But we can't wait around – one way or another, we are doing this. Saren has to go down. So you all had better _get_ ready before we do." They said nothing. Tali's hands were wringing each other so tight he wondered if it hurt. Wrex, however, looked mildly amused. "Dismissed."

Garrus gave him one last assessing look and stood, following a practically running Tali out of the room. Wrex lumbered to his feet.

"Shepard."

"Wrex."

"You did not mention the genophage cure."

"No, Wrex. I didn't." Shepard's hand tethered itself to his scalp. "We couldn't get anything from Saren's lab, you know that. His computers were filled with that strange code – Reaper code, probably. Who knows." He sighed. "We'll put it right, Wrex. If that asshole could make one, you better believe we can find a way to too."

The krogan's red gaze met his. He had lost the rage he possessed back on Virmire. Now he just looked cool, calculating. And really fucking intimidating in such close quarters. "I'll hold you to that." Wrex growled. "Shepard." The krogan nodded shortly, turning for the door.

"Wrex."

Shepard watched him leave, the door swishing closed and leaving a heavy silence behind. He skillfully avoided Ashley's gaze and instead chose to stare at the inside of his hands as he rubbed his eyes. _I can't deal with this right now. _When he finally brought them down slowly and risked a peek at her, the soldier remained seated, watching him with a fiery glare. She had sat with him for hours in the medbay, was at his side until he was finally deemed physically and mentally well enough to resume command. But now… Looking at her made him ashamed of himself, of his actions, of what he was. He wanted to say it was all a crock of shit - that he was fine and she should stop looking at him like he was going to shatter. But it was only getting worse. There was just too much to remember, too much to relive. And Ash had been there for it. For him drifting in and out, cursing and struggling and tearing at those goddamned restraints every time he started to fall back asleep. He would wake up with a shout every time his dreams brought him to them, all of those he couldn't save.

It wasn't a side of him he ever wanted to share with her. And her reaction… _Fuck._ If he was reading the alternating looks in her eyes correctly, the woman had seemed to be torn between pity and disgust. Shepard hated it. Hated that she knew what he was. Worthless, cracked. Neither of them had said more than the bare minimum – his apologies, her brief consoling words. She was drawing away from him. He knew it, he understood it. He deserved it. But for some reason, she had still stayed. She had stayed, sat at his side and held his hand. And despite the anger, the helplessness, the shame, he didn't want her to leave. He _needed_ her.

"You need a shower." Ashley observed wryly, breaking the silence and crossing her legs. Her brown eyes were still full of fire, ready to fight. She looked like a cat ready to pounce.

"I'll shower later. I need to send a request to the Council now, remember?" Shepard growled. His voice sounded petty even to him, but he didn't care. The soldier rolled her eyes.

"It's the right decision, Shepard. Stop being an ass."

"I'm being an ass? You have to be fucking kidding." The commander's voice was kept low. His green eyes met her challenge. "That was a low blow bringing Kaidan into this, Ash, and you know it."

"It proved my point, didn't it?" She spat back. "You're trying to pull the same stunt you did at Cerberus HQ. You don't think when you get mad, Shepard. You throw all caution aside for a chance at revenge. You're going to end up risking your life, or one of ours, in the process. It's not okay. You'd know that, if you didn't have your head so far up your ass." Ashley crossed her arms, settling back in her seat.

Shepard shook his head, a hand running through his hair in exasperation. _Just what I needed._ "This mission is everything. This isn't like Cerberus. This isn't just about revenge. There are _billions_ of lives at risk. I'm not going to fuck around and wait for the Reapers to come until we're 'ready'. We're never going to be ready, Ash. The beacon, the vision… They completely _destroyed_ the Protheans. All of them. It wasn't war, it was slaughter. If we're going to have any chance against them, we need to get to Ilos and find out what the hell this Conduit does and stop Saren."

"I get that, Shepard. I have been listening, believe it or not." Ashley snarked, rolling her eyes. "But it doesn't change the fact that we aren't ready. We need help and we need rest. You need rest." Shepard's eyes narrowed as she spoke. The woman paused, her lips pressing into a hard line. "I mean it, Shepard. You need to get your head on straight. The team has been through enough without you ordering suicide runs."

The commander leaned forward marginally as a hand came up to pinch the bridge of his nose. "You're doubting my command." The statement was quiet - a low, deep whisper. She didn't respect him anymore. Didn't want to follow him. He was going to lose her. The realization hit him hard.

"What?" Ashley's brow furrowed. "I don't doubt you, Shepard. I know you'll see us through this. I'm just worried."

"Then why do you believe I'd throw your lives away, Ash? I would never sacrifice…" Shepard's voice trailed and he was silent. His heart dropped, the sirens in his ears. The commander rolled his neck to clear his head. "That's it, right? You blame me."

The soldier gaped at him, then fixed the expression into one of rage. "Are you serious?" She snarled. "You know that's not true."

"You blamed me. And it's okay, it was me. He's dead because of me. But if you can't follow my command because of it, I need to know."

Ashley stood suddenly, the action smooth and agile and full of fury. She moved to stand before him. "Stop it!" She cuffed him, her hand smacking over the top of his head. "Stop blaming yourself. I didn't blame you. Or at least I don't anymore. I thought I did at first, but now…" She glared down at him. "It wasn't just you. It was me."

Shepard looked up at her, frowning. "What? Ash, it sure as hell wasn't your fault. You were caught in a bad situation."

"And so were you, so was Kaidan. It was a hellhole, Shepard. There wasn't a good way for that to end. But I didn't blame you for choosing me over Kaidan. But I did… I do blame us."

The commander's eyes narrowed, his brow creasing further. "That's why you haven't been talking to me? You don't want to do… this?" Words failed him, but anger and hurt and longing spiraled through him. He stood and she took a step back in surprise. "No one's said you have to. Walk away from it, if you want to so badly, if you think I'm so damn toxic. I'm not stopping you."His stomach lurched uncomfortably as an incredible sense of aloneness washed over him. _I can't._ _Not without her._

"Damn it, Shepard, stop it!" Ashley hissed back, taking a step back towards him and shoving his chest. The touch sent electricity through him. "I never said that. Stop assuming the worst in everything, it's seriously getting old." The commander glared at her, steeling his resolve. She matched his intensity. "Stop trying to push me away, trying to push everyone away. You've been going off on anyone who looks at you wrong. I get it, you're mad, you've seen more than I can imagine, but stop being a dick and taking it out on us. And on the mission. And on yourself." Ashley shook her head, exasperated. "You're not thinking things through, not assessing risks. You're being reckless again." She paused, frowning a little. "It's like… You're losing your grip or something. I don't know. But I do know that even though you are, even though you're totally embodying Commander Asshole right now, I didn't sit by your bed all night and watch you struggle just so I could walk away. I'm not done with you yet."

Shepard was silent, his overfull brain trying to process her words. She wanted to stay? He couldn't comprehend it. He was moody, broody, and by her analysis a complete asshole. "Why? It doesn't sound like you particularly like me. Why bother?" Her brandy eyes met his and narrowed.

"God, you really are an idiot sometimes." Ashley scowled, and shoved him again. She was close now, and his heart was pulsing, full of tension and anxiety. "You're an amazing Commander, a great marine- when you're not being an ass. You captain the finest tin can in the Alliance fleet. And you're a good man, Shepard. This... It's not a bother. I -" The soldier frowned, glancing at the ground. He missed the warmth flooding her eyes and reached out to pull her chin back up. "I… want you to be happy." She pulled away, rolling her eyes at herself. Shepard's eyes widened as he was momentarily stunned.

He pulled her back. "Ash... I'm sorry. Fuck, I am an ass."

"Yep."

Shepard frowned, running his fingers over her cheek, down her jaw to her lips. "Why is it I always end up apologizing?" He felt her skin raise goosebumps under his touch, but her brown eyes didn't leave his.

"Because you're always the one being an idiot." Her lips moved under his thumb. He savored the feeling before his hand travelled down and around her neck. Ashley sighed, her eyes closing for a beat before reopening with an amused and mildly scolding look. "Skipper, our situation hasn't changed."

"Yeah…" Shepard's fingers wove themselves into her hair, finding the tie that secured it back and pulling it free. The soldier rolled her eyes, her lips curling into a smirk. His blood heated as he watched them part. She was so damn beautiful, so distracting. He felt the haze of the last few days evaporate as his gaze drifted downwards.

"You know, we're still Alliance marines. On the Normandy. In a very public room." Her hand pulled his jaw back up to meet her gaze, her brow arched comically.

"Yeah." The anger, the regret in his voice had been replaced by a deep, rumbling want. She took a slow, steadying breath, eyes closing again as his hand curled in the hair at the back of her neck, the other wrapping around her waist. _Fuck, I need this._ He pulled her closer.

"And you have a Council to call to, you know, save humanity and the rest of the galaxy. Those aliens aren't going to wait around." Her voice was low, husky, but her hand rested against his chest and pushed him back subtlety. Disapproval rumbled in his chest. Ashley grinned. "Aw, come on, Skipper. No time to waste, remember?" The soldier pulled herself free of him.

"Ash…" Shepard frowned as she repeated his words, reality hitting him again in full force. He just wanted to escape it. He just wanted her.

"You'll get us through this, Commander. Start believing it." Something devilish flooded her brandy eyes. "Maybe then I'll show you what a hellcat I am _off_ the battlefield, too." The soldier's lips curved into a sensuous smirk and Shepard inhaled a sharp breath. His heart raced as he was left with a different kind of tension. She turned and sashayed to the door with her ever-present confidence. His eyes found her hips, baggy casuals doing little to mask her curves. _Damn. _"And stop staring at my ass, ass."

Shepard allowed himself a smirk. She always had a way of making it better, making it okay again. Despite everything, she was still the same. Still confident. Still so damn strong. And so fucking hot. He watched her go and took a breath, trying to cool his blood. Trying to focus himself, steel his resolve for this meeting with the Council. He'd sent off the basics of the mission in a report while he was still confined to the medbay, but it had been days. The time had flown by in a haze, the imaginary and reality blurring together. He knew that hadn't just magically changed. That tonight he'd dream again of Kaidan and Toombs and his unit, of Cass and his father, but he'd had a moment – a moment with her in which he didn't feel like screaming or running or fighting. For now, that was enough.

He stepped forward with one last deep breath. "Joker."

"Uh, Commander? That you?" The pilot's astonished voice sounded in the comm room.

"Yes, Joker." Shepard rolled his eyes at the intercom. "I need the Council. Patch me through."

"On it. I'll try to set up a link." The pilot was far more compliant than usual. It made Shepard's brow crease in confusion. "Got 'em. Patching you through."

"Commander Shepard." The asari councilor beamed at him. "I'm glad to see your mission on Virmire was a success." _Oh, fuck you. _Shepard's mouth set in a grimace.

"Yes. Saren is formidable enough without an army of krogan behind him." Sparatus drawled, looking as pleased as ever to be dealing with the human Spectre.

"Virmire was not a success. The krogan were the least of our problems. Saren still has Sovereign. He still has the Reapers closing in on us. We need to get ready for an attack."

"Yes…" Valern paused, and the three Councilors shared a conspiratorial glance. Shepard's fists clenched. "We saw mention of this in your report. Sovereign – a sentient machine. A true race of artificial intelligences." The salarian's holograph eyed Shepard with obvious speculation. "This news is quite alarming… if it turns out to be accurate."

"You have to be shitting me!" Shepard's thin veil of composure was torn. "Sovereign is a Reaper. Saren even admitted to it!"

Sparatus' mandibles fluttered in amusement. "He's playing you, Shepard. Saren still has contacts on the Citadel. He probably saw your earlier reports. The ones about your 'visions'," He paused, letting his obviously low opinion of them be known, "And the Reapers."

Valern nodded. "It's highly possible Saren is using false information to throw you off balance. Our own intelligence has never turned up any corroborating information."

"Oh, this is fucking great. You're just going to ignore me? Again? What's the point of making me a Spectre if you disregard all information I bring to you?" _Deep breaths. _Shepard eyed the disconnect button.

"Try to see this from our perspective, Commander. Saren is a threat we can understand." Tevos sounded as patronizing as ever. "However, as far as we know, the Reapers only exist in your… visions." The three aliens watched him with scrutiny.

"Let me guess, you can't take any official action here?"

Tevos gave him a shrewd, annoyed look. "That is correct, Commander. If you truly believe these Reapers are a threat, it is you who must take action against them. That is why the Council has the Spectres."

"So you're just going to allow Saren to pour over the galaxy with his geth? They're not going to just stop at human colonies. Saren and the Reapers will come for everything, destroy everything. You need to prepare the fleet!" Shepard clenched the console in front of him. _How the fuck can they be so blind. _"We know where Saren is heading - to Ilos. The Conduit is there, it's what he's been looking for this whole time. Whether you believe me or not about the Reapers, you have to know that even he alone is a threat. We need to get there before he swarms the Citadel. Strike against him before he hurts anyone else."

The councilors were silent for a moment. They exchanged looks, all remaining coolly impassive. Tevos, diplomatic as ever, spoke up.

"We will… consider this, Commander, and alert you once we have come to a decision." The two others said nothing. Tevos nodded. "Until we speak again, Commander."

Their holographs flickered out, and Shepard felt as if he was stuck right back where he started.


	29. Chapter 29

"They're not going to help?"

"That's what they have Spectres for._" _Shepard repeated the Council's words sarcastically. He threw another hit at the punching back. Then another. Garrus crossed his arms. "They're still 'coming to a decision' on what to do with Saren and his fleet. They've realized _he's_ a threat, at least."

"And the Reapers?"

"Just figments of my imagination, apparently." Shepard growled, watching the turians mandibles droop at his answer. "They have 'no corroborating evidence' and Saren is using false evidence to 'throw me off balance'. Fucking crock of shit." Shepard snarled, pounding on the bag again. "They are just going to sit by and let them destroy everything because it's politically inconvenient for them to step in."

"Damn Citadel and its red tape…" Garrus murmured and shook his head.

Shpeard grunted in agreement, giving the bag a few final swings before backing off. It wasn't helping. He was a mass of pent up energy Sovereign, Kaidan, the Council. Then Ashley, throwing him through a whole new kind of hoop… He felt every kind of frustrated, and until the Council made up their minds on whatever they were going to do, they had no plan. The Spectre stretched his hand and glanced up at the turian. "How could you stand working there? The fucking Council, C-Sec… Damn, that must have been annoying. You don't strike me as a rules and regs kind of guy, turian or not."

Garrus chuckled. "Like I've said, I'm a terrible turian. And you're right – I think the restrictions C-Sec and the Council places over law enforcement hurts just as often as it helps. It was a constant headache having to file endless paperwork on every case, having to get the okay before I busted some major criminal. Letting just as much scum slide by as I cleaned up." His voice was laced with disgust.

"But you stayed?" Shepard's brow furrowed.

"Yeah. I suppose I still hold on to some of the same old ideals: helping people, making a difference. And there's definitely part of me that joined C-Sec because of my father." Garrus sighed, his intense, studious gaze becoming introspective. "He was a career cop – one of the best. I grew up hearing stories about him catching bad guys and righting wrongs. It didn't turn out anywhere near as exciting, but I still stayed. He's hard enough to handle to begin with, so leaving C-Sec…" The turian smirked, a mandible flaring out in an odd sort of expression. "Let's just say he didn't take it well."

"But you're hunting down a fugitive. I would think he'd be happy you're going after Saren."

"Yeah, well, happy isn't really his thing. And going off on my own like this, no rules, no red tape, totally outside the law… He's a C-Sec man to the bone, and the epitome of a good turian. He always told me, 'Do things right, or don't do them at all.'" Garrus snorted a little, the plates above his eyes lowering in consternation. "He said I was being foolish, selfish even, to leave my duty behind. I haven't been in contact with him for a while."

Shepard frowned. "But you're working with a Spectre. Despite my freedoms, I still have to report to the Council. It's a pain in the ass. It has to count for something."

The turian chuckled and shook his head. "My father despises Spectres. Hates the idea of someone having unlimited power and no accountability."

"Really? Unlimited power?" Shepard arched a brow.

"We've gotten up to some things that would have gotten us kicked off the force and likely imprisoned, if we were working with C-Sec. The property damage alone…" Garrus' mandibles flared out in a grin. "No offense, Shepard, but my father would have really hated you."

The commander gave a shrug. "Can't make everyone happy, I guess." Shepard grumbled. "But it's not about pleasing people. It's about getting things done. Saren isn't going to back off and start fighting fair just because we tone it down a little. The Council… Whether or not they send their fleet to help us, we will be doing this. We'll catch Saren no matter what it takes. The stakes are too high to worry about trivialities."

Garrus said nothing for a moment, only considered Shepard's words. "I agree, Shepard. Saren needs to go down. We can't afford to be restricted by policies and procedures. But…" The turian's eyes were piercing. "Who decides what is trivial, Shepard? That's a lot of responsibility for one person. After all, Saren thinks he's doing everything he is for the right reasons."

Shepard's brow furrowed. "Are you comparing me to him, Garrus?"

"No. I know you're not going to do anything to hurt people, Shepard. That's not who you are. But is this still about our mission – about bringing Saren, about stopping the Reapers, about saving the people they threaten - or is it about revenge?"

"Of course I want revenge. Of course I want to get him back for what he's done. But that doesn't mean this isn't still about the mission. I'm not going to let him hurt anyone else, Garrus. I'm not letting him or the Reapers take anyone else away from me." Shepard frowned. "Are you having doubts about coming along?"

"No, Shepard. Just trying to figure some things out. Working with you has…" Garrus cocked his head to the side. "Opened my eyes. To how things can be done. Despite everything, these past few months have been some of the best of my life." The commander blinked. Suddenly the turian's curious looks, his contemplative stares, they made sense. He was studying Shepard, learning from him. It was… surprising. And not good. _I'm not some kind of role model, damn it. _"I believe if anyone can do this, it's you, Shepard. I was just making sure your head is still in this. It's been a long road."

Shepard stared at the turian, unable to find words. Finally, he smirked. "I never took you for the sensitive type, Garrus."

"And there it is." Garrus' mandibles flickered with laughter. "We were all worried you lost the ability to do anything but look like you wanted to punch the next person that spoke. I guess Williams talked some sense into you?"

The commander blanched. "You… could say that." The turian smirked.

"Commander, the Council sent over confirmation of reinforcements. Sounded a little vague though. Udina wants us to report back to the Citadel – they're amassing some kind of super joint species fleet." Joker's voice rang through the hangar. Shepard grabbed a towel and ran it over his face.

Two fingers came up to his ear. "Get us to the Citadel, Joker." He looked back at the turian. "We'll get it done, Garrus." He muttered simply, as much to the turian as to himself. Ash, Garrus, the Council, damn, his whole team… He knew they were apprehensive, unsure if he was going to be able to do it. And he understood it. He wasn't the kind of leader that inspired action and commanded respect. But he was going to do this. He was going to save these people. _Just this once_. Shepard strode quickly towards the elevator, eyeing the watching salarian team as he went. Kirrahe offered an encouraging nod.

_They all had better be ready to help._

xxxxxxxxxx

"Good job, Shepard. Thanks to you, the Council has finally taken real action against the Reapers." Udina said it as if it were actually him the credit was due to. His gloating grin turned Ashley's stomach. _God, he's such a dick._

"The ambassador is correct. If Saren is foolish enough to attack the Citadel – as you believe – we will be ready for him." The asari agreed, but Ashley watched as Shepard tensed, as his fists balled up in anger.

"Patrols are stationed at every mass relay linking Citadel space to the Terminus Systems."

"So that's it? The best offense is a good defense?" Shepard growled, stepping forward. "What about Ilos? We need to stop him before he strikes. We know where he's going – there's no reason to let him get a few hits in before taking him out!"

"Ilos is only accessible through the Mu Relay, deep inside the Terminus Systems, Commander." The salarian's voice was patronizing, and she suddenly understood why Shepard was so pissed every time he finished talking to them. "If we send a fleet in, the only possible outcome is full-scale war."

Ashley watched Shepard breathe deep to try and calm himself down. He was still on the edge. Since Virmire, since Kaidan… Talking to him had helped, but he still didn't laugh as easily. It was hard to get him to talk about anything but the mission. Hard to get him to see her. _Well, maybe not that hard…_ The soldier bit at her lip. He still could just be using her as some sort of bandage, some way to make himself feel better about everything. But the way he was looking at her, everything he said, the way he pulled her against him… _Damn._ Everything was coming to head, and it was getting a lot harder to ignore what she felt. Whatever that was.

Udina was speaking again, but Ashley tuned him out. His voice was annoying enough without listening to the words. She just watched her commander, waited for his reaction. He was looking at the human ambassador like some bug he really desperately wanted to squash.

"I'm going after him. I don't have time for this bullshit." Shepard snarled. Udina pressed a hand to his chest to stop him from turning away.

"This is over, Shepard." Udina said quietly. Shepard's body radiated hate as he looked down at Udina's hand.

"This situation requires discretion. Something the detonation of a nuclear device proves you don't have." The turian's voice flooded the hall with disapproval. The soldier glared at him.

"What the hell happened to 'Good job, Shepard. You did an awesome job slaughtering all those krogan!'?" Shepard spat, shoving Udina's hand off of him and spinning back to the councilors. "I did what I had to on Virmire. If there was another option with the very limited resources I was allowed, you goddamned better believe I would have taken it!" He was shouting, now, pain laced in his words.

Ashley stepped forward, watching him shake with rage. He was going to snap.

"Commander, I suggest you calm yourself. Your style may have served you well in the Alliance and in the Traverse, but Ilos is different. It requires a deft touch. We have the situation under control."

"Under control? You're doing nothing! You're setting up a barricade they're going to bowl over without a second glance!" Shepard spun back to Udina. "If Saren gets to the Conduit, we're all screwed. I'm not letting the Reapers destroy everything because you were unwilling to act."

"Ambassador, I get the sense Commander Shepard isn't willing to let this go." The turian councilor's voice was low, threatening.

"There are serious political implications here, Shepard. Humanity's made great gains thanks to you. But you're behavior, these delusions…" Udina looked Shepard up and down and waved a dismissive hand at him, then turned back to the Council. "You're becoming more trouble than you're worth."

Ashley gaped at the tiny man. "You bastard! You're selling us out!" She hissed. Garrus was beside her, glaring at the Ambassador with similar accusation. Shepard became very still.

"It's just politics, Commander. You've done your job, now let me do mine." The smirk on Udina's face convinced Ashley the bastard really enjoyed this particular part of his job. "We've locked down the Normandy's primary systems. Until further notice, you're grounded."

Ashley's eyes widened, but before she was able to process the thought, Shepard stepped towards the man. One hand moved to the ambassador's throat while the other drew back.

"Shepard!" She threw herself forward and grabbed him. He didn't let go of Udina. "Think about this! We're going to be in a lot worse shape if you break this asshole's nose."

The commander shook her off with a snarl, but dropped the man. Ashley let out a sigh of relief. Udina clasped at his throat. "I will find a way to save your sorry asses, whether you want me to or not." Shepard growled, still towering over the tiny man. Udina was intelligent enough to know to take a step back.

"I think it's time for you and your team to leave, Shepard." Udina spat, turning his back on the Spectre. "This no longer concerns you. The Council will handle it from here. With my help, of course." How he managed to still sound smug after nearly having his face smashed in, she didn't know. And she instantly regretted stopping Shepard.

"This isn't over, Udina. Be glad I have more important things to worry about." Shepard shoved pasted the ambassador and down the stairs without a second glance at the Council. He barreled by Garrus and her, fists clenched and a raging, determined look in his green eyes. Ashley followed instantly.

"So, how do you think we're getting past this particular restriction?" Garrus murmured as he strode to keep up with the commander. Ashley had to pace quicker to match their stride. "I mean, red tape is one thing, but locking down the Normandy?"

"We'll find a way. No matter what, we're getting to Ilos." Shepard growled, taking the steps down towards the elevator two at a time. "And then, after we save all of these fuckers, Ash is going to let me punch Udina's face in." His hand slammed on the door control and the turian simply chuckled.

"Aye aye, Skipper."


	30. Chapter 30

**Ah! So close to the end. I hope everyone is still enjoying reading. All your positive comments are so great, and more appreciated than you know. Hopefully you all will continue following my Shepard through the events of the next two games. Thanks again, and as always, comments and critique welcome!**

**The poems in this chapter are **_**Invictus**_** by William Ernest Henley and **_**Your Laughter**_** by Pablo Neruda.**

**Enjoy!**

**xxxxxxxxx**

"Shepard! What the hell!" Joker greeted him as they finished their decontamination cycle. "You got us grounded?!"

"Hey, Joker. Shut it." Ashley warned. Shepard simply glared at the pilot as they stepped on deck.

"No. I'm not going to shut it. We're _grounded. _How the hell am I supposed to be the best pilot in the universe when I'm stuck on the ground?" The pilot groaned, swiveling his chair around dramatically. "I mean seriously. What did you do? Did you blow something up again? God damn it, Shepard. Did you hit somebody? I'm going to be so pissed if you got us grounded throwing a temper tantrum."

"Joker, really?" Ashley gave the pilot a shut-up-or-else look. Shepard's brows came together as he stared at Joker.

"Oh, no. You don't get to use your angry face on me. You're going back and apologizing for whatever you did and getting us our wings back. My baby does not deserved to be locked down like this."

"What would we need to do to get those locks off?" Shepard growled_._ Joker shook his head.

"We'd need to break into Citadel control and override the lockdown. Or get someone who's authorized to do it. Which is why you _need to apologize._" _That's not going to fucking happen._

"Can we remove them forcibly?"

"You can't be serious, Shepard." Ashley gaped at him. He didn't answer her.

"Hah! Like hell you're going to go and damage her hull prying off some clamps. These things are made to hold, Shepard. They're not going to come off unless you want to remove part of the Normandy with them. Which is not happening." Joker gave Shepard an uncharacteristically serious look.

A frustrated sound rumbled in the commander's chest and he turned and walked away, pushing none-to-gently past Garrus.

"Oh, yeah. Walk away from the cripple. Real nice, Shepard. You better be going to find a way out of this! My brilliance was not made to stay idle!" The pilot shouted after him. He heard footsteps behind him.

"Joker, shut the hell up." It was Ash's voice, and it was coming closer. The soldier caught up to him, Garrus close behind, as he descended the stairs. "Shepard, you okay?" The commander gave her a pointed, _what do you think?_ kind of look. She met it evenly, her hand coming to her hip. "Don't take this out on us. We know you got screwed in there."

"We should have just gone straight to Ilos." Shepard growled. _Why the fuck did I let them talk me out of it._

"It was a coup, Shepard. There's no way we could have known. Udina used you to gain leverage with the Council. He's trying to prove himself as a candidate for a human councilmember. And I suspect the Council wanted you out of the way so they could take credit for stopping Saren's geth." Garrus supplied, following them towards Shepard's cabin.

"Yeah, I caught that." The Spectre grumbled. "The idiots don't even realize what they're dealing with. They're sacrificing everything to play some fucking game." Shepard clenched his fists, hitting the door control to his room a little forcefully.

"That's politicians, for you." Garrus murmured. Ashley snorted next to him. "Any idea where we're going from here?"

"No." He grunted, frowning. "I'll find something though. There has to be some way out of this." _It can't be the end._ Despite the rage, the helplessness, he _needed_ to get this done. He couldn't just let them take him out of the game like this. Too much was at stake. "I'll call the team if I need you. Garrus, if there's any way we can use your old contacts in C-Sec to help us out here, I'd appreciate it." The turian nodded and turned, walking back towards the elevator. Ash lingered for a moment, warm, questioning brown eyes on him. She looked like she was searching for words.

"Shepard – "

"Ash – "

The commander sighed out through his nose and ran a hand through his hair. The soldier smirked at him and took a step forward. That she could still be in good spirits, still hold that same, confident stance… He shook his head in disbelief. She never ceased to amaze him with her stubborn spirit.

"Are you sure you're okay?" Ashley asked again, meeting his gaze full on. He lifted his hand towards her. He wanted to lose himself in her, to say the hell with the Council and Saren and the Reapers, to drag her into his cabin and just forget. But instead he shook his head and let his hand drop.

"I need to figure this out." His voice was gruff as he stepped back. "I'll let you know if I find anything."

The soldier frowned, but nodded. "Alright, Shepard. Just remember, we're all here."

"Yeah…" Shepard sighed, and nodded. "Yeah. Thanks, Ash."

"No problem, Skipper." Ashley offered a smile and turned to walk away. He wanted to pull her back. _Shit. _Her absence made it all a lot heavier. Shepard took another step into his cabin and the door swished closed automatically. He regretted it almost instantly as memory of the catastrophe that was the Council meeting came down on him.

He tugged at the gauntlets on his hands and threw them to the ground carelessly. _I knew we should have gone straight there. Fuck, why didn't I just go? Now he's too far ahead. If we're not able to stop it…_ The Spectre grunted as he pulled at his chestplate, the armor falling with a clatter. The Reapers coming would be a whole new nightmare for him to deal with. One he knew no one was prepared for. He could understand the Council's reluctance to believe it – it sounded crazy. But a complete denial? Calling him deluded for the evidence he brought forward? He tossed a shin guard against the wall with force. It clanged and fell.

He couldn't lose again. This mission, it was all he had. It was his purpose. Except… Shepard was reluctantly beginning to see he was once again fighting for lives, rather than the objective. He had promised himself he wouldn't, that he wouldn't get too close to anyone. But somehow, despite his initial detachment, despite his steady string of fuck ups before and during this mission, this team believed in him. They saw him as a leader, though he had given them no reason to believe it. They saw him as a friend. They were… family. He couldn't fail them. He couldn't stand to lose any more of them. He'd already failed Kaidan. He couldn't fail the rest of them. He couldn't lose them, too.

"_I think we both know that's not going to happen, Commander."_

The second shin guard followed its predecessor as Kaidan's voice haunted him. His heart raced with anxious rage. He _wouldn't_ lose them. He wouldn't lose _her._ Ash was so much more than a soldier, and every day he realized more and more how desperately he needed her. It wasn't something he understood. It wasn't something he was sure he wanted. But he knew he'd do anything to keep her safe, even if it meant breaking into Citadel control and hijacking his own ship. The Reapers couldn't be allowed to come. They couldn't be allow to threaten her or his team. _They_, more than the mission, were what mattered. They were what drove him. It was a frightening connection to hold, considering the way people close to him tended to die. But they made it better. Easier. He knew it was selfish, but even if it was only some of the time, it was better than being alone.

Shepard finished stripping off his armor, considering all the while how the hell he was going to get off the station. Infiltrating Citadel control wouldn't have been too difficult, if it weren't for the fact people now seemed to recognize him wherever he went. It was risky, going undisguised. He hoped Garrus would find something with C-Sec to help or getting past security would be messy. He stepped in the shower, hoping the water would clear his mind and shine some sort of light on his little problem. Maybe hiring a freelance vessel would be the way to go… But he doubted any mercenary pilots would be up for a trip to the Mu relay. But at least that way the Councilors couldn't worry about him inciting a full scale war.

_Fucking idiots._

Still about as void of ideas as when he started, Shepard turned off the water and walked out, grabbing a towel as he strode towards his dresser. He picked a fresh set of casuals and pulled them on brusquely. _What the hell am I going to do? _He considered calling Anderson, seeing if he had any suggestions, but somehow letting his mentor know how he had fucked up so miserably wasn't on his list of priorities. At least Shepard still _had _the Normandy. Anderson would be really pissed then. He wondered briefly if retaining the Normandy was supposed to keep him satisfied for now, despite being grounded. _Takes a little more than that to placate me, assholes._ He grimaced at the thought.

No, they were in this alone. Anderson would want to help, but Shepard owed the man too much to let any consequences of his actions come back and bite the captain. He couldn't drag him into it. Shepard took a step towards his bed and the few discarded datapads sprawled out on it – intent on finding something somewhere that might help him out of this mess - but tripped over a boot as he went. "Fuck!" He snarled, then kicked it. It was an overreaction, sure, but he wasn't feeling all that composed. He grabbed the boot and the rest of his discarded armor and hauled the armful out of his cabin towards his locker on the other side of the deck. _Fucking stupid set up. Why is my locker the only one on this level? And why is it not in my cabin?_

He dropped the armor with a clang and knelt down to try and key in his combination. As always, it didn't work. He could never get the damn thing on the first try. He tried again. It beeped in protest. "What the fucking shit." He growled and hit it. It opened. _Really? _The commander was suddenly grateful the mess was mysteriously empty. He shoved his armor in the locker and pawed the control to close it. It didn't work. "Are you shitting me right now?" Shepard snarled at the metal box.

"Try hitting it again." Her voice spoke up from behind him. He did. The locker slid closed. Shepard sighed, his forehead coming down to meet the cold metal in frustration. "You should get that fixed." Shepard simply grunted, rolling around to sit and look up at the woman. Ash smirked.

"What are you doing up here?" The commander glanced around the seemingly empty deck. _Where the hell is the crew?_

"I could just be hungry, you know." She rolled her eyes at him, popping a hip. He just quirked a brow, and Ash sighed. "One of the techs said there was loud noises coming from your cabin. Apparently I was the best choice to come investigate." The soldier rolled her eyes again.

"They cleared the floor because of a loud noise?" The commander groaned, running a hand through his hair. Ashley crossed her arms. "I… dropped something."

"Right." Ashley bent down to sit beside him, her legs brushing the side of his. She nudged him with an elbow. "Come on, Skipper. I get why you're pissed. But throwing things? Taking it out on your locker?"

"It was being an asshole." The words ran from his mouth and an odd sense of déjà vu ran over him. He shook his head to rid it of a blonde-haired girl, and turned to meet Ash's brandy eyes. They pulled him back, as they always did.

"I'm sure it was. But instead of beating up the ship, you could talk to me." Ash met his gaze with an arched brow and a dare. The commander sighed and looked away. "Shepard, I'm not going anywhere. Three sisters, remember? I've mastered the cold shoulder. I'll break you eventually."

Shepard groaned. "You are so damn stubborn sometimes." His hand tugged through his hair in exasperation.

She smiled. "Yep. We've established that." Ash chuckled a little, and Shepard felt some of the tension ease. "So, Shepard. You think we're going to get out of this?"

"We have to."

"That's not an answer, Skipper. I know we do. But do you think we will?" Ashley's brown eyes were fixed on him, waiting for an answer, waiting for…hope? Reassurance? That didn't seem right, not from her. The commander sighed.

"We'll find a way. This isn't the end, Ash. We've come too damn far just to sit and wait for them to come. Some bullshit politics aren't keeping us from our objective." Shepard murmured, then looked back to her. The soldier simply nodded, her brow creased mildly, her usual casual confidence gone. "Do you think we're getting out of this?"

"I believe we will if we're meant to."

"That's not an answer either, Ash. Is everything alright?"

Ashley blinked and met his gaze, a smirk returning to her lips. "That's my line." She chuckled briefly, and he warmed. "It's fine. Just restless. I guess it's all kind of coming home how close we are to fighting these things, you know?" The soldier shook her head and sighed. "Then the meeting with the Council… It's hard not to take that as a blow against humanity. Maybe not intentional, but there it is. I know you don't think any differently of the aliens than us, but their leaders, they're going to look out for their species first. It's not a bad thing - it's just natural."

Shepard frowned as he listened. Her old prejudices were still there, but she was making an effort to think it through a least. To consider another side. It was a stark contrast to her old views. The soldier continued. "And now we're alone, this group of misfits from different races going into this huge fight…" Her brown eyes held his steadily, intensely. "I don't know my place in this, Shepard. I'm not some big tactician, I don't represent a potential ally race. I've proven just how well I can lead…" Pain lanced through her eyes. Shepard's brow furrowed and he leaned lightly against her. "I'm not afraid to fight. Fighting is what I do, it's what I know. But I'm just a soldier – and not even a high ranking one, at that. It's not like my rifle is going to do much good against a damn Reaper."

"Everyone has their part to play in this. We're going to need soldiers, especially ones as damn good as you. Don't worry about that."

"I know, it's just…" She paused, her eyes narrowing a little. "What use am I going to be to you, Shepard? I'm not a necessary part of the team. Once this really starts, how is just one soldier going to be anything but cannon fodder for you?"

Shepard's eyes widened. "Ash, to me, you are the most important person here." She opened her mouth to speak, but he held up a hand. "No, you are. And it's not just…this." He made a vague gesture between the two of them. "You're one of the best fucking marines I've seen in a long time. The only reason you're not a higher rank is because you had ass hats for commanders in the past. And you _are_ a leader, Ash. I know what it's like to fail, I get it. But you're sure as hell a more natural leader than I've ever been." He sighed, a hand running again through his hair. "And I need you, Ash. I just… need you. I know I couldn't do it without you, without your strength, your determination. Your damn stubbornness." She smiled, and he returned the gesture, reaching over to squeeze her knee. "We're getting through this, Ash. I know as long as you're here that we will. Don't worry."

Ash nodded, a bit of her old determination returning. "We'll do it. Starting with Ilos, right?" If she felt any trepidation, she hid it well. "_And yet the menace of the years, Finds, and shall find, me unafraid._"

"Henley, right?"

She nodded. "Invictus." She grinned. "You can keep your anguished saps, I'll take some good ol' ass-kicking poems any day." Shepard rolled his eyes and she laughed. The commander smiled.

"Anguished saps, huh?" Shepard smirked, nudging her playfully. "_Deny me bread, air, light, spring, but never your laughter, for I would die._"

"Oh, God, Shepard. You haven't been that cheesy in a while." She groaned, but the grin still plastered on her face betrayed her. Shepard chuckled. "Come on, we should get to it. Try to find some way out of here." Ash stood and the warmth at his side was gone. He frowned, the weight of the day beginning to settle again. "Hey, don't do that. You don't have to look so serious about it. I know you'll figure it out."

"Yeah." He murmured. "Can't we just stay here? Let those assholes deal with it?"

Ashley quirked a brow. "Like you'd let them get the first shot at Saren." She shook her head. "Come on. I'll make you something to eat, and we'll figure some way to move this ship out of here."

"You cook?" The commander's brows shot up in surprise. She cuffed his head.

"No, but I'm really good at adding water." Shepard chuckled, and Ash held out a hand. "Come on, Skipper. Let's get this show on the road." He rolled his eyes at her enthusiasm and took hold of her hand.

She pulled him up quickly – her strength more than he had anticipated, despite seeing her haul heavy armor across battlefields every day – and he rose up and stumbled into her with a rather noisy _umph_, but he managed to wrap an arm around her before she could fall back from the force. The soldier was momentarily startled, her eyes wide as she took him in. Her body was pressed against his, and he knew he should let go. The moment was passed professional, yet again, and they had work to do. But _fuck_. She felt good. Brandy eyes met his and he found a challenge there, and this time, with her pressed this close, with her breath tickling his chin, he wasn't about to back down.

Shepard's hand roamed up her back to the nape of her neck and he leaned forward, his blood coming alive with the electricity between them. Her face tilted up towards him, and finally his lips skimmed hers-

"Uh, sorry to _interrupt_, Commander."


	31. Chapter 31

Ashley's heart was pounding. Her eyes followed Shepard out of the mess, the man casting a final look over his shoulder at her before retreating up the stairs. _That… _She bit her lower lip, trying to remember the feeling. His lips had only brushed hers before Joker interrupted them with a message from Anderson, but the feeling was… Well, pretty damn spectacular. Feeling him pull her against him again, that hard plane of his body against hers, her hand moving over the stubble on his jaw. This whole almost-but-not-quite thing was getting a little old. And seeing him laugh, smile genuinely for the first time since Virmire… _Oh, God. You're in for it now, Williams._

"Chief, may I have a moment?"

Ashley took a deep breath to try and steady her nerves and turned towards the unwelcome voice. Liara watched her nervously. The soldier quirked a brow at the asari. She had no clue what the blue woman would need from her – they had never been particularly friendly, especially since she seemed to probe Shepard's mind at every opportunity. Even when she had seemed to be spending more time with Kaidan, her eyes followed the Spectre wherever he went.

The asari apparently took her silence as a yes.

"I'm not sure how to say this…" Liara shifted uneasily. "I saw you. Just now, with the Commander."

Ashley's brows shot up. "Excuse me?"

"I know you have… feelings for him. And he may for you. But I am concerned about your intent."

"_My what?" _The soldier's jaw clenched. "Why is this any of your business?"

Liara frowned. "I am simply concerned about the Commander."

"Hold on for just a minute, Blue." The soldier pinned the asari with an icy glare, a hand planting itself on her hip. "You're _concerned_ about him? Because you saw us, what, almost kiss?" Liara, to Ashley's surprise, didn't break her gaze. She had no idea where this was coming from now. "What kind of person do you think I am? Some kind of predator?"

"I mean no offense, Chief. You are simply a bold woman, and from what information I have gathered, you are very eager to prove yourself within the Alliance." Liara's eyes narrowed slightly. Suddenly, the innocent, naïve archaeologist appeared to be a lot more cunning than she let on. "I am only concerned about your motives for pursuing Shepard."

The soldier took a furious step forward. "Oh, hell no. You do not get to accuse me of using him to climb ranks. You have no idea what you're talking about." Her heart pounded with rage. Her finger jabbed at the asari's chest to emphasize her words. "I have _never_ gotten a promotion I didn't deserve, and I've been passed over for quite a few that I did. I'm _damn_ sure I'd never reduce myself to sleeping with a superior officer for commendations." Liara took a half step back as she moved in closer. "And I'm really surprised you think so lowly of Shepard. You can't seriously believe he'd try to bribe me into bed with a promotion."

"He is a great man, but a flawed man, and he is under great amounts of stress. More than you can comprehend." Liara said after a short pause. Her blue eyes lifted from the floor to look back at the soldier in challenge. Ashley prickled. "We have all heard about his… promiscuity, before this mission. It fits with his character. Especially after such a trying time. He may simply need some… comfort."

Ashley's eyes widened at her insinuations. It hit home, having someone else hint that Shepard might only want to use her as some kind of vice. But she sure as hell wasn't going to back down. "Where did you hear about that? How do you know so much about him?"

"Kaidan told me a little of Shepard's past. The rest I researched."

"So he's using me, and I'm using him? Like you apparently used Kaidan to weasel out info on Shepard? That man thought the sun shined out of your damn ass, and you used him to get to _Shepard_?!" Ashley spat her words out, rage flooding her at the thought of the asari using her friend to get to another man. "You can't even consider we might actually _want_ this? That I am interested in more than his damn rank?" The soldier glared at the asari, her ears loud with the beat of her enraged heart. _What the hell is this woman's problem? _"And since when can you 'comprehend' his feelings better than anyone else? The man barely talks to you! I don't know what your deal is, but he's not interested!"

"Kaidan and I were friends. He told me everything without any 'weaseling.'" Liara shook her head. "And I have spoken with Shepard plenty of times. He visits me often after missions." The asari gloated, looking entirely too self-satisfied for Ashley's liking.

"He 'visits' everyone after missions. It's called being an involved Commander. Shepard is only doing his job - it _doesn't_ mean he's in love with you." The soldier rolled her eyes again. _Idiot._ She wasn't about to let some alien woman drive her off.

"I do not believe he's in love with me, but I do believe we share a bond after melding that you cannot understand. I have seen who he truly is, down to his very soul. It was beautiful. I am truly sorry you are not able to experience it."

Ashley gaped at the asari. "Sorry my ass. Listen, hon, just because you brain probed a man doesn't mean you two are destined to be together. And I can assure you that he never comes out of that looking all that pleased. Whatever 'bond' you two have, you have no idea what I'm able to experience. I don't need any of your weird asari voodoo to care about him." Liara frowned, her posture still irritatingly composed. _Damn asari and their superiority complexes. _"I'll tell you again – Shepard talking to you about missions does not mean he's interested. At all. And he won't be. _Ever_."

"I have read that this hostility is a common side effect you humans have when feeling jealous. I hope we can discuss this without making things too unpleasant."

Liara held Ashley's gaze as the soldier snarled. "_Jealous?_ Of you?!"

"And for the sake of transparency, you should know that Shepard talks to me about far more than simply the mission. He was particularly interested in asari culture and _physiology._" The last word left the blue woman's lips and Ashley felt her nose wrinkle in disgust.

"Oh, you _bitch –_" The words screamed from her mouth, but another shout cut her off.

"Hey!" Shepard rounded the corner, his long legs striding quickly towards them. Ashley glared at Liara as she turned to face him, an all too innocent look on her face. "I thought Joker was kidding about a catfight. What the fuck is going on?"

"Chief Williams and I were simply discussing your wellbeing." Liara said quickly. "I understand you are… close to her."

Ashley let her eyes flick to Shepard. He gaped at the asari. "You _what?_" His hand came up, as usual, to pull back his messy hair. "My wellbeing is not up for discussion. I told you before, Liara, I'm not some research project. And _whatever_ may or may not be going on between Ash and I is none of your business."

"I simply did not wish for this to become awkward. I understand human relationships are generally monogamous, with a few exceptions. I did not believe the Chief would look too kindly on our relationship if you were pursuing her."

"Damn right, I wouldn't. And you _don't have a relationship_!" The soldier hissed.

"I am sorry, but that is not for you to decide."

"Okay, what?" Shepard's brow furrowed in confusion, but then he shook his head. "Liara, we have no 'relationship'."

"But you told me you felt the connection between us…" Liara murmured, and Ashley felt herself prickle. She turned her glare to Shepard.

The commander tugged at his hair again. "Liara, I said I felt it _when_ we connected. When we did the whole 'embrace eternity' thing. It was pretty hard to miss. " Shepard growled, his eyes closing in frustration. "I'm sorry if it came across in a different way than I meant it, but I _do not_ have feelings for you. You're a… friend." The asari looked to the ground. Ashley couldn't help but feel a little smug. "Now is definitely not the time for any of this bullshit. So, if you two are done, we have a fucking galaxy to save. Can I expect that you two will put this behind you and work together?"

"Yes, Commander. I… apologize. This will not affect our mission."

Ashley simply nodded, her stance still fairly territorial. Shepard's green eyes narrowed towards her, probably assessing the threat level. She rolled her eyes and held up her hands in surrender.

"Good. Ash, we're meeting Anderson. Liara, you're staying back with Tali and Garrus to watch the ship. You're on call to back us up if this goes wrong, so be ready to suit up." The asari nodded, the action subtle and reserved. _Hell hath no fury._ She turned from the two of them and retreated. Shepard sighed looked back to the soldier. "Go get Wrex and tell him to suit up. He's coming with. I'll meet you in the airlock in ten. Side arms only, we're going to Flux." Ashley nodded, her eyes trailing the downtrodden asari as she disappeared into the medbay. "Ash, leave her be."

She bristled. "Me? She started it. And you encouraged it. What were you doing talking to her about 'asari physiology'?"

"Uh…" Shepard rubbed the back of his neck. "She told me asari reproduce through that whole mind bond thing." Ashley rolled her eyes as he cleared his throat. "I was curious. And a little nervous."

"Perv." Ashley folded her arms in front of her, settling her disgruntled gaze on the commander. He smirked.

"What? I thought I was being taken advantage of. It's not like I've ever been particularly nice to her. I didn't realize she'd interpret my curiosity as…interest." The soldier frowned at him. "I've told you before, Ash, I'm not looking at anyone else. I'm sure as hell not interested in a 'relationship' with anyone else." Ashley's brows shot up. _Relationship?! _Shepard's grin broadened. "You know, I'm a little curious about your physiology as well."

"God, you're impossible." The soldier punched his arm, but she couldn't help grinning back at him. His happiness was rare and infectious. And it reminded her why she bothered. She had never been a jealous person before, had never really cared that much. She hadn't found a man worth chasing before. They were generally all idiots. But Shepard… He was an idiot, but he was definitely worth it. She'd fight off anyone who got in her way. And maybe, with him, there could be… something more? He had hinted that he wanted… _Woah, slow it down there, Williams. _"So, I take it this news from Anderson is what has you so chipper?"

"Yeah, he think he has a way to get us going." Shepard took a few steps towards his locker, kicked it a few times, and retrieved his armor once it opened. _He really needs to fix that._ "Besides, it's not every day two women fight over me. It does wonders for the ego."

"Uh huh. Don't push it, Skipper." Ashley rolled her eyes, then smirked. "Guess I can't blame her, though. With an ass like that, I'm surprised you don't have women fawning over you more often." Shepard's eyes widened in shock. She laughed and turned to head towards the elevator. "I'll go grab Wrex. See you in ten."

xxxxxxxxx

"Shepard."

"Wrex?" The commander stopped in front of the Flux's entrance, stepping aside for a scantily clad asari.

"I'm not sure I'm comfortable going here with you." The krogan's lips spread in a toothy grin. Shepard arched a brow. "People might start to question our 'relationship'."

"God damn it, Joker. Did he tell everyone already?" Shepard groaned as Wrex laughed his deep, thundering laugh. The commander glanced towards Ashley, who shrugged. She didn't seem to be all that phased by the pilot's antics.

"I don't think so, but it's a small ship. They'll find out." The Spectre groaned again. _Liara is going to be mortified._ The whole situation was fucking ridiculous. "He said he was doing a public service. Letting the women of the Normandy know that there are more fish in the sea." Shepard watched as the woman tried to suppress a grin.

"Oh, yeah. Laugh it up, smartasses." He walked through the door. The clubs music boomed and washed over him.

"You should be glad, Shepard. Getting more mating requests means you are a strong warrior. On Tuchanka, only the best are fought over by the female clans." The commander choked. Wrex chuckled again. "Don't worry, I won't challenge you in front of your women. Wouldn't want to embarrass you." Ashley laughed, and Shepard grinned with her.

"Thanks, Wrex. That's very considerate of you." He caught movement out of the corner of his eye, and saw Anderson waving him over. He waved back in acknowledgement. "Alright, you two try to blend in. This shouldn't take long. I'll find out what the plan is and we'll head out."

"Shepard." Anderson called and stood from a table in the back of the club as he approached. "I'm glad you made it. You seem to be in good spirits, despite everything. How's it going?" He clapped the Spectre on the back and the men sat down, the others trying to do their best to slink back and blend in. It wasn't working.

"Good, now that you say you have a way to get us out of here." Shepard grinned. The expression seemed to take his old captain by surprise.

Anderson's eyes narrowed speculatively. "You know, after hearing what happened, I was assuming I'd find you hear already, pissed and drunk off your ass. But you actually seem happy." His voice was dubious. Shepard frowned. "Glad to see you're starting to keep control. Even if Chief Williams had to pull you off Udina."

"He would have deserved it. I still think she should have just let me have him."

"I know. I wanted to warn you about that SOB's plans, but there was no way to get a message to you before you docked. Still, I'm proud, Owen. Not too long ago you would have just given up, or done something incredibly stupid to get your way."

"I can't give up, Anderson. There's too much at stake." Shepard's eyes drifted over the crowd towards Ashley, standing next to Wrex and looking irritated as the krogan let out a rumbling chuckle. "And they wouldn't let me blow the locks off."

Anderson shook his head and let out a small chuckle. "I see your crew's been a good influence, then. It's good to see you getting close to people again. You always were too damn surly for your own good." The captain leaned forward, his eyes growing serious. "I'm sorry to hear about Lieutenant Alenko. He was a damn good marine. That must have been a tough call."

_Not as tough as it should have been. _A familiar guilt shot through Shepard, but he pushed it down with the bile that rose in his throat. He simply grunted. Now wasn't the time to get into that again. "So, how are we getting the Normandy off the ground? She's the only ship that will get me into the Terminus Systems undetected. I need to get to Ilos."

"Agreed. Citadel control has the Normandy on lockdown – but if we override Udina's orders directly we can get them to bring her back on line. You'll be in the Terminus Systems before anyone knows you're gone."

"Yeah, we thought of that. But how can we override his orders? I won't be able to make it into Citadel control alone, then make it out in time to get back on the Normandy before they realize what's up." Shepard shook his head. "I'm not leaving any of my crew behind, so without a third party infiltrating, we're stuck." Anderson nodded, and Shepard stopped, his eyes widening as he realized the man's intentions. "Oh, fuck no. I'm not stealing the Normandy and leaving you to hold the bag. You're not doing it."

"Sorry, kid, but you still don't give me orders." Anderson shook his head, his brow furrowing. "I'm not worried about the consequences of this, Owen, because the consequences of Saren getting to the Conduit will be much worse. We both know that." Shepard frowned. "You're the only one that can stop him. I'm sure as hell going to do everything I can to get you on the Normandy and off this station."

"I can't just leave you behind to take the fall. It's not right."

"You can and you will. That's an order, Commander." Anderson's voice was even, his brown eyes pinning Shepard with an authoritative glare. The Spectre sighed.

"Yes, sir." He murmured, shaking his head.

"Good. Now, I can unlock the Normandy from one of the Citadel control consoles directly. You'll only have a few minutes, so you'll have to be ready."

"You're going to get yourself killed going in alone, Anderson. There's no fucking way. You're helping no one if you die before making it to the controls."

Anderson arched a brow. "Have a little faith, Shepard. I've been doing this a little longer than you have."

"I know. But that place is flooded with guards." The commander shook his head. "There has to be another way. One that's not going to get your ass shot off."

Anderson rubbed his chin as he considered. "It's a long shot, but the Ambassador issued the order from his office. If I'm able to get at his computer, I may be able to hack it and override the lockdown."

"And if he's there? He's not going to just stand there and offer you a drink while you use it."

"I think I'm more than capable of taking care of one politician, Owen." His captain deadpanned.

Shepard sighed. Sending his mentor to do his dirty work left a bad taste in his mouth. "And when he charges you with treason?"

"Shepard, there will be no one left alive to sentence me if you don't make it to Ilos. I'll take my chances doing what's right."

"Fine. Do it, you'll have a better chance with his computer than at Citadel control." Shepard sighed, and stood. Anderson followed him. "And if you happen to run in to him, I still owe him a black eye."

"Oh, don't worry about that. That asshole has made this personal." Anderson smirked back at the commander. "Ready, Shepard?"

Shepard nodded. Finally. He was _finally_ going after Saren. All of the waiting, the inaction, the backtracking and chasing him across the galaxy, it was coming to an end. "Damn right. Thank you for doing this, Anderson. I owe you."

"You owe me for a lot more than this." The man chuckled. "But I'm glad to do it. I know you'll get this done." His hand rested on the commander's shoulder. "Good luck, Owen. I'll see you on the other side." With a final pat, his old captain was off. Shepard watched him go, his throat constricting and cutting off a response. Anderson was always there, always waiting for him at the finish line. He would never understand where the man found so much faith in him. He couldn't let him down. He couldn't let any of them down.

"What's the plan, Skipper?" Ashley strolled to his side, following his gaze as Anderson exited the club. Her voice pulled him back to the present.

"We're stealing the Normandy."


	32. Chapter 32

"So, we good to go?" Joker spun around in his seat as the team returned.

The commander ignored him. Adrenaline poured through him, driving him forward and making up for the mental exhaustion and lack of sleep he had experienced over the blur of the last few days.

"Ash, Wrex, get to your stations. I'll alert everyone once we leave." They both nodded and left. Shepard strode quickly to Pressly, the executive officer saluting as he approached. _The man is so damn formal all the time._ "Pressly, we're taking the Normandy and going after Saren. This is going against direct orders from the Council and the Alliance. Send out word to the crew. Anyone who doesn't want to stay, leaves now." The navigator gaped at him. "That includes you, Pressly. I won't blame anyone who wants to go." Shepard watched the man. He respected the man's service record, the time he had spent with the Alliance, but they had never had more than a working relationship. He didn't expect the words that came out of his XO's mouth.

"I'm with you, Commander. We've all seen firsthand what we're up against. We're doing something important here. I'll send out the memo immediately, but I know this crew is with you too. To the end." Navigator Pressly saluted again.

Shepard blinked in surprise. "Uh… Thank you, Pressly." He murmured, his voice shocked.

"Stealing the Normandy… I know we'll all be court-martialed if this doesn't work out, but part of me loves this!" He grinned and turned towards his console to alert the crew. Shepard smirked, and turned back towards the cockpit. He heard the crew's audible gasps as they read the news. It was a risk, telling them before they were free and clear. But he trusted the crew. They wouldn't betray him. And he wasn't about to kidnap them.

No one stood, no one made a move to leave. His chest swelled with gratitude, unable to understand their dedication to him. He didn't deserve it. The blind faith moved him, but also brought down the weight of what he was doing. He was leading them into something dangerous, something very likely to turn out deadly. They were going up against one of the Council's most renowned agents. Saren was a big enough problem on his own. But even if they did stop the rogue Spectre – and his massive fleet of geth lackeys - there was still Sovereign. Suddenly, the excitement he felt at being able to chase Saren was replaced by trepidation. They were after a goddamn _Reaper_. Even if they stopped the rest of his buddies from coming, they had no idea what Sovereign was really capable of. And going into it alone… his crew's earlier warnings seemed a lot more reasonable now. His heart rate began to rise as he recognized the familiar feeling of the tide turning against him. The odds were impossible.

But they had no choice.

"Stealing the Normandy?! Hell, yes! This is what I'm talking about, Shepard!" Joker grinned up from his station and swiveled around again to face him. "How is this working? Anderson had a plan?" He was practically bouncing.

"He's overriding the locks. Should be any minute now." Shepard settled into the co-pilot's seat. His eyes rested on the console before him and he let out a heavy sigh. The lights were red, indicating the lockdown was still in effect. "Be ready. We'll only have a few minutes before they realize what's going on."

"This is so awesome. I'm going to get some serious street cred from this. Jeff Moreau, fugitive of the Alliance." He beamed. "God, the ladies won't be able to stay back. Better watch yourself, Shepard. There's a new badass on the Normandy to make all the girls swoon."

Shepard snorted. His eyes didn't leave the controls. "Yeah, you're a real bad boy, Joker. Thanks, by the way, for broadcasting my personal life to the Normandy. Did you really have to tell everyone?"

"I didn't tell _everyone, _only a select few I knew would be entertained by the vid." Shepard's eyes left the console for a split second to pin Joker with a heated glare. "Hey, someone had to. You've got a serious following, with that whole burly, broody, angry man thing you've got going on. Liara was just the only one with the balls – so to speak – to face down Ashley."

"Right."

"Oh, it's true. You should hear how the women on crew titter about your rugged good looks." The pilot snorted, rolling his eyes. "Really, I was doing you a favor. No one really knows what's going on with you and Ash, besides the constant sickening flirting. So I thought it was time to get everything out into the open – spare your fan club some heartache. You really need to update your relationship status, Commander. They're all hanging on to hope out there that it's just a fling." Joker glanced at the Spectre. "Unless it is?"

"Joker. It's not anyone's business."

"Come _on_. You have to give me something. I have my own personal soap opera happening on these monitors, and you two just keep dancing around each other and doing nothing."

"Joker. We _can't_ do anything. And stop watching me." His eyes watched the red light, tension building. _What the hell is Anderson doing?_ Shepard frowned, hoping the captain hadn't found trouble.

"No. I get bored up here. And in a few moments, I think breaking the rules on fraternization will be the least of the Alliances grievances against you." Shepard's frown deepened. It was true, of course. The only thing keeping him back from her would be gone. It was…_ Fuck._ Why was that so terrifying? His hand worried itself through his hair. He knew she was more, he knew he wanted more from her. He wanted her, all of her. But having her, and then losing her… _Fuck!_ He couldn't think about it now. He focused his attention back on the red light. "Come on, Shepard. You've had to have done something. Or at least talked about something. Hell, I _know_ it's not just a fling. You wouldn't have chosen her over Kaidan if it were." The pilot's voice was pained. The words hit Shepard like a blow to the chest. His breath left him. He tried to recover before the sirens started in his ears. "Stop bullshitting and go and get her, Shepard. She's not the kind of woman that's going to say it first."

The commander's brows shot up. He was silent for a few moments, his breath returning. "Wow, Joker. I never took you for a romantic."

"What can I say? I'm a renegade with a heart of gold." Joker settled a questioning look on him. "So?"

Shepard frowned. What could he say? She knew he cared about her. Maybe not how much, but he had made it pretty hard to miss. But what if she didn't want more from him? And if she did, how the hell could he give it to her? She was _whole._ She had a family, was raised right with loving parents and siblings and the whole fucking deal. Her life hadn't been perfect, but it was whole. She was so strong, so confident, so fucking beautiful. And he was just… broken. Maybe not as empty as he was before he met her, before the Normandy, but he was still a shell of what he could have been. He didn't know if he could go back. If he could find some way to just fucking stop - stop the nightmares, stop losing control, stop the constant, sickening guilt. The commander sighed. It wasn't fair to ask more of her.

"She deserves more than me." Shepard muttered, eyes holding on to the red light and not meeting Joker's gaze. The pilot scoffed.

"Oh, please. You're such a downer sometimes. Shepard, it is okay to be happy sometimes. You sure as hell have earned it. And I think Ashley is more than capable of determining what she deserves." Joker didn't look quite finished with scolding him, but the pilot stopped as his attention was brought back to the board.

The light turned green.

"Get us out of here, Joker. Now. Head straight towards the Mu Relay." Shepard jumped to his feet.

"Yes, sir!" The pilot grinned, his enthusiasm returned as his hands flew over his controls, their conversation forgotten. The commander strode quickly out of the cockpit, into the CIC and up the ramp to the galaxy map. Still-armored fingers activated the intercom. He drew in a deep breath and his hands came down to clutch the railing.

"This is Shepard speaking." He growled out, his eyes falling to the huge holographic universe before him, trying to steady himself. It was happening. Everything he'd been working towards. It was both satisfying and horrifying. "I have ordered the Normandy to leave the Citadel in pursuit of Saren. This is in direct noncompliance to the orders of both the Council and Alliance Command." Shepard's eyes rose from the map. He found the faces of his crew watching him. "As of now, the Normandy and her crew are fugitives of the Systems Alliance. But as someone reminded me not too long ago, the consequences of this will be nothing compared to the consequences of letting Saren get to the Conduit, of letting the Reapers invade." Shepard's hands clenched the railing. "I take this course because I must. We cannot afford complacency. This galaxy, and all of its citizens, cannot afford it. Against the threat of the Reapers, the only option is to act. To do the duty we signed on to do: to defend our worlds, our countries, our homes. To protect the people we care about."

"I thank you all for standing by me in this. Without you, none of it would have been possible. It's been a hard road. We've lost some good men…" His fists clenched tighter. "We do this for them. For Richard Jenkins. For Kaidan Alenko. For the billions more we'll lose if we don't. So let's go kick some fucking ass." Shepard pushed himself back from the railing. The CIC erupted in noise. "Shepard out."

He turned away from the map and headed straight for the stairs, offering only a few nods in acknowledgement to the applause. His heart was pounding hard and furious in his chest, his mind screaming. They trusted him. They believed in him. He had to do this, had to get this right. He couldn't fail again. Not at this. _I can't just fucking lead them to their deaths. _His eyes burned with the beacon's vision, with the images of burning bodies and the destruction of cities. The screams and the screeching and the deafening roar filled his ears, blocking out the crew's enthusiastic ovation. Shepard moved quickly down the stairs, trying to steady his breath, calm his pulse. He was going to do this. He had to do this. They all did.

He rounded the corner and made straight for his cabin. He need time to think, time to plan. The Normandy would get them into the Terminus Systems undetected, but there would be no way their landing on Ilos would go unnoticed. Saren would have geth and whatever krogan he managed to smuggle off Virmire stationed all around the Conduit. His team was in for a fight, and Shepard wasn't sure that they were ready. His hand slammed on the door control and he walked quickly to his desk, immediately starting on messages to the ground team. Telling them to prepare, ready for an assault. It was going to have to be quick – Saren was likely already there, and already preparing to activate the Conduit. Their only option was to go in shooting. To fight their way as best they could and as fast as they could to the Conduit, and shut Saren down. Once they succeeded at that, well…

They only had one Reaper to deal with.

The thought was less encouraging than he wanted it to be. The Normandy was built for stealth missions, not a straight up fight. He doubted a ship as large and as goddamn intimidating as Sovereign would simply roll over. Its weapons must be deadly, considering what the Reapers were able to do to the Protheans - and he doubted the machines simply stopped at a good offense. Barriers, armor… There was no way they could take down that behemoth alone. They'd need allies. But until the Council and Udina got their heads out of their asses, they were alone.

Shepard's hands tugged through his hair. It was only then he realized he still had his armor on. He unlatched his gauntlets and let them fall to his desk and stood. He pulled at the rest of his armor, leaving it where it dropped around his cabin. He wasn't about to deal with his locker now. He held two fingers to his ear.

"Joker, any sign of pursuit?"

"No, damn it. I was hoping to finally be able to put my baby through her paces."

Shepard rolled his eyes, pacing back and forth across the room. "Don't worry, Joker. You've still got a Reaper to dodge."

"Oh, gee, thanks, Shepard. Real encouraging."

"How long until we approach the relay?"

"We have a couple jumps to make. I put the ETA around six hours."

"Got it. Keep me updated."

The Spectre lowered his hand, effectively closing the line. He peeled off the shirt he had worn beneath his armor. The fresh air over his skin felt wonderful. He was fucking exhausted. Six hours was a long time, maybe he could squeeze in a nap… No. He sighed, grabbing a fresh shirt and shrugging it on. It wasn't nearly long enough. He had to check on everyone, make sure they were ready. They had to be ready. No one could have doubts. He picked his way around the scattered pieces of armor towards his door.

It slid open, and he regretted it. They were still looking at him like he was some kind of fucking hero, here to lead them to victory. It made the bile rise in his throat. He had never led anyone anywhere good. Avoiding the gazes of the crewmembers, he walked across the deck to the medbay. As the door opened, the doctor looked up in surprise.

"Commander? I rather thought you would be busy with preparations. What can I do for you?"

"How are our medical supplies? Are we stocked well enough?"

"As well as we can be. I take it we have no time to stop." Chakwas eyed him curiously as his hand tugged at his hair. "I believe we have what we need to make it through. We'll likely have to resupply after the mission, though, if it is going to be as dangerous as your speech suggested." Shepard simply nodded. _Good. That's good_. "How are you, Shepard?"

His eyes lifted and met the doctor's, his brow raising. "Really, Doc? Now?"

"This is a straining situation. The crew is depending on you to get them through this, Commander. It's a lot of pressure."

"I realize that."

"And you're able to handle it?" Shepard grimaced. "You haven't been well since your break after Virmire. The bags under your eyes tell me you've slept probably half as much as you should have. Further stress could trigger another episode."

"Fuck, Doc. I really don't have time for this right now. I'm fine. I'm feeling fine."

Chakwas gave him a critical glare. "This is serious, Shepard. Your mental health is not something to be toyed with or ignored. You need to be at your best. I know our time is limited, but you must find a way to clear your mind and strengthen your resolve." She sighed. "Preferably, one that doesn't involve you injuring yourself on electronics. Try to rest, Shepard. Calm yourself. Listen to music."

"Fine! I'll fucking meditate. But first, I need to make sure my team is ready. _That_ will calm me." He growled. _This is fucking ridiculous. _It wasn't the time for a psych eval. She crossed her arms, and leveled the Spectre with an even stare. Shepard sighed. "And I'll try not to yell." He murmured, defeated.

"Good. Good luck, Commander." She gave a nod and turned back to her work.

The commander walked towards the back of the medbay, eyeing the door to Liara's quarters uneasily. This conversation was bound to be awkward, and he half-considered just backing out of it. But he needed the asari at her best. She was a damn powerful biotic when she was able to concentrate her powers, and she'd give them an advantage against numbers. If she wasn't aiming her shots at him. He knocked on her door tentatively.

"Oh, come in." The asari's soft voice called, and he did as she bid, stepping through the opening door and nodding in greeting as she stood from her desk.

"Ready?"

"I believe so. It is hard to be sure, considering what we are up against. But I will do my best." Liara didn't meet his gaze, her blue eyes dancing over the floor. Shepard frowned, but nodded.

"Good." He muttered. She still didn't look at him. The commander sighed, a hand rubbing the back of his neck. "Look, Liara…"

"There's no need to say anything, Commander. It was simply a cross-cultural misunderstanding. I assumed things I shouldn't have. As I said, it will not affect the mission." Her blue eyes finally lifted, earnest in her. She still looked hurt, but honest. "I want to see this through. This mission is more important than any petty differences I may have with the crew."

Shepard watched her for a moment, then nodded. "Thank you, Liara. I'm glad you're here." The asari smiled, and gave a curt nod, but said nothing. "I'll let everyone know once we're close. Try to get some rest." He turned and left quietly. _That went a lot better than I thought it would. _He walked through the medbay without another word, making his way to the elevator. The rest of the crew would likely be together in the hold. He felt a wince of guilt that Liara had become even more secluded due to the whole incident, but it was too late to fix it. The lift's door closed excruciatingly slow, and the ride down was even slower. His mind buzzed with doubt. He leaned against the wall.

_How the hell are we going to do this?_

The door lifted, and the rest of them were waiting for him. Wrex's red eyes narrowed as his teeth were bared in his signature grin, disassembled pieces of his shotgun in his hands. Garrus pushed himself out from under the Mako, rolling over Tali's foot as she waved her omnitool over the vehicles hull, likely running further diagnostics.

"Bosh'tet!" She squealed in protest and kicked him.

Shepard smirked, but the expression faded as he realized someone was missing. _She_ was missing.

"Shepard."

"Wrex?"

"What are you doing down here?"

The commander frowned. "Making sure you're all getting ready." He growled back drily. "Are you ready?" His eyes drifted towards Garrus and Tali, then back to Wrex.

"Yes, Commander!" Tali squeaked enthusiastically. Garrus nodded, his mandibles fluttering in amusement.

"Quite the speech you gave there, Shepard."

"Oh, shut up."

The turian laughed. "We're behind you. If anyone can pull this off, it's you. You're damn good at crazy."

"We're ready. Saren is getting what's coming to him. Don't doubt it, Shepard." Wrex grunted, his eyes assessing the Spectre. The krogan was way too keen for his own good. "What are you doing down here though?"

"I told you, Wrex." Shepard's brow furrowed at the krogan as his lips spread in another toothy, conniving grin.

"I mean what are you doing down here when your woman is waiting upstairs?"


	33. Chapter 33

Ashley prodded the mush with a fork. MRE's were, as a rule, pretty much crap. But this… She never was that into cooking. Food was food. But _this _wasn't food. The soldier sighed in frustration and pushed the two plates away from her.

So much for that.

It was a stupid idea, anyway. What was she? A damn housewife? The man was perfectly capable of feeding himself, and he hardly had time to sit around. They were on their way to _Saren_. Shepard was probably obsessing over what lie ahead – pacing and messing up his hair some more. It was no wonder he hadn't answered when she knocked at his door. He needed to prepare. And she should be doing the same, instead of sitting in the mess like an idiot. She could check over the weapons again, or see if Garrus needed help with the Mako. Or… _Oh, please, Williams. You know there's nothing to left go over._

_You know what you're doing up here._

There wasn't time to do anything more. They'd be landing on Ilos in a few hours. A few hours she had hoped… _Stupid, Williams. Stupid and desperate. _The soldier rolled her eyes at herself and slumped forward, her forehead coming to meet her hands on the table. She _wasn't_ this girl. This stupid, doting girl that worried and fussed over a grown man. It was ridiculous. She was a marine.

Except… now, she wasn't. She had given everything for this mission, for Shepard. Following him meant leaving the Alliance behind. She knew they were doing what they needed to do to defend everyone at home. But her whole life had been the Alliance. It was all she was - it was in her blood. Her father, her grandfather… She was born to serve, and she betrayed that. She was living up to the Williams name after all. The thought left a bitter taste in her mouth. She prayed she was making the right decision. Because she knew, when it came down to it, it wasn't only duty that swayed her to stay on the Normandy.

"I thought you said you were good at adding water."

His voice was as deep and smooth and lingering as it always was. Like a damn good whiskey. Ashley felt herself smile, her misgivings fading as her head rose from her arms and she met those piercing green eyes. He looked… nervous? That made sense, considering the future of the universe was going to be decided in the next few hours.

"I followed the instructions, ass. It's supposed to look like this."

"It's supposed to look like pasta. I think." Shepard smirked as he lifted a fork from the dish and the stuff slopped off. "Maybe not. But it's not supposed to look like this."

"I'd like to see you do better." The soldier challenged, leaning back and crossing her arms defiantly. He just shrugged and walked towards the cabinets, grabbing out a box of energy bars and throwing her one. She caught it deftly and arched a brow.

"There. Better." Shepard grinned, irritatingly self-satisfied. He unwrapped one for himself and took a bite.

"This is hardly a meal, Skipper."

"Hey, at least you can eat it." He jibed. Ashley rolled her eyes. "Did you mess one up and have to try again?" He asked with a smirk, eyeing the two plates as he walked back towards the table, grabbing a seat across from her. She grimaced.

"One was supposed to be for you." She pursed her lips as his eyebrows shot up. _Yeah, idiot._ "I knocked, but you didn't answer. I assumed you were busy."

"I wasn't in my room. I was making rounds, checking in on everyone. Making sure things are ready…" He sighed, his hand running through his hair. His eyes closed momentarily, but when they reopened they hit her dead on. "Thank you, Ash. Even if it is inedible." She frowned and kicked his shin under the table. He winced, though his grin didn't fade. "Ah! Sorry! I'll make it up to you, okay? Take you out somewhere when we dock. Maybe even somewhere with real food."

Ashley smirked. "Careful. That sounds dangerously close to an actual date."

The commander leaned forward, his elbows bracing him against the table. "Well, maybe it is one. Let me take you out."

"Bold, Shepard." The soldier grinned. Apparently, he was also past any reservations. "But I think you're forgetting we're fugitives. We won't be able to dock anywhere. At least, not anywhere nice. I am not going out to eat on Omega."

"Princess." Shepard laughed as she kicked him again. "You've got a point though. We'll have to figure that all out after this, I guess." He sighed, his hand coming up through his hair again in his signature move. "Maybe we'll get lucky and they'll just forget about the whole ship-stealing incident."

"The Alliance isn't really known for their leniency towards mutineers." Shepard's eyes narrowed, watching her. She just watched back. "I think getting back in their good graces is going to take some doing."

Shepard was silent for a moment, his green eyes full of thought. "Do you want to go back?" He asked finally, and her eyes widened. "I mean… Do you regret leaving?"

"Of course I want to go back. I'm an Alliance marine, Shepard. That's _all_ I am. It's in my blood." He leaned back from the table suddenly, as if she had slapped him. She rolled her eyes. "That doesn't mean I regret leaving. God, Shepard. How many times do I have to tell you? I'm in this. I know we have to get it done - and I believe that you're the one that can. If I didn't, do you really think I'd have followed you? I'm here, Shepard. _O Captain, My Captain_."

"Ash…" Shepard sighed again. He looked miles away now, back in that broody, melancholy place where she could never really tell what he was thinking. It was infuriating. "I don't think Whitman applies here anymore. I lost my rank when we left the Alliance. Besides, isn't his captain dead in that poem?"

"Way to ruin a perfectly good metaphor, Skipper." The soldier grimaced, rolling her eyes again. She hated this. Whenever they started talking, actually talking about anything relating to the mission, he would do this – just shut down. Start doubting himself. Get angry, or sad, or just silent. _What the hell happened to the man that was here a minute ago?_ "Stop doing that."

His brows creased. "Doing what?"

"Questioning me, questioning everything. We're all following you for a reason. Have a little faith, Skipper."

Shepard blinked, looking a little taken aback. "Faith isn't really my strong suit."

"Yeah. I think I knew that about you." Ashley pursed her lips. "Look, no matter what, you're still my Commander. You're my Captain. If you can't believe anything else, believe me when I say we're getting through this. _You_ will get us through this."

His eyes left hers, looking down at the table as if searching for something. She didn't say anything, just leaned forward, grabbing one of his hands. Finally, he found her again. "How can you be so damn strong all the time?"

"I'm not. I just know I'm right about this."

"I think you're just too stubborn to admit you're ever wrong." Ashley rolled her eyes and kicked him again. "Ouch! We're not going to win if you break my leg." He chuckled, his expression lightening a little. It faded quickly, and she frowned with him. "I'm sorry, Ash. I just… I don't have a good track record with these kind of things. We've got a damn good team, but our chances are still pretty much shit." He pulled his hand from hers. "I'm really fucking sick of getting people killed."

_Seriously?_ Ashley pushed her chair back abruptly and got up. "Don't even start that again, Shepard. It wasn't your fault. None of it." He looked at her wide-eyed, a little surprised by her outburst, but remained silent. "Do you think what happened to my squad was my fault?"

"What? No!"

"So why do you hold yourself to different standards? Skipper, you've had a shit hand dealt to you in life. I get that. But it's made you who you are. You're a defender, Shepard. A protector. You're strong, and passionate, and inspiring. You're a damn good leader when your head is out of your ass. Your only problem is that you don't see it." Shepard was still silent, watching her warily as she approached. "So stop it. Stop being an idiot. Stop doubting yourself and see it." She reached forward to thread her hand through his hair. He leaned into it and sighed, his eyes closing.

"I… thanks. For being here, for staying. I couldn't do this without you, Ash." He murmured quietly, looking utterly content as her fingers ran over his scalp. The man was practically purring. She knew this hadn't resolved it – whatever issues he had went a lot deeper than what an old-fashioned pep talk would be able to remove. But at least now he looked calm. At least now he was here, with her.

"Damn right, you couldn't. Someone needs to talk sense into you." She snorted as he made some sort of grunt in reply. "Really? Have you lost the ability to form words?" He grunted again, a small smile playing back on his lips. She smirked. This was the Shepard she knew. This scruffy, charming, mildly idiotic man. She knew he was messed up, that there were so many pieces to him missing. That even the ones he still had, she knew next to nothing about. She knew that most of the time, he was lost. But this…

Shepard's green eyes opened again. They weren't nervous anymore, just warm, honest. In awe. Filled with… Her heart lurched. _This_ was worth finding the rest of him. This was worth having to pick him back up when he was broken. Sure, it wasn't perfect. It was actually pretty damn dumb to even consider. But the way he looked at her, the way he believed in her where nobody else had… It was okay, because he picked her up too. _Oh, damn. You're in it good, Williams. _There were footsteps and laughter. Ashley stepped back a few paces.

Shepard frowned, glaring over his shoulder at some crewmen walking into the mess. When he looked back at her, he looked like he had made up his mind about something. He was wearing an oddly determined, devious grin. "You hear that?"

The soldier arched a brow, listening. All she heard was the nervous chatter of the crew as they glanced over at Shepard. She glared at them for ruining a perfectly good moment and stealing her chance to be alone with him. "Hear what?"

"I think it's the ship telling you to join me for a drink." He grinned and stood.

She laughed, shaking her head at his ridiculousness. "Really, Shepard? You succeeded with these lines?" She glared up at the crewmen again. Their eyes quickly left the pair to pretend they hadn't been watching.

"Haven't tried that one before. I guess we'll find out." Shepard smirked, apparently unbothered by the crewmen's lingering gaze as he took her hand, leaned forward, and kissed the back of it. She shivered. It was soft, chaste, but the gentlemanly gesture was lost when she saw the taunting in his eyes, and that still devious grin. "If not, well, good night. Princess." His grin broadened and he let her hand drop as she glared at him, turning and striding confidently to his cabin with chuckle. She gaped after him.

"I am not a princess!" She hissed. He waved over his shoulder, shooting her a final, winning smile before stepping through his door.

The soldier didn't hesitate. She stomped after him, her hand slapping the door control. She knew what she was getting herself into, and she wanted it. Ever since their 'dance' at Flux. Ever since she traced his scars in the medbay. Ever since she realized how damn _good_ he looked when he had just finished beating up that poor punching bag. The door swished open again, and he was there, grinning that stupid, cocky grin that she hardly got to see. Here, with her, he seemed in his element. There was no doubt when he stepped towards her, when he grabbed her wrist as the door closed behind her. His eyes were on fire – but this time, it wasn't rage that filled them. Ashley felt her blood heat as he pulled her to him.

"Guess it worked." Shepard chuckled, the deep sound reverberating over her. His arms wrapped around her and pulled her closer, until she was flush against him. Feeling that toned, muscular body against her... _Damn_. She pushed him playfully, her hands resting on his chest.

"Shut up, Skipper." Ashley rolled her eyes, then glanced around them. "I take it I'm not getting that drink then?" She smirked, and he just grinned again. _Impossible man. _His hand travelled up, leaving goosebumps in its wake as he reached for her hair and undid the tie. She felt it fall over her shoulders and arched a brow as his nostrils flared with a sharp inhale.

"Fuck, you're beautiful…" He murmured reverently. To her surprise, she felt herself flush. She'd been with her fair share of guys – but it had always just been fun, cutting lose after a hard day. Always pretty casual relationships. That look though… it was intense, and wanting, worshipping. Her chest constricted. "You know I'm no good for you, right?" His voice didn't have its usual melancholy. It was just deep, low and growling as he tightened his grip around her, but his words betrayed his internal struggle. Her hand brushed over his jaw, stubble prickling her as she did. His green eyes burned.

"Shut up, Skipper." She repeated, her voice husky. Her fingers traced up his jawline, behind his ears and into his hair. She was wrapped around him, so close. Her heart raced in anticipation. "I've fought a long time to get people to believe in me, and you _do. _You're the one person that's believed in me without hesitation. You make me feel good enough, Shepard." Her fingers curled against his scalp and he groaned. "So shut up and kiss me already, before someone else interrupts us."

Shepard didn't need to be told twice.

She gasped as he pulled her head back and his lips were on hers, bold and passionate and _hungry_, and then she responded, her arms strengthening their hold around him as she kissed him back. It wasn't the nervous, gentle touch she had been expecting. It was damn _hot_, demanding and full of need. He parted her lips with his tongue, a growl rising from his chest as he claimed her mouth and his hands slid down her back until they reached her ass, pulling her even harder against him. As if he could never be close enough. She broke off their kiss and gasped. Green eyes blazed down at her.

"Bunk here, Ash." Shepard growled, his voice low and rough.

Ashley smirked, looking up at him through her lashes. "I think that's the best command you've given me yet."


	34. Chapter 34

**This chapter contains some adult content. So, you know, read at your own discretion.**

**The poems in this chapter are **_**Ulysses**_** by Tennyson (of course) and **_**Sonnet XVII**_** by Pablo Neruda.**

**Enjoy!**

**xxxxxxxx**

Shepard was on fire.

She pushed him back towards his bed, but he didn't let go of her. He couldn't let go. His hands grasped her hips tightly as she pushed him back, pulling her down with him as the backs of his knees hit the bed. Ashley straddled him, then her lips were on him again. He groaned again into the kiss, his arms wrapping tighter around her for fear she would disappear. She kissed him fervently. The same passion that was setting his body on fire was mirrored in her movements – in the way her tongue danced with his, the way her hips ground against him.

He couldn't take it. He sat up, their mouths still locked, and found the hem of her shirt. His hands travelled up, and he reveled in the softness of her skin, the taut, toned muscles rolling beneath. Shepard pushed her shirt farther up as his hands explored, and she pulled back, quickly aiding him in removing it. His breath hitched as he took her in, all lean muscle and full breasts and so fucking gorgeous. Warm brown eyes watched him, hooded and as daring as ever as she reached behind herself and undid her bra. The woman threw it aside, her brandy eyes dancing as they met his. Shepard growled out a sound that was low and primal as he kissed her, tasting her skin, claiming ever part of her. She was completely, utterly intoxicating. Ash moaned as his lips and tongue played over her breasts, teasing and licking, finally gently tugging at a nipple with his teeth. The soldier gasped, arching against him, until she pushed him back with a smirk.

"I'll get you back for that, Skipper." She grinned, biting a lip and tugging at his shirt. He helped her pull it off, before he was pushed down again onto the bed with an _umph_. She leaned over him slowly, full lips trailing feather-like kisses down his neck, over his collarbone, his chest.

"That's hardly any way to talk to your Commander." Shepard growled, a smirk playing on his lips, but disappearing quickly as she trailed kisses lower, hands coming to his belt buckle and undoing it deftly. _Holy fuck._ Taunting eyes glanced back up at him.

"Sorry, sir." She murmured against him, eyes gleaming with mischief. Warm breath tickled his abs as she followed the trail of hair leading her down. He reached a hand up to his own head, tugging at his hair as he felt the maddening sensation again. "You can always order me to stop." Her mouth left him and he was suddenly cold, craving her touch as she undid the button, and he felt fingers curl against his hips as she pulled his pants and underwear slowly down. Her brows shot up and she stilled momentarily, before letting out a hum of appreciation.

Shepard groaned under her scrutiny. He was _aching_ for her touch. But before he could say fuck it and attempt to drag her back up to him, her mouth was around him.

"Oh, _fuck._" He hissed, his jaw clenched as he collapsed back, an arm thrown over his face. His mind was cleared instantly of coherent thought. He was completely, blissfully lost in sensation. There was nothing that mattered but this. It was so much fucking better than any kind of therapy they could throw at him.

Ash chuckled at his exclamation. It vibrated around him and he grated deep in his chest, a fist balling into the sheets. And she just kept going, moaning occasionally and sending more vibrations over him as his breath sharpened, his heart raced. Until he couldn't stand it anymore, until he needed her, all of her, all around him. He grabbed her hand as it climbed its way up his stomach and pulled her up to him harshly. Her brown eyes met him head on, hot and full of such unbridled want that his nostrils flared as he let go of a sharp breath. An arm wrapped around her and he rolled her onto the bed.

Shepard stood, ridding himself of his pants completely before going for hers, not being nearly as gentle as she had when he ripped them off. Ash flashed him a grin, and he drank the soldier in, so totally, wonderfully naked – so confident and unashamed. "So damn beautiful…" He murmured, then leaned over her again, nipping at her hips, then lifting her legs so they wrapped around him. Shepard settled over her. She moaned and panted beneath him, brandy eyes daring him, urging him forward.

He plunged.

Ashley cried out, and he groaned in reply, his mouth crashing onto hers to quiet them both. He began to move, slowly, and she spurred him on. Her legs wrapped around him tighter, pulling him closer, so he could feel her everywhere. Surrounding him, embracing him. It was euphoria. She threw her head back as he thrust deeper, producing a gasping moan. A hand scratched down his back, the other threaded into his hair as he groaned and bit at her collarbone. His pace quickened, the sensations driving him forward. He palmed her breast, the soldier moaning at the contact as their bodies met again, and again, and again.

She begged him not to stop, to go faster. Shepard felt her tighten, heard her breath hitch as she drew near. Her hand tugged him back to her and she kissed him so intensely he had to hold himself up on both elbows.

And just as suddenly, she released him.

"Oh, God. _Shepard!_" Ashley moaned his name and let out a cry, passionate and reverent as she arched and quivered around him

Her hands fell from around him down to her sides and he grabbed them, holding them captive and pushing them into the bed above her. He groaned as hips pounded harder against her. She gasped, her body still clenching around him, and he felt himself build, fill with exquisite tension until she moaned again and he snapped taut, then broke. His shout filled the room, and he collapsed onto her, his breathing ragged and his body spent.

They lay like that for a while, listening to one another's shattered breaths. Shepard basked in it. In this feeling of disappearing into her. He didn't want to go back. He sighed, his forehead coming down to nuzzle hers. Ash smiled.

"Hey, Skipper." She murmured, her breath dusting his lips. "You know, you're heavier than you think."

Shepard chuckled. "Way to ruin the moment with a fat joke, Ash." He rolled off of her, the distance foreign and unwelcome until she rolled onto her side, her head resting on his chest.

"Got to tell it like it is." She grinned. "You know, if I had known it was going to be like that, I might have said to hell with regs. I mean, damn. I think you've been holding out on me, Shepard."

Shepard grinned back at her. "I'll have to start ordering you to my cabin more often then, Williams. Wouldn't want word spreading that I'm an unfair Commander." She smacked his chest and he caught her hand, bringing it to his lips. She arched an amused brow at him. He brushed back some of her long hair, meeting her warm, affectionate gaze. Her hand lingered, running over his jaw idly. Memorizing the feel of him, as he did the same with her. His arm held her close to his side, keeping her, trapping her. He couldn't let her go. Once he did, it would be over.

"You know what's weird?"

Shepard blinked down at her. Her voice was still warm, teasing, as she trailed fingers again over the scars on his chest. He stroked a hand down her bare side. "That you're a cuddler?" It was a pleasant surprise. He'd half expected her to run for the hills.

Her hand smacked him, and he laughed. "No, smartass." She rolled her eyes at him. "I don't think I've ever called you by your first name. I mean, I think generally you're on a first name basis with someone when you hit the sack."

His hand stilled. "I… No one really does. Except Anderson, sometimes." He muttered, and she glanced up at him again. "Part of the job, I guess." His eyes lifted to the ceiling, brow furrowing. "If you want to, you can. I'm just… I'm not really that guy anymore."

"Well, it's a good thing you pointed out your rank doesn't apply anymore. It's a good name. A strong name. You can be that guy if you want to." She threw a leg across him and rolled on top, straddling him again. He gloried in the sight. Brown eyes stared down at him, full of heat. _This woman is going to kill me._ "You're more than your title, Owen." Her tongue tested the feel of his name, savored it. He shivered beneath her at the sound. She bent down and kissed him. It was slower, and she explored him, coaxed him. Her breasts brushed against his chest. Shepard breathed her in, wrapping his arms running down to her hips, his grip tightening as her fingers played against his scalp. She smiled against him, and pulled back just enough so that he could see the desire coursing again through her brandy eyes. "Not that I'm not appreciative of your new disciplinary actions, Commander. That was a whole new spin on 'on the floor and give me 20.'"

Shepard smirked. "I think you might be in need of some more physical training, soldier."

Ashley laughed, the sound sending a ripple over him. Her lips found his ear. She tugged gently at the lobe. "What'll it take to prove to you I'm in prime condition, Skipper?" She whispered, her voice sultry and so damn hot he was on fire again. He groaned as her hand travelled down between them.

"Bridge to Shepard. Better get up here, you know, when you're able." Joker's voice was a taunt.

"That man is a fucking menace." Shepard growled as Ashley leaned back.

"Five minutes from the Mu Relay." The pilot finished, and everything came back. His jaw clenched. _Fuck, no._

Ash smirked. "I guess you'll just have to whip me into shape another time, eh?" And she left him, getting off the bed and bending over to pick up her pants. He groaned at the sight, flopping back down on the bed and throwing an arm over his face. _How the fuck was he supposed to concentrate now?_ "You're damn incorrigible. Come on, duty calls." He peeked out at her as she shrugged on her shirt. It was a goddamn shame. He sat up, reaching for his own and stepping quickly into his clothes.

Slowly, the entirety of their situation seeped back into his mind. Saren, Sovereign, the geth. The beacon's screech accompanied the screams of his past, and his ears rang in protest. He sighed, a hand coming up through his hair. He had no fucking clue how they were going to do this. Ashley stepped towards him, her brow creasing seriously as a hand rested on his cheek.

"Stop looking so damned depressed, it's bad for my ego." Her voice attempted for lightness, but she held his face and searched him with worried eyes. "We're getting through this, Owen. Don't doubt it." He closed his eyes and sighed, and she leaned towards him, her whisper breathing against his lips. "_Death closes all: but something ere the end, some work of noble note, may yet be done, not unbecoming men that strove with Gods._" Her kiss followed, tentative and light, and left just as quickly. His eyes opened, his throat constricting.

"I can't lose you, Ash. I need you. Fuck, I…" Shepard struggled for words, mesmerized by her strong, soothing brown eyes. "I love you. So damn much." Her eyes widened, and she pulled away a little. "I'm sorry. I know you don't love me, and you shouldn't, but I can't… I needed you to know, whatever happens down there. I can't lose you." She looked shell-shocked, but her hands still held on to him. His eyes searched hers desperately. His mind screamed at him as the words flooded out, as his hand brushed through her hair at the nape of her neck. "_I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where. I love you straightforwardly, without complexities or pride; so I love you, because I know no other way._" He instantly felt like an idiot, but he had to. She drove him insane.

Ashley stood there and stared, her brown eyes darting over him as if he had transformed into some huge, ugly monster. But then her expression softened, a smile creeping onto her lips. "Jesus, you're such a sap sometimes." Her voice was soft and full of laughter, and her arms wrapped around his neck. Her face burrowed against him. Shepard smirked. _Well, there could be a worse response._ "No one is losing anyone, asshole. Nothing is happening down there except for us kicking Saren's plated ass." He chuckled at her bravado. Her face pulled back. "And Shepard…" She paused, then shook her head. "You know what? You want to hear this, you'll just have to come back to me. It'll give you an incentive not to be an idiot." Her arms released him and she stepped back. "I'll see you later, I've got some _other_ weapons to inspect before we launch." She smirked, eyes dancing mischievously, and Shepard snorted. His gaze followed her form mournfully as she sashayed out with a wave over her shoulder. _Oh, fuck._

He didn't know how he could ever live without her again.


	35. Chapter 35

"It's too dangerous. We need to find somewhere else." Garrus cut off Pressly's panic, but the XO shook his head wildly.

"There is nowhere else! I've searched everywhere. That's the only viable drop spot within miles of Saren. The structure is too large."

"Twenty meters isn't enough. The descent angle is too steep." Tali's voice chimed in on the argument, stepping up beside the turian. "Making that sort of a drop isn't possible."

"It's a suicide run. It isn't an option." Garrus confirmed, and he shot a glance towards Shepard as the commander braced himself behind the co-pilots seat.

The turian was obviously waiting, hoping he would agree, but Shepard remained silent and breathed deep. _Why can't it just be fucking easy? Just once?_ He wanted to disappear back into his cabin, back to an hour ago when Ash was there with him. When everything was right. His eyes took in the planet's atmosphere and his fingers clenched the chair. It was pretty big fucking chance to take with all of their lives, but he knew they didn't have a choice. Saren was here already, making his way to the Conduit. They didn't have time for a detour. They had to take a risk. And if anyone could get them in… He glanced at Joker, the pilot's eyes reviewing the monitors, a seriousness on his face that was foreign.

_Sure, now he learns to shut up._

"It's our only option." Shepard growled. "He's down there already, making his way to the Conduit. We don't have any time to waste. We'll have to risk it."

"Shepard, that's risking everything. We crash into that building, and he's _definitely_ getting to the Conduit." Garrus let his mandibles droop and he shook his head. "I don't think it's a good idea."

The Spectre met the turian's uneasy gaze. His reservations were reasonable, of course. But what else could they do? Let Saren introduce Sovereign and his friends to the galaxy while they road tripped around Ilos? _No. _He wouldn't let that happen, he couldn't. It was more than just duty now. It wasn't just rage driving him forward, it wasn't his need for revenge. It wasn't even just his constant, irrational will to protect. It was this _want, _this desire to live and see what tomorrow had in store. It was foreign and terrifying, and it had been so long since he last felt it that it was almost unrecognizable. But for the first time in the long time, he had something on the horizon. He had someone to come back to.

He had _her._

And no matter what, he had to make sure she would have a future, too. Her future – and everyone else's - was dependent on getting to that Conduit, on stopping Saren. It was worth any risk. Shepard pulled away from Garrus' stare and looked back to Joker, and the pilot met his gaze steadily.

"I can do it." Joker's voice was confident, void of any doubt, and Shepard nodded before pushing himself back from the seat.

"Alright, we're heading down to the Mako. Try to avoid pissing off the Reaper while we're gone, Joker."

"Wow, awesome advice." He drawled, Shepard leaving the cockpit with Garrus and Tali in tow. "I expect that medal when you get back, Shepard!" Joker shouted after them as they crossed the CIC.

"You're sure about this, Shepard?"

"We have to do it, Garrus. Whatever it takes, remember?" They rounded the corner, exiting the stairway to the second deck and boarding the elevator to the hold. The rest of the team would be waiting as he instructed, hopefully already geared and ready. Saren wasn't getting away. "This was never bound to be easy, and if it goes anything like the last couple weeks have, this will be the least of what we face. But if Joker says he can make the drop, he can. He's the best damn pilot I know." Shepard eyed the turian carefully, and Garrus did the same to him. There wasn't doubt in his eyes, only that same calculating look he seemed to save just for the commander. He was still assessing, still trying to find some clue to Shepard's reasoning. Still, even now, it seemed like he was trying to take something away from this. The scrutiny made him uneasy. "Hopefully, he'll drop us right on top of the bastard. Save us some fucking time."

Garrus nodded, apparently accepting Shepard at his word, and his mandibles fluttered as he chuckled. "Spirits, that would be a nice change of pace. But who knows? Luck has to turn in our favor eventually, right?"

_Fat fucking chance._

The elevator doors opened and Shepard didn't respond, finding his team assembled before the Mako, geared up and ready to go. They all looked at him expectantly, waiting for him to order them forward. For him to tell them to finish this. His chest constricted with the old, familiar panic. What if he couldn't? Why the fuck would he be able to? He was the last one that should be leading this team. He was a fucking basket case. He wanted more, but he didn't deserve it. His career was blend of his fuck-ups and death. Only a reputation for being difficult to kill and good aim had gotten him into the N7 program, and who the fuck knew what they were thinking with the Spectre status. He had done nothing to deserve this command, this team. Nothing to deserve her. All he was good at was getting other people killed. It was the only way these things turned out.

But her warm, steady brown eyes found him as his hand combed through his hair. Her brow arched, taunting him, her lips pursing with impatience. There wasn't any fear in her eyes, only strength, only a challenge. He knew from that look that she wasn't about to put up with any of his shit – all of the doubt, all the fucking guilt, it wasn't important now. The mission was important. She cocked her hips to one side, her arms crossing in front of her chest, and her eyes were lit with the words he had become too used to hearing from her.

_Don't be an idiot, Shepard. We're getting through this._

The commander stepped forward. "Status?" Garrus and Tali headed towards their lockers, retrieving their weapons quickly and falling in with the others.

"I've updated your overload sequence, it should allow for easier use and a more powerful shield disruption." Tali's voice was eager as she stepped forward, seeming to remember her work. Shepard glanced at her in surprise. "I adjusted my own as well. I'm testing a sort of jumping sequence that is weaker but should, theoretically, be able to stun multiple geth by crossing platforms." The commander gaped at her. _I said get ready, and she fucking got ready._ "I've also developed a drone I believe should help us draw away some fire. She doesn't do much more than act as a distraction, but I didn't have time to add a weapons suit."

"She?" Garrus was mimicking Shepard's expression, looking at the quarian like she had grown a second head.

"Yes, she." Tali crossed her arms, her posture becoming about almost as defiant as Ashley's. _I knew they were spending time together, but damn. _He glanced at the soldier, and she smirked, eyes alight with pride. "I'm still working on a name."

"Right, well…" If her upgrades worked even half as well as she was describing, it would give them a huge advantage on the ground. Shepard grinned at the quarian. "Damn. Good job, Tali. You're brilliant."

Tali squeaked something gratuitous and backed into the group, twisting her hands in embarrassment. Garrus' brow plates were still raised in wonder of the small quarian.

"Alright. Ash, how are weapons?"

"Ready, skipper. Spares loaded into the Mako." She reached behind her and grabbed his rifle. The thing was shining. Shepard smiled as she handed it to him - holding the gun was oddly comforting, reassuring. He brought it up to his eye to look down the scope, checking the alignment. As a rule, he cleaned his own gun, but as he brought it back down his brows raised in appreciation. She knew what she was doing. "As you can see, I also took the liberty of polishing your gun." Ashley's voice was low and husky as her lips curled into a smirk.

Shepard cleared his throat, glaring at Wrex as the krogan let loose a low chuckle. "Thanks, Ash. It looks good. I should have you do this more often." The krogan's chuckle became a full, grinding laugh. Ash winked and leaned back against the vehicle, and he took a deep breath. _Damn. _"Garrus? Mako is ready to launch?"

"It's good, Shepard. Not going to be for long if you plan on driving – "

"I do."

The turian sighed, resigned. "Well, it's good for now."

"Liara, did you bring down the supplies from the Doc?"

"All of our suits have been loaded with maximum doses of medigel." The asari confimed.

The commander nodded. "Good. Everyone ready?" There was a string of nods. "You all know how this goes. The stakes might be higher this time, but we damn well know how to fight geth by now. Don't let their shields recharge, hit vital areas only. The fuckers don't care about loss of limb. There'll be krogan as well – do _not _let them charge you." Wrex offered a toothy grin in agreement. "This is going to be fast and hard, but I don't want losses. Amp up barriers and keep your shields. No one is left behind today." He growled, finding Ashley's eyes again. She held him there. "Load up!"

"Shotgun!" Ash didn't waste a beat, grinning as Wrex let out an irritated grumble. She climbed into the Mako, the others following close behind and taking their seats in the back of the packed vehicle. The krogan sat hunched on the floor, and Shepard clambered over him to the driver's seat, Garrus taking up his place on the gun. The commander rolled his eyes at Ash as she grinned at him, her eyes eager and determined and ready for a hell of a fight. His doubt ebbed away as he settled in his seat, hands grasping the wheel. Brandy eyes dared him forward, and her strength was infectious. Shepard drew in a breath.

"Joker, ready?"

"Ready. Don't go and get yourselves killed, things are just starting to get interesting."

"Joker." Shepard growled. Ashley groaned in exasperation.

"Right. Commencing countdown. Launch in 10, 9, 8…"

xxxxxxx

They were falling.

"Brake! Brakebrakebrake!" Ash screamed, her confidence vanished as she grasped the controls in front of her.

"Garrus, shoot that son of a bitch!"

"_Shepard!_ Brake!" Garrus joined in her shout, though he did let off a round as they fell from the sky. The Mako hurtled towards the earth, and Shepard let it, his hand over the thruster control. The doors were closing, he'd have to gun it, but if he used the speed they already had…

"We can make it!"

"_Brake right now!_" Ash shouted again, and Shepard snarled. It was too tight. He turned on thrusters as they crashed to the ground, then pounded his foot on the brake. They slid forward towards the door just in time to see the goddamned rogue Spectre vanish as it closed.

"Goddamnit!" Shepard spat. How the hell that turian always managed to slip away, he had no idea. It was infuriating. "Fuck!" Ashley was glaring at him wide-eyed and flushed, as if her life had just flashed before her eyes.

"At least we didn't crash." Garrus muttered drily.

"How do we get past this goddamn door?" It was a barricade – a huge wall of stone that he doubted they could simply blast through with the Mako's gun. _Where the hell is a mining laser when you need one?_

"There should be an override, probably farther back in the facility. This is _fascinating_, such well-preserved Prothean architecture." Liara murmured, looking up from the back of the Mako. "Truly fascinating."

Shepard's hand tugged at his hair in exasperation. "Liara. Where would we find an override?"

"Well, I don't know exactly. But it should be fairly obvious – a control room, something of the like. They will have centered their controls in a large, defensible building, not unlike our own species."

"Tali, you get those schematics Pressly sent you?"

"Yes, Commander. I'll look for something." The quarian snapped at her omnitool, her three fingers typing wildly until she brought up a holographic display. "I think it must be this. We'll have to go on foot, but it's the only structure matching Liara's description. And… I think there's some sort of comm signal coming from it. It's too weak to pick up."

"Then that's where we're going. Come on, pile out. There are still hostiles showing up on radar, so check the perimeter – he definitely left some guards." Shepard drew his rifle as they jumped out of the tank.

They moved quickly into the complex, he and Garrus taking out outlying geth with efficiency while Ashley and Wrex took down those who got too close. Tali fired her shotgun intermittently, pausing only to raise her omnitool and stun a group coming up on their flank. The machines were falling apart around them.

The blood pounded in his ears, washing away any trace of apprehension. This was what he knew. The thrum of battle fell over him – run, aim, breathe, shoot. Again and again. Shots flew by them, but none hit with any consequence. In that moment, they were unstoppable. He grinned down his scope as a geth's light was smashed by his bullet. Then another. Then…

An explosion rang to his right, and he rolled to cover. "Fucking rocket launchers." He growled, peeking back towards the approaching synthetic as it towed its heavy weapon – until his eyes found Garrus. The geth was taking aim, the turian's focus still down his scope, facing the opposite direction. "Garrus! On your six!" His rifle flew up as he shouted. He took the shot, but the geth had already fired. "Duck!" Garrus dove to the side quickly instead, and the pillar he had been standing behind exploded. Rubble crashed around him as he fell. Shepard's throat tightened, his eyes narrowing. "Garrus? You good?"

The turian pushed himself up, rock and rubble falling from him as he stood. He shook himself off lightly and his mandibles flared in a grin as he darted to Shepard's side. "Almost took a rocket to the face there." Garrus chuckled, pulling out his rifle and taking aim. "That could have been messy. Might have given you a chance, though. I know it's hard being around someone so damn gorgeous all the time."

Shepard snorted. "Can't make you look any worse than you already do, buddy." They both let loose a round, and two geth crackled and fell. "Alright, move up! We're almost there!" The others fell back in as he rushed forward, Tali's drone floating slightly ahead to distract any waiting geth. Unfortunately, the thing waiting dispatched it immediately in a ball of light.

_Well, fuck._

"Get down! In cover, now!" Shepard shouted and dove behind a ledge, another explosion close on his heels. There was a tremor as the colossus took a step forward. Somehow, the damn things always seemed a lot bigger outside of the Mako. "Take out its shields!" Tali nodded, sending an overload towards the machine as he did the same. It fizzled, blue light dancing over its body, but remained otherwise unaffected. The rest of the team took turns firing rounds and dodging the colossus' retaliation as it continued pounding forward. Liara grunted, stumbling as its attack grazed her leg, but sent a warp back at it that crackled its shield. "Liara?"

"I'm fine." She said quickly, her submachine gun firing a rapid succession of shots.

"Its shields are down!" Tali shouted. Shepard nodded.

"Ash, grenades!"

"On it!" She pulled two pins and tossed, the grenades colliding with the machine's hide. The plating buckled, some fell away, but it just continued forward. _God fucking damn it._

"Shepard."

"Wrex?"

"We need to take it out. Before it comes close enough to cuddle."

"Have any suggestions?"

A toothy grin spread across the krogan's leathery lips. "One." He stood, and with a ferocious roar, charged forward.

"Wrex! Get your ass back here!" Shepard snarled, aiming and taking a few shots at the colossus' head. The krogan was making a straight line to it, and he collided with one of the synthetic's legs with a crash. _Holy fuck._

"Holy shit." Ashley muttered behind him, echoing his thoughts.

"Cover his ass!" Shepard fired another round as the colossus teetered, struggling to balance on three legs. Wrex fixed the problem, charging another leg with the same gusto. The team fired shots at the machine, which had begun to smoke, and fell to the ground with a crash. "Wrex, clear the blast zone!" The krogan lumbered back towards them, but not fast enough. He flew forward with the explosion, hitting the ground with a thud. _Fuck!_ Shepard ran forward, his eyes taking in the krogan heap in front of him. "Wrex?" There was no answer, no movement. "Wrex, are you good?" Shepard's hand came to his head. _Oh, fuck._ The giant was so still at his feet. His heart quickened._ "Wrex?"_

"Shepard."

"Wrex?!"

"Stop acting like such a princess."

"But you…"

"Just demonstrating the benefits of a redundant nervous system, and showing you all how to really take down an enemy. None of that dancing around the sidelines shit you two pyjaks love." Wrex waved a stubby hand towards him and Garrus. The turian's mandibles fluttered in amusement.

Shepard rolled his eyes. "Right. Come on, this should be it." He glanced at the large building before them and moved forward. They made their way up a few levels before coming to an overlook, a set of panels scattered around the room. The lights on them were still lit, and static buzzed from what he figured was a communication device. _How is this all still on? Fifty thousand years, and it's still operational?_ "Liara, is this what we're looking for?"

"Yes, I believe so. Let me…" She moved forward, her hands busying themselves with the controls. Ashley caught his eyes, and he knew she was thinking about the last time she handled a Prothean security system. Shepard sighed, but to his surprise, a rather promising green light appeared. "There. That should do it. The door will be opened now."

"Good. Great job, Liara. Let's move." Shepard turned, walking back towards the exit. _Almost there._ They should be able to make better time on the way back, get in the Mako, and haul their asses to Saren before he got to the Conduit. They needed to.

"Shepard, wait. There's something here." Tali spoke up, and he turned back with a frown. The comm panel had lit up, emitting some sort of garbled holograph. The static had turned to something else, and he heard the beacon's screech in his ear. Saw the flash of destruction. His fists clenched.

"_The Citadel… overwhelmed… only hope…_"

"It just sounds like static, Tali. And some kind of old broken message." Ashley approached on his right, giving the quarian a quizzical look.

"I think there is words in there. Maybe Prothean? I thought, maybe the Commander, because of the beacons…" Tali trailed off, glancing at Shepard. He stared at the holograph.

"Of course. The Prothean language would have been imprinted along with the Cipher!" Liara gasped. "Oh, how fascinating. Can you understand anything, Shepard?"

"_Act of desperation… The Conduit…all is lost."_

"Shepard?" Ash stepped closer. He couldn't pull his eyes away from the distorted image.

"_Cannot be stopped… Cannot be stopped!_"


	36. Chapter 36

The Mako barreled through the complex and Ashley fought the urge to hide her eyes. _You'd think, maybe, he would improve with practice_. Shepard's face was screwed up with determination. The commander leaned forward, his eyes not straying from the path in front of them, his jaws clenched and hands gripped tightly to the wheel. Ashley followed his gaze out to the tunnel, strangely void of geth or any sign of Saren. They had to be in here somewhere. The damn flashlight heads couldn't have just disappeared.

She glanced again at Shepard – he'd been quiet since finding the Prothean distress call. He had brushed off their questions and simply ordered them forward, only saying it was a warning. That they had to keep moving. But his reaction… The soldier sighed, looking back to the road. It took so little to set him off, who the hell knew what it could be this time? Despite everything that happened between them, he still had this strange, dark side to him. He had said he loved her, but here he was, closing himself off again, and she just had to wait around and hope he didn't pull something stupid again like he usually did in these situations.

_This idiot still doesn't get it._

He couldn't just shut down, not here, not now. They were doing so well - kicking ass and taking names before getting to that control room. But on the way back, he had become reckless, a desperate fire in his eyes. Sure, it worked for him most of the time, but the times it didn't… Ashley's heart raced at the memory of the shots he took on Ontarom. That couldn't happen now. She wasn't going to let it. This mission meant too much, and they needed him to finish it. Hell, the galaxy needed him to finish it. He was too important, but no matter how many times she tried to tell him it, he just went back to this. It was ridiculous, and beyond frustrating. With anyone else, she'd say they were a lost cause, that they should get some damn help before trying to command a warship. But Shepard… He was meant to do something big. She _knew _it. If he would just start to believe in himself the way he said he believed in her, maybe he'd have a chance.

"_I know you don't love me, and you shouldn't."_

Her eyes narrowed at the memory of his words. _You don't know a damn thing, Owen. _The soldier stole a look at him again. His expression hadn't changed. Ashley sighed and rolled her eyes, before looking out the dash again and seeing…

"Uh, Skipper?"

"I see it." He grunted back. A large, translucent barrier stretched from floor to ceiling in the distance, blocking their way. "Garrus, try the cannon." Garrus did. The cannon shot shook the Mako, but it impacted the barrier with no effect. Ashley watched as Shepard's brows creased tighter together. "Tali, what are we looking at here?" The vehicle slowed as they approached it.

"It looks similar to the one that held Liara in the mine. I don't believe we'll be able to use force to take it down." Tali answered quickly. The girl had seriously brought it for this mission, she wasn't holding back. Ashley smiled at the transformation. "We'll probably be able to find a way to disable it somewhere nearby."

There was an odd snap as another barrier came up behind them, effectively trapping them in front of a passage to their right. "Well, that's fucking fantastic." Shepard growled. "Move out. We're shutting this thing down."

"Is it a trap?" Liara mused as they stepped onto the road. Ashley rolled her eyes.

"If it were, I think we'd be getting shot at by now." The soldier muttered, unable to keep the annoyance out of her voice. She hadn't ever been great at letting go of grudges. Ashley walked past her, following Shepard as he led them into the narrow hall towards an elevator.

"Why would Saren erect this barrier, then station no guards?" Garrus murmured as the boarded. "It makes no sense. It would have been a perfect spot for an ambush."

The turian didn't receive an answer as the elevator door opened shortly after it closed. _Why can't they all be that fast?_ They exited onto a platform and another panel stood before them - lit and seemingly functional, just as the others had been. The Protheans built to last, apparently. A holo flickered to life as they approached. It was the same mess of flashing, distorted lights as the last one was. But there was no static.

"You are not Prothean." Shepard stopped, his jaw clenching once more as a synthetic voice filled the chasm around them.

"It's a VI." Tali murmured, her voice full of wonder. "It looks damaged, but in remarkably good condition after this many years…" Liara's eyes grew wide at her side, looking like a kid on Christmas.

"I do not sense the taint of indoctrination upon you, unlike the other that passed recently. Perhaps there is still hope." The voice continued, and Shepard's fists clenched. _Oh, great._

"A VI! A Prothean VI! Oh, this is _incredible!_" Liara practically squealed.

"There _is_ still hope." Shepard's voice was low and threatening as he ignored the asari's outburst. Ashley's brow furrowed at his reaction. "How can they understand you? What are you?"

"I have been monitoring your communications since you entered this facility. My output is translated into a format you can comprehend." The voice replied to Shepard's demands promptly. "My name is Vigil. I am an advanced intelligence system with imprints of Ksad Ishan, chief overseer of the Ilos research facility. You are safe here, for the moment. But soon, nowhere will be safe."

"Yeah, I've picked up on that. If you would take down that damn barrier you put up, we could continue on our way and make sure that doesn't happen." Shepard took another step forward, his eyes narrowing at the VI. Ashley arched a brow. _Why would a computer stop us?_

"No. Before you go after the other, you must understand, or you will make the same mistakes we did. You must break the cycle that has continued for millions of years."

"We don't have time – "

"Shepard, we _must_ listen. It may have information we need to defeat Saren and the Reapers. Please, we will not have another chance. This is our greatest clue to see exactly what the Protheans faced!" Liara stepped forward, her eyes wide and pleading. Shepard settled her with a chilling look, but nodded.

"Fine. Understand what?" He growled, glancing back at Vigil.

"The Citadel. It is the heart of your civilization and the seat of your government, just as it was for ours, just as it was for those who came before. But the Citadel is a trap." The VI paused. _Way to keep us on the edge of our seats, buddy. _"It is not simply a station. It is an enormous mass relay. A relay which links to dark space."

_That can't be good._

"The Reapers." Shepard muttered, drawing in a breath.

"Yes. When the Citadel relay is activated, the Reapers will pour through. And all you know will be destroyed."

Ashley felt the dread wash over her, and a glance towards the rest of the team told her they were feeling the same thing. Shepard just looked… angry.

"How the hell has no one ever realized the Citadel is a relay? Isn't that kind of hard to miss?" The commander snapped.

"The Reapers are careful to protect their secrets. The Citadel is key to their invasion. That is why they left it in the care of seemingly benign organic caretakers."

"Seemingly benign… The keepers?" Tali warbled in surprise.

"Yes. The keepers maintain the Citadel's most basic functions, allowing any species that discovers it to utilize the station without fully comprehending its abilities. They are the ones that ensure the relay's activation when the time for an invasion comes."

"So tell me, how the hell are we supposed to stand against an assault like that? What can you make us understand? Because all I can see is our galaxy's largest capital being hit, our leaders being killed, our peoples being massacred, while we stand here talking to a VI."

"It is true, that was our fate. Our government, our leaders, were gone before we even knew there was an attack. The Reapers seized control of the Citadel and through it, the mass relays." Ashley watched Shepard's eyes start on fire as he listened to Vigil's tale. She could understand his frustration with inaction – and Shepard especially was a man she would never describe as patient. But they couldn't go anywhere, not until this thing let them through. And as much as she hated admitting it, Liara had a point. Vigil might give them some idea of what fighting the Reapers would be like. They would need any help they could get. "Our communications were cut, our transportation. Entire systems were isolated and made easy prey for the Reapers, our fleets kept apart and indefensible. Our entire people was decimated systematically in a course of decades. We could only wait while planets fell around us."

"Wait? You didn't try to fight?"

"There was no fighting it, we had no way. The Reapers had all of our records. Our maps, our census data, all of it was theirs once they acquired the Citadel. Planets which weren't destroyed were enslaved, and those indoctrinated were sent as sleeper agents to betray us. There was no hope. The Reapers have a single goal: the total extinction of all advanced organic life. They are relentless, brutal, and absolutely thorough. They have always succeeded."

_No._

"But why? What do they want from us?" Ashley stepped forward, her face hard. It made no sense, there was no reason behind any of this. What could a bunch of huge, advanced murder machines want from them? Resources? Slaves? They were damn robots. They shouldn't _want_ anything.

"The Reapers are alien, unknowable. It is likely they are driven by motives incomprehensible to organics." _Very helpful._ Ashley rolled her eyes. "In the end, what does it matter? Your survival depends on stopping them, not understanding them." She glared openly at Vigil. Was she seriously just told off by a VI?

"Now you're talking. Tell me what we need to do." Shepard growled, uncrossing his arms.

"The Conduit is the key. Before the Reapers came, we were on the cusp of understanding mass relay technology. The Conduit is a miniaturized version of a mass relay, one which connects directly to the Citadel – the hub of the relay network."

_Finally. I've been wondering what that damn thing is._

"All records of Ilos were destroyed in the initial attack on the Citadel. Though our empire crumbled, Ilos was spared – and so was the Conduit. We cut off all communication to ensure we remained a secret. All personnel were contained to cryogenic stasis to conserve energy. I was programmed to monitor the facility and wake them once the danger had passed. Years passed, however, and the Reapers were still present. My energy reserves dwindled."

Shepard's fists clenched again. "What did you do?"

"The life support of all non-essential personnel was disabled first, to conserve energy. By the time the Reapers retreated, only the pods of our top scientists remained, though their energy was dwindling as well."

"You killed them." Shepard's voice was laced with disgust.

"Yes. But this outcome was not an unknown. My actions were a result of contingency programming put in place upon my creation, and they are the only reason any hope remains." Vigil's voice was oddly defiant for a machine. Ashley's eyes narrowed. "The scientists I saved were able to manipulate the keepers."

"I thought you said they were under the Reapers control?"

"They are under the control of the Citadel. It is a signal the Reapers send through the station which compels them to activate it at the time of an invasion. However, the scientists were able to alter this signal, and this time when the one called Sovereign sent it, the keepers were not compelled. The Reapers are trapped in dark space."

"Until Saren goes through the Conduit and gains access to the Citadel's controls."

"Yes. Once he has bypassed the stations external defenses, he will be able to transfer control of the station to Sovereign, and the Reapers will be able to begin their invasion. You must stop them, before the cycle of extinction continues. There is a data file on my console. You must take it and upload it to the master control unit. It contains a program which will override the Citadel's security systems and allow you temporary control of the station. It may help you in your fight against Sovereign."

"Tali, get that file." The quarian nodded and ran forward quickly at Shepard's command.

Garrus' mandibles fluttered in confusion. "I've never heard of a master control unit, where…?"

"Follow the one you call Saren. He will lead you to your goal. You must go quickly, he approaches the Conduit."

Shepard didn't need to be told twice, he turned his back to Vigil and headed straight for the elevator. The soldier followed him in an instant, the rest of the team on their heels. All except Liara.

"Liara, get in here! We don't have time to stand around!"

"But, this chance… Vigil is already wavering. Who knows how long it will remain active? We have to find out more about the Protheans. I've waited my whole life –"

"Liara, were you not listening to any of that? We will all _die _if we don't get a fucking move on. Get your ass in here before I make Wrex carry you." She didn't move, and Shepard stepped towards her. "You said you were in this, Liara. We need your help."

Ashley bristled, making no effort to disguise the glare she gave the blue woman.

The asari blinked, then frowned. "Yes, yes of course… I'm sorry." She scuttled quickly after him, and his hand pounded the control and the elevator moved.

"We are not stopping. Garrus, you blast anything that even looks like it might be in our way. We need to get through that Conduit."

"Will do." The turian's mandibles twitched a little. Maybe nervously? She still didn't completely get turian expressions. Garrus glanced at her, his eyes meeting hers with a mildly confused, definitely worried look. Ashley was silent a moment, processing Shepard's words, before coming to the same conclusion the turian probably had. The soldier's eyes widened with comprehension.

"Skipper…" Her voice was careful, and his green eyes found hers instantly. The commander said nothing, instead simply arching a brow. "Please tell me we're not going through a mini mass relay in the Mako." He was silent again, but then she saw it. That damn spark he got in his eye when he was about to do something playful, or devious, or incredibly stupid. On one hand, it was a relief to see something in them other than the empty rage. But on the other… "Oh, no. Shepard, no."

"Shepard, the Mako _really_ isn't built for that." Garrus warned. Shepard walked out of the hall towards the vehicle. He opened the door and climbed in without a word.

"We're going to die because of that asshole." Ashley sighed.

"Yes, we are." Garrus' mandibles drooped.

"At least he's got a quad. Come on, stop whining and get in. There are more things to kill." Wrex lumbered by them, and Ashley rolled her eyes, but she was unable to suppress the inexplicable grin that spread across her face as Tali shrugged and followed, Liara still pouting at her heels. She couldn't imagine any other human gaining the respect and trust of such a bizarre group.

_Only Shepard._

xxxxxxx

"How can you even see?!" Ash cried out again as more mud splattered onto the windshield. Shepard pressed down harder on the gas, barreling over a few geth before veering around another corner and down a slope. The place was a maze. But at least they were moving forward, at least they had some tiny semblance of hope. He wasn't trapped. They had a chance.

It was all that was holding him together.

"That's what radar is for." He muttered back, rolling his eyes at her usual lack of faith in his driving. Everything he did wrong, and this was the thing she chose to criticize?

"That is _not_ what radar is for!" Garrus shouted from above them, before another shot sounded from the cannon. He could make out a faint outline of an armature as it fizzled and fell.

"Nice shot." He murmured appreciatively. Ashley snorted beside him.

"Not the time! Focus on the road!" She snapped. Shepard smirked as her hands braced against the dash. Seeing her like this, so panicked by a car ride, and yet able to keep her cool in front of dozens of shooting geth - it really made no sense. "This is not funny!"

"It's a little funny." The Mako jumped as they ran over an encroaching root that had managed to burrow through the complex's stone walls. The vehicle wobbled and righted itself, but he didn't bother slowing. He stole a glance at her face, the fury on it plain. "Come on, it is not that bad."

"No, Shepard. It _is_ that bad." Ashley hissed, glaring at him with those brandy eyes. "Now you choose to lighten up? It's the silent treatment for an hour, then the minute you get to do something stupid in the Mako, you're Commander Dandy again?"

He arched a brow. "Commander Dandy? Really?" Garrus blasted a few more armatures, and Shepard swerved around another corner. Almost there. They _had_ to be almost there. Ashley simply rolled her eyes at him, until the Mako went over a drop off and she was thrown off her seat, bumping her head on the ceiling of the tank before being pulled back down by her straps. There were groans of protests from the back.

"So help me, Shepard, I will get you back for that." The soldier growled.

"I'll hold you to it, Ash." Shepard grinned, then risked a wink at her. Ashley just rolled her eyes, but their expressions faded as they rounded another corner and a steep descent greeted them. Geth littered the hill, armatures, primes, and hundreds of troopers turning their attention to the Mako as it rolled over the top.

_Well, fuck._

And at the bottom, primed and ready, was the Conduit.

"This might be a bad idea, Shepard." Garrus drawled above him. Shepard eased his foot back down on the gas, and they rolled forward.

"Just try to keep them out of our way." He slammed his foot down. The Mako jerked forward. "Tali, is this possible?"

"Kind of late to ask that, Skipper. Don't you think?" Ashley muttered as they barreled forward. Bullets pounded the vehicle's hull. Inexplicably, a smirk teased at his lips. Adrenaline flooded his veins.

"Well, theoretically, it should be… if we hit it at the right speed, while it's still active. From the looks of it, that won't be much longer. But the landing is what will be tricky…"

_That's not a no. _It was good enough for him.

"Tricky?" Garrus sighed, the cannon firing shot after shot at the surrounding geth. Shepard just kept pressing them forward, any geth that got caught in their way getting crushed under the tank. "There goes another tire, Shepard. This is really not a good idea." The whir of the relay became louder as they approached. They were so close. Shepard's eyes squinted as an explosion blasted on the hood of the tank. The controls screamed in protest, beeping wildly as smoke poured out in front of them.

_Almost there_.

"Oh, Goddess!"

Liara's voice was drowned out as the Conduit's sound became deafening. The Mako climbed towards it. Arcs of light reached out to meet them, to draw them forward. Everything shuddered, the sensation an overwhelming tremor. His breathing quickened, his hands clenching on to the steering wheel.

_Almost there._

Warm brown eyes found his. She still had something to tell him, and he was sure as fuck going to hear it. They were suspended, and for a moment, he felt weightless.

Then everything crashed around them.


	37. Chapter 37

Ashley's head crashed against the side of the Mako as it landed on the Citadel.

The sudden blow dazed her and her ears rang with the sound of the crash. She struggled clumsily to right herself, to draw in a breath of the smoke flooding the vehicle. The soldier shook her head, trying to clear the dull pounding that was overwhelming her senses. A hand grabbed her, shook her. Her eyes found his, wide and panicked. His mouth was moving, but she couldn't hear the words. _Oh, hell. Just give me a minute. _She struggled with the clasp of the straps that held her down, before Shepard pushed her hands away and yanked her free. He dragged her from the tank.

He ran with her, half carrying her at his side before they were blown forward by a blast. Shepard landed half on top of her, but was up quickly, pulling her with him. Slowly, sounds drifted back to her, adrenaline pulsing in her blood. She heard the pulse of geth gunfire and hurried after the commander as he slid into cover behind a ledge. The rest of the team waited for them there, relief etched on their faces when she appeared. Shepard pulled her down with him then clasped her shoulders, his eyes appraising her, searching for any obvious injuries. He let out a sigh when she rolled her eyes at him, and let go.

"You're good?" His face was etched with worry. She watched Garrus peek up and take a shot at an encroaching geth.

"I'm fine, Skipper. Just hit my head." She answered brusquely, readying her weapon again. "But you are not allowed to drive. Ever again." Shepard smirked, but it didn't reach his eyes. He apparently wasn't convinced.

"He's not going to have anything to drive. That poor tank…" Garrus' voice was mournful. Shepard snorted, but any retort was cut off as he looked up. The commander's green eyes widened. Ashley followed his gaze. The Citadel's arms were closing, but a large shape was approaching fast.

"Sovereign." Shepard's voice was low and damning. He pulled up his rifle again. "Tali, try to get a message off to Joker. Let him know where we are. They're going to need him." The quarian nodded, her omnitool lighting up as she typed at it rapidly.

"Husks!" Liara's voice alerted them then hurled a singularity at the moaning monsters, leaving easy targets for Shepard. He picked them off, then looked up again. The Reaper had made it into the Citadel easily. Ashley sighed, resigned. _Great. _They were stuck on an alien station with a Reaper and only a couple hundred geth, completely cut off from the fleets. And she had a damn headache.

"It's going for the tower. The controls must be there – and Saren." Shepard reasoned quickly. It made sense, and the team voiced no objections. "Everyone ready?" He looked over the group, getting nods and an impatient fist pound from Wrex in response. Green eyes lingered on her, as if assessing the risk. Ashley settled him with a fiery look. _Don't even think about leaving me here, idiot. _He seemed to get the message. "Let's go." He jumped over the ledge and stormed towards the nearby elevator, and they followed, taking out the geth guarding the entrance. Shepard pounded the control – he seriously didn't seem to be capable of pushing any button gently – and the doors whisked open. The team climbed in to the cramped space and fired off a few last rounds before the lift carried them up.

The lift didn't seem to understand their urgency, as it went just as spectacularly slow as it usually did. _At least that damn music is gone._

"Those geth the Mako hit on the way in don't count for you, by the way." Garrus drawled as they waited. Ashley watched as the corner of Shepard's lip tugged up.

"Don't worry, Garrus. I'll try to miss a few if you're feeling inadequate." Shepard smirked, and the turian's mandibles fluttered in a way she could only interpret as amusement. Ashley rolled her eyes at the pair. Somehow, Garrus always seemed to be able to pull Shepard out of his funks. _Jesus, Williams. Jealous of a turian._ Things certainly had changed.

The elevator came to a stop. There was a moment of silence, the team glancing around the enclosed space then at one another. Ashley frowned as she saw Shepard close his eyes and draw in a deep breath.

"Shepard." Wrex's booming voice broke the silence.

"Wrex."

"The elevator stopped." Apparently, the krogan was done waiting for it to start up again. He looked at the commander expectantly, and Shepard's eyes opened as he sighed in exasperation.

"Saren must have overridden the controls." He growled, then paused for a moment, looking around the elevator once more. "Alright, helmets on, mag boots active." He grabbed his pistol and turned towards the window looking out over the Citadel and pointed his gun. _Oh, of course. Just go straight for the most dangerous option. _Ashley complied, sliding on her helmet, and she heard the clicks as the rest of the team did as well. Shepard glanced back at them, nodded, and then fired. The glass broke away, and the soldier was instantly grateful for ZG training as she felt the emptiness of space pull at her.

Ashley watched Shepard step over the ledge and her heart rose in her throat. It was ridiculous, he would be fine, but the inexplicable dread that ran through her was chilling. Watching him drop off the side like that… He was careless as ever with his own wellbeing. It made no sense, considering the fuss he made over the rest of them. She heard the sound of his boots meeting the metal on the side of the tower, and stepped out quickly after him, assault rifle ready.

They weren't done fighting, and she wasn't about to let him try and do this alone.

xxxxxxxx

Another pulse struck his shields, and his suit pinged in protest. The drop ship hovered above them, pouring out more geth than they could take. Shepard just kept firing back, his eyes searching for a way, anyway, to get them out of this trench.

"Tali, can you take control of those turrets?"

The quarian followed his gaze to the Citadel's inactive defense turrets. She nodded, peeking over the side only to have a geth fire a shot past her head. Shepard overloaded the thing in a quick retaliation, then turned back to his team.

"Wrex, cover her. Those guns are the only way we're getting rid of that ship." The krogan gave a grunt in acknowledgement and climbed over the barricade, Tali right at his back. The quarian was dwarfed by the battlemaster, and he worked as an impeccable distraction as she darted for the first turret. The geth swarmed Wrex, but the krogan wasn't easily weighed down. He brawled his way through the machines with limited effort, Liara aiding him with the occasional well-placed singularity. Tali hacked the first turret, and the gun began firing instantly at the ship. Shepard grinned at the victory, until a very large, very well armed geth dropped from the smoking ship. "Garrus, focus fire on that prime!" He joined the turian, and dual rifle shots pounded the synthetic's headpiece. Its shields wavered, and he waved his omnitool with a flash to overload what remained of the machine's defenses. "Ash! Grenade!"

The soldier responded quickly, throwing a frag directly at the prime. Shepard's brows rose in appreciation – she could be a damn good pitcher – and the prime fizzled and screeched, exploding and taking out a few troopers with it.

"Hell yeah!" Ash shouted, and Shepard couldn't help but grin. Despite the pounding in his head, the screaming and the deafening, pulsing thrum that seemed to increase as that damn Reaper got near, he could still feel it - the smallest shred of hope that maybe, just _maybe_ they could do this. Any unease at the whispering in his ears was replaced by the familiar, comfortable rush of battle. His blood was pounding in his ears, his rifle steady in his hands as he fired. He watched the debris of fallen geth float away from the tower's exterior, and he waved the team forward, rushing to another ledge. Tali managed to activate another gun, and flames began to overwhelm the geth ship as it fired. It's engines whirred to life as it attempted a retreat, but it was too late – it dived sideways, crashing down and exploding on structures Shepard hoped were not inhabited.

The Citadel was a warzone. It made him feel, for the first time, that he belonged here. He had no place among politicians, among the keepers of law or the station's elite. But he was at home in war, more alive on the battlefield than anywhere else. And with her at his side… Shepard glanced quickly at the soldier, now blasting her shotgun at an encroaching trooper. Seeing her ferocity here, and feeling the same drive in his veins… it was a heady combination.

The team took out the few final squads that were left by the crashed ship and jumped from cover, rushing forward, farther up the side of the tower.

_Almost there._

"Come on, that hatch should get us back inside." Shepard knelt next to the hull, his omnitool scanning the lock. Tali hurried forward, looking at him expectantly. He nodded, and she quickly overrode it. "Great job, Tali. I hope you're recording all this shit. Something as impressive as taking down that ship is bound to earn you some pilgrimage points."

"Well, it's all pretty standard, really…" The quarian muttered, the latch unlocking. She glanced back up at him, eyes shining brightly behind her visor. Shepard sighed.

"Sounds like they're hard to please."

"You have no idea." Tali murmured, following him down as he climbed back into the tower. He glanced around quickly, rushing to a wall and peeking around it.

"I told you this place was built for a firefight." Ashley muttered, taking cover beside him as he looked down his scope. Several geth lined the balcony, and at the top of the stairs…

Shepard's blood boiled. "_Saren!"_ He snarled, but the turian was already at the controls. The commander ran out of cover. "Tali, overload those geth!" The tightly grouped geth lit up in a line, and he picked them off quickly while they were stunned. "Liara, singularities. Garrus, finish them off! Wrex, Ash, with me!" He stormed forward, his eyes glued on the rogue Spectre as he bent over the controls. Saren didn't even bother looking back, taloned hands swiping over the holographic interface in front of him.

_Face me, you son of a bitch._

Shepard's rifle came up, his crosshairs hovered over the back of the turian's head. His finger squeezed.

The shot missed as Saren stepped off the ledge. Shepard snarled in frustration. The rogue reemerged on his hovercraft, drifting above the Council's platform. _Get your pointy ass down here! _He grabbed his pistol and fired a few rounds off as Saren hovered before him, but the turian was unfazed. Shepard got closer, weapon still raised, until he saw it. His eyes widened as he took in the monstrosity before him. Saren's eyes were lit with an inorganic glow, wires and tubes running along the outside of his plated body. Shepard's mind flashed to the beacons vision, to the screeching and screaming of the Reaper's creations. He was altered, a sickening combination of flesh and machine.

The bile rose in his throat as he took in the state of the former Spectre before him. They had changed him. And suddenly all Shepard could smell was the smoke and the filth, and all he could see in the turian was a slave. _Only fit to dig and carry. Only fit to obey_. The pity that flooded through him was sickening.

"Shepard! Get back!" Ashley's voice was a cry as Saren's hand rose to throw a grenade. The commander rolled back and ducked behind the edge of the balcony. He narrowly missed the blast.

"I was worried you wouldn't make it in time, Shepard."

"Maybe you should have called off a few of your buddies then." Shepard growled back, pulling up his pistol and listening to the distant hovering of Saren's machine. _Why isn't he moving in? What's he playing at?_

"That would have made this much less climactic, don't you think?" Saren's voice was haughty. "I think we both knew it would end like this." There was laughter in his voice, mocking Shepard, goading him to try again. The commander's grip tightened around his gun. "You've lost. You know that, don't you? In a few moments, Sovereign will have full control of the Citadel. The relays will open. The Reapers _will_ return."

"Fuck that. This isn't over yet!" Shepard's mind screamed in protest.

"It is pointless, Shepard. You may have survived our encounter on Virmire, but you cannot survive this. I have... changed. Improved. Sovereign has upgraded me."

"You _let_ him implant you?! You fucking idiot!" Shepard screamed, glancing around the ledge at the hovering Spectre. Saren ignored his words.

"I suppose I should thank you, Shepard. After Virmire, I couldn't stop thinking about what you said. About Sovereign manipulating me. About indoctrination." The bile burned in his throat. "The doubts began to eat away at me. Sovereign knew. He saw my hesitation, and gave me these implants to help strengthen my resolve. It was a gift." The rogue's voice was awed when he spoke of the Reaper. _When he spoke of his master_. Disgust broiled Shepard's veins. "Now my doubts are gone. I believe in Sovereign completely. He knows the Reapers _need_ organics. Join us, and Sovereign will find a place for you, too."

"You're a fucking slave, Saren! Can't you see that? You're being controlled by that 'gift' of yours. I'll be damned before I join you." _They can't change me. I'm not an animal._

"You don't understand, Shepard. The relationship is symbiotic. Organic and machine intertwined, a union of flesh and steel. The strengths of both, the weaknesses of neither. I am a vision of the future! The evolution of all organic life. This is our destiny! Join Sovereign and experience true rebirth!"

"Sovereign's controlling you, you fucking moron. You're nothing but a collared dog. They'll get rid of you as soon as you aren't useful. But they haven't won yet. I will stop them from taking control of the station. I _will_ stop them from invading. And I will kill you if you keep trying to get in my way."

"You can't! You can't stop them, Shepard! You saw the visions. You saw what happened to the Protheans. The Reapers are too powerful."

"Don't assume we can't do it just because you're too much of a coward to try." Shepard snarled. He wouldn't give up. He couldn't_._ There was too much at stake, he had too much to lose now. And he would _never _let them change him. "You've given up, but there's a galaxy's worth of soldiers still ready to fight. We've already got a step up on them – we _know _they're coming, we know what they are. We have more of a chance than the Protheans ever did. We'll find a way to defeat them. I will not let them roll through unopposed - we will fight, and we _will_ win!"

Saren was silent for a moment, until an eerie whine sounded from his dual vocal chords. It sounded pained, and Shepard glanced around the ledge for long enough to catch his straining expression. "Maybe you're right… Maybe… _unh!" _Saren cried out in distress. "_No! _Sovereign… too strong." Shepard glanced around the corner again, Saren's hands covering his face, his body shaking as he fought his implants. The commander's stomach roiled in disgust as he saw his chance.

Shepard rolled out of cover and grabbed his rifle, and in the split second he took to aim, he saw the turian's eyes. He recognized the pain in them, the fight, the constant struggle against an invisible enemy. He watched as Saren tried to take back control, but his body protested, shaking and heaving. It was too familiar. And his chest constricted as he saw the sorrow, as he heard the Spectre murmur his last choked words.

"I'm sorry."

Shepard's finger squeezed, and this time the bullet hit. Saren fell from the craft and crashed through the glass beneath the platform, landing in a copse below. He was still. Shepard's head was screaming, pain lancing him as he was rocked by the beacon's vision, as his subconscious threatened to take over with the smell of smoke and shit and decay. And in his ears, there was an arrogant, defiant voice, deafening and overwhelming.

_**We know you, Shepard. **_

_Fuck you._ Shepard felt a lance of pain shoot through him and struggled to stay standing. He heard footsteps behind him, more than just those of Ashley and Wrex. The rest of the team must have joined them.

"Wrex." His voice was grinding, strained, as he fought back the pressure of Sovereign's influence. _Get the fuck out of my head!_

"Shepard." The krogan answered simply, as usual.

"Make sure he's dead." He looked back at Saren, pity and disgust and an odd sense of regret flooding him. He was nothing. He was a tool. He was another slave that Shepard couldn't save. His hands came up to the visor of his helmet as another pulse racked his mind.

_**You cannot escape your doom.**_

"Shepard?" Ashley was beside him, her voice laced with worry. She lifted a hand towards him, but he shook his head, and moved towards the controls. There wasn't time for that now. He brought up his omnitool quickly to transfer over Vigil's file, and the display lit up in confirmation.

"I've got control." He murmured, his fingers playing over the panel in front of him. He needed to open the arms, let the fleets in, and send that fucking monster back to hell.

_**You cannot fight us.**_

_Watch me, you motherfucker. _"There! Arms should open soon." His voice was full of relief, but he stopped as the controls lit with an incoming message.

"… the Destiny Ascension. Main drives offline. Kinetic barriers down 40%. The Council is on board. I repeat, the Council is on board!"

"Normandy to the Citadel. Normandy to the Citadel. Please tell me that's you, Commander." Joker's familiar voice filled the room, sounding uncharacteristically frantic.

"Hey, Joker. Miss me?"

"Oh, go to hell." Despite his words, Shepard caught the sound of Joker letting go of held breath.

"You catch the Ascension's distress call?"

"Yeah, but we're not there yet. We're sitting with the Arcturus fleet in the Andura sector. The relays around the Citadel are locked down – we can't get in." The pilot's voice was distinctly annoyed. "Open them up, we can save the Ascension!"

"That's humanity's largest fleet, Shepard." Ashley murmured beside him, her voice pained and doubtful. Shepard frowned. He got it, she didn't like sacrificing human lives for one alien ship. But the Council… _Are huge, egotistical, backstabbing assholes. _The commander sighed.

"This is bigger than humanity! Sovereign is a threat to every organic species in the galaxy! We need the Council to lead us!"

"So we should just throw away all of those lives?" Ashley hissed back at her. "We need to focus on Sovereign."

"And after? When they blame humanity for the death of the galaxy's leaders, and we are all divided once more?" Liara shook her head. "We need to save them. We need to fight this together."

Shepard's heart sank, and he looked towards Ashley. He saw the fight still clear in her stance, the denial. He knew there would be no winning with this choice, and he wondered why the fuck he was the one to be making it. _Where are the goddamned Admirals? Aren't they supposed to be commanding the fleets? _His fingers flew over the panel again.

"Joker, relays are open. Save the Ascension." He growled. His head screamed.

_**You cannot resist. We are limitless.**_

"Shepard, no!" Ashley's voice was shocked, and he turned to face her, his throat constricting. "Damn it, Owen. You can't save everyone! The Council can be replaced. We need to think of the greater good."

"I am." He spat back, his blood boiling, his head pulsing. "Do you think I like doing this? Throwing Alliance soldiers at the geth to save those assholes?" He stepped towards her, his voice low and grinding. "They _will_ fight, just like we all will, just like we all have to. I am _not _throwing them away, Ashley. I'm not sacrificing them to save the fucking Council. I'm asking them to fight, to save this goddamned galaxy's best hope for united leadership." Shepard felt like he took a blow to the stomach as she turned away from him, her posture still itching for a fight.

_**Your words are as empty as your future. **_

"Dead." Wrex shouted up from below them, interrupting any further argument. The krogan sounded distinctly disappointed. He stood over Saren's corpse, a large, booted foot nudging the dead turian lazily. Shepard turned away from the rest of the team and back towards the controls, hoping to find a way to undermine Sovereign. To aid in the fleets' attack.

The tower shook around him as his mind flashed with pain.

_**You cannot win, Shepard.**_

An earsplitting cry sounded from below, and he saw Wrex back away from Saren's body as it tremored. The mechanized parts of the turian lit with an unnatural glow, and his vocal chords vibrating in a warbled scream as he shook. As he was raised from the dead.

_Oh, fuck that._

"Wrex! Get out – " He was interrupted as a pulse of power shook the chamber, and the platform shifted beneath him.

"Shepard, watch out!" Garrus shouted behind him. The platform lurched.

"Shepard!" Ashley screamed after him, and he turned, in time to see her run towards him as he fell. Her arm was outreached over the edge as he crashed to the ground with a painful thud. Fire lanced through his flank. _There goes a rib._

"Shepard." Wrex grunted nearby, the krogan stepping towards him and dragging him back.

He groaned as he stood, shaking off Wrex's grip. "Wrex." He growled back, glancing around them, trying to catch sight of Saren. His body was no longer sprawled in the center of the room.

"He's not dead anymore." The krogan announced, pulling up his shotgun, and jerking a stubby hand towards the opposite wall. Shepard followed the gesture to where he pointed, and found the thing that used to be Saren. He was on all fours, sticking to the wall like a spider, more machine than turian. _What in the fuck…?_

"I'll let you kill him this time, if you want." Shepard muttered, trying to figure out what the hell they were going to do about the crawling, bouncing creature that was moving menacingly towards them. Wrex let out a deep, rolling chuckle. At least someone was unperturbed by the turn of events.

Shepard leaned around the edge of the pillar they hid behind, and let loose a single shot. The former-Saren screamed.

"**I am Sovereign, and this station is mine!"**

_Well, shit._

Shepard fired another round, but it was too goddamned fast. It jumped to the ceiling to avoid the shot, before glowing an eerie red.

"That can't be good."

"Shepard, we're coming!" He heard Ashley's shout just before Saren blasted them with a red pulse.

"How is he even doing that!?" Shepard growled as he and Wrex darted to another pillar, their former cover point collapsing into rubble. He peeked around and sent an overload towards the creature, and it shook as its shields took the hit, before he jumped away to another wall, turning his gaze back to the commander. It crawled towards him, Shepard drew his pistol, firing round after round at the monstrosity. Wrex joined in, roaring in fury as his shotgun blasted. But Saren didn't feel it – he couldn't feel it. This was just a shell, Sovereign's twisted puppet, and it leapt forward, toppling Wrex and pinning Shepard to the ground.

Shepard struggled against the beast's hold. His side screamed with pain, his ribs cracking further under the pressure. Talons slashed against his helmet, and he felt his visor crack at the blow, felt the glass cut into his brow. He managed to bring his hand up, his pistol driving towards Saren's jawless head. He fired two rounds and the creature wavered but didn't fall. His talons rose again, but he was stopped as Wrex charged forward, knocking him off of the commander with an entirely krogan kind of efficiency.

"Thanks." Shepard murmured quickly, standing and trying to follow Saren's darting form. Wrex grunted in reply, before following Shepard as they ran for cover again, Saren priming to fire at them. The creature was stopped, however, as he was struck with a powerful warp. He turned his attention from Shepard and to the approaching team. "Get it to stay still! Tali, overload the shit out of that thing!" He shouted quickly, encouraged by the reinforcements.

"**You cannot win!"**

Tali did as she was commanded, and Saren shook with the pulse that hit him, another strangled cry leaving the turian's mechanized body. Shepard took the opportunity quickly, bringing up his rifle and firing. Saren fell as another round pieced his head, still shaking with the effects of Tali's attack. "Now! Everything you've got!" The team blasted the creature before it could stand, and soon Saren was a mass of holes. Red sparks danced over the creature's body, and soon he was ablaze, crumbling into ash before them. Shepard slowly lowered his rifle, and his hand came up to remove his damaged helmet. He groaned as he drew in a breath, the action sending a shooting pain again down his side.

"Think he's dead now?" Garrus approached to his right, eyeing the ashes speculatively. Shepard nodded, then looked up as the tower shook again. He could faintly hear the blasts of the warring ships above them.

"Joker?" He moved further from his team, trying to get a good angle on the view outside. His team watched him from the opposite side of the room.

"Kind of busy here, Shepard!" The pilot screamed back at him, but didn't close the comm. "Its shields are down, now's our chance!"

"Hit it with everything we've got." Hackett's voice patched in, and Shepard frowned, wondering where the hell he had been twenty minutes ago. He pushed the thought aside, glancing out the window towards Sovereigns looming figure and trying to catch sight of the approaching fleet.

"Hard on my flank!" Joker shouted, and he saw Sovereign fall from the tower, its limbs curling in on itself helplessly. _I think that's called winning, asshole._ But the triumphant thought was vanished as pain lanced through his mind, sharp and blinding. His hand came up to clench at his hair.

_**You cannot escape your destiny, Shepard. We are coming.**_

As quickly as it came, the pain vanished. Shepard looked back up in time to see Sovereign split at the seams. The explosion was massive, a blast of red fire as the Reaper blew apart. It was fucking beautiful. He watched the debris drift, enjoying the moment, before his eyes widened with realization. _Oh, fuck!_

"Go! Go, go, go!" He shouted, turning back to his team. There was a crash, and glass rained down around him. He started towards them, towards the exit. They were far enough away, they should be okay. But they needed to move. He saw her pause, saw her turn to look back at him. His heart dropped. "_Go!"_ He screamed desperately. _She has to be okay. _"Garrus!" The turian caught his meaning and pulled the soldier with him. A piece of debris crashed in front of him and he leapt over it. They were still running. They would be okay. She would be okay. That was all that mattered.

There was another crash, and Shepard looked up in time to see the Council's platform shatter above him.

"_Owen!"_


	38. Chapter 38

The pounding in her head intensified as she fought to regain consciousness. The soldier found herself choking on dust as she drew in a deep breath, and hacked out a hoarse cough into the darkness.

"She's awake!" Ashley frowned at the warbled voice, and her eyes opened narrowly, trying to take in her surroundings. Her head was in a daze. "Keelah, we were so worried, Ashley. Are you alright?" She just groaned in response. _I'm seriously sick of getting hit in the head. _Ashley pushed herself up, a hand coming to rub her helmet tentatively.

"What happened?" She muttered, glancing at Tali. The quarian's hands twisted around themselves nervously. She glanced towards Garrus and the turian deftly avoided her gaze, his mandibles drooping. Liara had her face in her hands, but she could make out the tears that ran down.

That was when she remembered. She felt her breath leave her.

"_No_." Her voice was choked but firm as she glared back at them, enraged by the defeat evident in their postures. _Please, God. No. That's not how this ends._ "Call him. We all made it, he'll be fine."

Garrus' mandibles fluttered, the plates on his brows pulling down in regret. "We already tried. He's not answering our hails."

Ashley felt her chest constrict. She shook her head. "He's fine." She brought two fingers to her ear. "Shepard? Shepard, come in." She hailed him, but her only response was silence.

_I'm not done with you yet!_

"Ashley…" Tali's voice was filled with remorse, and a three-fingered hand reached out for her. The soldier shooed it away, her eyes climbing the walls of their little cave.

"We should try to get to him. He wasn't that far behind us." She mused, determined and unwilling to give up. She couldn't just sit here and wait. She had to try and get to him. "Have you guys tried to start digging us out?" There was a grunt behind her, and she shifted uncomfortably in the cramped space. Wrex was wedged under a large piece of rubble, stubby arms swiping at the mass in front of him. He looked comically like a lizard digging in the sand.

"We're buried pretty good." The krogan informed her simply, continuing his labor. He seemed ridiculously unperturbed by the weight pressing down on him. Ashley's heart thundered, looking for another likely spot to start digging. They had to find him. If he was hurt, or…

_No. He's not getting out of this that easily._

"Normandy to ground team. I repeat, Normandy to ground team. Are you guys reading this? Come on, someone!"

"Garrus here." The turian responded to Joker's voice quickly, a talon rising to his visor.

"Holy crapping Christ, finally! You guys all okay? We've been trying to contact you for a while now. Is Shepard's comm broken or something? Tell him to answer me. I don't take rejection well." Ashley felt Garrus' eyes on her. _He's okay. He's not about to go down like this._ Liara let out a sob at the pilot's words, and Tali leaned over to comfort her. Ashley shot the asari a venomous glare.

"Shepard… isn't with us." Garrus answered quietly, and there was a moment of silence on the line.

"Oh…" The pilot's voice was unusually reserved, pained and lacking the sense of victory it had a moment ago. "Oh." He said again simply, his breath hitching.

"He's fine!" Ashley hissed, her blood pulsing through her. Her head ached in protest. Garrus looked away again, a small sigh slipping through his pointed teeth.

"We're stuck, Joker. In the Council Chambers." The turian continued after a moment. "We'll need someone to help dig us out." Garrus winced as he tried to move. It was the first time the soldier noticed his leg lodged at an awkward angle under a large piece of what used to be the chamber's platform.

"Yeah, okay. I'll let the rescue crews know." The pilot's muttered, resigned. "They should be there soon, they're already landing."

"Thanks, Joker." Garrus said weakly. Tali had turned away from Liara again, and looked to the turian, her posture radiating concern.

"Yeah. See you soon."

They were silent, Tali taking the opportunity to scan her omnitool over the turian's vitals. Wrex continued shoveling at the rubble, dust and bits of rock occasionally raining over her. Apparently, it wasn't in his nature to stay idle. She was half tempted to join him, but there was too little room to maneuver. Liara let out another soft sob, and Ashley rolled her eyes with an over-loud scoff. The soldier was past being polite - the asari had no right to mourn him.

_He's okay. Oh, God, let him be okay._

Her prayer was desperate, her throat constricting despite her stubborn denial. She had been so angry with him, so outraged at his decision to save the Council over the Alliance ships. But now... They still defeated Saren and Sovereign, they still stopped the Reaper invasion - at least for the time being, and it all didn't matter, because all she wanted was to know he was okay. To see those bright green eyes, to feel his arms around her. To hear him make a fool of himself reciting those damn sappy poems. Her arms wrapped around her knees as she felt a prickling in her eyes.

_Get a hold of yourself, Williams. He's fine._

Things had just gotten started. They had finally won, this mission was finally over. They could take a breath. They would have more to do, sure, if the Reapers were really still coming. But there might at least be a lull. She could convince him to sit down for half a second, to ease back on the constant brooding and enjoy the moment with her. Maybe he would actually take her out to that dinner he had promised her. And her throat constricted at the possibility, because what they had, it hadn't been enough. She hadn't held him enough. She hadn't kissed him enough, or ran her hands over his damn messy hair enough.

She hadn't loved him enough yet, and she hadn't told him just how much she did.

_Damn it, Williams. Why didn't you just tell him?_

Her arms squeezed her knees tighter, but she didn't cry. She wouldn't. Because he _was _going to be okay, or she would hate him forever for what she wouldn't be able to do.

The soldier was pulled out of her thoughts by a scuffling above them. "They're digging." Wrex grunted unceremoniously, still managing to remain unimpressed.

"We're in here!" She managed to keep her voice strong and lifted her gaze to the source of the noise. Soon a small light appeared above them, and the figures of several Alliance soldiers lined the widening gap.

"Sir, over here! We found them!"

Ashley grunted as she tried to straighten, her body undoubtedly bruised by being pummeled by the tower's wreckage. "We've got some injured down here." The soldiers nodded, but didn't reply, backing away from the hole as a familiar face loomed over it.

"Chief Williams. It's good to see you in one piece, soldier." Anderson's deep, reassuring voice washed over her, but his eyes didn't stay on her. He glanced around their little cave, a frown deepening on his features. "Shepard?"

"He isn't with us, got cut off when the debris hit the tower." Ashley watched the captain's face darken, his eyes grow so pained she found herself not for the first time wondering exactly how long the men had known each other. "He's fine. We just need to find him." She added stubbornly, before remembering herself. "Sir."

Anderson glanced back to the soldier, his eyes considering her. The worry was written clearly on his face, but at least it wasn't defeat. At least he seemed just as determined to find Shepard. "We'll keep looking, Williams. In the meantime, you had all better get yourselves looked at. Looks like the damn geth chewed you up and spat you out." With that, Anderson held out a hand. Ashley grasped it and was pulled up, and her heart sunk to the pit of her stomach.

What used to be the Citadel's grandest chamber was nothing but ruin.

xxxxxxxxx

"_Keep it steady."_

_Owen held the pistol as still as he could, trying to stop his arms from trembling. He lined up the sight with the center of the can – just like his father had shown him – and squeezed. He missed._

_There was a booming laugh beside him. "Ah, well, at least you hit the post this time." Owen glared up at his father, but the large man simply grinned back down at him. "You'll get it, don't you worry about that. You're too goddamn stubborn to not."_

"_I wonder where he gets that from." He heard his mother's lilting voice before he saw her. She rounded the corner from the house, Bryce close at her heel. The boy caught sight of his older brother and grinned, running forward. His father took back the gun and stowed it away quickly, keeping it from his copper-haired sibling's inquisitive grasp. Owen frowned._

"_I don't like the implications you're trying to make there, you minx." His father gave his usual big, full-toothed grin. She just rolled her grey eyes, flicking back some of her long, dark hair over her shoulder._

"_Let me try, Dad!" Bryce demanded, tugging at their father's arm. _

"_I don't think so, tyke. You're still below the height restriction." Bryce frowned at the denial._

"_Lunch is ready, so you boys had better get in here before I find someone better to feed it to. And don't think I didn't notice you skipped your chores yesterday, Owen. That field needs to be plowed, and you are going to be the one to do it. And I'll be watching to make sure you don't sneak off to that little friend of yours again." Her voice took on that no-bullshit tone it did when one of them was in some definite trouble. Owen sighed as she disappeared back in the house, avoiding his father's critical gaze. The man clapped him on the back when he hesitated._

"_You heard the woman. We'll grab some grub, and then you have work to do. I get done in time, maybe I'll even help you move some of those fucking boulders you keep trying to run over." _

"_Why can't we just move in town, Dad? None of the other kids have to do this shit." He groaned, but instantly regretted it as he was spun around. He took in the intense gaze on his father's bearded face and knew he was in for a lecture._

"_Owen, this farm is our livelihood. It's what supports this family, what keeps us fed. Those kids might think they have it good now, but they're going to grow up thinking this fucking galaxy will just give them everything. It's easy to do, with how far we've come. But you'll know better. You'll know that in order to get things done, you have to work your ass off. You have to keep pushing. Life isn't easy, kid. Most of the time it's a bitch, and you might struggle to get by. We're raising you here because it can teach you how to get past it. There's going to be a lot of goddamned boulders in your way, Owen, but at least you'll know what to do with them."_

_Owen met the man's green gaze, sharp and intense, and sighed. "Really, Dad? Farming metaphor?"_

_His father smirked, shaking his head in exasperation. "You're a goddamn smartass, you know that?" He reached out at roughed up his son's dark hair. "Come on, let's go in before your Mom starves us out." He started towards the door, but Owen hesitated again._

"_Dad?" The man looked back, a thick brow rising in question. "Thanks." He murmured simply, and was rewarded with another of his father's signature grins, before the man disappeared inside._

There was pain. Everywhere. He felt like he had been trampled by a herd of elcor, and he groaned, trying to protest the pounding in his brain and the lancing pain shooting through his ribs, his arm, his leg.

_Fuck._

The sensation was driving away the warmth of the memory, and he grasped at it desperately, trying to bring them back to the forefront of his mind. Trying to stay in that place, that place where things were right, where they were alive, where there was none of the pain. But the dream ebbed away, their faces blurred once more by time, and he was left in the present. He pushed to remember exactly what he had done to get in this situation. Shepard winced as he tried to shift.

_Fucking ouch._

The pressure on him was immense, crushing. He was able to maneuver enough to recognize the piece of wreckage as part of the Council's balcony. _Figures. _And the battle came back to him, Sovereign's possession of Saren's body, the Reaper's destruction and the debris hitting the tower. He tried to move enough to see if he could spot his team. "Ash? Garrus? Any of you there?" He heard nothing. "Well, fuck." He murmured, and winced. He was alone. But at least they had gotten out. She had gotten out. That's what mattered. He would find a way out of this…. Somehow.

He tried to move again, to pull at his left arm to get at his omnitool. He ground his teeth at the fire that shot through his limbs as his body objected. He wriggled farther, succeeding in freeing the upper part of his chest, only to have the weight on him shift and put pressure on his abdomen, and a flash went through him as a crack sounded from his arm. The breath was knocked out of him, and he gasped trying to retain it. He tried again to tug his left arm, but it was oddly numb now. _Well, that's fucking great._ Messaging for help would probably be a no go. He tried his right arm. If he could push the thing up just enough, he might be able to get out. The limb was mildly less painful.

It took some doing. After what seemed like an eternity of pulling, shifting, wriggling the arm free, he managed it. He sighed in relief, allowing himself a moment of triumph. _Talk about getting past a fucking boulder. _He smirked at the memory. He felt his pulse begin to race, the pain start to ebb away as adrenaline kicked in. He was probably in shock. Being crushed by the Citadel's seat of government would do that to a person.

He took advantage of the renewed energy to position his arm and grasp the edge of the rock, and pushed. He grunted with effort. _I have got to start benching more._ Slowly, minutely, it rose, and he continued pushing up as he shifted outwards, until the angle was too odd and the weight too intense. The platform crashed down on his legs, and he snarled in pain. His torso dropped back to the floor as the fire radiated through him again, his breath coming in short, labored spurts.

"_Fuck._" He hissed through clenched teeth, but after a moment, he started again. His good arm pulled him back. It was a pitiful crawl, and he pulled himself free slowly. He knew that walking wasn't going to be an option, but he might be able to drag himself far enough to attract attention. They were bound to send some clean-up crews. He dragged himself across the floor of the chamber, grunting and heaving, before he reached a pile of rubble.

"You've got to be fucking shitting me." He groaned loudly, and slumped back to the floor, trying to figure out a way he was going to make it past this latest hurtle.

"Captain? I think I heard something."

"Where?"

Shepard was flooded with relief at the familiar voice. He pulled himself forward again with a grunt. "Over here!" He shouted, but his voice was hoarse, strained. Its usual volume was gone.

"There. Did you here that?"

Shepard groaned, pulling himself forward again. Pain shot through him. "I'm over here, you fucking idiots!"

He heard a clambering as feet climbed the other side of the wall, and he looked up.

"Shepard! My God, son, what did you do to yourself this time?" Anderson slid down to his side, but Shepard's gaze was still on the figure still making it over the top of the pile. Ashley's warm brown eyes held him, and he felt himself relax, felt himself lull and give in to the exhaustion that flooded his body.

"Oh, thank God." Ashley's voice was a whisper next to him, but his eyes were beginning to blacken. He felt her fingers at his jaw, in his hair, gently stroking. He allowed a small smile to play on his lips.

"I knew you couldn't stay mad at me."

"Don't push it, Skipper."


	39. Chapter 39

"Looks like the Doc did you some good." Anderson's eyes appraised him as he sat. His former captain had gratefully already ordered him a drink, and Shepard settled back in his seat, swallowing a bit as he did.

"Wonders of modern medicine." He murmured, shrugging. Truthfully, having all of those broken bones healed had been a bitch. Not to mention the round the clock supervision. Chakwas had deemed him at-risk, and refused to allow him any time alone that he could potentially use to escape. It was finally decided that, after a maddening amount of time, he was allowed to leave his bed.

It hadn't taken him long to ditch the wheelchair and sling. She had said he'd be fit for duty in no time – he decided to take her words literally.

Anderson gave a disapproving _hmm_, but said nothing more of it. The weathered captain raised his glass to drink, and Shepard followed suit.  
"So, throwing me in with Council – that your idea of a thank you?" Anderson's dark brows furrowed in irritation.

Shepard frowned, guilt prickling over his skin. "You heard what they said, Anderson. Those idiots think it's done – that the Reapers are just some boogeymen trapped in dark space, and now that Saren and Sovereign are dealt with, they're free to just continue fucking around. They have no intention of preparing us for the invasion." Shepard sighed, leaning forward to run a hand through his hair. It was shorter than usual – Chakwas had taken it upon herself to do some grooming while he was out. "You're our only chance at getting them back on track. I mean, shit, Saren brought in a damn army and blew up half the Citadel and all they can do is say thanks? That I've done them a service they can never repay? They can fucking repay me by fighting the Reapers."

Shepard shook his head, pausing his tirade to take another drink. With everything that had happened, it was needed, and it was damn good. Anderson met his gaze steadily as he continued. "They're going to try and push this under the rug. I know it. Spending the resources required to prepare for a Reaper invasion wouldn't be a popular choice. The Council position was just a way to pacify humanity after we gave up half our fleet. Its bullshit, but we have to try to use it. Try and gain some pull, get their help. We can't face the Reapers alone, and we can't afford to waste any time trying to convince Udina to pull his head out of his ass long enough to realize the threat. You're our only option."

Anderson studied Shepard for a moment, his dark eyes serious. "You're sure they're coming?"

"They're coming, Anderson. It's only a matter of time."

The captain sighed, leaning back in his chair. The bar bustled around them. It was one of the few intact after the attack, and business was apparently thriving. _Nothing like a Reaper fucking up the station to make you crave the strong stuff_. "I'm losing track of the amount of favors you owe me, Shepard." Despite the gravity of the situation, his lips twitched upwards.

Shepard smirked back at him. "I know it. But at least it's not only my ass you're pulling out of the fire this time." Anderson grunted in agreement. "And you can't tell me punching out Udina didn't feel at least a little good."

The captain gave him a rare smile and chuckled. "That it did." He took a swig of his drink, his eyes growing curious again. "Where are you taking the old girl next?"

"Council wants me on the geth." Shepard grunted, rolling his eyes. _Fucking idiots. _"I need to start finding a way for us to fight the Reapers. Fuck knows that'll keep me occupied. And I still have eyes out for Cerberus - I'm done letting those assholes sit on the backburner."

Anderson frowned, shaking his head. "You need to learn to let go, Shepard. Hackett's already got teams out searching for Cerberus, but they're damn slippery. Focus on the geth. Focus on finding information about the Reapers."

"The geth are hardly even a threat, now that we killed their damn god. They're disorganized. The Council is only sending me so I'm not on their asses. But Cerberus is a fucking terrorist organization, and I want it gone. They're the most immediate threat." He growled, trying to justify the overwhelming _need_ he had to hunt those bastards down. His confinement in the med bay had given him time to think – too much time. Besides the Doc's constant, silent supervision and the sporadic visits from his crew, he had been uncomfortably alone. Ash was oddly absent. After waking up to her at his bedside, she had left quickly, barely rambling an excuse, and had never returned.

_Tell a woman you love her, and she disappears. Fucking typical._

In an effort not to think about exactly what _that_ meant, he resorted to thinking about topics he was more comfortable with. Anger. Regret. His mind became preoccupied with the beacon's vision, with Sovereign's lingering, taunting words. With the damn memories that never seemed to leave him. He had a resurgence of nightmares, waking up haunted by the voices of those he had lost. Those he had failed. He needed something, some purpose, to help him forget. And with the Reapers hiding out in dark space, Cerberus was the only viable option to go after next. He needed them dead.

His old captain watched him critically. "You're letting old wounds fester, Shepard. Leave it be."

"The Reapers are still my priority, Anderson." His voice was low as he met the intensity in the man's brown eyes. "But it isn't something I'm going to let go. I can't." Shepard muttered, and his eyes fell to his hand, still grasped around the glass of amber liquid. He heard Anderson's heavy sigh.

"Well, it's not like you've ever listened to me anyway." Anderson grumbled, leaning forward again. "Just watch yourself, Owen. Keep your head on straight. I know how you get when things hit too close to home." Shepard just grunted, taking another drink. "Your crew staying on?"

"Some." Shepard said simply, glancing back up and finding Anderson waiting for him to elaborate. "Tali is going back to the Flotilla once we find her some decent intel on the geth. Wrex – "

"Wrex?"

"The krogan." Shepard grunted in exasperation. "He headed back to Tuchanka already. Said something about uniting the krogan. Probably the best damn preparations that are being made for the Reapers." The commander let out a sigh, a hand running through his too-short hair again. "Garrus is staying on for a while, but he's thinking about applying for Spectre training." The news had been surprising, but welcome. The turian would make a damn fine Spectre – a hell of a lot better one than he – and a second person with access to the Council would be a huge benefit. "Liara is going to search for more Prothean ruins to try and find more information on them and their fight."

"Good. No sense in making the same mistakes." Anderson nodded his approval. "And Chief Williams?"

Shepard frowned, unsure what to say. They hadn't discussed it, because they hadn't discussed anything since the attack on the Citadel. He had assumed she would want to stay on the Normandy. But apparently, he had misread things. His stomach churned at the thought. "I don't know."

"You don't know?" Anderson's brows shot up.

"She hasn't said." Shepard's hand came up to rub the back of his neck. "She hasn't asked for reassignment, but she hasn't said. Anything. She knows I want her there…" He sighed again, reaching compulsively for his drink. "Fuck, I don't know."

Anderson considered him for a moment, then a smile played on the older man's lips. "She seemed keen on finding you in the Council chambers."

"She's a marine. Of course she did." Shepard grumbled, his brow furrowing. "No one left behind."

"It was more than that. That woman was driving my team goddamn crazy. She wasn't just a soldier looking for her commander." Anderson eyed him speculatively. "Just apologize."

Shepard gaped. "For what? Almost dying?" _For that night before Ilos?_ "For saving the Council instead of our own troops? For making a decision she didn't agree with?" _For wanting her, needing her, every day since? Or for loving her, and saying it too soon? _"I can't just apologize without knowing what I did. I… She just disappeared. She's gone."

"Christ, Shepard. You've got this all or nothing mindset with everything you do. Always have." Anderson sighed, as if reminiscing, and shook his head. "Women are a mystery, Owen. But I doubt she's going anywhere. Just give her time." Shepard's brow furrowed again, considering. Time for what? She had promised that after Saren, after he came back to her, she would tell him how she felt. _This is her telling you, dumbass._ A hand ran again over his hair. "This isn't to say I condone fraternization." Anderson grumbled, but the twinkle in his eye gave him away. "But I think I can manage overlooking it for the Hero of the Citadel."

"Damn it, Anderson. You too?" Shepard frowned as his captain stood, effectively finishing his drink as he did. The Spectre stood up with him.

"Better get used to it. You're a goddamn celebrity now." The captain clapped him on the back as he groaned. "Good talking, Shepard. Let me know if you need anything. I'll be in touch."

Shepard watched the man leave, wondering when it would stop feeling like he was still just some kid Anderson pulled out of the ass end of nowhere. He stood there for a moment, unsure of his next move. He didn't need to be back on the Normandy - they wouldn't be leaving the station for a few more days. And anyway, all that waited for him there was a shitload of questions. He settled back into his seat, trailing his thumb over the rim of his glass.

He tried to focus his thoughts back on the Reapers. On Cerberus. On anything except for her. But as his thumb dragged itself again around the rim, the amber liquid reminded him of her brandy eyes, and it was a lost cause. She didn't love him. It was something he could deal with, something he understood. But losing her completely…

_Fuck,_ he missed her.

"Is this seat taken?"

The unfamiliar voice interrupted his thoughts, and he looked up at the tall, thin, elegantly dressed woman in front of him. She gave him a sly smile and didn't bother waiting for him to answer, sliding herself into Anderson's abandoned seat.

_What the shit is this._

"Can I help you?" His voice was low and gruff, but the predatory expression on the woman's face didn't waver. She leaned forward eagerly.

"Commander Shepard, my name is Khalisah Bint Sinan Al-Jilani." A well-manicured hand pushed back a few strands of her short hair, before settling back on the table and sliding a little too close. "And I would love to buy you a drink."

xxxxxxxxx

"And there's our favorite squatter, reemerging from the underground. Decide we're okay to talk to yet, or are you just trying to escape before Shepard sees you?"

Ashley tensed, turning from the airlock to face the pilot. He had given no indication that he noticed her approach, but he had now swiveled his seat around to face her. The soldier sighed and rolled her eyes.

"Shut it, Joker."

"So you _are_ escaping!" Joker's brow quirked. "Shepard really that bad in the sack? I knew that man had to have a flaw. No wonder he never keeps a woman around long."

"Jesus!" She probably could have strangled him, if she wasn't sure she'd break the bones in his neck. "It has nothing to do with Shepard. I just want some fresh air."

The soldier wasn't sure if it was a lie or not. She knew the pilot's accusations weren't far from the truth. She _had_ been avoiding Shepard. She had almost lost him, and the pain had been surreal. It made no sense. She had never felt as helpless as she did while she sat under that rubble, never felt that out of control, and the feeling frightened her. And she knew, with him, with his damn insistence on getting himself into mortal danger on a regular basis that it would happen again. And again. He might be able to just dive in, ignore what the constant, inevitable threat meant to them. But she wasn't about to just let him make her fall in love so he could go and die on her.

_Oh please, Williams. As if you haven't already._

"Uh huh. Well, the guy is looking like a lost puppy. More than normal, and that's saying something. It's really putting a damper on the celebrations. So let him down easy, will you? I was getting used to the new, improved, slightly-less-moody-Shepard. He was a fun guy."

Ashley glared at the pilot. "Okay, Joker, _seriously_ not any of your business."

"Just one concerned citizen of the Normandy to another. And do it soon, will you? It's not nice to let him dangle, and I'd like him to be somewhere where he won't punch holes into the hull."

"I'm not…" Ashley sighed and rolled her eyes again. She had no idea what she was planning on doing. She thought that putting some distance between them would help clear things up. That now, after everything, she'd have time to sort through exactly what she felt for that infuriating man. But she still was just as confused. She knew she cared for him, that it almost definitely went deeper than that. But how could she just forget? Just disregard that feeling of complete, helpless loss and move forward with him? She sighed and waved her hand at the small man dismissively. "I'm going for a drink."

Joker grinned. "Maybe you have spent too much time with him." Ashley offered a choice gesture in return and walked through the airlock.

Her walk across the station didn't bring any of the clarity she wanted it to. She had thought maybe time away from her bench, from the Normandy, would clear her head and give her better insight on the situation. But it was the same. She knew the man was a mess, knew he'd probably always be a mess. She could handle that. She could be there when he was unsure. She could be there when something set him off, when he was lost. She would always try and bring him back, always try to help him. But she didn't know how she could be there when he wasn't – when he was knocking on death's door, and there was nothing she could do to stop it. Watching them haul him back to that hospital bed, bloody and broken, unable to help. Watching him struggle again, just like after Virmire… It wasn't something she was ever going to be ready for.

And he just kept doing it.

He had said he'd try, that he would be more careful. But he never was. He threw himself at Saren - hell, even at Sovereign - like he was invincible, then expected everyone else to do the same. She knew he was just making what he thought was the best decision when he chose to save the Council, but he sacrificed those marines for the sake of an ineffective, alien government. He may have thought those soldiers were just doing their duty, that because he was willing to do whatever it took, they should be too. But it wasn't cowardice to want to live another day, to not want to be thrown against near impossible odds without a plan. Not everyone had his damn good fortune.

It wasn't cowardice to take a step back and think it through.

_You just keep telling yourself that, Williams._

The soldier drew in a breath and took in the Citadel's ruined vista, trying to catch sight of somewhere that was still in business. It did feel good, at least, to get away from the rest of the team's prying eyes. Her absence from Shepard's side had apparently been noted, because they had all been watching her like she was about to do something terrible. _Like it's any of their business. _She knew it was a consequence of getting involved with a superior, but it was still damn annoying. It wasn't like she was some sort of sexual predator, and she had definitely not been banking on him confessing his love for her the minute she decided to risk acting impulsive.

Not that she regretted _that - _it was damn fantastic. And then, in that warm bubble in his cabin, she had been ready. It was so easy then to just forget that there was more to their puzzle. That there was so much more they had to consider before they could move forward. So there, she had promised him those words, because she _did_ love that Shepard. She loved Owen, the man who had held her, naked and honest and carefree, and more damn handsome than he had any right to be. But that wasn't always the man he was, and she didn't know how to deal with the one that kept trying to kill them both.

Ashley rounded a corner and came across a likely looking bar. It was buzzing with people of all different species, coming and going despite the Citadel's current state. _Oh, thank God. _ She was beginning to think that the geth had had it out for all of the station's finer establishments. The soldier ducked in, picking her way through the crowd and straight towards the bar. Her hands hit the rail and she flagged the asari behind it.

"Tequila."

She'd probably regret it like she always did, but hell, she was on shore leave. And now seemed like a damn good occasion. The asari nodded, grabbed a non-descript bottle, and poured. Ashley handed over her credits and slammed it back.

It was horrible.

"This is not tequila."

"Closest thing we've got, hon."

Ashley glared at her, but pushed her glass forward. "Give me another." A nod and a pour, and she took the glass and turned towards the room. It was packed, swimming with a frazzled bunch of Citadel citizens no doubt out to forget their homes had just been destroyed by a bunch of walking flashlights. She sipped, then spluttered, partly because of how truly horrible the crap was, but mostly because of who she saw.

Shepard's chiseled features were wearing their usual grimace as he spoke to some overdressed, over-groomed woman sitting across from him. Ashley slammed back her drink, her blood pounding in her ears as her eyes fell on the pair of them again. The woman let out a shrill, too loud giggle. _Seriously?_ She could feel her grip tighten around her glass. _One week, and he's out at a bar picking up some whore? _She slammed her glass down on the bar.

_Oh, hell no._

Her feet were moving before she could stop them, her eyes shooting daggers as she watched the woman lean forward towards him. Her hand reached out and brushed his.

"Get your hand off of him." Her voice was low and commanding, and the woman pulled back from her caress, startled. Ashley's popped her hip and she stood tall, looking down at the frail, skinny woman in front of her - she had no chance. "Who the hell are you?"

"Excuse me?" The whore had the audacity to sound both bewildered and disgusted, and Shepard choked on his drink just behind her. She heard him stand.

"Ash? What are you doing here?"

"Oh, shut it, Skipper. I'll deal with you later." She hissed over her shoulder, taking in the confusion in his eyes, before settling back on the whore. "I said, who the hell are you?"

The woman looked back at her, probably trying to gauge the situation, before something seemed to register with her. Her expression grew into something that resembled a fox sniffing out a particularly tasty bit of rabbit. Her eyes wandered up and down Ashley, seeming to record the details. "You're an Alliance marine?"

"Damn right I am." Ashley hissed back, meeting the woman's conniving eyes. _What is she up to?_

"Perhaps part of Shepard's crew? He mentioned how close you all are, but I think he understated it. This _does_ explain a lot. I guess he wasn't lying about being unattached."

The soldier blinked, her brow furrowing as she watched the woman's lips curl. "What are you talking about?"

"What the fuck are you up to, Khalisah?" Shepard's growling voice was at her back, and he took a step forward, green eyes fiery as he watched the olive-skinned woman.

"An Alliance marine, and part of Commander Shepard's team. You must be Gunnery Chief Ashley Williams!" The woman looked almost giddy, glancing between the two of them as if she'd just been let in on a secret. "Granddaughter of disgraced General Williams - the man behind the fall of Shanxi." She slid out of her seat and stood, licking her lips. The woman was predatory. "And now, fighting the disgrace by trying to sleep your way to the top with the Alliance's bad boy. You two make quite the pair."

Ashley watched as she did it, as her muscles tensed and her blood boiled, as her fist drew back and swung forward. The woman was on the ground in an instant, looking shocked, a hand coming up to cradle her reddening face. The bar hushed around them, and a moment passed before Khalisah regained her voice.

"I'll get you for that, bitch!" The whore hissed, glaring up at her.

Shepard stepped forward. He looked in awe, unsure what to do. Ashley rolled her eyes. "I'd like to see you try."

"You have no idea who you're dealing with!" The woman hissed, flicking her gaze between her and Shepard. "I am Khalisah Al-Jalani! This is going straight to Westerlund News. I hope you're ready for it to be broadcast all over the Citadel!"

That seemed to snap Shepard out of it. "Westerlund – you're a fucking _reporter_?!"

"Bingo, jackass." The woman struggled to her feet. Ashley noticed the several on-lookers looking disappointed and turning back to their drinks. "I hope you enjoy the special we're putting out on you. I'll make sure to include a lovely bit on your views of fraternization." Khalisah sneered, her hand still held firmly over her face, and she stomped out of the bar. Ashley closed her eyes and took a deep breath, considering exactly how deep she had dug herself in this time. When she opened them, she looked at Shepard, a hand running over his dark hair as he met her gaze.

"Well, fuck."


	40. Chapter 40

**Alright, everyone. Only a few chapters left before I move on to Mass Effect 2. I'll be splitting it into another book as I expect it to be just as long, if not longer, than this. Maybe. I'm still debating exactly how that's going to fold out. Anyway… As always, thank you so much for your support – knowing people are reading this and enjoying it is truly rewarding. Any comments, critique, or suggestions are more than welcome. I love hearing what you all think!**

**This chapter contains some explicit adult content. Read at your own discretion.**

**Enjoy! c:**

**xxxxxxxxxx**

Shepard walked silently beside her as they made their way back through the remains of the Wards. She wasn't meeting his gaze, instead simply looking ahead, silent and as stubborn as always. He couldn't take it - being so close to her but having her seem so far away – so he stopped, and she finally turned to look at him, her stance exuding irritation.

"You just punched a reporter." Words failed him, so he grasped at the most impressive topic he could, trying for lightness. It didn't work.

"Way to state the obvious, Skipper." Ashley rolled her eyes and turned from him, starting to walk again. "I didn't _know_ she was a reporter. And from the sound of things, you didn't either. So, apparently, your idea of a good time on shore leave is still chatting up some random whore." She spat out the last word, her pace speeding away from him.

"Wait, what? What the hell are you talking about?" Shepard stomped after her. She wasn't making any sense. He had hardly been flirting with the woman. His hand reached out to grab her wrist in an attempt to stop her, and she spun back towards him furiously.

"_What_?"

His face fell at the venom in her voice, and he let go. "I take it you're still not talking to me, then." Shepard grunted as her hand fell away. Ashley's face softened fractionally, but she still didn't quite meet his eyes.

"Jesus, Shepard. I wasn't not talking to you. I just needed…" She sighed, her voice exasperated. "I needed space, alright? To think. You're so damn overwhelming, I'm not like you. I don't just dive in – everything has been such a blur, so much has happened... I don't know if I'm ready for this." She made a vague gesture between the two of them.

"You seemed ready before Ilos." He knew by the fire that lit in her brandy eyes that those were the wrong words to say.

"That was _different_." She spat, spinning back away from him.

"How?" Shepard growled, moving back around her. She glared at him furiously as he blocked her way.

"We didn't know what would happen, Shepard. I wasn't thinking, you weren't thinking. Nothing else mattered. But now… There's so much more to think of. We can't just keep pretending it all doesn't matter."

He was the one that stepped back, his brows stitching together angrily. "We still don't know what's going to happen! Nothing's changed, except now, we might have a little more time before the next thing tries to shoot at us. I thought that was a fucking good thing!" Shepard shook his head, looking away from her. He couldn't do it, this halfway thing. He _needed_ her. And he didn't understand how, suddenly, things looked so different to her. "You don't have to make excuses. If you wanted it to be just a one shot thing, you could have told me. I'm sorry I inconvenienced you by fucking surviving." He looked back at her long enough to see the fury in her eyes and to catch a swift clap to the back of his head. _Fuck. Ouch._

"I can't believe you!" She hissed, deciding the blow to his head wasn't enough and shoving him. He stumbled back and frowned, catching the curious looks a couple of onlookers gave them. He decided to ignore them. "You have no idea. _Everything_ has changed for me – my life, my career. We kill a Spectre and a damn Reaper, and you act like it's just another day! We saved the galaxy, Shepard. And now, it sounds like the Reapers still plan on coming back to kick your stupid ass. That constitutes some recognition."

"I have – "

"No. Shut up. You almost got _killed._" Shepard's throat tightened, watching her eyes mist, hearing her voice strain. "You almost got killed, and you act like it was nothing. It wasn't nothing. It was _everything. _And I'm not ready because of that. Because I'm so damn scared that one of these times you're going to be an idiot and run off in some heroic fit and not come back. That you're going to make me love you and then go and get yourself killed."

"Ash…"

"No, I'm talking, asshole." Her brown eyes were watering as she looked up at him, but she still looked strong, she was still challenging him. Shepard stepped towards her again. "You said you would try to be more careful. You _never_ try. And I'm not stupid, Shepard. I know how this plays out. I've lost friends, too. Soldiers die. But the way you gamble with your life, it's like you don't even care. And I know I can't stand losing you, Owen. So maybe it's just better if I never have you." She watched him, frozen, as he moved closer.

His hand cupped her face and he searched her brown eyes. She glared back up at him. "Ash, you already do have me." He murmured, searching, trying to push past the anger in her eyes. There was so much about her he still didn't understand, so much he couldn't understand. He knew he should just let her go – it would be better, she would be happier. But he was selfish. He couldn't lose the tranquility she gave him, the few moments of happiness. "I love you, and I'm not leaving you. I came back, didn't I?"

"How could you? Tell me that, then almost die? They were so sure…" Her voice trailed off, but it had lost none of its heat. "They all thought you were dead. I wouldn't let them stop looking…."

"Stubborn as always." He acknowledged softly, and was awarded with another smack.

"It's not funny!" She reprimanded. "I was so damn scared. So scared we'd never find you. I don't want to do that again, Owen."

Shepard's thumb stroked over her cheek as he frowned. "You know I can't promise that, Ash. It's part of the job."

"Then I need you to promise me you won't send me away again."

Shepard pulled back, worried by the determination in her eyes. The only thing that mattered was keeping her safe, and that wasn't always at his side. He sighed. "Ash…"

"I mean it, Owen. If you want this, you don't get to just go down alone anymore. I won't let you leave me behind when I can help you fight." Her voice was hard, and her brown eyes were unwavering. "And if Garrus tries to pull me back again, I swear, I'll break both his legs. I'm not just some damsel in distress. I'm a goddamn marine, and I will fight to make sure my Commander makes it out. Promise me." She was staring him down, not backing down for anything. "Promise me you won't leave me behind when shit hits the fan."

Shepard stared back at her, his heart sinking to the pit of his stomach. "Ash, I can't – "

"You can, and you will, if you know what's good for you. You're too important, Shepard. Your little friend back there already pointed out just what people think of me." Disgust and shame laced her voice at the mention of Khalisah. He reached out again, but she swatted away his hand. "I'm a Williams, Shepard. I'm expendable. You're not. They believe in you, you bring them together. So you better believe I'm going to fight like hell to keep you alive." She shook her head in exasperation. "God knows you need someone to."

"I…" Shepard paused, watching the fire in her eyes, the challenge etched on her face. She wasn't going to put up with him anymore. She wasn't going to just give in this time. But how could he promise that? He knew she could handle herself, but to bring him with her? He knew better than anyone how much he attracted death. But maybe this time…

It was a dangerous, and really fucking stupid, thought. But he couldn't help it.

His hesitation didn't go unnoticed. "You can't, can you? You can't give me that. You say you love me, but you can't even promise me that - you can't even trust me to help you. Hell, you can't even trust me to know you!" She pushed him away again, turning to continue walking towards the docking bay.

"What are you talking about? You do know me. Better than anyone." He followed her instantly, rushing after her as she walked away. "Ash, talk to me." He grabbed for her wrist again, but she just pushed him back.

"I know nothing about you, Shepard!" Her hair fell from its bun as she whipped around towards him, framing her face and sticking to her lips as she yelled. "Everything I do know is just hearsay. Your life, your family… You close everything off. And I get it, I do. But you don't get to just hold everything back and expect me to walk in blind. Expect me to just let you say those things, to let you take everything from me, and walk away. I won't do it." She turned and kept walking. He could see the Normandy through the docking bay's windows, could see her walking towards the airlock. Walking away from him.

He couldn't lose her. He didn't give a shit if it was selfish anymore.

"Ashley!" She didn't look back at him as her hand hit the door control, and she stepped into the airlock. The Normandy VI's voice droned about decontamination. "Damn it, Ash. Fine. What do you want to know?" The door slid shut behind him. She couldn't get away now, at least not while the sequence went on, and she turned back towards him, her eyes still blazing and ready for a fight. "You want to know about my life? It's been shit, Ash, but I'll lay it out for you if you need. My family? Whatever family I had, I left to die on Mindoir. But you want to know about them? Fine." He felt the bile eat at his throat, and he tried to swallow it down. Tried to focus on her and the way her lips parted slowly, the way her eyes momentarily softened. "What can I reveal to you that will make you feel better? Because I do want you to know me. I do want you to be there. I can't do this without you, Ash."

"Then stop trying to!" Her voice was too loud, too strained for the enclosed space. He caught her hand as she tried to push him back again. "Let me be there. Stop sending me away, stop hiding everything. Stop trying to destroy yourself. It's not just you anymore, Owen, I…" She stopped, her words dying down as she looked away. She tried to tug her hand away from him, but he didn't let go. He wrapped an arm around her, unwilling to let her go again. He felt her collapse against him. "Damn it. If something happened to you… It would ruin me. You don't get to keep pretending you're all alone, not now."

"If you get hurt…" Shepard murmured, pulling her tighter against him as if to ward off some invisible enemy. She shook her head.

"Then watch my back, just like I'll watch yours. That's the only way this is going down."

He was silent for a moment, considering the ultimatum. It was infuriating, but he knew it wasn't a fight he could win. It was either lose her, and probably have her be in danger anyways with the imminent Reaper threat, or have her, constantly under fire – but at his side. Where he needed her. Shepard sighed, his fingers combing through his hair. Her hand reached up and joined them, and the touch lulled him, sending shivers down his spine. "Fine." He grumbled, effectively pacified. "You win. I won't send you away, Ash. But that doesn't mean I'm going to stop trying to protect you."

"I'm not a girl that needs protecting, Skipper. You should know that by now." Her hand traced over his scalp and down his neck, and he couldn't take it. He leaned forward and pulled her flush against him, never seeming to be able to get close enough, and he parted her lips with his own. Relief flooded through him as she didn't push him back, as he felt her hands wrap around his neck. He melted into her, letting the heat building between them push away any of the doubts. They might have some shit to work on, but for now, he focused on reacquainting himself with the feel of her against him. His hands committed to memory the feel of the lean plane of her back, travelling down to that toned, tight –

She pulled away suddenly, leaving him wanting, and he groaned in protest. Ashley just rolled her eyes. "You're not distracting me that easily, Skipper. We're not done."

"Decontamination is complete." _Fucking fuck._

He gaped back at her. "What? What else is there?" The door to the airlock swung open, announcing his return, and Ashley stepped through it.

"You guys do realize there's a camera in there, right?" Shepard frowned, walking out of the airlock and shooting Joker a glare. The pilot simply grinned back at him. "So, I take it we've got our power couple back?"

"I will hurt you, Joker." Ashley shot the pilot a venomous glare, then spun on her heel and headed straight for the lower decks. The commander sighed, his hand running through his hair again.

"Or not. What did you do now?"

"I didn't… Fuck, who knows." Shepard growled, heading back across the CIC after her.

"Well, good luck with that!"

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She was fuming.

Ashley thrummed her fingers against the rail in the elevator as she waited for the damn thing to open. She didn't really know what she was still so mad about, if she was being totally honest with herself. But something about him, about what he was doing to her, was infuriating. He thought everything would just instantly be okay, that he could just kiss her, and she'd forget, that she'd just let him get away with it. And damn, it had been close.

But she wasn't this girl. She wasn't stupid enough to fall for a military man – she knew how that always ended, what it was like for the families back home. It was stupid. Especially stupid because he was her Commander. Alliance brass might not have said anything yet - maybe they didn't know - but they would once that whore ran her story. Then what? She couldn't lose the Alliance. She had worked so damn hard to get to where she was, had put up with so much shit to get past her name. She was a marine - nothing more, nothing less - and she was damn proud. But Shepard… He was changing her. Changing everything. Saying he loved her, saying he'd be there, promising she'd always be with him. Promising he wouldn't get hurt.

_Who does that?_

She knew it was what she wanted from him, what she asked of him, but it just wasn't what you did. Not when so many things could tear you apart. So why the hell had she pushed him to promise it? She would have never done that before, would have never begged a man to promise her like that. She still had no idea how this could even work. What if she was reassigned? She wasn't about to watch for his ship to come back like she had with her Dad. She wasn't going to sit there and hope for maybe a week at a time with him, when their shore leave would align. She couldn't just give in – not when he was still holding so much back. She barely knew the man, and she was letting him take it all away.

But letting him go, seeing him with someone else... Ashley grimaced. That wasn't an option, either. She'd probably end up punching out those tarts, too. So she was at this maddening impasse, stuck between what she wanted and what was practical, unable to find who the hell she was now that he had changed everything.

_Stupid, Williams. Really damn stupid._

"Oh, hey, Ashley!" Tali's bright voice greeted her as the elevator door finally opened. "We were just going to go find some food on the station, if you want to – " The quarian stopped herself, seeming to take in the soldier's expression for the first time. Garrus' mandibles fluttered nervously beside her. "Is everything alright?"

"It's fine." She said, her words a little too short. Tali and Garrus exchanged a look.

"Are you sure? You look… upset." Tali murmured, walking with her to her station. Ashley sighed, exasperated, and lifted her hands to work her hair out of the knot on her head. "You can talk to me, you know. Is it about Shepard? Did you talk to him finally?"

"God, are all of you talking about us?" The soldier glowered back at the two aliens. Tali twisted her hands nervously, but Garrus just shrugged.

"Not much else to talk about." The turian offered plainly, before noticing Tali's hands on her hips as she glared at him disapprovingly. "I'll just go ahead and wait on deck."

"So there still is an 'us'?" Tali's voice was eager again as he disappeared into the elevator. Ashley pinched the bridge of her nose.

"Yeah. I mean, I don't know. It's complicated." She muttered, leaning back against her worktable. The quarian blinked at her behind her mask, watching the soldier with those glowing, silvery eyes.

"But you still want to be with him?"

"It's not that simple."

"Why not?" Tali's head cocked to the side curiously, and she crossed her arms, waiting for an answer. _God, she's so much like Sarah. _"He's obviously crazy about you. Everybody knows that."

"It's just not." Ashley combed her fingers through her tangled hair, frowning as it reminded her of running them through Shepard's in the airlock. The memory sent electricity through her, and she had to shake herself out of it. He was so damn distracting. "There's more we have to think of. The Alliance, the Reapers…"

Tali shook her head. "But you love him, don't you? That's all that matters."

Ashley blanched, swinging her head towards the quarian. "What? I… No. What?"

"It's obvious. I've never seen you act like you did when we were in the Council chamber. You wouldn't give up. Keelah, it was so sad, so romantic…" Tali's warbling voice turned slightly wistful, and she sighed before continuing. "What is different now? He's alive. You got him back. It's like a romance vid ending. So what has changed?"

The soldier frowned, glancing across the hangar, at the empty space where the Mako once stood. She didn't want to admit how scared she was of him getting hurt again, even of how much she hated that he was changing her. Because it was stupid, and she knew her voice would lack conviction if she said it out loud. "I don't know. I guess I just don't see us having a happily ever after."

"So it isn't worth trying?" Ashley looked down in shock at the tiny quarian's words. When had she become so insightful? "You two are meant to be together. We all think it. You are both so happy – at least, when you're not mad at him." Tali's voice became a little devious, and Ashley glared at her. "Whatever the risks are, I think it will be worth it. Especially with a body like his."

The soldier couldn't suppress the shocked laugh that erupted from her. "Tali!"

"What? Even _I_ think he looks good, and I'm not even human." Tali looked up dreamily and Ashley snorted, shaking her head. "Keelah, _totally_ worth it."

As if on cue, the elevator door slid open again, and a very flustered, very agitated Shepard stepped out. Bright green eyes found her immediately, looking hurt, and angry. And hungry. Ashley felt her blood race. She had to give him one thing – he didn't give up easily. Her eyes wandered over his muscular frame as he strode towards her purposefully. Tali cleared her throat and Ashley caught the gloating expression behind her mask. The soldier rolled her eyes, but couldn't stop the small grin that stole onto her lips.

"Hello, Shepard." Tali greeted brightly. Shepard grunted some dull response, his eyes leaving Ashley's for just a moment. "I was just leaving. We're all going for food. You two are welcome to join us if you want!" The quarian was already heading speedily for the elevator. She offered Ashley a wink as she boarded the lift, then waved. "See you later!"

The elevator door closed again, but Ashley didn't let her eyes leave it. Shepard was watching her, standing just behind her. But she wouldn't face him. Instead, she took in a deep breath, trying to remember everything that was wrong with them, every reason they couldn't be together. It was so hard, when she could feel those piercing eyes on her.

"Ashley." She shivered as his hand reached out, brushing her hair off of one shoulder, away from her face. "Look at me. Please."

She couldn't focus with his hand lingering, trailing its way down her neck. It was so hard to stay mad when she heard him step closer, when she could feel the warm of his breath on the nape of her neck.

"I'm still mad at you." She muttered, but her words lost their heat as she felt his lips on her neck, teasing and kissing and demanding her attention.

"Then stop running and talk to me, Ash." His voice was low against her skin, taking on that deep, smooth quality that drove her to the edge. _Damn it, Williams. Focus. _

"Did you mean it?"

"Mean what?" Shepard's arms wrapped around her waist. Her head lolled to the side and she gasped as he began nibbling at her ear.

"What you said. About not leaving me behind." His hold around her tightened, holding her closer, like he always did. Like he thought she was going to disappear.

"I don't like you being in danger, but I won't leave you behind. I want you with me, Ash. You know that. Everything I said, I meant." He murmured against her hair, breathing her in. They were silent a moment, and she just leaned back against him, relishing in the support. "What's wrong? What aren't you telling me?"

"I just… I don't get how you can just say stuff like that."

"You asked me to." He muttered lamely, interrupting her. She elbowed him in the gut. She could feel his smirk against her neck.

"I know, smartass. I mean… I did want you to, but how is it so easy for you? To just say everything, not worry about the consequences. Not care about how hard it's going to be for us."

The skin on her neck felt cold as he pulled away. "I don't know. I guess… It's just easier for me to see the advantages of living in the moment, you know? I've never really thought much about the future, never thought I'd have anything worthwhile in mine until recently, so I figure, with the shit I get into, what's the point in holding back the good stuff?" His hand trailed over her stomach. "Doc says I'm just impulsive, though, so who the fuck knows. But I do know that no matter how hard it's going to be, it'll be easier for me with you here than if we were apart. That's why I can promise I won't leave you behind - consequences be damned. I can't lose you, Ash."

_Oh, hell_.

None of it seemed to matter anymore, because despite everything, he was right. No matter the repercussions, these few months being with him, getting to know him… _Jesus, Williams. Just admit it - loving _him, they had been the best of her life. He might be infuriating, but she couldn't imagine the pain of losing him. Of not being able to follow him on his rampage across the galaxy, or of not being able to be at his side when he stumbled. He was the first Commander that believed in her, the first man that truly loved her. It didn't matter that he'd changed her, because for the most part it had been for the better. He brought out the best in her – her strength, her pride. He made her feel beautiful, and wanted, and loved. And…

The soldier gasped as Shepard's hand trailed lower, gliding just above the hem of her pants. "We could still get into some pretty deep shit with command, you know." He trailed kisses down to the bit of her collarbone that peeked through her casuals. Ashley sighed. "It's not like we're being subtle."

"We'll be fine. Anderson already said it, they've got bigger things to worry about." He growled dismissively.

"Anderson knows?" Shepard grunted an affirmation, obviously not keen on talking about the old captain at this particular moment, but Ashley shook her head. "Jesus. Seriously, does he know everything?"

Shepard chuckled. It was light, such a contrast to his usual gloomy demeanor, and she basked in the sound. "Pretty much. He likes you, though. I think he figures you're doing me some good."

"He's right there." She laughed, and Shepard grinned against her. "What is it with you and him, anyway? I've never seen that kind of relationship between a Captain and his subordinates before."

"Really? I've seen some that have gotten a lot friendlier." As if to prove a point, his hand traveled downwards again, dragging against her thigh. She shut her eyes, inhaling a deep breath and trying to push past the heat growing between her legs.

"God, you're impossible sometimes. Seriously. I know you've known him a while, but how are you two so close?"

She felt his exhale of breath as he sighed, his hand stopping its exploration. "I don't know. I guess he's just always been there, after everything. He…" Ashley frowned at his vague explanation, at the way he his voice trailed off. He was shutting down, putting up that damn barrier he always did when she asked about his past. She could feel him start to pull away, could feel his weight leave her back, and she held on to him. Her hand grasped his arm, keeping it around her. She needed to know, needed to understand him. "He's the one that found me." He muttered finally, reluctantly.

"Found you?"

Shepard was silent at her back. She could feel the tension in his muscles, could feel his fingers clench and hold on to her. She ran her hand over his.

"On Mindoir." He growled, his voice hushed, laced with hate, and hurt, and disgust. "It was his squad that responded to my colony's distress beacon. They were too late. Everyone else…" She held on to him tighter, feeling the tremor that quaked through his core. "You know what slavers do." She did, and her heart sank knowing he had gone through it. That he had somehow survived it. "I got away, the fucking monsters were distracted and disorganized by the Alliance soldiers, so they were trying to load everyone up in a hurry. I managed to get one of their guns."

Shepard's words were distant now, disconnected, like he was talking about the weather. Like he was forcing himself not to feel it. It was chilling. "Anderson found me hiding out in someone's home, like an idiot. I had barricaded the door. Because, you know, that would have really fucking helped. He knocked it down, so I shot at him." Ashley's brows shot up in surprise. He seemed to sense it, and he chuckled a little darkly. "I didn't hit him. I was a shit marksman back then – don't tell Garrus." She kept holding him around her, her fingers stroking his. "He talked me out of my hole and brought me back with him. I don't know why he didn't just hand me over to some foster place. I was too old, I guess. But I was angry, and fucked up, and I hated everyone, and he took me in. Convinced me to join up, put in a good word for me. Hell if I know why." Shepard sighed, then breathed her in again, burying his face in her hair. "He saved me, he put up with my shit. Fuck, I guess he still does. I owe that man everything."

"He's the only one that believed me, you know. That you were still alive." Ashley felt him still behind her.

"Yeah… sounds like him. He always has had too much faith in me."

"Oh, shut up." She elbowed his stomach again, and he grunted, coughing in surprise. "Thank you. For telling me." She whispered, and he made a small sound in acknowledgement. He was silent for a moment, simply breathing against her, before he spoke.

"You know, you're a little abusive." He teased, and she could hear the warmth seeping back into his voice. She leaned back again, welcoming his return.

"Hardly. But someone needs to put you in your place every once in a while."

"Oh? Those are some pretty threatening words, Chief." He pulled her close again, his voice becoming a low, maddening growl. His hand travelled down, around her hips, and he copped a feel in retaliation.

"Feeling handsy today, Skipper?" Ashley smirked.

"Can you blame me? A man can only take so much." He nipped at her ear again and she whimpered as it sent a ripple down her body. His hands grasped her hips, pulling her back against him. "You know…" He murmured, his breath heavy against her. Her knees felt weak. "Most of the crew has gone ashore. And with Tali and Garrus out…" She felt his fingers dip just below her waistband, teasing, goading her on.

She was done with this distance bullshit.

She spun around and pulled him down to her, wrapping herself around him, tangling her fingers in his hair. He claimed her mouth desperately, obviously sick of waiting, sick of talking. He was leading her back, his hands tugging at her shirt as they went, his mouth only leaving hers to lavish her neck, her chest, her shoulders. She felt the backs of her thighs push up against her station. She smirked as she caught his intention.

Then prayed that the Normandy's surveillance didn't monitor the hold.

Ashley grasped his shirt and tugged it up, and Shepard reluctantly pulled himself away from her, throwing it to the floor. Her eyes danced appreciatively over his chiseled body, built and defined in a way that only a life of service could make. He smirked, catching her gaze, then leaned back over her, his hips pinning her against the table. His hands found the clasp of her bra and he skillfully removed it – making her wonder for a moment just how many times he had done it, but any thoughts in her mind were lost as his head dipped down and his teeth tugged her nipple to a point.

She gasped, her nails digging into his shoulder as the mix of pain and pleasure coursed through her body, heating her blood. Why the hell had she avoided this so long? Shepard continued his worship of her breasts, moving from one bud to the other, as his hand slowing moved down, tracing the midline of her abs, over her belly button, and further. Until it reached the hem of her pants, undid the clasp, and dipped in.

Ashley moaned, unable to help the way her hips bucked against him as his fingers teased. Her eyes closed and his mouth was on hers again, his hips still holding her against her worktable. She was on fire, and she needed more. She fumbled with the front of his pants and he grinned against her lips, then pulled away to assist her. He pulled first at the hem of her pants, and she stepped out of them quickly while he did the same. She knew stripping down in the cargo bay wasn't the best idea she'd ever had, but it wasn't in her mind to care. He leaned back over her and she wrapped her arms around his neck, pressing herself against him, and he groaned, his lips parting hers, his tongue darting greedily into her mouth.

Apparently as eager as she was, his hands came to the back of her thighs and he lifted her one quick motion, propping her on the table. She could feel him, waiting, asking, and her breath hitched in anticipation. He pulled back, his green eyes hooded as he searched hers. Ashley wrapped her legs around him, pulling him forward, and it was all the invitation he needed. A feral sound ripped through him as he plunged forward and she cried out to join him, losing herself in the feeling, the friction, the exquisite fullness. He rocked against her, their bodies meeting slowly at first, before the tempo became more hurried, more desperate. He rolled into her, grinding just the right spot and eliciting moans and gasps she couldn't hope to control. She felt the knot building deep in her belly, the pressure weighting down as his fingers tangled into her hair and pulled her head back, freeing more room for him to taste her, to lavish her with a reverence she hadn't felt before him.

It pushed her closer, and her legs tightened around him, her nails digging into his back. Shepard groaned, and she was gasping for breath, the heat becoming too much, the pressure building, pushing, breaking her, until she came undone. She gasped and cried, a slew of unintelligible words leaving her as she tremored around him. He kept moving, groaning and tightening his grip, making her moan as waves of pleasure continued to lap at her. She pulled him down and kissed him, deeply and passionately, her fingers grazing his scalp, her legs holding her to him as his hips began to jerk more irregularly.

Shepard ground out her name, and the sound was a plea, pained and awed at the same time. His arms held her tighter as his hips snapped a final time, and he stilled, his mouth leaving hers as he snarled his release. He collapsed, panting, on top of her. His hands came to cradle her head, his forehead pressed to hers. She looked up at him, the heat and lust fading from his green eyes, wavering into something nearer to devotion. Her belly clenched as it took her breath away.

They stayed there for a minute or two, echoing each other's breaths, until the openness of their surroundings demanded too much attention.

"So, Skipper. Sex in inappropriate places – one of the perks of being a Spectre?"

He chuckled, standing and stepping away. "Somehow, I doubt the Council would approve." The commander turned to grab their discarded clothing. She let out a whistle, grinning like a schoolgirl.

"That ass, though." She murmured appreciatively. "How do they expect us to resist?"

Shepard laughed, and tossed her clothes at her, tugging on his own. "Come on. Let's grab some food – I'll even take you somewhere nice."

She took in the boyish grin he had on his face, the joy so seldom seen. It tore away any final shred of resolve. "Hey, Owen…" Ashley's smile faded a little, becoming softer. Shepard glanced at her, arching his brow, still grinning like an idiot. _Yeah, Williams. You got it bad._  
"I do love you, you know."

He forgot the need for his boots as his lips found hers again.


	41. Chapter 41

"Commander."

"Admiral?"

"There was a breach on Luna Base." As usual, Hackett skipped the pleasantries. Shepard appreciated the old soldier's ability to jump right to the meat of their exchanges. "After you cleared it out, some of my men went back to recover what they could of the station's intel. The systems were already wiped."

Shepard sighed, a hand coming up to run through his hair. "Yeah. We were just there." He growled, shaking his head. "After that damn VI killed everything, I really doubt there was anything left worth taking."

"We believe that it was that VI they were after."

"What? Why? All that was left of that thing was a bunch of disrupted code." Shepard's brow furrowed. _Why the fuck would anyone want a damaged, murderous VI? _"Who did it?"

"We don't know their intentions, but it's safe to guess they wish to turn it against us." Hackett's voice was its usual gravelly drawl. "Commander, I'm telling you this because we believe it was Cerberus. If you have time -"

"I do." Shepard growled, clenching the rail in front of him as he stared up at the admiral.

Hackett nodded. "Good. We need someone to follow them. With our forces stretched so thin after the Battle at the Citadel, I can't spare the men. I'll send you the coordinates of the last solid signal we were able to get off their ship." The admiral paused, his thick brows coming down seriously as he looked over the Spectre. "It's a long shot, but it's all we have. Get it done, Shepard."

"Yes, sir." Shepard gave a salute and Hackett shut down the link without another word. _Finally._ He had been waiting for the bastards to do something, to show themselves again. It had been weeks of nothing but geth and goodbyes, watching his team disassemble itself and move on. The mindless drops they were doing to clean up the smatterings of geth weren't enough to keep his thoughts occupied, and watching them all go was harder than he liked to admit. Garrus had been the last to leave, taking off shortly after they dropped Tali with the Migrant fleet, and Shepard had watched him go with a knot in his stomach. The turian was easy company, unassuming, never demanding anything. With him gone, he lost a friend, a trusted confidant, and he felt the tension start to build again.

Ash didn't approve of him going after Cerberus – she thought they should stick to the geth, stick to helping out the Alliance with missions like the one on Luna Base, until they got something more concrete on the Reapers. But he couldn't just let it go – not after Akuze, not after Toombs. She didn't understand, but at least she was there. At least she was with him. Despite everyone leaving, despite his frustrations with the bullshit assignments he was receiving from the Council and the Alliance using him as an errand boy, he had her. And he had no idea what he had done to deserve her.

A frown formed a familiar curve on his lips as he pushed back from the comm panel and strode back into the CIC. She wasn't going to be happy about this. About running off after Cerberus again, about delaying their leave. She had taken it upon herself to demand they land somewhere so he could get some rest. Ashley had started bunking with him - a necessity after Joker's threats of broadcasting their antics if they 'defiled his baby' again. But when he had woken with those brown eyes watching him, filled with worry and something too close to pity, he knew he couldn't risk sleep. Sovereign's taunts had begun to lace themselves into his dreams, and the nightmares had become so warped, so full of fear, and anger, and loss, that he instead just laid there, his arms wrapped around her until she drifted off.

She would wake to find him pouring over information on the Reapers, on Cerberus, and then yell at him for obsessing. When the dark circles made their reappearance around his eyes, she didn't back down until he agreed they would take some time off. _Stubborn woman._ Shepard sighed, a hand running through his hair, then turned down the stairwell. At least she couldn't argue with a direct request from Hackett. The commander held two fingers to his ear.

"Joker, we're changing course. Coordinates should be arriving soon."

"Got 'em." The pilot mumbled, then snorted. "Good luck with that conversation."

Shepard rolled his eyes, emerging from the door just in time to see Ash step out of the elevator.

"Hey, Skipper." Her lips curved up, and he couldn't help the smile that stole its way onto his. No matter what, she always managed to make things feel lighter. They argued over almost everything and she called him an asshole pretty much daily, but he was desperately, hopelessly in love with her, and she always came back. His eyes wandered over her, from those brandy colored eyes to the way her pants clung to her hips, and he sighed. He wasn't looking forward to souring her mood. "We almost there?"

At least she had some creative ways of taking out her anger on him.

"Plans changed." The Spectre murmured, meeting her gaze once more.

Ashley's brow furrowed, a hand coming to her hip. "Oh? How's that?"

"Hackett called." Shepard's hand rubbed the back of his neck. He purposefully led with the admiral's name, hoping to diffuse her early. "They think they found a lead on Cerberus. He asked me to investigate."

Ash's eyes sparked at the mention of the terrorist group. _Shit. _Apparently, invoking Hackett's name hadn't been enough.

"Oh, come on, Shepard." She rolled her eyes and walked off towards the mess, throwing her hands up in frustration. "Did he ask or did you volunteer?"

"Ash…" Her name came out as an exasperated sigh.

"No, Owen. I know you. I'm sure you jumped on this the minute he mentioned it." She didn't look at him, just ranted as she dug through the food stores. "Hell, you probably asked him to contact you about anything involving them. Why he's catering to your whims, I have no clue. You need to let it go. I'm sure he's got plenty of other able bodies to track Cerberus down."

"I couldn't damn well refuse him." Shepard growled, leaning against the counter to try to catch her eyes again. "Yeah, I want to do this. But that doesn't change that he asked _me_. He doesn't have plenty of bodies - their stretched thin, Ash."

"Yeah, I wonder why that is."

Her words were like a punch to the gut. He knew she had never gotten past him sacrificing those soldiers to save the Council. Fuck, he hadn't gotten past it. It was a decision he couldn't be sure was the right one, not until the Reapers were back and the Council proved their worth. Having her throw it in his face like that… He pushed himself from the counter, intent on withdrawing to his cabin, but was held back by a hand on his arm.

"Crap, I'm sorry." Ashley said quickly, pulling him back towards her. A hand stroked over the stubble on his jaw as she tried to get him to face her. "I didn't… God, I'm such a bitch sometimes."

"No. You're right." He muttered, avoiding her gaze. "It is my fault."

"Jesus, Shepard. Stop it." Her touch was more forceful as she made him turn towards her, both hands coming to the sides of his neck. Her brown eyes looked over him worriedly. "You were forced to make a difficult call, and you did what you thought was best. I might not have agreed with you at the time, but I respect your decision. You didn't sacrifice them needlessly. The Council lived, we got Sovereign, and now we have more allies for when those big bastards roll through. I get it. It was the right call." Shepard frowned at her doubtfully. "I didn't mean… I'm just upset. You know how I feel about you and Cerberus, and you need to take a break, Shepard. You're running yourself ragged."

"I'm fine, Ash." He sighed as her brows stitched together, obviously not believing him. "Really."

"You're not sleeping, Owen. At all. Don't think I haven't noticed." Her fingers stroked down his neck fretfully, her brown eyes searching his. "Any time you finally do pass out, you thrash around like you're running from something. You need some time away from it all."

"Ash…" He didn't know how to tell her that there wasn't a way for him to get away from _that_. The dreams didn't leave, they didn't stop just because he was a little tired. They were as much a part of him as the scars that decorated his body.

"Mom and Lynn already said they'd meet us, too. Lynn doesn't have that much time off from school." Ashley frowned at the mention of her family. "They want to meet you, Shepard. I want them to meet you."

He felt guilt flood his veins. The commander had been reluctant to agree to it – he had never really considered himself family-friendly – but he knew how important they were to her. How much it meant for her to introduce him. It was a huge step, crossing some invisible boundary to the next part of their lives, and he had no idea how to take it. He'd never made it this far in a relationship. Hell, he'd hardly had anything he could call a relationship as an adult, so this… "I know, I'm sorry…" He murmured lamely, his hand coming up to grasp hers. "We will go, Ash. We just need to do this first. It shouldn't take long, we've already got a lead on their location. We'll just take out this team, find the location of their main base, and go from there." He knew he wasn't convincing anyone when she huffed and pulled away.

"It doesn't have to be you, Shepard." Ashley's voice was unusually calm, her eyes losing some of their fire. She knew it was a lost cause.

"It does. I'm sorry, Ash, but we have to go." He took the few steps back towards her, his arms wrapping around her waist. She frowned up at him. "I promise, as soon as we're done, we'll get some leave. Hell, we'll go to Earth if we have to. I _do_ want to meet them." He placed a tentative, apologetic kiss on her lips. "Hey, maybe we'll have time to do some travelling. Go to the beach, catch some sun." He smirked. "I know I'd love to see you in a bikini."

"God, you're such a perv sometimes." She slapped his arm playfully, letting out a laugh despite herself. Her grimace faded, brown eyes dancing again. Shepard smiled with her, leaning down to capture her lips more fully, kissing her languidly, their tongues meeting in a slow, breathtaking dance. She pulled away with a gasp, shaking her head with a wry smile. "Now, if you're done harassing me, I'd like to make myself something to eat."

"I thought you promised you weren't going to cook?" Shepard snorted and was rewarded with another slap to his arm as she pushed him away. He grinned back at her.

"I am not that bad."

"Commander, we've got a situation up here."

Shepard and Ashley both paused, glancing up towards the intercom as Joker's voice filled the room. The commander's brow furrowed and he glanced back to her.

"I'll be right back." He turned towards to walk back towards the stairwell as she nodded. He moved quickly, taking the stairs two at a time and walking across the CIC in long strides. Neither Joker nor Pressly acknowledged his approach, worrying themselves with the ship's monitors.

"My money's on slavers. This system is crawling with them."

"No, it doesn't match any known signatures. They wouldn't have access to that kind of tech." Joker murmured back to the XO. Shepard frowned, walking up behind him.

"Status?"

"Unidentified vessel on the long range scanner. A cruiser." The pilot glanced at him briefly. "We're not sure – "

"It's changing course." Shepard glanced to an ensign as she interrupted Joker. "Now on intercept trajectory."

"That's not possible. Stealth systems are engaged. There's no way they would be able to detect us from this – "

Something sunk in Shepard's stomach as he watched Joker's eyes widen. The atmosphere seemed to shift, and his hand clenched to the pilot's seat. _Fuck._

"Brace for evasive maneuvers!"

It only took seconds for his world to catch fire.

"Shit, Pressly!" The navigator lay lifeless on the floor, the front of his body torn apart by the explosion. _Oh, fuck._ "Joker, how is she?"

"Multiple hull breaches. Weapons offline."

_Fuck no._

The commander tried the comm, slamming his hand down on the keys to alert the crew. He snarled in frustration as the monitor didn't respond.

"Systems are going down." There was pain in the pilot's voice, so foreign and so real it made his chest tighten.

_No, no, no._

"I'm going to evacuate the crew. Be ready to go when I get back."

Joker didn't answer, and Shepard didn't bother waiting for him to. The CIC was in flames, the Normandy's emergency drives beginning to kick in to put up barriers over the holes the enemy ship was carving into the hull. Shepard stumbled forward as the ship was rocked again. A crewman shouted in panic.

"All crew to life pods! Evacuate now!"

He ran, stepping over strewn bodies of his crew. _Who the fuck is doing this? How is this happening?_ He bolted down the stairs, yelling again for evacuation.

_Where the fuck is she?_

"Shepard!"

The sound of her voice filled him with temporary relief. The survivors scrambled towards exits, frenzied and afraid, and he pushed past them to her. The soldier had already had the sense to suit up, and she tossed him pieces of his own armor from his locker as he got near.

"Who's left in the hold?"

"It's clear – Adams and the others came up with me when the first shot hit. They're getting to pods now." Shepard nodded, strapping himself into his gear faster than he ever remembered doing before. He turned back to look at her, and her eyes met his ferociously. "Who the hell is it?"

"We don't know. Unidentified vessel." His voice matched her fury, low and rasping. The Normandy shook with another blast, and his chest felt like it would collapse in on itself. Smoke was beginning to fill the room. His breathing sped as the tremors brought forward a slew of memories, as the fire and smoke reminded him of his losses, his failures. It was happening all over – everything was collapsing around him. He was losing his ship. His home. Again.

But he wouldn't lose her.

"Ash, you need to get out of here."

"You have got to be kidding me." She glared back at him furiously, setting her stance. "You are _not_ leaving me behind."

"I'm not. I just have to grab Joker, and I'll be right behind you."

She swatted away his hand as he reached out to her. "You promised me."

Another explosion rocked the ship, sending her stumbling towards him. He pulled her up, his throat tight. "Please, Ashley. I need you on that pod." It was a plea, desperate and panicked as he tried to push past stubborn challenge that was ever-present in her eyes. _Fuck. Please, just listen to me. Just this once._

"Owen – "

Shepard shook his head, stopping her argument and stepping back. "I need you to evacuate. Now." He steeled his voice, holding up a hand as she opened her mouth to protest. "That's an order, Chief."

The look she gave him was deadly. "I'm kicking your ass when we get through this."

"Looking forward to it, Ash." He managed a small smirk, then tore himself away as she stepped back towards the pods. He ran back through smoke, pulling on his helmet as he dodged another explosion. His breath left him as he reached the CIC and was greeted by the weightlessness of space. The ship, _his_ ship, had been torn apart.

His eyes found Joker still sealed in the cockpit by a barrier than kept him safe from the void. Shepard stepped forward, mag boots holding him down, and he pushed his way past the suspended debris. His heart thrummed in his ears, loud and thundering in the total silence of space.

The commander walked through the barrier, and the chaos returned. "Joker, come on, we need to go!"

The pilot was silent, hands still swiping over his controls. He made no move to get up.

"Joker!"

"I'm not leaving." Joker's voice was low, his face set with fierce determination.

"You have got to be shitting me. Joker, we have to get out of here. The Normandy is lost."

"No! I can still save her!" They were rocked by another tremor that protested the pilot's claim. His monitors sparked and flashed in disarray. "Just go, I've got this!"

_No way is this fucker throwing his life away._

"Oh, fuck that. You've pulled my ass out of fire too many times for me to leave you here." He sighed, shaking his head. "She's gone, Joker." Shepard pushed himself around the pilot's seat to stand in front of his controls. "Going down with the ship won't change that."

Joker's hands stopped their work and his eyes fell. "Yeah…" He sighed, his body slumping in defeat. "Yeah, okay. Help me up." He began to struggle to his feet when his monitors blared out another warning. "They're coming around for another attack!"

"_Fuck._" Shepard grasped the pilot's arm roughly as another blast shot through the Normandy's hull. A blaze of orange erupted only a few feet from them, causing the barrier to begin to waver.

"Ah! Watch the arm!" Joker hissed in pain as he was dragged out of his seat and towards the final evac shuttle. Shepard slammed a hand against the control and the door swung open. He tossed the pilot in.

Another blast came, and the Normandy was split in two.

Weightlessness embraced him as he floated back, watching Joker's eyes widen in panic as explosions rocked what remained of the ship.

"_Shepard!_"

The pilot's scream sounded distant, as if he were a mile away instead of only a few feet. And he might as well have been, as a streak of light flashed between them, burning through the ship's debris and cutting off his path to the shuttle. Shepard felt his pulse slow as he floated back, as his mind wrapped itself around what was happening. The reality of it drained him. He held Joker's gaze as he pulled himself towards the pod release. His hand came down on the control.

The pilot's mouth moved again but his voice was engulfed by silence. The door slammed shut, the pod launched, and he was blasted back. The emptiness of space greeted him.

He was completely, overwhelmingly alone.

_**You cannot win.**_

The void's deafening roar washed over him as his suit's alarms began to sound. The pressure was building.

_I'm so sorry._

His instinct was to fight it, to survive, but he knew there was no point. Tubes burst and the air began to leave him. He gasped for breath.

_I'm so, so sorry._

His vision was darkening as his thoughts centered on warm brandy eyes, on long, dark hair and a lilting, teasing laugh. It wasn't enough.

_Oh, God. I'm sorry._

His lungs were on fire when the stars finally disappeared, and all he could see was her, and all he could feel was regret. It was too soon.

_I love you. Oh, fuck, I love you._

He was empty.


	42. Chapter 42

"_Alright, cats or dogs?"_

_Shepard arched a brow at her, pausing before taking another bite of his food. "We live on a frigate."_

"_I realize that, smartass." Ashley rolled her eyes and levelled him with a glare. "If we didn't. Pick one." She smirked as he held up his hands in surrender. _

"_Fine. Dogs, I guess."_

"_Really?" She laughed a little, shaking her head._

"_What?"_

"_You just seem like a cat person." She gave a shrug. "You know, quiet, loner, asshole type. Like a cat."_

_His laugh was low and hearty as he threw his head back, his face stretching in that rugged, gorgeous smile he seemed to save only for her. "Damn, Ash. You really know how to charm a guy."_

It was amazing how much it physically hurt.

Her stomach clenched and turned. Blood filled her mouth as she bit down on her lip to keep herself from screaming again. She just kept moving her hands over the rifle. Disassemble. Catalogue. Clean. Repeat. She didn't bother looking up when the door pinged and swished open, when more footsteps of another well-intentioned visitor stepped cautiously towards her. She just started taking the gun apart again.

"Hey, Williams."

Her fingers stopped moving for a moment as the turian greeted her. She wasn't expecting him. Tali, Chakwas, hell, even her Mom had decided she needed to stay for this. To 'be there for her'. To give her their heartfelt sympathies, offer her encouraging pep talks. Mom had forced her to pray with her like she had after Dad died. It was all pointless. He was still dead, she was still here, and she would keep taking apart his gun.

"Vakarian." She bit his name out, short and clipped, as she lifted her eyes to his. She met his eyes and just stared, just dared him to continue. She was getting sick of the onlookers. "Don't you have work to do?"

Garrus' mandibles drooped, but he didn't look away. He sat in the chair across from her, those weird, alien plates on his brow pinching together as he stared back at her. "Yeah, well…. Not today."

She was silent, flipping the scope over in her hand as she watched his stony eyes. She never figured him as being this damn stupid - to try and convince her where others failed. Maybe they had just sent him because they had all given up on trying to deal with her, on trying to get her to go. She took solace knowing that even now, even with this, she was still able to beat them off.

"_Stubborn as always." His voice was low and soft as callused fingers stroked over her cheek._

She looked away from the turian and back to the rifle parts sprawled across the table between them. She heard Garrus give an assessing cluck.

"Always liked that rifle. Damn shame he could never hit half the targets I could." She knew he was trying to lighten the room, but the ribbon of pain in his voice cut her. Her skin crawled and her throat constricted so tight she thought she would choke. She snapped the parts together more forcefully. Garrus let out a raw, forced laugh. "I told him every drop that he should just switch to a practice gun, so I could show him how to really make her dance. He'd just smirk, shoot the light out of a geth, and keep moving."

She snapped another piece in place and tried to ignore the way her eyes burned. She had cried already, for what had seemed like days. It started when she had stopped fighting, when she stopped denying it, when she finally realized he wasn't coming back this time. She cried until she choked, until she ran dry, until she passed out from the exhaustion of it. Then she just started taking apart his gun.

"He told me if I reapplied for Spectre candidacy and got my ass accepted, he'd buy me my own." Garrus shook his head, a dark sort of chuckle rolling from his throat. "Guess it's just me and my old Mantis for a while now."

She stared at the gun, something cold and angry growing again in her stomach. Her hands refit the scope.

"He never could keep his promises." She hissed out the words and looked back up at him. The turian just sighed, and shook his head again.

"How did you get your hands on it anyways?"

She had to give him credit, he was taking an entirely different approach than the others. She tried to block the onslaught, tried to stop herself from picturing him running back into the burning ship. "I…" _Jesus Christ, Williams. Pull yourself together. _"I was at his locker with him, when he geared up. He didn't grab it, so I did. I thought…." Her throat clamped down and she slammed the gun on the table. "I thought he'd want it. Smart thing to be thinking, right? I made sure to grab his damn rifle, but I couldn't be bothered to stop him from running back in."

"Ashley, it's not – "

"Don't." She held up a hand and met his sympathetic gaze with a cold, hard glare. Like hell she was going to let them keep coming here, trying to comfort her and offer their shoulders to cry on. She didn't need it with Dad, she wasn't going to need it now. "Just leave me alone, Garrus. And tell the rest of them to, too. I'm fine. I'm going to stay fine. You all need to stop treating me like I'm going to jump off the deep end. I'm not some delicate flower, this isn't going to break me, and I sure as hell don't need to 'talk about it.'"

Garrus slumped before her. The turian looked defeated. Exhausted. Her gaze lost some of its intensity as she took in the dullness in his usually calculating eyes. He was lost.

"Just leave me alone, alright?" She sighed, pinching the bridge of her nose. It always ended like this – her lashing out at them. It usually kept them from coming back, at least, but she was left with the guilt. Because she could see the hurt in all of them too.

Garrus stood and turned back towards the door without a word, and she meant to let him go. She had no business knowing them anymore. They were _his_ crew, _his_ team. His family. Without him, she didn't belong in it. But she stood up anyway. "Garrus, wait." The turian glanced over his shoulder with a cautious but quizzical expression. She picked up the gun again, her hands running over it once more, cataloguing its wholeness.

"_What's with your bromance with Garrus, anyways?"_

_Shepard laughed at the ceiling and rolled over to face her. He propped himself on and elbow, his free hand trailing down her stomach. "You know, a guy might get jealous, you bringing up another man while we're in bed."_

"_Oh, please." She rolled her eyes at him and he smirked. "Is it possible for you to answer a question without being a smartass?"_

"_Probably not." She felt the scruff on his jaw tickle her neck as he trailed a few slow, warm kisses towards her collarbone. "Garrus is a good guy."_

_She rolled her eyes again at his usual, non-descriptive reply. "And that's it? You two practically complete each other's sentences. It's disgusting."_

"_You know, I think you're the one that might be jealous."_

"_Oh, shut up."_

_He let out a low chuckle near her ear, the sound and the warmth of his breath sending a shiver through her. "He's a good guy, a damn good shot, and he always has my back." He arched a brow, those green eyes glowing down at her, questioning her. She couldn't resist running her hand through that thick mop of hair on his head. His eyes closed for a moment, and a smirk reappeared on his lips. "I also love the way his eyes twinkle."_

_She shoved him off of her, and he laughed again, grinning._

"_God, you're impossible." She had to smile back at him when he wrapped his arms around her waist and dragged her back to him._

She held out the rifle, and the turian's mandibles drooped, his steel blue eyes rising to meet hers. "Take it."

Garrus gaped at her. "What? I can't…"

"Take it." She repeated, stepping forward. "I can't keep it. It's too… I just can't." There was a part of her that protested this, that writhed and struggled against her will. It was his, the only thing she had of his. But it was a crutch, and a constant, painful reminder of what she failed to do. "He owed you a gun anyways." Garrus just stared at her, at a loss. "Take it, Garrus. He'd want you to have it."

The turian stepped forward, unsure, unsteady, and reached out for it. That part of her, that part that still clung to the disbelief, the denial, it screamed at her to change her mind. To take it back and just keep checking the parts. But she placed it in his talons and turned away, drawing in a deep, shuddering breath.

_He's gone_.

"I… thank you." Garrus muttered behind her. She just nodded, and heard him start to walk away. He stopped. "Ashley, you should come today." She was just silent, closing her eyes to steel herself against it. Against the pleas, the reasoning, every one with a different explanation of why she had to go. "I know you don't want to. Tali said you told her it was pointless, that he wouldn't want a funeral for a bunch of people he didn't know. But it's not for him. It's for them. You know that." Her teeth grinded against each other as she clamped her mouth shut. "He was their symbol, and without him…" The turian sighed. "They need a hero's funeral, and they need to see us standing behind him, so they know it'll still be okay."

_Goddamn turians and their sense of duty._

"If Liara starts crying, I _will_ hurt her."

"We'll keep you two separated. Maybe she'll even faint. It's been a while, and we could use the show." Garrus gave a small, weak chuckle. "We'll see you later, Williams."

"Vakarian."

She listened to his steps as he left, listened to the door open and shut behind him, then allowed herself to drop to the floor. Her breathing was ragged, short and uneven, and she stared at her shaking hands. She didn't know what to do with them now that it was gone. She didn't know what to do with herself now that he was gone. He had just swept in and changed her - made her need him, made her love him - and left. Just ran off and ordered her to stay behind.

Why the hell did she stay behind?

_Damn it. Snap out of it, Williams. This isn't how you do this._

She wasn't sure when she ended up in front of the mirror, clutching the edge of the sink like a life support raft and just staring at the tired, drawn woman that looked back at her. Her eyes were dark and bruised, her hair ragged and unkempt. Even her cheeks looked like they were beginning to hollow. She hated her. This weak, fragile woman that glared back at her, because the only thing possessing any shred of strength were her eyes.

_He leaned against the railing, looking out over the rubble of the Citadel. They were beginning to fix things and the keepers were doing whatever the hell they did to clean things up, but it was still in a state of disrepair. Shepard's face took on that distant look, the one he got when he was thinking of something particularly brood-worthy. To further confirm this, his hand ran through his hair._

_She rolled her eyes and leaned against the rail next to him, pushing him lightly with her shoulder. "Alright, your turn for a question, Skipper."_

_Those green eyes flicked towards her, a small smile fighting its way onto his lips. His hand reached out and grabbed hers, holding it like he always held her – like she was about to slip away._

"_Favorite color."_

_She snorted. "All the things you could ask, and you choose that?" He smirked, and gave her an expectant look. "Fine. Blue."_

_He arched a brow. "What kind of blue?"_

"_Alliance blue."_

_Shepard chuckled. "Always the marine." He murmured, shaking his head, his thumb stroking over her hand._

"_Damn straight." She said proudly, shoving him a little again with her shoulder. "So what's yours?"_

"_Hmm?"_

_She frowned at him, his eyes back over the rubble and a grim look back on his face. "Your favorite color, idiot."_

"_Oh, right." Shepard looked back to her quickly, satisfactorily scolded. He offered her an apologetic smile and squeezed her hand. "The color of your eyes."_

_She snorted, rolling her eyes openly at him. "Jesus, Shepard. Cheese factory over here, is there?"_

"_Hey, I'm serious." He grinned back at her, a hand coming to push back a few tendrils that were hanging over her face. "It's a good color, like a nice brandy. Warm and inviting. It's not showy or obvious - it's earthy, wholesome. Real. It's like coming home."_

_She looked away from him, unable to stop the smile on her lips or the faint prickling in her eyes. "You're such a damn sap."_

"_You love it." He laughed, and she leaned against him, letting herself use him for support. _

_He let go of her hand and wrapped his arm around her, dragging her closer._

She drew in another deep, shuddering breath. She searched her eyes for the warmth.

_God, help me._

It wasn't long after she found herself in a cab, her face washed, hair pulled back and in the cleanest uniform she could scrounge up. It was the best she could do, the best she would do, for this. She watched the Citadel drift by below her, saw the crowd gathered at their destination as they neared. People of every race, every species, come to pay their respects to a man they knew nothing about. She couldn't understand it.

"_Why do you trust aliens so much?"_

_Shepard glanced at her, looking up from a datapad he'd doubtless been pouring over for half the night. She wasn't ready to start that fight yet._

"_I thought you were over that."_

_She rolled her eyes at his critical tone, stepping out of his bed and grabbing her shirt. "That's not what I mean." She sighed, stepping into her pants. "I mean, after everything, I'd think you'd be inclined to a little bit of prejudice."_

_Shepard frowned behind the datapad, a line forming between his brows and his green eyes pinning her with a hard stare. "You mean after what happened on Mindoir."_

"_Well, yeah."_

_He sighed, his eyes closing and his hand resuming its usual motion of pushing back the thick hair on his head. "People are all the same, no matter their species. Most are assholes, some are worse. A few are decent. But the things that attacked my colony were not people, they were monsters."_

_She frowned as he stood abruptly, setting down the datapad and heading for the bathroom. "You can't really think that. There are stereotypes for a reason. The batarians –"_

"_Ash, stop." His voice was low and threatening, and he didn't turn back to face her. He was closing himself off again, like he had so much lately, trying to hide this part of himself away. Not realizing that she knew. Not realizing that she woke just as easily as he did to his thrashing, to his sweat, to the sleep-garbled shouts. Why couldn't he just face it? Why did he keep hiding it from her, hiding behind these bullshit explanations and taking the weight of the blame on himself? _

_Why couldn't she do anything to help him?_

"_Owen…"_

"_Why the hell do you think humans are more trustworthy? Just look at Cerberus, look what they're doing to people for some sick fucking experiments. Everyone is capable of shit like that. I'm not about to hate every batarian just because I had the misfortune of meeting their demons."_

_She wasn't convinced. The batarians were an obvious threat – a rogue state outside of Council space that had made moves against humanity in the past. A species that held slavery as a legal, and integral, part of their society. But she couldn't argue further, because Shepard was already disappearing behind the bathroom door. It swished shut, and the water to the shower turned on within. She was left standing alone, still wondering how a man who had been through so much could still leave himself open to so many unknowns._

The Council stood on a raised platform above the assembled crowd, Captain Anderson nearby with Udina at his side. She saw the team behind them, seated solemnly, and it was Tali that noticed her arrival and beckoned her to join them. She hesitated, her stomach turning in on itself - she wanted no part of this. He would hate it - hate the hero-worship, hate the Council's forced grimness. He might take the opportunity to deck Udina himself, or maybe give some rousing speech about 'getting their shit together and spending their fucking money on preparing for the Reapers rather than on get-togethers for already dead Spectres'.

Tali was beginning to get up, obviously noticing her reluctance and planning on escorting her the rest of the way, but she was already started up the ramp. Thinking of Shepard's definite frustration, of the undoubtedly expletive ranting he'd be doing at the sight of these gawkers, was enough to keep her thoughts from straying somewhere darker. Remembering was painful, but not as painful as feeling it, feeling that he was gone.

She slid onto the bench beside Tali and the quarian's strange, three-fingered hand wrapped around hers.

"I'm glad you came." Tali warbled quietly, squeezing gently. The tiny quarian's grasp was alien and intrusive, but comforting nonetheless, and she began to wonder just how much that damn man had changed her. How she was supposed to go back.

_Holding hands with aliens, Williams. There is no going back._

A new wave of nausea hit as she thought again of how she'd be leaving them all behind. They may be his family, but losing them along with him… He would be even more gone. Lost. She drew in a deep breath, steeling herself against the familiar rush.

_Oh, God. Please help me._

A hush grew over the gathered crowd as Anderson approached a central podium. The man looked exhausted, his face lined and weathered like he had aged years in the few weeks since they had last seen him. The old captain stood before the podium and cleared his throat. There was silence, and as if on queue, the vidscreens scattered around the area were lit, flashing to life to reveal Shepard.

She choked, and a hand flew to cover her mouth to stop the cry that threatened her.

The picture had to be years old. He looked younger, a few of the lines she had been accustomed to seeing around his eyes had not yet formed. But more than anything he looked harsh, rigid and unforgiving, with his jaw set and broad shoulders squared giving him the appearance of being large and threatening. Those green eyes glowed so clearly through the photo it wrenched her gut as she looked into them. They looked empty, though. Devoid of the depth she had come to recognize, of the warmth that softened them when he looked at her. She realized then that she hadn't been the only one changed. She shivered against the quarian at her side, and Tali squeezed her hand again.

"Commander Shepard was a hard man to know," Anderson began without introduction or ceremony. His voice was rough, reluctant, and she had the distinct impression he didn't like being here much either. He braced the podium, eyes locked on Shepard's image hovering above the crowd. "But I like to think I knew him well enough. He was a man more comfortable on the battlefield than in a room full of strangers. He was often reckless and cold, had a short-fuse and more creative uses for profanity than he was often given credit for." Something between a grin and a grimace fleeted across the captain's face. "But despite his flaws, despite all of the rough patches, he remained at his heart a good man. Behind all of the walls he hid a sharp mind, easy laughter, and the spirit of an idealist."

Anderson sighed heavily, looking over the large score of eyes gazing back at him. "No matter his rage, no matter his frustrations, Shepard always worked towards the greater good. He always fought for a better life. For a future where no one would have to be afraid, where people of every species could live their lives unchecked across the galaxy. He never turned his back on someone he could save, never considered giving in."

Her eyes slowly found Joker's slumped, broken body on the opposite side of the stage. The black eye, and consequently shattered face, she had given him was still raw. Chakwas' hand moved to grasp his shoulder as he shook.

"Commander Shepard was a hero, yes, but more than that, he was a survivor. He was a single, extraordinary man, whose shoulders were weighted with the worries of worlds. Somehow, he always kept going. Always kept fighting. And he never asked for thanks, never expected gratitude. His only expectation was that others fight as well, that they defend their homes with the ferocity he defended his."

_To the death._

Her chest tightened once more, strangling the breath from her. There was a choked sob nearby and she found Liara slumped and crying near Garrus. The turian caught her livid glare and shook his head to try and defuse her.

"It is my plea to all of you that we do not forget his fight. That we remember Commander Owen Shepard in the only way he would want to be remembered – by fighting for our futures, for our freedoms, for the chance at something better." Anderson's eyes had left the crowd and now pinned the three councilmembers near him with a challenging glare. "By uniting our forces against the only enemy we should concern ourselves with: the Reapers."

There was a hushed murmur that spread over the crowd below, fear and skepticism tracing lines into their faces.

_The room was dark. She woke slowly, stirred by some distant noise but unable to place it in the empty room. She rolled and found the bed cool and abandoned at her side. A faint hissing was coming from the bathroom, a light shining into the room beneath the door, and she frowned._

_What the hell was he doing in there now?_

_She slid off the bed and crept towards the door, sliding it open quietly. "Owen? You okay?"_

_He didn't answer. She peeked her head in, and found the probable cause of her waking. Shepard stood slumped against the wall, naked and wet as the water ran over his back. His fist dripped blood, hinting at the cause of the slight dent in the shower's wall. He didn't look at her, didn't move, he did nothing to acknowledge her. He just closed his eyes against the spray._

"_Jesus, Shepard…" She murmured, stepping in behind him without bothering to remove the bra and panties she usually slept in. The water was freezing, and his skin was just as cold, his breath gasping as he shivered. He flinched as she touched him like she were on fire. "Owen, look at me."_

_He didn't look at her. The muscles in his back stood out, thick cords trembling with tension and cold. She stepped closer, folding her arms around him, trying to pull him back from whatever this was. From whatever was haunting him this time. Her hair was already soaking, so she gave little notice to the water that tumbled over them as she leaned against him. He heaved in a breath as she pressed her weight to his back._

"_I don't know how to stop them." His voice was a low, hoarse whisper, tired and raw. His fists clenched again, and an angry drop of blood was washed away. "I need to stop them."_

"_Stop who?" Cerberus, the geth, the Reapers? His list of targets was open-ended. She stroked lazy, soothing circles over his chest._

"_He said they were coming. No matter what, they're coming. That fucking voice…" He wasn't making sense, and she wondered for a moment just how awake he was. "I have to stop them. I can't let them come. I need time, numbers. I have to stop them. I can't let them destroy it all."_

"_Owen, please, look at me." She tried to discern his expression over his shoulder, but his face was eerily blank. His eyes were only slits, barely open as he blinked back the water tumbling from his dark hair._

"_They can't change us. They can't make us all into slaves. They don't know me… they don't know." Another deep, shuddering breath. "I have to stop them." The words were turning into a low, angry growl, a rage reflected by the tightening of his fists once more. His arm pulled back and she stepped away in surprise as his knuckles came down hard on the wall again, sounding in a sickening crack. _

_God, please give him peace._

_She reached out to hold back his wrists as he tried again, but the effect was instantaneous. _

"_I'm not a fucking slave!"_

_Really, she should have known. She had seen how he reacted to being restrained after Virmire, how he got when he was like this. He spun around with a snarl, and the motion caught her off balance on the wet floor. She slipped and fell, her head slamming against the wall on her way down. He stood over her, crazed and naked and lost, and she had no idea how to help him. Her head pounded as she met his fiery green eyes, a hand lifting to feel the thin trickle of blood washing down the back of her neck. As she brought it forward to examine the damage, his face began to contort at the sight of her blood. A thin sheen of recognition lit in his eyes._

"_Ash? What…?" He blinked, confused and weary, and after several long moments he finally knelt before her. He stared at her, his eyes slowly widening as his mind grasped the situation. She just watched him, waited. He edged away. "Oh, fuck. Ash? Fuck! I'm so sorry, I didn't…"_

"_I'm fine, Owen. It was an accident." She muttered quietly, but she didn't reach out to him. She didn't blame him, but this… How did he do it? How did he live it, again and again, and still keep fighting? What good was she if she couldn't pull him out of it? What good was she if she couldn't have his back in this fight?_

"_We should get Chakwas, have her check – "_

"_I'm fine." She answered shortly, looking back into those lost, pained green eyes. "What was it?" Shepard stared back at her for a moment, then looked away, his hand pushing back some of the wet black hair hanging on his face. "Owen, tell me. Please. I need to be able to help somehow, but I can't if I don't know what it is."_

_He sighed shakily, and glanced up. "It's… everything. Sometimes. Mostly it's Sovereign, his goddamn voice. I don't know how to fight it, and it feels…" He shook his head, looking away again. "They're coming, Ash, and I don't know how to start. Not without Council backing. Not without the Alliance. We need a unified front, and I don't know how to get it. But I can't… I can't stop. There's too much at stake. Too many people…" She reached out finally, unable to resist, and her hand pulled his jaw up to look at her. She found herself wrapped in his arms and pulled up onto his lap. It was wet and cold and tight, and she just held him back, her fingers threading into his hair as his head rested in the crook of her neck._

"_I don't know if it was enough, Ash. The Citadel, Saren… I don't think it was enough to get them to understand. To understand what the Reapers are, what they can do. I don't know how to get them to see it. I need to find some way…"_

"_We will, Owen." She murmured back against him. "You're not alone in this, remember? You don't need to carry it by yourself."_

_His arms held her tighter still. "You have no idea how much I need you."_

It was the asari councilor who stepped forward, resting her hand on Anderson's shoulder in a condescending show of sympathy. The captain took the hint, backing from the podium with a respectful nod and a dark look that seemed to infer his own doubts about the Council's commitment to fighting the Reapers. Despite his more-or-less guaranteed Council position, the title was proving to be nothing more than an appeasement for humanity's sacrifice.

"Thank you, Captain Anderson. We all share your heartache as we mourn the loss of Commander Shepard." The asari's voice took on a distinctly simpering tone. She felt her teeth grind as she kept herself from telling the blue woman where to shove it. "Commander Shepard was indeed a hero, a man who sacrificed a great deal in his work as one of our very own Spectres. This Council owes him our lives. His actions during the Battle of the Citadel were a clear demonstration of both humanity's and his own commitment to galactic cooperation." For some reason, the words from the blue woman seemed more like a threat, a command rather than encouragement.

Tevos' eyes flicked towards Anderson and offered him a large, potentially grateful smile, if not for the scheming in her eyes. "His death at the hands of Saren's allies was his ultimate sacrifice." She dropped Tali's hand, her eyes widening at the councilor's words. _Saren's?! _"It is that sacrifice, with the aid of our new allies, which we will honor by enjoying the renewed peace Commander Shepard has provided us."

"No!" Her shout rang through the assembly, and hundreds of eyes fell to her. She stepped forward viciously. "We can't just sit back and do nothing! He didn't save all of your asses so you could throw your lives away! We have to prepare, we have to – "

"Chief Williams, that is quite enough." Ambassador Udina looked at her with his shrewd, ratty little eyes, and she met his gaze with intensity.

"No, we can't – " He held up a hand, but she simply stepped closer to him. Her face hovered in front of his and her eyes blazed. "Don't you dare try to silence me too. Why are you trying to hide this? What the hell are you trying to prove? We can't just stick our heads in the sand!" He stepped back nervously, but as she made to get back in his face, another hand rested on her shoulder.

"Stand down, Williams." Anderson's deep, tired voice rolled over her. "It's over."

The finality of his words pierced her like a bullet. Her jaw clenched and she left the stage without a second glance.

"_I need you to evacuate. Now." She wanted to scream at him, to slap him, to hate him for breaking his promise. But she couldn't, she couldn't protest, couldn't argue with a direct command. She hopelessly struggled with the very reason the Alliance had rules against this sort of thing. "That's an order, Chief."_

_The look she gave him was deadly. Smoke filled the air around them. Her heart pounded with adrenaline, and she wanted nothing more than to simply knock the man out and drag him to the pod herself. But he was Shepard, stupid and reckless and immune to death. She'd take care of him when he got back. "I'm kicking your ass when we get through this."_

"_Looking forward to it, Ash." A small, devastating smirk broke on his lips. Her heart lurched as he turned from her. She willed herself to step back so she wouldn't run after him. The flames and smoke obscured him before he made it back to the stairs, and she fought the sinking feeling that took hold of her. He was gone._

Her fingers typed the reassignment request deftly. She didn't shiver, she didn't cry. It was done. He was gone, but she was still here.

_Depart then, Love! . . .  
\- Man's race shall end, dost threaten thou?  
The age to come the man of now  
Know nothing of? -  
We fear not such a threat from thee;  
We are too old in apathy!  
Mankind shall cease.-So let it be,"  
I said to Love._

It was over, and she had work to do.

**xxxxxxxxxxxx**

**And there it is! The conclusion of Shell. Thanks again to everyone who has read this story through, to everyone who has taken the time to offer kind words and advice. It's been a hell of a time writing this and I'm so glad to see people enjoying it.  
As always, any comments, questions, critique, or suggestions are welcome and wanted. I'm always open.**

**The poem included in this chapter was Thomas Hardy's "I Said to Love".**

**Shell's sequel, Descent, can be found here: ** s/10784926/1/Descent**  
**

**Until next time!**


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